RW Bio - Melissa, New Orleans
The Real World Season 09: New Orleans - Bio - Melissa

By kamuela
5/5/2001

It’s a ME Thing; You Wouldn’t Understand

If you do not know Patty Larkin’s music, go buy some. I’m serious. The woman is a genius, an absolute genius. Ten years before The Real World: New Orleans, she predicted the arrival of Melissa, hiding her private vision in a wonderful song called, ME. It goes like this:

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, I, I, I.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, I, I, I.

Me,me, me, me, me, me, me, me, I!

I’m not talking about you or him or her or them – no way.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, I!

I don’t do no drugs or dope, I just get high on –

Me, me, me, me, me, me.....

Can you think of any other explanation for this than a vision of things to come? I thought not.

The rest of the world was introduced to ME during The Real World, New Orleans: Casting Special, Summer, 2000. Most of us are still in therapy. It’s not that the average person doesn’t have needs. It’s not that we are not all capable of some self-absorption, even a little distorted perceptions of reality once in a while. But when you force yourself into prolonged exposure to an emotional supersuck the size and scope of ME, there are many hours in the therapist’s couch ahead for you.

Early in the casting special, ME declared that it was very important that she become the "little shining star" of the season, and for once, Basically Misrepresenting Pinoys made a cast member’s dream come true in its entirety: ME proceeded to overshadow, out duel and shout down almost every plot that weaved it’s way into the Belfort Maaannnnnsssiiooonnn. Periodically, Julie would bully her way into the spotlight for a few days, but she would retreat hastily when she awoke to find her mangled and burned skateboard next to her in bed. Egomaniacs like Eric Nies and Teck $ find their way into a performance spotlight whenever possible, but ME’s neediness compounded by her fundamental lack of cluefulness created the Black Hole of Ego that sucked Season 9 straight to oblivion by episode 1. Kelly’s dream of weathergirl riches immediately followed.

It is unknown exactly when and how ME’s particular psychosis began, but it is obvious from lengthy soliloquies about the deprivations of her upbringing that she was raised in a largish cardboard box without the benefit of running water and her senior prom date arrived in a ’67 Volkswagen Bus with a corsage of dandelions. At least, we can assume so from her declarations of inadequacy any time anyone did something halfway nice for her, accompanied by the torrents of conflicted rage any time she was mildly slighted. We have learned, on good authority, that when she was in Junior High, ME went through all of the science textbooks and replaced the word "sun" with "Melissa" in the section on Copernicus’ theory of what the earth orbits.

Alternately, we can infer from her comments about not understanding where David is coming from that she grew up lower middle to middle class. Big fucking faker. Next time you shop at K-Mart, ME, there’s a Blue Light Special on Crow in Aisle 6.

A single essay is insufficient space to compile a complete list of ME’s self-aggrandizements, but a capsule review is possible:

• ME arrives in New Orleans, dragging her own sack of rice and immediately falls into the "I’ve got a secret" guessing game with Danny. Interest lost when it becomes possible that Danny is more compelling than she is.
• ME’s first date results in the arrival of Frat Boy Matt, the bringing of Frat Boy Matt to the hot tub and the departure of Frat Boy Matt in a flurry of accusations that, after a mere 48 hours, he could never see fit to appreciate her for who she is. Frat Boy Matt is alive and well and engaged to a Tri-Delt named Ashley.
• ME’s quick investigation of the world of stripping leads to increased job security for the New Orleans exotic dancers guild.
• Ryan, boyfriend for all of six weeks, arrives to visit his favorite girl, wish her a happiest of birthdays and is treated to a night of being ignored by a drunk who later demands that he call her a bitch. Ryan refuses. Sadist bastard.
• ME, concerned that David may actually edge her out in an episode, slams her chair to the floor during a planning meeting and sends the MTV "BLEEP" crew into overtime with a stream of invective.
• ME, justifiably upset that a Bayou swamp tour guide used the N-word, somehow manages to make it all about ME by demanding all of her roommates immediately understand precisely how she feels without her actually saying anything. Many unintelligible arguments ensue about whether Mormonism means anything at all to ME.
• The crew discovers they will go to South Africa, and ME reacts to the news as if she was told she’d have to spend a month in a bathroom with Amaya. It is, of course, possible that the cameras might take in the scenery rather than ME.
• The crew arrives in South Africa, and ME is offended that David is spending his time in Africa talking to, you know, Africans. After all, he could have been talking to ME! What is he thinking?
• Can I stop now, please?

Immediately following The Real World, ME embarked upon her new career: Pretending to be a stand-up comic in Los Angeles while hawking Paint by Numbers projects as original art on the Internet. And just in case you were wondering if I made that up:

I don't know. This site is about being a kid, and living my life, and painting and talking about silly stuff. Oh goodness, I have a really good story about hot waxes for the summer time fashions called bikinis. Ouch. Yeah, it's about being a 20-something girl (fine, I am 24). It's for all of you and me, too. So enjoy the site. Email me if you want. And whatever you do, tell your friends, your mama, your cousin, your baby daddy, you nephew, your auntie, tell everyone about it if you like it. Well, snap, tell everyone about it even if you kinda like it, or don't like it at all. It's a free world. Later dudes.

So watch out, world, this is the beginning of an empire at least as successful as pets.com and twice as annoying.

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