The Irony and the Pity
The Real World Season 08: Hawaii - Episode 16

By Damitol
8/8/1999

Bunim-Murray Productions
Date: 9-29-99
From: Jon Murray
To: All Employees

Distribution: CONFIDENTIAL! INTERNAL USE ONLY!

Re: Pre-Casting Notes

Hi all. Well, the day after tomorrow starts the whole ball rolling again as we have to choose the six cast members for next year's show. Side note - I know that tonight is the Dawson's Creek season premier, so feel free to go into the "Audition Tape" closet and take one if you need it. As always, we never got a chance to look at any of them, but that's our little secret. Ha! Just be sure to leave enough for us to record over and sell as "The Real World You Never Saw - Hawaii" videos.

Carl should be passing out the first draft of the story treatments for next year later this afternoon, and we have some exciting things in store. The Colin/Amaya thing went over so well that we are planning *2* romances with a "swap" during the vacation to Paris. Also - by request, the "note left out on the table" will be back. Of course the big news maker, and the one that NO ONE must breathe a word about - is the suicide attempt. Casting directors - it is *critical* that this in no way appears to be motivated by being on the show, so be sure and pick someone with major depression problems and other issues that we can blame it on.

Also - since the Bourbon Street house will be surrounded by alcohol (especially during Mardi Gras), be very careful about the ages of the cast. At least two must be underage, but no more than three of the six. Someone has to have a valid ID to get into clubs to show "good" legal drinking vs. "bad" underage drunkenness.

Finally - it's Justin's birthday, so be sure to wish him a happy one when you see him today. I think we all agree that my nephew did a fine job as this year's instigator, but I was disappointed that we didn't see the hatred for him in the end that we had planned. (On a happier note - Mary's niece Shayna will be back with us in New Orleans after all! Yay! She was so great in Miami. With her new red hair, nose and boob job and an Irish accent - she doesn't look a thing like "Flora" anymore.) Next season, we must work on keeping the cast from "talking things out." This show only works when we have lots of juicy misunderstandings, and can paste in angry confessonals and interviews to "fuel the fire."

OK people - let's go make some money!

Jon

========================================

Last night's show started out with a phone call that I found puzzling - not so much the fact that Amaya has a friend willing to talk to her (although that *was* kind of weird), but that she clearly says that on the "last day" of the trip to India, Colin became rude. Last day? Didn't it look like it was pretty much the whole trip? Duh! (slap to forehead) Editing! OK - so I'm stupid - take the show off for one week, and all of us mindless lemmings forget the continuity (of lack thereof) of the show. For the record, Amaya is wearing a sweater designed to make her boobs look like they are in a different zip code and there's a gratuitous shot of a shirtless Colin (wearing only a towel). Both make sure that adolescent hormones across America go into "rage" mode.

She concludes the conversation by telling her friend that she and Colin are going to Kauai for the weekend, which will suck because she hates him now - but she already paid the $100, so what is she going to do? I guess that technically makes Colin a whore. $100 to spend the weekend with her. I wonder if spooning is extra?

Later outside, they finally decide to talk about what happened. She says "I'm confused and annoyed about the last day of the trip. Ooops - there is that pesky "last day" problem again. Were the editors still dealing with Traveler's Diarrhea from swimming in the Ganges with their mouths open? He replies "Margaret and Justin, well Justin, said you have a dependency problem and I was the root of that problem, although any guy would have done." News flash! Americans Beat Germans in WWII! President Kennedy Assassinated in Dallas! NASA Puts Man On Moon! Amaya Has Dependency Problem! Which one of those did you *not* know? She says "He told me I could do so much better than you!" Wright Brothers Invent First Flying Machine!

Colin - sans shirt of course - goes into the confessional and gets on his weekly soap box: "How can Justin want to create fights in paradise?" Uh - because you make it so easy?

Next, Justin calls his Mom in a desperate attempt to find a way out of his personal hell.

"Well, Justin - do you remember Great Aunt Trudy?"
"Who?"
"Your grandfather's sister. You remember - we had dinner with her once in Des Moines. You were 5 and she had that... that cat?"
"Sort of - maybe..."
"Well, she has pancreatic cancer and the doctors give her three years - with any luck"
"Isn't she like 104?"
"That's why they said 'with any luck'"
"Oh my God! Great Aunt Tess is dying?"
"Trudy"
"Whatever - I'm on the first flight home!"

Colin and Margaret walk down the street as Colin vents. "Justin is trying to start conflicts in the house. I'm talking to you because I've always considered you genuine." Girls - just because he looks good without a shirt doesn't mean Colin's the sharpest knife in the drawer. Margaret tells him "Even if I didn't like the other person (Which person Maggie? Colin or Amaya?), Justin was like "Help me, Help me" and I'm like "Hmmmm... that's fucked up."" She re-makes her point in interview when she reveals that "It's all for Justin's pleasure. He's bored." To emphasize this, we see Justin looking bored while sitting in the hot tub. Someone call the pool man! The chemicals in the tub have mysteriously turned Justin's hair brown! That *can't* be healthy.

In the confessional room, Amaya and Colin have one of those BMP moments where it sounds like the editors took the audio track, cut it up into little pieces, threw it up in the air and taped it back together. The gist seems to be that Amaya's plan is to "take Justin down" in some very subtle way where he doesn't even realize he's being taken down. That way, he will be surprised one day when he figures out what happened. Colin has a better idea - just pretend it never happened and ignore him - maybe he'll leave. Man - these two are so ruthless! What if a serial killer tortured their children to death while they were forced to watch? They may get so angry that they would call him names, or even (shudder) remove him from their Christmas card list.

After the commercials, LA's beloved Beth S. makes her obligatory annual appearance. She plays the giant butt crack on the bicycle seat in the quick "shots of Hawaii" montage. Hi Beth! Looking good as always, babe.

Colin and Amaya go to Kauai and spend the day hiking. This is obviously Amaya's first trip outdoors since she chose to dress like a Long Island yenta going on a power shopping trip "with the girls."

Colin: (20 paces ahead of her - true love): "These plants are cool!" (I love the deep thinking on this show.)
Amaya: "My purse is too big. Where is a Starbucks? I want a tall mocha. I have a headache."
Colin: "Look at *that* plant!"
Amaya: "Can we sit down? My feet hurt - these shoes are scraping the skin off of my toes."
Colin: "Ha! Ha! Ha! You really must be in pain. You sure are walking funny."
Amaya: " I'm walking like an old lady with a poop in her pants." (Yes, she actually said that.)
Colin: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Boy - your feet sure are bleeding!"

Cut from our happy, warm love birds to the refrigerator that is the van carrying Justin and Margaret.

Justin: "I want to spend some time with you."
Margaret: "Uh - I'm working in."
Justin: "How about some coffee or dinner tonight?"
Margaret: "No, ummm... I'm going to write. Think and write."

Justin - in heterosexual, that means "You ain't gettin' any, sweetheart." Next time the cluemobile passes by, flag it down.

Back to Kauai. Amaya writes (Dude! Who knew?) in a journal which Colin reads aloud. "Dear diary, I have such a crush on Colin. He is even hunkier than Nick from the Back Street Boys - but don't tell him (or Nick) I said so! I will ask Kaia to ask Matt to ask him if he likes me back. Yes. No. Circle one." She tries to cover up in an interview saying that her relationship with Colin "Is no longer based on romance. Affection only. Well, affection AND spooning. OK - maybe just a little rubbing of parts - but *no* romance."

Once they get back, Colin tells Margaret that he is happy again, and he is not going to dwell on the negatives in the house anymore. Margaret is so moved by his new found serenity, that she tells him how nice it is as she sheds a single tear of joy. Gee - I hope her face doesn't rust.

For the next 10 minutes or so, we are treated to Justin looking like a 4-year old lost at the mall, tugging on stranger's pants legs and whining "Have you seen my mommy?" He can't find Margaret anywhere - it's almost like she's avoiding him or something, but that's not possible - is it? I mean, they just had that great conversation in the van and all. Teck makes his one appearance tonight and has one of the show's best lines: "Maybe she's on a privacy thing too - she's doing a 'Justin'" Ha! Ha! Ha! Uh-oh. Justin is not amused.

Next - BMP offers a little editorial comment by cutting to a close up of a painting of an evil looking pig just before we see Justin go out in the back yard to ask Colin and Amaya if they've seen Margaret. C and A are in the hammock and Colin appears to be trying to remove her panties without taking her pants off first. "NO!" squeals Amaya. "We haven't seen her. Ha! Ha! STOP IT COLIN! Squeal Squeal. Squeal." Hmmm... maybe I misinterpreted the 'pig' symbolism.

Finally Mother Matt blows Justin off as well (No - not like *that* Mr./Ms. Pottymind. Justin has his standards.) then sums it all up (as he always seems to) for the mentally impaired. "Justin removed himself from our environment, and now he returns to cruelty and cold shoulders." Please - someone, anyone - kick this guy in the nuts and put him out of our misery. Please! The space he is wasting could be used to grow food for starving children.

(In the interest of presenting a relatively true summary of this show and to avoid looking like a total asshole, I will say that Justin is genuinely upset about his great aunt. He gives a tearful and moving speech about her and the irony of how he and Margaret had discussed some big exit from the show - but now this happens - a real, personal tragedy forces him to leave. OK - enough serious shit.)

Justin gets Matt alone and tells him that he is leaving Friday and wants to spend some time with him and Margaret. Justin doesn't say why he's going, so Matt develops a pissy attitude. Matt tells Colin (Wow - Matt betrayed a trust! I sure didn't see *that* coming! Dick.) and Colin turns just a pissy. "Musical roommates huh?" Justin asks Matt "You told him? (Duh!) Sorry - I wanted to tell everyone myself. Four members of my family are ill - Aunt Tilly... Tina... someone is dying and three others have really bad head colds. I have to go home." Colin is so upset that he starts jumping up and down on the lower bunk screaming "I finally get the good bed! Whoo hoo!" Such an outpouring of raw emotion. I have to stop the tape for a few minutes because... uh... I have something in my eye. (sniff) Just a second.

Matt in interview (groan) says: "I've decided that Justin is concerned about his aunt, but I also think he really just wants to leave." AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! JESUS! IF YOU THINK THE VIEWERS ARE SO FUCKING STUPID, JUST USE FRIGGIN' SUBTITLES, GODDAMNIT!!! BIG, GIANT, FUCKING NEON SUBTITLES!!!!

Sorry.

Really - sorry.

God, I hate Matt.

Anyway... next day Justin and Matt (Calm. Calm.) have lunch and Justin tells us that he had a long conversation with Colin and learned the things that Margaret had said behind his back. He doesn't want to see her or talk to her before he leaves. He may not even keep in contact with her after the show. Matt concludes that... No. The veins in my neck and forehead are still throbbing from the last time. Let's just say Matt nods his head in agreement.

As Justin packs his last few things, Margaret comes in surprised that she is only now learning of his leaving. Also, she is a bit skeptical of the sincerity of his reason for going. I decide that Justin is from a superior alien race that uses telepathy instead of words at this point, because even though his mouth doesn't move I clearly hear his voice say the word "Bitch" in my head.

She gives him some pictures - admitting that they are the worst ones she had and he could easily find better ones but she's too stinking lazy to do it. Also - her address and stuff are written on them so they can keep in touch. He puts them on the closet shelf and walks away. Wow! I just heard her voice in my head say "Bitch" too! Maybe they are all aliens! That would certainly explain Teck.

Margaret retrives the pictures (Good dog!) and puts them in his book so "you won't forget them." I fully expected the unsmiling Justin to open the book and take a big dump on the pictures while retaining full eye contact with her - but I guess he has more class than the average Real Worlder.

In an interview and wearing all the Indian forehead jewelry she was able to get through customs - Margaret says "I only have so much friendship to offer - this is it." Sadly - if everyone could have waited a couple of months, Intel came out with a new and improved "friendship" chip that is compatible with her model. Things could have ended so much nicer all the way around.

Finally - alone, Justin walks through the Hawaiian house one last time as the ghosts of his least happy moments haunt him, and us, in glorious black and white.

* Justin holding up a dying Ruthie in the shower trying to get her to vomit.
* Teck: "Are you gay? Are you gay? All right then."
* The "Why heterosexual males suck, and not in the good way" debate with Matt.
* Margaret: "You're aching dude. You just got here and you're aching to get out."

As he gets into the cab we hear him say "I have been honest because I was never afraid to show the nastier and smaller sides - because in the end, I like myself. I never said I wasn't a work in progress."

No jokes. We wave goodbye to Blatantly Manipulate People's worst nightmare. A RWer with a brain who didn't give a shit about being on TV - he was just looking for a free vacation and a little adventure. And the winner is...

Next week: Justin's bed isn't even cold yet, and Amaya decides she's moving into Colin's room whether he wants her to or not. "But I'm not really that horny right now Amaya. Come back later." Matt (grrrr) informs her that "Colin dishes on you constantly." Amaya says "I'm not going to be a doormat anymore." Let me guess... or any less?

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