Wow. Here it is. The big conclusion episode. Number 2 of 2. Julie and her dadís last stand. And Iím. Trying my best not to use complete sentences.
No matter how you slice it, this episode will be going down in New Orleans RW history. When you look back at this season years from now, youíll have but a few vivid memories: Paulís blur-head, Davidís sex escapades and hit song "Come On Be My Baby Tonight", M@ís guestbook, and as of tonight, Julieís BIG fight with her Mormon pa.
Since this is probably the most important even in television history ever, we better quickly recap what occurred last week, just so you arenít in the dark:
- Mister Mormon and clan come to town; Julie sheds tears.
- Kelley declares her relationship with the doctor in critical condition.
- Julie attends a rave party and sleeps-in, finding herself late for church...
And so we begin as our sluggish starlet washes the heathen glitter from her face. Those of you fortunate enough to catch a quick camera shot of Julie removing her shirt are treated to the firmest breasts west side of the Appalachian. (Utah State Fair first prizewinner three years running.) Just donít let Pa catch word that youíve spotted his daughter in her undergarments, or heíll sodomize you with his plastic cross.
Racing towards temple, Julie shows up a bit late to mass. Needless to say, Pa isnít too happy. Then Julie gets mad that her dad is mad at her. Then Ma gets mad that Julie is mad at her dad for being mad at her. Getting dizzy yet? Julie whines that heís too controlling over her. Her mother rebuts that itís not control, itís concern. Julie insists itís not concern, itís called "living-my-life-for-me." (All right, confess, if you werenít dizzy earlier, you are now.) Actually, I believe itís called stalking, illegal in most states. Two words, Julie: restraining order.
Meanwhile, Kelley wrestles thoughts concerning Peter. You can literally see her head twitch strenuously, trying to draw conclusions regarding her future in New Orleans. As proof of Kelley truly having no idea what to do in this dilemma, she turns to *gasp* David for love advice. He encourages her to seek out a permanent relationship with the doc. "Youíve found something in Peter, heís found something in you, woo woo, thatís love!" (For clarification purposes: heís got the money, sheís got the cameras --- a definite match made in whoredom.) Kelley, clearly not understanding when to stop, prods David on as to whether heíd be willing to stay in the city if he found the right girl. "That would be one fine ass broad!" he declares. I nearly weep for the lost institution of love as he rambles off the qualities needed to be his perfect girl. She has to be fine, intelligent, and have a nice place. Anyone interested in "dating" the big brute should feel free to call 1-800-NO-SELF-RESPECT.
Back at Belfort, a frightening man roams the maaaansion. Say, is that Lou Perlman, fat man and founder of such musical pioneers as O*Town, The Backstreet Boys, and ĎN Sync? Ahh, no, itís just Julieís father. (Sorry about the confusion, but you must admit the similarities between these two men are downright eerie!) It is important to realize that the whole religious thing is but a faÁade. Although youíd automatically assume heís the father from heaven, itís quite the opposite... heís the father from Hell. An appearingly-sweet exterior, but a hideously controlling personality, (think Amaya, but a older and a lot bigger, excluding breasts - those are about the same size.) Move over Joan Crawford, this here is Daddie Dearest.
Daddie Dearest finally concedes that heís open to the idea of Julie attending another college, heíll just have to disown her. Julie confesses, "I really love my dad for the person that he is, yet as soon as he opens his mouth, I just get all this anger built up in me." Well Julie, I admit that every time you open your mouth, I want to smack your pout-y lips and yank at your giant teeth. Take that, silly pony!
WAAA-URRRRRPP! WAAA-URRRRRRPP! The alarm sounds --- there has been a disturbance in the household. A certain young lady has used a certain inappropriate word in front of her father. Shit? Fuck? Testicle? Nope, far worse... "ass." After the EMTs revive Daddie Dearest from an apparent heart attack, itís lecture time. Does Julie realize that this swear is a profane word? Does she realize what a bad example she is to her little sisters? Doesnít she realize such language can simply be "phased out" of her life?
Julie: But Dadddddddddddddddddd, what if I donít want to phase it out?
Father: Well then, search your heart.
Uh-huh, sure. "Search your heart, search your soul, and when you find me there youíll searrrccchh no more." Who does this guy think he is, Bryan Adams? Complete bullshit. Julie freaks out once again at Daddie Dearest, angry that he finds her to be a bad person. "I never said you were a bad person, Julie, I just said you were going to hell."
Next, Julie asks for Daddie Dearest to step outside. And oh, when a Julie asks someone to take it outdoors, you know itís going to be serious. (How can one forget the whole NY Julie/Kevin spat?) Well this bout is a bit more subdued than the prior battle, but it still has its moments. But before we start this, Iíd just like to say a quick nanner-nanner-poo-poo (or as David would say, nanner-nanner-woo-woo) to Wench. I get to detail the "big fight!" Suck it!
The eventful conversation begins with the following ---
Julie: I bemoan not being good enough for you...
Father: Youíre moaning? How many times have I instructed that your private spots are not to be touched by anyone?
Thatís just the first of many little jabs at one another. Definitely the best line of the night has to go to Julie. "Every morning you came in my room and yanked the covers off my bed and made me go to seminary." Now wait, go back and reread that last quote again. This is SO obviously a euphemism for child molestation. "Made me go to seminary..." haha, Iíve heard a lot of varied phrases meaning "to orgasm", but this one takes the cake. Sexual relations with a minor, Daddie Dearest? I guess he has more in common with this boy-band luviní Lou Perlman figure than heíd let us believe!
Daddie Dearest does his best to convince Julie that she doesnít have it so bad. He points out that if she were in India, heíd get to pick out her spouse. She finds this to be a ludicrous practice, and exclaims that just because itís customary doesnít make it right. Her father then decides that this probably isnít the best time to show her the plane tickets to New Delhi and announce the familyís plans to move. Discussions about this nice Pakistani man heís spoken with will have to wait for another time. Instead he screams, "NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!"
As the two have it out with each other, they roam the streets of New Orleans. Iím compelled to note that at one point theyíre standing in front of a cage of rabbits. These bunnies are all hopping around a miniature church scene. This must be symbolic of something. Could be representative of innocence and the extent to which such a quality revolves around religion and... Aww hell, who am I kidding? This is BMP weíre talking about here. They wouldnít know imagery if it bit them in the butt.
Alas the mother comes to the rescue and asks Julie if she should bring her father back to the hotel. Whatís interesting is that this is the third time tonight that she has asked if they should go home. Is she hinting at something? Iím thinking sheís having some sinful hormonal feelings. Not that anything will come of it though, as soon as they make it back to their room,
Daddie Dearest will surely say, "I thought I told you... you have a headache!" Indeed, there will be no Mormon loviní in New Orleans tonight.
After the surreal parents have left, Julieís brother Alan stays behind to comfort Julie. As he hugs her, he uses the opportunity to cop a feel. Hey, who can blame him? No hometown girls will let him get within a three-mile radius of them, and those are prize-winning breasts. Julie doesnít seem to mind about the extra tight squeeze. "Alanís so awesome because he will let me know that itís not my fault, that Iím not always the bad guy." Such as? "Well there was the time I put Fluffy in the microwave to dry her off after a rain storm. Alan let me know that it was really the Devilís blunder for creating such intense warmth. And the time I got mad at Grandma and pushed her down a flight of stairs... Alan convinced me that she was old and was going to die anyway, I just helped her get to God sooner. Oh, and that time I had sexual relations with a horse! Well, Alan didnít take the blame off me following that, but he did promise not to tell if Iíd bathe with him. Heís SUCH a sweet guy!"
Julie is crying in the confessional... again. (Has anyone been keeping a tally of this?) Itís only a matter of time before she floods the Confessional with her tears. Not just any flood, but one of Biblical proportions. The second Great Inundation! Matt can build the gang an ark (and paint it rainbow colors!) and he and Julie can gather two of each kind: a pair of minorities (David/Melissa), a couple of yuppies (Jamie/Kelley), and a duo of queer people (Danny/Paul). And once the water level lowers, theyíll all be responsible for repopulating the earth. Eww, talk about a nightmare. Iíd gladly rather breathe in a large amount of water than live to see that day.
Jamie convinces Julie that the argument she had with her father was a good thing. After all, itís better to get these conversations out of the way now rather than twenty years from now or when heís on his deathbed. Of course if sheíd just like to do it both now and while on his deathbed, I suggest she just utter the word "cunt." Half a second later heíll be lying on the ground clenching his chest. Whatís terrific is how Jamie feels heís qualified to give parent advice... who is he to talk? Wait, I take that back. Iíve heard that Jamie and his father managed to settle their differences outside of court, and his mother still has the nanny call him daily to check on how he is. Now thatís love. The scene concludes as Julie says that all she needs is a "Jack Danielís and a male prostitute." There are some quotes that just donít need any accompanying jokes...
Kelley reveals that she had a fight with Peter. "It was something really stupid," she states, never fully explaining the details of the event. Anyone care to make some guesses as to what happened? Did Kelley hog Peter's mirror? Did she use up all of his lip-gloss? Did she take so long "getting ready" in the bathroom that he developed a bladder infection? Most likely it was a combination of all three.
Through context clues, (ahh, so the SATs really can come in handy,) I am able to determine that Peter picked Kelley a flower. And we can all see how a horrible gesture such as that easily begins a dispute... "You mean you didn't even buy this flower for me, let alone purchase a full dozen?!" Later, the resident bitch, Kelley, whimpers to her own personal bitch, Danny, about the incident. "I simply informed him that in the future he should bring me something that compliments my skin tone and costs half a day's wage." Danny declares that Kelley is mean and insensitive. (BING! Chalk one up to Danny. Score - Danny: 1, Kelley: -43.) Not only that, but also ALL girls are mean. Not to mention icky. He insists that Peter was only being sweet to her and she shouldn't have reacted the way she did. "In fact," he continues, "If you don't treat that gorgeous piece of meat right, I'm going to gobble him up for myself. And you know I could get him. I've had you, I've had David, hell, I've even had M@. I could be privately examining him and playing with his stethoscope as soon as tonight if I wanted." Damn bastard. Sad thing is, he's probably right.
Outside, M@ apologizes for his comment that prompted Julie to say "ass" in front of her dad. Julie flips out and grabs the rainbow-colored chair M@ is painting, smacking him over his pale head with it. "You should be sorry, you'll pay for this!" Blood trickles from behind his cracked orange glasses. *sigh* At least that's how I wished it would happen... in reality the two losers bond and Julie decides the experience was good because it "ended on a constructive note." Yawn.
Daddie Dearest eventually returns to try and make amends with his sinful spawn. As he works his mind tricks on Julie, a more interesting scene unfolds in the background. One of Julie's younger sisters stumbles out of David's bedroom, completely disillusioned. "Pa, I'm not sure what just happened... " Cut to fifteen minutes later after things have been sorted out, the family is gathered in the backyard. Daddie Dearest aims the rifle at his child's heart and wastes her. "It's a shame such evil has come to such a good girl," he concludes as the group files away from the impure corpse.
Kelley is still plagued with thoughts of Peter. She grabs the telephone and begins using her most seductive 900-hotline voice. "Hi Peter, it's me." (I can already picture Peter as he rewinds his answering machine. "It's me? Which of the six women I'm playing is this message from?") "I just don't want to be in a fight with you right now. I don't want to be mad, I don't want to be anything -- I just want to be happy." Ah, now there's the tasteless whore we've grown to know. She's feeling insecure, and she's prepared to lie on her back and do whatever.
Now Peter might not be the brightest dude, but he recognizes a booty call when he hears one. So what if Kelley's demeaned him on national television? He's a man-slut, just as cheap as his girl-toy, of course he'll make a reconciliation attempt. Peter does his very best job to write a note to his beloved. Upon completion, he enters the maaaaansion while everyone is sleeping (where's the security for this place anyway?) and leaves the message next to Kelley's bed. Of course, he's dressed in his scrubs while he makes the delivery in an effort to remind all of the lovely female viewing audience that he is a doctor, just in case he does get dumped.
When Kelley wakes up the following morning, she finds the note to be absolutely delightful. Although it's penned with a pink crayon, contains grotesque misspellings, and is written on a used sheet of toilet paper, she decides it's the best work of literature known to man. The only housemate she's willing to share this letter with is her bitch. His response? "Just tell me when you eventually break up so I can call that sexy mofo." Nice to know he's genuinely interested.
The happy couple reconvenes at a local chic restaurant. Kelley admits that she's "probably the most indecisive person she's ever met in her entire life." Geez Kell, it's uncertain statements like these that lead to this problem - take a stand! She also divulges that she's never been able to completely open up to someone. "Nobody can penetrate me!" she exclaims. Au contraire... any man with a Lexus and a bottle of champagne can penetrate Kelley, who is she kidding? "Why do you have to be so perfect?" she asks Peter. Immediately after, a huge bag of cocaine falls out of his pocket. Finally, a sense of shattered reality! Not that she seems to care, because she then suggests that this relationship could last "forever, maybe." Uh, I'm betting not. As soon as Peter realizes the cameras have left for good, he'll be taking off for bigger and brighter things. I hear Cameron Diaz is single...
What will the future hold for Kelley? Well, certainly not much. What former Real Worlders have succeeded on television? Well, Eric has some infomercials, Jacinda and Colin have played minor roles in NBC flops, and Teck hosts some third-rate MTV crap. You really expect Kelley to break the pattern? Look for her as a Mary Kay lady on your doorstep any day now. As for her relationship, she claims she's "jumping in head first." I'm hoping she'll do just that into an empty pool. Concussion city!
We've seen plenty of Daddie thus far, but it's time we focus on good ol' Mom. She asks Julie to spend some mommie/daughter time with her and go to get some dinner. What I find most amusing is where they choose to dine. The Smoothie King? Isn't it some Mormon law where thou mother musseth provide thee with a healthy meal? I suppose I'm really supposed to pay attention to the discussion they have after they slurp on their chow. They have a grand discussion on the radical behaviors of Julie's father, etc, etc. It's a conversation that was twenty years in the making, and it's finally shared in front of the cameras. Wow, what a funky coincidence that it finally occurred while BMP is around. Not that I suspect a thing...
The episode is almost over, time to wrap things up with the Manson, err, Mormon family. Daddie Dearest makes one last-ditch effort to Christianize the three corrupt guys in the Belfort. He tries to educate the "men" (and I use the term loosely) to associate themselves from someone in the Bible.
Jamie: "I figure I'm most like the Prodigal Son. My website has gone under three times over, and my dad has bailed me out each time. I mean, how many people really play extreme sports?"
David: "Iím most like that Moses character, woo woo. Iíve been with several women with burning bushes (think venereal disease) of their own."
Danny: "I think Iím most like Jesusís mother, Mary. We both like to ride asses."
Perhaps the connections were not quite as positive as Daddie Dearest had hoped, but itís a start. Alas the clan says goodbye as they hop into their van and drive off. A major emotional burden has been lifted from New Orleans as they cross the city limits, not to mention a physical one as well as the several hundred pounds that encompass Daddie Dearest head back to Wisconsin.
Julie feels liberated now that she showed her parents whoís boss. Um right, babe, you keep telling yourself that. She continues to babble on and on about being "an independent woman." Frankly, Iím not buying it. As long as she has her address sewn onto the back of her underwear, sheís not independent from anything. Of course this phrase does lead way for a great plug for the new Charlieís Angels movie, featuring Destinyís Childís new single "Independent Women." (MTVís cheap, theyíll advertise anything for a small fee.) Tune in next week when David uses TROJAN condoms, M@ types on his DELL computer, and Julie tells you to have a nice day (brought to you by the Jesus Christ Church Of Later-Day Saints.)
Now that all is said and done, I'm thinking I'd actually kinda like a dad like Julie's...
Nah, I'm just shitting.
Archive > Television > The Real World > Season 09: New Orleans