Real World Newswires
The Real World Xtras - RW Newswires

By BillyPilgrim
6/6/2001

July 1, 2001

REAL WORLD WANNABE REJECTED AGAIN

OAK HILLS, ILLINOIS (AP) -- Already distraught over his not being picked for the Real World 10 New York cast, friends of Segun are reporting that he is "near suicidal" over the news that his application for admission to McDonald's prestigious Hamburger University was not approved by the fast food chain today.

"When he got the envelope today, he saw how thin it was and knew that he hadn't been admitted to Hamburger U. even before he opened it up," said Mary Hernandez, Segun's shift supervisor at a north Houston, TX, McDonald's where he has been working for the past three years. "He just broke down crying. He'd been so confident he was going to make it into Hamburger U.

"I told him to be proud of the fact that he was just given the chance to apply, but he said that's not good enough," Hernandez continuted. "He's just not content with being second best. I tried to placate him by saying he should apply for a promotion from Milkshake Machine Technician to Second Assistant Fry Chef because I'm sure that'd be approved. He just broke down crying. Something about how french fry grease was bad for his skin."

Hernandez sent the grieving Segun home early. "I told him to go get a manicure or go shopping or something to relieve the stress and it'd all be better tomorrow," she said.

October 3, 2000

JULIE GOES APESHIT!
MINNEAPOLIS (AP) -- In yet another failed attempt to break away from her controlling parents, Julie, the Misunderstood Mormon from MTV's The Real World New Orleans, was seen throwing her hat up in the air on the streets of Minneapolis today.

"I was just sitting at my desk at my new job at a TV station in Minneapolis and I was reading Chicken Soup for the Boring Mormon Soul because I didn't have anything else to do and I read this really great story about this one-legged guy who won a half-million dollars by just sitting on his ass for three months and all of a sudden I realized that I was going to make it after all so I told my boss Lou that I had to go run out in the street and just throw my hat up in the air and jump around like a horny baboon, " Julie said with a Jim Jones-style Kool-Aid mustache apparent on her upper lip.

Julie's father soon put a stop to her horseshit, threatening to take away all her Blink-182 posters if she lost another hat, young missy.

JULIE WINS LIGHTWEIGHT TITLE -- Squirrel still in critical condition -- National Boxing Federation to investigate
LAS VEGAS (AP) -- Julie, the Mormon Mauler from MTV's The Real World New Orleans, won the NBF Lightweight Championship this evening thanks to a controversial twelfth round knockout of her opponent Squirrel.

The fight is now under investigation by the National Boxing Federation since Squirrel's camp is alleging that the Mormon Mauler bit off the bottom portion of her opponent's ear during the twelfth round of the bout. Squirrel is still being held in intensive care at Las Vegas' Wayne Newton Memorial Hospital.

Apparently even though she can't drink a friggin' Coca Cola, it's not against the little Mormon wench's religion to bite off the ear of my boxer," said T.T. Boy, manager of Squirrel. "Wait till Brigham Young the XXXVII hears about this!"

Julie seems unconcerned. "I just like trained like hard and then I just like did my best because that's all you can do. Elishia, my daddy's thirteenth wife, told me that when life like gives me lemons, I'm supposed to like make lemonade for her and all my daddy's other wives. I think that's really like appropriate here. You know? Or, um, like no?"

September 29, 2000

M@'s Pocket Monster Unleashed
HIAWASEE (AP) -- After 21 years of confinement, Penischu--the pocket monster of M@, the popular hipster from MTV's The Real World New Orleans--was unleashed on Hiawasee, Georgia, today. 3,700 people are feared dead at this moment.

"For my entire life, you backwards rednecks have made fun of me," M@ was heard screaming in the streets of the small town. "You called me albino and frog boy. You tied me to the back of your pickup trucks. Well, Hiawasee, Georgia, meet Penischu, feared enemy of sad clown drag queens everywhere!"

Currently, Penischu is bombarding the Planned Parenthood clinic on Elm Street with fireballs. The Mayor of Hiawasee has advised all residents to stay in their homes until the situation has passed.

September 28, 2000

M@ finds his father
DEATH STAR (AP) -- Yesterday was both a great and awful day for M@, the popular hipster from MTV's The Real World New Orleans.

"I finally met my daddy after all these years. We look just alike," a jubiliant M@ said. "Too bad I had to destroy him to keep him from taking over the universe."

M@'s father, D@rth V@der, left M@'s mother when the young boy was only three weeks old. "I just couldn't handle the shame of having an albino frog baby," V@der said while on his death bed. "I wasn't ready for the responsibility of keeping the family stocked in SPF-60 sun tan lotion. That stuff is expensive!"

But on the verge of completing a super space station with the capability of destroying the entire universe, V@der's paternal instincts took over. "I just wanted someone that I could pass my throne down to when I passed on," V@der said. "So I called M@ and invited him to join me on my Death Star."

M@ said, "I just didn't have any choice. My momma always taught me that blowing up the universe is wrong. It's in the Bible right next to the verse about not having butt sex with another man. So I had to take out my three-inch light saber and destroy my own daddy."

A funeral will be held today on the moon of Endor. Fellow RWNO cast member MElissa will dress up as an Ewok and lead the service.

September 27, 2000

M@ finds Jesus
BATTLE CREEK (AP) -- Quaker Oats announced today that M@, the popular hipster from MTV's The Real World New Orleans, is the winner of their first annual "Cap'n Crunch Finds Jesus" contest.

"I am so excited to find Jesus," M@ said at a press conference. "I mean, I woke up this morning as just an ordinary guy who was searching for the meaning of life. Then I lick my luscious lips and say, 'Boy, I'd like some Cap'n Crunch for breakfast,' and, lo and behold, five minutes later I was holding Jesus in my lusterless hands thanks to Cap'n Crunch."

He continued, "It was just amazing. As soon as I had Jesus in my hands, all truth was revealed and all goals were attainable. I knew I could even date Billy Idol if I wanted to."

When asked what he was going to do with his new cereal Jesus, M@ said, "I'm going to use Jesus to help cure albinism. Or maybe I'll just use him to help me get laid and stuff."

September 26, 2000

Stock market takes record drop! New Great Depression imminent! Experts blame Soulgear.com
NEW YORK (AP) -- Investors around the world are trembling in fear as the Dow Jones has dropped a record 3200 points in the last three hours. Financial analysts are blaming the drop on yesterday's initial public offering of Soulgear.com stock.

Soulgear.com is the extreme sports equipment supply company of Jamie, the Nature Sensei of MTV's animal documentary series The Real World New Orleans.

"It appears that investors are so intrigued with the business concept of Soulgear.com that they are trying to sell all their other holdings to then invest solely in Soulgear.com," financial expert Cleo DaWhiner said. "The market simply can't handle this extreme load of selling, there's not enough capital in the market to support a company like Soulgear.com."

Soulgear.com owner Jamie appeared at a press conference this morning in Chicago. He said, "Well, me and my shorties we just think that extreme sports participants deserve the best in equipment. I had this blue bungee cord that I really liked but it just clashed with the upholstery in my tan BMW. Soulgear.com is attempting to solve problems like that. And all those whiny people complaining about the market crashing are just jealous psychotic bitches."

In related news, Milwaukee-based restaurant The Wholly Cow's stock fell to 3.5 cents yesterday.

September 25, 2000

Scientists conclude there is no intelligent life on Mars
HOUSTON (AP) -- NASA scientists had their hopes that there was intelligent life on Mars crushed this week when they discovered a satellite photograph of the planet's surface showing a shrine to popular Real World New Orleans hipster M@.

"It's awful," Connie Linguist, the Head of NASA's Mars Mission division, told reporters. "Mars just had the perfect atmospheric blends, we were positive there was intelligent life there. But we're talking a shrine to M@, for Christ's sake. The albino frog boy."

Linguist added that at first scientists were excited by the photograph. "It was a little blurry at first and we thought it was a Dick Van Patten shrine. Now everybody loves Dick, so this could have been a major step forward in Earth-Mars relations," he said.

The scientists are not sure how the Martians came to worship M@. "We know he's not from the Red Planet," explained Linguist. "Because of his constant homophobic belief that other straight males are hitting on him, we're quite sure he's from Uranus."

The M@-Mars issue already looks to become a hot topic in the presidential election. In a speech in Des Moines, Iowa, this morning, Democratic candidate Al Gore urged Congress to rush thru a bill that would eliminate all funding for NASA's Mars research. "What kind of lesson are we teaching our children when we spend billions of dollars studying civilizations that would stoop so low as to worship M@? It's a shame, I tell you. If the Wizard would only give me my heart, I'd cry," Gore said.

September 12, 2000

M@ Fights Communism
MIAMI (AP) -- M@, the popular hipster and world-famous communist fighter from MTV's The Real World New Orleans, saved the United States from an evil communist plot this morning when he stormed the house of Elian Gonzalez and forcibly removed the 6-year old Cuban exile at gun point.

"I'd received an anonymous tip that the little communist bastard was here on a secret mission to poison our cigar supply," M@ told reporters. "This whole cute going to Disneyland crap was just a cover. He was one evil kid."

M@ and his Delta Z Force Battalion entered the home of relatives where Gonzalez had been staying for the past six months at 5:30 a.m. "We found the little prick hiding in a closet like a fuckin' baby," M@ said. "He was crying something about wanting his Fidel. I knew right then we'd made the correct decision in capturing him now before it was too late. I hope the jerk gets the electric chair. That'll teach Castro and his cronies not to fuck with America's cigar industry."

M@ added, "And of course the short shit tried to get on my good side by signing my guestbook. Doesn't he know I'm M@, World Famous Enemy of Communism? I'm not going to fall for such a simple little ruse as that.

"By the power of Grayskull, Delta Z Force forever! Ouch, that hurt," M@ said as he thumped his chest at the end of the press conference. He left on his new camouflage lowrider bike.

September 11, 2000

M@ at Area 51
ROSWELL (AP) -- Top alien researchers have discovered a photograph that links M@, the popular hipster from MTV's The Real World New Orleans, with the 1947 crash of an alien ship at Roswell, New Mexico.

The photograph shows M@ watching as government doctors perform an autopsy on one of the alien bodies discovered at the crash site.

"We believe M@ was sent from the planet Soletraine to suck the lifeforce from all who met him," alien researcher James T. Kirk, Jr., said during a morning press conference. "Notice his pale skin, it indicates a lack of circulatory vessels. And his long tongue is great for catching flies and crickets, a staple of the diet of the Soletrainians. And those luscious lips...mmm..."

Kirk went on to say that M@'s lifedraining force was probably in large part responsible for the lifelessness of this season's Real World cast. "I'm sure those poor kids didn't know what hit them. They only wanted some booze and kertanging, instead MTV subjected them to a male succubus. We can only be thankful that M@ was sent to New Orleans instead of Hawaii, just think of the horror that would have taken place if M@ had kissed Amaya's bunny."

M@ could not be reached for comment as he is currently somewhere in the woods of Maryland searching for the mothership.

September 6, 2000

M@ = Man on the Grassy Knoll?
DALLAS (AP) -- Researchers at the Sixth Floor Book Depository Museum announced today that they have uncovered a new photo that may implicate M@, the popular hipster from MTV's The Real World, in the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

Mike Hunt, head of the BMP-JFK Connection research team, says that the photo was sent in by an anonymous source. "The only note with the photo said, 'Beware of the Belfort connection.'"

It took the research teams months of meticulous computer image mapping to unfold the secrets of the photo, which appears to show M@ standing on Elm St. in Dallas, TX, seconds before President Kennedy was shot in November of 1963.

"We're wondering if those are special sniper glasses that he is wearing," Hunt told reporters. He also said that the lesbian Beth from The Real World Los Angeles may somehow be involved.

"All we know about her right now is that she's not a lesbian, but her girlfriend is," Hunt said. "That's quite cryptic, we're still working on the decoding.

"Plus we do know that Lee Harvey Oswald was a patient of Dr. Peter's when he was living in New Orleans in early 1963. It's quite a sinister web," Hunt concluded.

M@ could not be reached for comment as he is at a breakdancing camp in Savannah, Georgia, at the moment, according to his mother.

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