Legally Blonde makes me happy. Right?
Legally Blonde

By Martha
8/25/2001

Here we have Reese Witherspoon, a young and perky actress utterly indistinguishable from dozens of other young and perky actresses, except, perhaps, by her utterly old and stolid name. Shall we call her Reese "Pieces" Witherspoon? Yes, let's.

So, Pieces lives in a sorority utterly full of young and perky coeds who are all utterly blonde. They spend their time walking around in their underwear and squealing. If it weren't for the perfect bikini wax jobs and PG rating, we would see that their pubic areas are also brilliantly pale. Pieces has a Big Date with her Perfect Man, the one with whom she is In Love. She goes shopping. She buys the Perfect Outfit. She looks Fabulous. She goes out on her date expecting to receive a Proposal accompanied by one very Large Diamond Ring. Instead, she gets dumped even before dinner is served. Boo Hoo.

Said Perfect Man is on his way to Harvard. He is going to study Law. He is going to be a Perfect Corporate Family Lawyer. Said Perfect Man informed our little Pieces that she is too much of a piece of ass to give his mother any peace of mind. Besides, as a Future United States Senator, he is of a mind to do all of his ass-fucking outside of the sacred bonds of matrimony. He is not so callow as to wish his former girlfriend to walk all of the way home with her mascara streaming down her face. A Gentleman knows that a Lady prefers not to ruin brand new Fuck-Me Shoes for any reason so inconsequential as walking. And a Lady is too discrete to mention the urban dog turd she has impaled on her 5-inch spike heel that she must then discretely grind into the Gentleman's passenger side floor covering.

Ah, well, the script writers do not inform us if the once Perfect Man parked his once Perfect Car too long in the sun the next day. We do, however, know that Pieces recovered herself enough to decide to attend Harvard Law School. Out of some ineffable sympathetic reaction, half of her sorority sisters immediately color their hair brown. We also learn that in order to gain admission to Harvard Law School one must have a perfect 4.0 grade point average, excellent letters of recommendation from faculty members, an exceedingly high LSAT score, and of course a video interview tape directed by a Coppola featuring several Sparkling Bikini costume changes does not hurt. In fact, our little Pieces is planning to send the same tape, along with her Harvard admissions letter, to the producers of the next Temptation Island. A girl can dream, see?

The Harvard Admissions Committee is impressed. They invite Pieces to enter Harvard Law School. She agrees and brings her little dog, too. Pieces remains true to her blondeness. In her rush to discover Social Activities, she forgets all about Class Assignments. Our little Pieces gets called on the first day of class by the Evil Bitch Professor-Woman. Our little Pieces did not read the assignment and is told to leave class. She is mortified. Luckily, she exits just in time to meet the One True Love Of Her Life (but she does not recognize him as such, blinded as she is by tears and the glow of Perfect Man). Yes, here is Perfect Man. On his arm, "Vivian." See, "Vivian" has a name that is full of Vs. There is a V in Evil. "Vivian" is evil because she has stolen Perfect Man from our little Pieces, although it is not clear whether "Vivian" is aware that Perfect Man spent all his time out west ass-fucking waxed blondes. Pieces and "Vivian" go eyeball to eyeball. Pieces blinks.

But all is not lost. Pieces saves her sanity and her place in the first year class through the Magic of Manicure. The only thing better then pretty fingernails for a first year law student is a production chorus line number in a beauty salon featuring boob thrusts and a token flaming homosexual whose Happy Dance takes no prisoners. He is not the only one with the possible hots for the UPS Man. Indeed, we are introduced to the Secondary Plot by the entrance of said UPS Man who lights fires under Pieces' magic manicurist. Manicurist (shall we call her Manny? yes, let's) is also a Former Dog Owner. If it weren't for Pieces, Manny would have gotten in line for a turn at the Springer Cam and plowed a big fork lift into her former live-in boyfriend White (Meat) Trash's trailer, triumphantly grinding it into the said ground. Instead, Pieces proves her mettle by falsely representing herself as Manny's attorney to White (Meat) Trash, unethically and illegally attempting to practice law without a license. This would have utterly failed except for Manny's uncanny ability to translate Harvard English into white trash Trailer Talk. Manny leaves the pig and takes the dog. We are happy for her. And for Pieces.

And so we go back to Harvard. Pieces devotes herself to her studies. That is, she learns to MultiTask. She takes her casebooks to the salon. She reads while on the treadmill. She studies, studies, studies, without ever actually sitting down in a quiet room with her books and her notes and her undivided attention devoted to them. Pieces is a new modern heroine. She does what it takes to look great and studies without really studying and keeps a dog in her dorm room that has been genetically engineered to resorb waste products. Which might be said of Harvard Law School in general, but not by this movie.

Comes the time for summer jobs. There is only one summer job worth having, and it will go to only four students. Without explanation, said job goes to Pieces, "Vivian," Perfect Man, and the token Feminist who is given nothing whatsoever else to do in this movie. Which is what makes her the Feminist. Rest assured, this is not a Feminist Movie. Pieces, "Vivian," Perfect Man, and the nameless Feminist go to work. "Vivian" is told to get coffee. Perfect Man gets paid yet does nothing. The Feminist gets to sit next to the One True Love of Piece's Life but he does not ask her for a date. Pieces does not follow orders, yet she solves the murder case and gets the client acquitted under the watchful eye of the One True Love of Her Life. The case is not interesting. It has to do with liposuction and jealous rages and permanent waves, but nothing really to do with anything. Oh, yeah, there was a scene where "Vivian" played a mean trick on Pieces and told her to come to a costume party and our poor little Pieces showed up in a pink playboy bunny outfit. Her humiliation went to such an extreme that she was compelled to buy some textbooks and study aids. But this has nothing to do with anything, other than to reassure us once again that showing up at a party looking sexy and cute as a little bunny will not necessarily damage your quasi-feminist career, provided you do not make the mistake of going home to change into something more appropriate. (You all saw "Working Girl." Nothing new here.) Oh, yeah, and there was this other scene where this ultra-dork classmate of Pieces' with about a million advanced degrees and not many social skills is trying to ask a cruelly unwilling girl out on a date. Pieces saves the day by slapping him across the face and asking, in so many words, where do you get off ass-fucking Pieces and never calling back?? Of course we are not treated to the most probable retort ("But that's what Perfect Man did!") and instead are expected to agree what a great gal Pieces is, that she would pretend to have fucked him like a bunny, probably still wearing that outfit, just so he could get a date with someone else. Our brave little Pieces yet again is at work, convincing a cruel woman to date an ultra-dork, thus saving him from the utter humiliation of going dateless without actually having to date him herself. We are happy for them both. Of course, we are not later informed how much fun can be had by a cruel person dating an ultra-dork.

So, where were we? Oh, "Vivian" notices that during their summer-job conferences, her professor-boss always asks her to get the coffee. She notices that he never asks Perfect Man to get the coffee. This bothers "Vivian" because Perfect Man got into Harvard Law School off the wait list. She does not notice that the professor-boss never asks Pieces or even the Feminist to get the coffee. We are also expected not to notice this, as it would distract from the Working Girl-Power unlikelihood of the "Vivian"/Pieces budding friendship. They bond because men are losers.

The professor-boss then makes an utterly unlikely and inept pass at Pieces. Pieces then bonds with the Evil Bitch Professor-Woman who turns out to be not so bad because she goes to the beauty salon, too. And she is also old enough and wise enough to realize that all men are losers, even though they run the world. And so our happy Pieces casts off her old, tired valley girl look and takes on a new and improved Most Prestigious Law Firm In Boston look (no more White (Meat) Trash problem-solving for her!). She gives the commencement address and gazes out into the crowd at her moment of triumph at which point we learn that the One True Love Of Her Life (who was cast out of paradise and is now limping along in solo practice, taking on all the White (Meat) Trailer Trash cases he can find), the one with the perennially dopey look on his face, is about to propose marriage. We do not see the urban dog turd stains on his shoes. We share this moment of triumph with Pieces. We are happy.

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