I`m Not Gay, But My Date Sure Is
Survivor Season 3: Africa - Episode 9

By Kvm711
4/4/2001

Another beautiful morning at Moto Maji. A buzz is brewing about the previous night's vote. Ethan, the goalie who couldn't keep an elephant out of a mouse hole, doesn't feel he can trust Brandon. Little Kim is enraged that Brandon switched his vote without discussing it with her. Brandon is oblivious to it all, sitting alone like a dumbass and rubbing the crust from his eyes.

Lex has grown uncomfortable with making all the decisions for his alliance, and fears retribution. He approaches Mama Kim and Ethan to offer up additional power to them. The pair don't pay much attention to Lex, Kim instead continuing to vigorously rub suntan lotion on Ethan's back. For Ethan's sake, I hope he doesn't have to return the favor and touch her wrinkled skin, one of many hideous features that make her body more suitable to be donated to an alligator purse manufacturer than to science.

The men are waiting for the women to ready themselves for the day. Tom makes some comment about women that is so unintelligible the closed captioner cannot figure out what to type. Frank declares that they're lucky the girls don't have a mirror or they'd spend all morning looking at themselves. Yes, that would certainly be a waste of time seeing as there are so many more pressing things that need to get done at camp like lounging around and daydreaming about food. "Three women are too many!" Tom adds. Just because you have bigger bosoms than the ladies, Tom, doesn't mean you can demean them like.

ATTACK OF THE FLIES!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Not since Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds have flying creatures assaulted humans like this! In a highly exaggerated sequence, the castaways bitch about insects and how the little critters seem to think that nature is their private playground. Certainly bugs have no business being in the jungle... those bastards. Ethan, whose luxury item must be a thesaurus, calls the flies "rampant and brazen." Mama Kim adds that "at home, (just) one fly in the kitchen drives us nuts." She also figures that once they all return home, they'll be scratching at themselves instinctively, paranoid by the bugs. Well, that's possible, but I imagine you'll be too busy running and ducking from people hatefully hurling objects at your head to give insects a second thought.

Alas, after a three-minute moan-fest, the group seems to be over the fly problem, still healthy as can be expected. Whatever happened to the good old day when bugs carried malaria and other deadly diseases? Is it really too much to ask for a few poisoned bites?

Tom has sprouted a truly hideous boil on the right side of his neck. Ethan considers the growth to be some sort of third eye or perhaps an extra brain. Wouldn't extra imply he had another one? Tom is proud of his appendage, declaring it a horn. He explains that all of the strongest animals in Africa sport a horn, and he's growing one to "fight off the beast." I happen to think there are much easier ways to defeat Lex, but to each his own. Brandon is disgusted by the boil, and recalls one that developed on Tom's armpit earlier. Apparently they popped that sucker and enough puss and crap came out it could fill a shot glass. Thanks for that image, Brandon. Chug, chug! And I thought the blood-drinking was nasty....

The ladies form Tom's harem, fawning over his boil. I don't know what about a callous blob of crud with hair shooting out they find attractive, but they all take turns touching it. I haven't seen women go this crazy over a supernatural growth since my friend sprouted a second penis. I swear it's true. As the girls continue to coo at the boil, Ethan retrieves the day's reward challenge clue.

To write these corny clues
Talent - one must lack it
Burnett seems to have hired
Poets that couldn't hack it

At any rate, the castaways are instructed to pair off and they decide the best way to do this task is to pick names out of a hat. Elder Kim and Ethan, putting on a second showing of The Graduate, hump with joy over drawing the same number. Little Kim, for mysterious reasons seems ecstatic over being paired with Tom, bleats with delight. Her goat-farmin' partner immediately gets a hard on as she reminds him of the loving he receives at home. Lex considers himself blessed to be matched up with someone he can really trust, namely Teresa. Teresa puts on her phony "the emergency exits are located in the front and rear, please fasten your safety belt" smile and tries to weasel her way out having to hug, let alone touch, the man with more tattoos than brain cells. This leaves...

Frank and Brandon! Frank wants it on the record that he did not pick Brandon willingly. He spies Tom giggling at the situation and says that he sure "got a belly full on this one." Well then, he sure must have very found it funny, as it'd take a truckload to fill Tom's massive belly. Tom counters that "Frank has the disposition of someone 80 year's old" (and the bladder control of one too, I might add,) and chuckles that if he were to play a dirty trick on Frank he "couldn't have thought of a better thing to do." Oh, Tom, I can think of plenty of better things. Smearing honey on his face as he sleeps next to a throng of killer ants... Urinating in a canteen and insisting it's just some of that Mountain Dew (It's delicious, it's refreshing, it's the one soft drink Survivor contestant Jessie will strip naked for! ©) crap Jeff keeps hawking at you... Or maybe even taking the Brandon issue further by making up a fake crush note, I'm sure the clue writers would help...

Dear Frank,
Roses are red
Your testicles are blue
I'd like to get it on
With grumpy-assed YOU!
Love, Brandon

Meanwhile, Tom has gone positively hog-wild (emphasis on the hog) for his partner Baby Kim. Kim does a handstand to pump herself up for the challenge, and Tom takes the opportunity to peak down her skirt. She urges her teammate to devise a team name for them, and Tom suggests "Big and Little." Kim hesitates at first before understanding the name has more to do with their difference in stature than her misshapen breasts. Tom feels confident that he and Kim will kick butt if the challenge is a physical one, but admits if it's mental, they're screwed. At least he recognizes his own limitations.

At the reward challenge, Jeff appears to explain they will be playing for a special movie experience. The tribe members essentially ignore Probst who is more unwanted than a grandma dumped at a nursing home. Jeff elaborates, dictating that there will be plenty of theatre food to accompany the motion picture. I give 2:1 odds that Mountain Dew (It's delicious, it's refreshing, it's the one soft drink Survivor contestant Jessie will strip naked for! ©) will make an appearance in some capacity during the screening.

Each team runs the relay race in various heats. Tom and Tiny Kim are eliminated first (I guess climbing over a wall requires too much mental ability) followed by Lex and Teresa. The final round features Frank & Brandon vs. Ethan & Mama Kim. Because it makes for more interesting TV (and because Kim runs hobbles precariously like she's in a 3-legged race with just her own two legs) Frank and Brandon are declared the victors. Frank high-fives his partner, an action he quickly regrets, and races to bathe in a bacteria-filled stream, willing to take whatever viral infections come as long as he scrubs away the "homosexuality disease" he exposed himself to.

Jeff Probst leads Frank and Brandon to a secluded area, declaring it their "Mecca." Right.... The clearing holds nothing more than a pair of lawn chairs, an elementary school filmstrip projector from 1972, and a large amount of leftovers from the craft service table of Marlin Brando's last flick. Jeff encourages the duo to gorge on the molding food, insisting that it's "slightly more edible than anything Keith could cook." Frank indulges, deciding this whole "date" setup was going to make him vomit soon anyway. Brandon opts to "feast" as well, gleefully grabbing Mini-Frank and jamming him into his mouth. Our homophobic military friend grows outraged at the spectacle before realizing Mini-Frank is not his own component, but merely an actual frankfurter topped with sauerkraut.

Jeff, with all the enthusiasm of a man on his deathbed, explains that their special movie treat will be Out Of Africa. Brandon, Mr. Out In Africa, mutters go figure, while Frank stops to thank his lucky stars that the film isn't gay porn. Probst further dictates that the movie will begin when "the sun comes down," dramatically gesturing towards the ground just in case the pair doesn't know which direction down is. Brandon busily takes notes.

Back at the Moto Maji camp, the tribe members are contemplating the romantic possibilities occurring at the movie showing. As they laugh in unison, Mama Kim appears to be blushing. Except that her right cheek remains permanently flushed, and it's not so much colored pink as it is brown... Is that some sort of shit stain on her crinkled skin or did Mark Burnett mandate she become biracial now his minority quota has been voted off? If anyone can confirm what's wrong with her face (besides looking like a jigsaw puzzle,) please contact me. I'd like to believe it's some symptom of a fatal disease, but my fragile heart cannot stand to get my hopes up in case it's really nothing.

At the special screening of Out Of Africa, the camera focuses on the dangling sneakers of both Frank and Brandon, subtly suggesting that the odd couple shares something in common, albeit just a mannerism. I'm moved to tears by the symbolism of unity. Errr, did I say moved? I meant bored to tears. The only genuine symbolism I see is that the stench of their shoes resembles the extent to which this episode reeks.

Frank feels extremely honored to watch Out Of Africa IN Africa. Doesn't our regimented chum realize that he's already broken the movie's one and only rule? Frank, you have dishonored Meryl Streep and all that our country stands for. He proceeds to share a Mountain Dew (It's delicious, it's refreshing, it's the one soft drink Survivor contestant Jessie will strip naked for! ©) with Brandon while insisting he'd rather be at the movies with Osama bin Laden (and what a sleazy companion he'd be, always trying to get under the woman's burqa on the first date) than a gay man. As he slowly munches on his popcorn, he continually spies Brandon suspiciously, making sure he doesn't attempt to put his arm around him. Firstly, he's delusional to think Brandon would be attracted to a guy with a face more sullen than can be found on Mount Rushmore, and secondly, this is Out Of Africa, no one puts the moves on a date at a movie like this. Then again, the couple in front of me was necking at Shine, so I guess you never know...

Just before the movie credits roll, we are treated to another shot of the boys' feet... this time with only their socks on. Screw the symbolism, where'd their shoes go?? Taking off the sneakers is just stage one towards completely undressing, and then who knows what might heat up... (If Frank is reading this right now, he's without a doubt had a heart attack at these implications, which has been my objective all along. See you in the obituaries, fucker!) Upon returning to camp, Brandon and Frank decide to impose a rule on the entire tribe regarding inquiring about their excursion, making the only agreement a gay man and army officer can: Don't ask, don't tell.

Cue a random shot of a baby baboon clinging to his mother's teats. Apparently, the Oedipus complex is alive in the jungle. Speaking of which, I wonder how Debb and son hubby are doing...

Tom and Frank leave camp to gather firewood. Tom is trying to establish a friendship with Frank, fearing his alliance is not as strong as previously believed. "Frannnnnkkkk," Tom slowly sputters. "You're my friend, we can go live with bunnnnnnnnnnnnnnny rabbbbbitttttttttttttts." I'd like to say he's just doing an impression from Of Mice And Men, but to know that, it'd require him being literate. I guess we'll just chalk this up to a bizarre Lenny-ish coincidence. Frank respects Tom in return, saying, "He reminds me of home: slow, firm, and things get done." Years from now (and I prefer sooner than later,) these words will be chiseled into Tom's tombstone, emphasis on the slow. Furthermore, Frank loves the fact that Tom isn't caught up in all the political correctness crap. Really? This gets me thinking... 3/4 of the words that come out of Tom's mouth are incomprehensible, who knows what he's been spouting? When he says, "MMmasdgsdfglkzhiadsg adgqaerhkljsdfh adrhoihhhbfciorhb gafdhcfhiuaehohehhhdfrffc!" he could be saying "Jews are the destruction of our society" or "All hail the Ku Klux Klan" underneath all that mumbling for all I know.

Tiny Kim and Brandon go to fetch the tree-mail about the upcoming immunity challenge. Kim expresses her anger over having Brandon not being up-front with her before the last tribal council. She gets so upset, she throws all her clothes off in a rage! Okay, not really, but she should have... that'd have shown Brandon she meant business and have shown me her hooters. Win-win situation if you ask me. Brandon begs for forgiveness, insisting that they'll be "friends forever." This is true, Brandon, if by "forever" you really mean "until you vote me out in fifteen minutes, you fucking bitch."

Immunity challenge is coming! Immunity challenge is coming! Frank speculates that alliances are not quite holding up. "People are changing their mind like they're changing their underwear." How profound. I guess this means Lex has not changed his mind in nearly two years. Also, isn't it about time Younger Kim changed her mind? Come on, Kim, change your mind... change your mind right in front of the camera for me, honey. Pretty please?

Her mind unchanged (damn it!) Kim expounds that with votes possibly going towards anyone, this immunity is crucial. Foaming at the mouth, Kim becomes determined to win the necklace.

The group proceeds to a beach where Jeff, sporting orange floaties on his arms, welcomes the tribe. He begins to drivel about "you all know how to make fire now" blah blah blah "fire is important to you" blah blah blah "fire represents your life" blah blah fucking blah. Oh how I wish for a freak accident where this "important" fire gets out of control and scorches each and every individual beyond recognition. That'd be sweeeeeeeeet. Even Smokey the Bear would encourage this bunch to play with gasoline and matches.

The competition begins. The survivors run to collect materials to catch fire with a magnifying glass. Baby Kim and Brandon take an early lead, choosing the brush and sticks for their kindling. Tom quickly becomes distracted by the provided elephant dung, preferring to roll around in the feces rather than participate in the challenge. "Ydfhcherhysfdhaerh," he unintelligibly mutters. I suppose this could mean, as Frank would suggest, "I don't trust Hispanic people," but I tend to believe it's, "Boy, this is some tasty poop!"

Youthful Kim is racing like a mad woman. For whatever reason (rabies? PMS? both?) she's aggressive as hell and refuses to lose. She and Lex get their fires going first with Frank close behind. Jeff closely monitors them, incorrectly convinced his presence somehow matters. "Come on, guys," he inanely cheers, while Kim drowns him out with her deranged shouts of, "BURN! BURN! BURN!" This reminds me of a song... "Burnnnnnnnnnn... Disco inferno!" All right, Burnett, forget shoes representing unity and fire representing life... you want symbolism? Disco=Survivor. Both fads past their prime. You might as well permanently affix a disco ball graphic to the top right corner of the screen and make the metaphor complete.

Jeff catches Frank cheating (honorable my ASS, Frank!) and disqualifies the sour man. Frank takes the opportunity to try to remove the uncomfortable stick out of his butt.

Finally, Lex wins. Or as I like to believe, in the group of losers, he lost the least. Jeff puts the "immunity necklace," which looks suspiciously like a collar to me, around Lex's head. Lex slobbers like the canine he is. "Good boy, good boy," Probst coos, rubbing behind Lex's ears. I know a dirty little dog that could use a flea bath. Yes I do! Yes I do!!

Baby Kim begins to cry over her narrow loss. Teresa, the sweetheart stewardess whore that she is, rushes over to comfort her. There's nothing I enjoy seeing more than two friends sharing a hug. Well, except maybe two friends sharing a hug in the nude. (Hint, hint.)

With the immunity under his belt, Lex wants to win lose less the game even more. The further he goes, the more driven he is, he testifies. Ugh. Skip the flea bath, let's just put him directly to sleep. He approaches Tom and condescendingly encourages him to vote for Frank rather than Brandon, as the latter could prove to be an asset. Tom replies (in a rare lucid moment), "If you dance with my lady, I'll dance with yours." I'm not quite sure what this has to do with anything, but I was able to understand it after three listens, and I'm extremely proud. I must wonder, however, who would ever want to cut in and borrow Tom's lady? Well, I guess maybe if you're blind and into bestiality, but that pretty much rules out everyone but Ethan.

Mama Kim evaluates the game thus far, realizing that anyone who has manipulated, suggested a plan B, or jumped ship, has been voted out immediately. She then vows to shut up and go back to being a character nobody knows about or hears from again. If you need assistance, I'm sure Lex will lend you his muzzle. Maybe even his übermuzzle.

Tom, meanwhile, goes for a second nonsense metaphor in a row. After his dance comment, he declares that he's stuck "in between a crack and a hard spot." Tom's sure gots smartz! , I don't want to give a second thought to anything in between Tom's crack. Enough said.

Off to tribal council, and it's about damn time. The group sits down and all seventeen eyes (eight pairs plus Tom's boil) turn to Kelly as she walks in as the first jury member. Damn, she cleans up well! Someone get this girl a soap commercial, the power of a shower has proven boundless. The wind-machine is working overtime to send Kelly's Barbie Doll hair gently floating in the air. Looking like that, she probably lost her virginity before her first tooth.

Probst asks Ethan to give one word to sum up the game. He chooses confidence as you need confidence in yourself, the friends you make, your decisions, and winning challenges. If I could choose a word, I'd pick painful, because Ethan is painful to watch, his friends are painful to watch, his decisions are painful to watch, and the fucking challenges he wins loses less are painful to watch. Screw you and your "dreamy" curly hair!

Brandon is asked about his morals and ethics in the game. "I couldn't do anything, like, amoral or disgusting or anything like that," he replies. Frank snickers so hard his closed mind rattles in his head.

Lex feels that trust plays a big role in his strategy. He gives major props to his gut for being "pretty damn accurate." This time Teresa knowingly snickers. So does Kelly. She daydreams about castrating all two inches of him. Tom's stomach rumbles in response to Lex's gut comment, wanting to make it clear who has the biggest gut of all.

Jeff drags Mama Kim out of seclusion to ask about what she uses as a factor in voting. Kim has decided she's playing in such a fashion that the people she respects will have a good shot at winning. And these mythical people you respect would be? Burnett didn't send any decent folk to Africa, so you better start thinking of a new criterion. Other Kim confesses her biggest obstacle in the game is her naivete. Jeff proceeds to tell her that there's "gullible" written in the stars, and the entire tribe, trusting, looks up. Kim gets back at him by telling Jeff he has a charming personality, which he takes to heart. Seems like naivete abounds.

Time to vote! Tom gets up hastily, giving us a sudden, unpleasant view of man-cleavage overflowing his overalls.

Lex votes for someone because he has been "nothing but rude, grouchy, and a poor sport." The producers then tell him he cannot vote for himself, so he switches his vote to Frank.

Little Kim votes for Brandon, saying it's "such a shame... it came down to this." She gives him the middle finger and says, "Now you've been screwed by a girl."

Jeff reads the votes. Six for Brandon, two for Frank. It's official, Brandon is now "out of Africa" himself. Brandon gets up to go, wishing them well for their last 12 days in the game. Tom says something incomprehensible to him as he goes, potentially un-PC.

An ad for special access to hours of unseen Survivor footage flashes on the screen. For just $19.95, you, yes YOU!, can watch those all important moments that just did not fit into the television show. Right… Tonight we saw a three-minute segment on flies, five minutes on Tom's boil, and twelve minutes about Frank and Brandon, the mismatched pair. If these made the show, just think of what's on the cutting room floor.

* Tom scratches his ass with a stick.
* Teresa eats a spoonful of rice.
* Kim J. breathes heavily as she sleeps.
* (and best of all) Watch Ethan watch an antelope in the distance!

On next week's show: Frank gets frank, spewing insensitive comments. And Kim takes her top off. (At this point, I don't even care which one.)

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