How to Build a Society That Hates...
Survivor Season 4: Marquesas - Episode 5

By TheBrilliantHen
3/31/2002

Last week on survivor: The knucklehead alliance was dealt a powerful blow when all but one of them were switched from the irritating lazy tribe, trading places with three members of the irritating lovey dovey tribe.

This week's survivor opens with the usual animal-based foreshadowing: a fish and a bug are followed by shots of Gabe (about to get fishy) and Tammy (about to get buggy). Rob explains that he's "definitely almost positive" that Sean is next to go, then himself, given that their notable contributions to the tribe are treating Tammy like a snack tray and drooling on themselves. Vee, on the other hand, is a good kisser. Hubba hubba!

The new Rotu just can't get enough of the hot topic, "Who is more Rotu-er than thou?" Gabe notes that the knuckleheads brought the game with them...they're actually worried about HOW LONG THEY'RE GOING TO BE THERE! It's cute -- kinda like an alternate universe where Pagong won all the challenges.

The Rotuest of the Rotu discuss how sad the life of the slightly less Rotuesque must have been...the lying, the cutthroat stuff. John asks Gabe if he'd lie to win the game. Gabe explains that he doesn't care about winning the game; he just wants to know if 8 people from all different walks of life can get together and build a society, and live together and be happy. Unfortunately, he couldn't convince 7 people from all walks of life to live with him, so he had to get help from CBS. John is incensed to realize that all that fun with the Rotus turned out to be the ultimate hippie 60s free-love-fest, but like, without the sex.

As John vows his revenge on Gabriel, we transition to the other tribe via a nice overhead shot of some goats. I think about the fact that the castaways are not allowed to kill the goats, and wonder how they keep them out of John's pig trap...then I remember. It doesn't work.

The other tribe, comprised of the four physically weakest remaining contestants, holds hands and prays. "Heavenly father, thank you so much for allowing us to lose the eye candy with no sense of direction, and please, let us catch crabs today, and please, let us stick it to the other tribe. PS, give Sean genital warts. Amen." Their prayers seem effective, as they catch a heaping mess of android dudes and eat them before the reward challenge.

At the challenge, Jeff asks the tribes how they are dealing with the switch, and Kathy, Neleh, Gina and Paschal relate how they all screwed Sarah and caught crabs together. Rob breaks down and sobs like a baby at the sight of his missing love. Jeff smacks him around and tells him to pull himself together, and explains the reward challenge. He also informs them that the challenge calls for not only teamwork, but also trust (translation: sit out Rob, Sean and Vee).

As he fakes a punch to each blindfolded contestant to make sure they can't see, he explains, "Three tikis in fourteen pieces must be recovered by three blindfolded tribe members, while another tribe member directs their actions. Along the way, you must trip over and run into as many things as possible, including each other. Survivors ready. Go!"

He kicks John in the stomach and they're off! Paschal bumps into a log! Tammy bumps into Gabe and the wall! Robert and Paschal run into each other carrying logs! Gabe tells his team to take their blindfolds off, but Jeff says they only have two logs! Robert picks up a giant log! Uh oh! You're only allowed to hit each other with the short logs, Robert! Neleh falls over some bamboo! Robert has two logs! He smacks Gina with one of them! Gabe announces they've found all the logs again! Neleh and Gina run into each other carrying logs! John smacks Paschal in the face with his elbow! This is better than a Krav Maga tournament!

Gabe tells his people to take their blindfolds off again, but Jeff backhands him and tells him they still need one more log. Gabe can't see it. John wants to kick Gabe's ass but can't see Gabe. John runs through Neleh and Gina! Paschal runs into a basket! John trips over some oars! He hops over flowers and rocks like a sighted man to bring the last log back!

Too late. The puny tribe has won. Jeff takes the puny tribe to the big tribe's camp and tells them they have a raid of two minutes to grab anything, especially anything large and brightly colored, nudge nudge, while really bad marimba music plays. They grab Zoe and Gabe, but Jeff chides them not to take any "personal items." They take everything the other tribe has to offer and burn the rest to the ground.

The big tribe bonds over their misery, pulling dirt clods out of their pockets for dinner. The puny tribe unloads their spoils while the jolly island people screech happily in the background. We get a shot of a UMAARAM flag, just to drive all the Neleh fans wild.

Hmmmm, more animal imagery...a crab, and a goat. Followed by John, and Gabe. Uh oh! This can't be a good sign. Rob can be "definitely almost positive" that Sean is next to go, because he didn't see what we saw on the preview - Gabe rapping. The man is toast. He loves the new members, he loves the tribe, he loves everything!

John suddenly hears a strange voice in his head....

"Gabe must be taken care of...."

"Wha? Who said that?"

"This is the ubergut, Lex, I always speak the truth...."

"But my name's not Lex!"

"John, John, I mean...you must take care of Gabe...form an alliance with the others...swear on relatives' lives and offer to splatter blood on them if they hesitate...."

IC turns out to be a signal challenge. The big tribe's hearts sink as they realize that they must now sit out and let the three former members of the puny tribe help Zoe try and build something noticeable out of banana leaves and the burnt down hut. Luckily, Sean's personal item, Fat Alert and the Cosby Kids bedding, escaped unharmed, and they go to work fastening it to some sticks. The big tribe prays. HA HA! The other team prayed first. You are so screwed. The puny tribe throws together a gorgeous signal out of everything that used to belong to the other tribe.

While they wait for the challenge to begin, John is nudged again.

"Le...uh John, JOHN!"

"Huh? What?"

"The others...form an alliance with the others..."

"I did! That blood splattering thing really impressed Tammy!"

"ALL the others, John...they will follow you...talk to Sean about the rest of them."

"Sean?! And the less Rotuesque? Seems kind of stupid..."

"Shut up and do as I say! Explain to Sean that I will not allow you to lie!"

Speaking as the person who summarized the episode with the signal challenge last season, I have to say that this season's signal judge was quite the hottie with that beard and sweet French accent. Zee red color and zee American flag, zey attract him. Rrrow, baby! Got time for an American Red Hen? EPM, if you're reading this, can you get me that guy's phone number? He obviously took the judging very seriously, which made me feel kind of sad for him, given that one tribe's signal was mainly Vee and Zoe flashing the boat while Sean and Rob napped with "help us" painted on their eyelids.

At tribal council, John gives a hilarious answer to the question of whether anyone has stepped up to be the leader...if anyone's stepped up to be the leader, it's him, except er, ah, um, he's not REALLY the leader the way most people think, just more that he's kind of a leader...type...uh...person. Yeah, that's it. Ironically, he follows that up with a statement that he's voting for Gabe because Gabe's "wishy washy."

Gabe misses everyone already...at least he lasted one more vote than Mike Boogie! Next week on Survivor: Rob asks, "Who wrote 'stupid' on my forehead while I was asleep?!" (Note to Rob: the fridge on your application video was half again as big as the freezer, buddy, why didn't you try that?)

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