It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Media whores everywhere,
What's that smell in the air?
Oh, it's just Syrus again!
It's the most wonderful time of the year!
Ho ho ho! It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year, tonight marked the premiere of the newest Boring Me Pointlessly production: Real World/Road Rules All Stars Extreme Challenge. Yeah, I know it's an oxymoron to use the word "stars" anywhere near a former Real World or Road Rules cast member but I'm not the one who named this drivel. Anyway, tonight's episode opens with yet another "Where are they now?" recap, as if we didn't already see last week's similar special all 367 times it aired. The team members for this year's media whore extravaganza:
REAL WORLD ALL STARS
Julie (New Orleans) -- Since we last saw Julie tongue-raping M@ in a parking garage at New Orleans International, she has moved to California where she's busy perfecting a standup comedy act with her roommate MElissa. They say that the greatest comedians use their own life as the primary source of material for their act, and our favorite Mormon is no exception to this rule. Here's a little sample from her latest routine, witnessed at Charlie's Chuckle Club in Pasadena on Tuesday Open Mic Night by a source who wishes to remain anonymous ("No way I'm admitting in public that I sat thru this whole load of shit," our source explained):
What a nice crowd! So, yes, I'm Julie, the Mormon from The Real World New Orleans. Any of you ever wonder why are there so many Smiths in the Salt Lake City phonebook? Because they all have phones!
So you might be a Mormon if...you have one kid in diapers and another one on a mission. You might be a Mormon if...you ran out of Old Testament names before you ran out of kids to name. You might be a Mormon if...Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh. You might be a Mormon if...your mom was pregnant at your sister's wedding reception. You might be a Mormon if...you have a favorite Osmond.
Take my dad's third and fourth wives, please!
Needless to say, her act still needs some fine-tuning, but we're very proud of Jon and Mary's newest media whore nonetheless.
Dan (Miami) -- The man who put the flaming in homosexual and the drama in queen is back for yet another round of media whoredom! Dan is currently living back at home with his parents after his modeling career failed miserably. He was last seen on TV with fellow RW Miami cast member Melissa on The People's Court in "The Case of the Slandered Slides."
Jamie (New Orleans) -- After failing to bust Julie's hymen during their stay in the New Orleans maaaannnn-sion, Jamie has moved to Nepal where he has devoted himself to Taoism. He's currently working on a book titled "The Tao of Jamie," aka "How to Take Ownership of Your Feelings and Talk Your Daddy Into Buying You a New BMW When Your Old One Is Only Two Years Old."
Kameelah (Boston) -- The Queen of the Boston Bitches, Kameelah is still looking for her perfect mate. She recently released a video: "The 19,278 Things A Man MUST Do Before I'll Consider Dating Them." The DVD version will come out in March to capitalize on the RW/RR Extreme Challenge mania that is sure to sweep the nation soon. It will contain 4,823 bonus prerequisites that Kameelah's dream partner must possess.
Rebecca (Seattle) -- Our sweet little innocent-of-all-these-things Rebecca has grown up since we last saw her, and it was an ugly process. She's discovered makeup but hasn't discovered the art of subtlety. Maybe she's hoping to be Pony Boy's personal painted glass menagerie someday?
Syrus (Boston) -- Syrus has made the best of his 15 minutes of Real World fame. In an effort to capture the African-American market, Rogaine© has hired him as a spokesperson for their new Afrogaine© line.
ROAD RULES ALL STARS
Ayanna (Semester at Sea) -- Sadly, our favorite psychotic bitch has had a rough time since RR Semester at Sea went off the air. Her mother has passed away and she's developed vitiligo.
Christian (North America) -- Looking painfully lost without Timmy in his Winnie, Christian (voted "Least Likely to Become a Media Whore" during his senior year of high school, incidentally) is now starring in his own show--"The Polar Bear Hunter"-- on Norway's version of The Discovery Channel.
Emily (North America) -- After returning back home to the Ingalls farm, Emily was struck suddenly blind. Ma and Pa and Laura were saddened at the news, but that mean Nellie Oleson gloated at the downfall of her sworn enemy.
James (Maximum Velocity Tour) -- James' first feature film--"Dude, Where's My Car?"--costarring fellow RR cast member Theo, has been a massive success since being released in early December. Shameless Plug: For a complete review of the film, click here.
Latterian (Maximum Velocity Tour) -- Like James and Theo, Latterian's life has changed dramatically since appearing on the critically-heralded RR Maximum Velocity Tour. Latterian's new boss, Jesse Evans of Evans Port-a-potty Rentals, had this to say of his new star employee, "I seen that boy screwing that blonde in the john on the television and I just knew that boy had a future in portable toiletry. He's done a right fine job so far, I'm thinking of giving him a quarter raise pretty soon." No word on how Latterian's alter ego T is doing since the show.
Michelle (Europe) -- This former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader attempted to sell her virginity on the internet a couple of years ago. Sadly for us, there was no one willing to meet the opening bid of $4.95 so she was forced to whore herself out to Blossoming Media Prostitutes again this summer.
Let the Shame Begin!
The twelve returning media whores meet for the first time (or, sadly for us, the second meeting for James and Latterian) at Cow Island, Maine. After a few hilarious moments of none of the media whores recognizing each other (Hey, even these imbeciles know better than to watch this crap) the action begins. And out steps the Mr. Big of this year's Challenge....Survivor Ramona. Sadly, Ramona is feeling very queasy from the 20-minute ferry ride to the island and she's forced to lay down for the next thirteen hours. While she's out, scraping-the-bottom-of-the-Barrel of Monkeys Productions is forced to bring out a tape recording of Theo announcing this year's big prizes.
Hi, my name is Theo Vonturnakowski. MONSTER DOT COM© is givin you the chanct to when one hunnert and fifty thowsand dollar and a hansome reward too from MONSTER DOT COM©. James, this is Theo Vonturnakowski. You dun lef yur socks unner my bed last week. I will dun maled them to you but the price of stamps dun gone up and I do'nt not haf no more one cents stamps. Maybe I could buy some from MONSTER DOT COM©. This is Theo Vonturnakowski. Good luck from Theo Vonturnakowski and MONSTER DOT COM©.
Luckily Ramona has a miraculous recovery when her agent calls on her cell phone and tells her that, yes, the paycheck from Mary and Jon has cleared but, no, Mark Burnet still hasn't returned her calls from last June.
THE JOKE'S TOO EASY QUOTE #1 OF THE SEASON: "Unfortunately Real World teams have a bit of a legacy for being a bunch of losers." -- Dan
The first challenge begins and you'll never guess what it is...
Aw, fuck, it's bungee jumping. The same fucking challenge they do to open every Challenge. I guess RW Boston Jason wasn't the fount of originality that Jon and Mary were hoping for when they hired him for the creative development staff.
Oh wait, nevermind. My sincere apologies to Jon and Mary and Jason, you have been creative this time, because they're bungee jumping from a crane into the middle of John F. Kennedy's Eternal Flame and they have to hold balls in their mouth while doing it. That's completely different from ordinary bungee jumping off a bridge or ski lift or building in Vegas.
Ramona obviously isn't too impressed with her new hosting gig because she explains the rules of the bungee jumping competition about as clearly as Harry Carey used to read the Cubs starting lineup after his 16th Budweiser of the day. Julie starts deflating the rubber balls with her prehensile-like teeth. (Julie is the Mole? I can imagine the ad campaign now: "The Mole will fall in love with albino boys with pasty thin lips. The Mole will not break the Sabbath unless there's a really good rave the night before. The Mole will not show you her undergarment.") Real World easily wins the first $20,000 (the cost of one Dicque liposuction, by the way) 40 balls to 32 balls.
Be right back, I'm going to go change the oil in my car during the standard twenty-minute MTV commercial break. Maybe I've got time to rotate the tires too. Nah, better not chance it, Weezie's one mean bitch when these summaries don't get turned in on time.
Survivor Day Two
Back to the show. Molly Mormon is stressing out because she doesn't know yet if they're going to let her back into Brigham Young University. Yawn. Old story, maybe if BMP didn't take six fucking months to edit this tripe, this might actually be an interesting storyline. Move along, nothing to see here. If you don't know if Julie was allowed back at Brigham Young then you don't watch enough reality television. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, I guess.
Ramona comes out of her coma long enough to tell the two teams that they're doing a ropes-type challenge today. They have to each carry water balloons across a tightrope strung between two trees while the other team shoots Nerf© balls at them. Team with the most water balloons across the tightrope at the end wins. Has anyone ever fell asleep while watching this? (echo) ...anyone ever fell asleep while watching this? ...while watching this? Dan does his best impression of a drunk Red Skelton on Ice as he makes his way across the tightrope but manages to make it across in one piece somehow. Fuck.
Unable to figure out a way to borrow yet another page from Survivor and incorporate the Tribal Council into the show, Borrowing Means Plagiarism leaves us with a cliffhanger ending: Syrus gets hit square in the chest with a Road Rules water balloon and starts to topple off the wire. Yeah, might actually be an exciting ending if all us viewers couldn't see that fucking two-inch thick rope safety device that's going to keep him from falling to his death. Which brings up an interesting philosophical argument, if ten media whores fell from a tree in the forest, would anyone care?
To be continued next week...
BREAKING NEWS -- POSSIBLE SPOILER!!! -- THE AYANNA X THEORY
Ok, while I was proofreading this, I decided to go do a little digging at www.bunim-murray.com and I came up with this photo:
Hmm, could Ayanna's appearance on Extreme Challenge be short-lived, you think? Oh wait, Believability Matters little Productions already released this info six months ago too. The one interesting thing that might happen all season and it's already been spoiled by Boring Mind Probes themselves. Later. Don't forget to check out MONSTER DOT COM©. Tell 'em Theo Vonturnakowski sent ya.
Archive > Television > RW/RR Challenge > Season 04 - Extreme Challenge