Candyland, or I’ve Got a Golden Ticket…
Big Brother Season 1 - Day 67

By DolceVita
9/9/2000

So, I come home to something actually exciting on my VCR tape – the end of the US Open. Horribly enough, even the trophy presentation ceremony (“on behalf of, and brought to you by...” , thoughtfully given by some 65-year-old WASPy woman in serious need of fashion sense and moisturizer) was more eventful and had more suspense than the BB hour that followed. Hey, “She-Devil” is on Comedy Central, maybe that would be more interesting...  Roseanne... Ed Begley, Jr... a cast of immortals... but no, I make my sacrifice, I hit the “Play” button….and the water torture begins.

Oompah loompah doompahdee do
I’ve got the perfect puzzle for you
Oompah loompah doompahdee dee
Why keep this on when the Nielsen is 3?

What do you get when you fill up a place
With fat people, bores, and a vanity case?
Hating Miss Chen is a lie and shame
You know exactly who’s to blame –

The Casting and the Management

Oompah loompah doompah dee do
20 days ‘til this torture is through
Oompah loompah doompah dee dee
CBS – pin your hopes on “Survivor 3”!

(c) DVD Productions

First off, a big announcement is made to us home viewers that we will now be seeing highlights of last week…and it takes….18 seconds.

Did you catch the commercial for BB sponsor Prilosec? “That pain. It keeps coming back. Two or more times per week.” You ain’t just whistlin' Dixie there, sponsors.

Someone from The Outside is launching what appear to be jawbreakers over into the Big Brother compound. Since there are lots of psychos out there, and we have no idea who is doing this, it seems only logical that George picks one up off the ground and puts it in his mouth. No no, George! If you do that, you won’t win the chocolate factory! Slugworth is the bad guy, no no no!

Next thing you know, the housemates are in the living room, debating whether, if the top 3 prizes are combined and then split 6 ways, they would take the split and be done with it. Millions of viewers, and the CBS honchos, are all screaming YES YES YES, take the money, we can put on some repeats of JAG or “Touched by a Angel” or maybe we can get Ramona to host a talk show….or maybe we can finally do that Benjamin Moore vs. Dutch Boy which-dries-the-fastest special….

But no. Sticking with the confectionery theme, Eddie says he wouldn’t “take the candy ass way”, that the promise of the money is “a reason to get up, a reason to do it” (pardon me, I have to go get some Pepto-Bismol, just a second, OK, that’s better)…..then he continues “money is not an issue, it’s a principle, like the people who are already out of the house, and more or less kind of like in their honor, it kinda screws them.” (I feel my dinner rise in the opposite direction of normal digestion…) Oh yeah, that’s why you don’t want to split, I am sure it has NOTHING to do with greed, or that you think you can win the whole thing and screw the others, yeah yeah….Did that Prilosec come with or without a prescription?

Cassandra, in her curlers over the sink in the kitchen, looks like she’s about to break into a rendition of “Cheer up, Charlie” as Josh comes in. Poor little Josh, he never gets as much as the other kids. Cassandra asks in a kind, maternal voice what was the most young Joshie has ever drunk. Poor little nipper. Josh confesses to a Ruthie-like litany of a single memorable night…and c’mon, how many of us were like *cough * “Bullshit!” *cough * as he listed what would have brought death to ordinary mortals:

6 shots of 161
6 shots of tequila
3 margaritas
2 beers
1 partridge in pear tree

Which, he claims, he threw up. Damn it, now he will NEVER win the factory, because the Oompah Loompas will have to clean the Fizzy Lifting Drinks chamber now that Josh has gotten it all dirty…

George, looking eerily like an Oompah Loompa himself with his green hair and round belly, follows up with a soliloquy on drinking that could have just as easily been orated in “Days of Wine and Roses”:

“I love to drink, but I like to drink and enjoy it. I’m not looking to drink to get wasted. It’s a relaxing time for me”. Because, of course, sitting around doing nothing for 60 straight days isn’t sufficiently relaxing for him, I suppose. Then we are informed that as of that very moment, Eddie has just polished off 12 beers. Burp. Would it be in poor taste to make a joke about someone having a hollow leg?

Day 64 rolls around. Frighteningly, we only see one scene, which I suppose was the MOST exciting thing to happen during that ENTIRE DAY. We are told by the male voiceover that they are enumerating the Top 10 reasons why they, the housemembers, shouldn’t be released back into the public. I have my own Top 10 list, involving social Darwinism, sparing the innocent, and divine retribution, but they come up with these. If anyone actually thought these funny, then I suggest they try out for a writer’s credit on “Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place” or that perennial laff-riot “Dharma and Greg”:

#10: Eddie had chili
#9 Dog had puppies
#8 We can’t sing
#7 Monica (uh – what?)
#6 Cassandra’s fans
#5 Josh’s 12 year olds
#4 Don’t want to hear some rap single
#3 Not buying George’s book
#2 Don’t want to see 50 of Brittany’s movies
#1 (drum roll) Letterman doesn’t want to have us on his show (please. Remember that $50,000 in a briefcase? Not even Big Brother wants you on his show!)

The next day, they are out in their ridiculous combat fatigues as a plane trailing a banner goes by, accusing George of being a backstabber. Since George is not allowed near sharp objects, this seems bizarre. George claims that this “yanks my crank” (please, please don’t tell us anymore about what you are yanking, TMI TMI TMI). This avenue is soon dropped in favor of:

Chiquita and the Dog Agility Challenge! Their challenge is to have this dog, which is adorable but which shows itself to be even dimmer than Josh, go through 6 separate “tests”. Personally, I’d have preferred to see the housemates do something like this (c’mon Jamie! Through the tunnel!), but suffer the little creatures…

Immediately, everyone in the Red Room starts making excuses for why their training is fine but the dog has the problem. George claims Chiquita is “not a morning dog”. Dog is probably IN mourning, for intelligent masters. Eddie also makes some lame excuses up. You know what they say about those who can’t do….

Another round in the living room. I was all excited, because the voiceover pre-commercial said “up next – an ALL NEW ‘Big Brother’”. But what’s this? They are AGAIN discussing the $50,000 they were offered earlier? Good grief, is there really so little to talk about that they are now showing discussions about things that happened days ago? It’s not worth rehashing here, except for a classic Jamie line “we have such completely opposite views, Eddie – when am I ever going to meet someone who thinks differently from me?” Try – on any street, in any town, in any state. In any country.

Suddenly, we are jump-cut to a scene where Josh is selected to have a conversation with Brittany. Why is it, the entire show progresses at the speed of, say, continental drift, then all of a sudden there is no discussion, no lead-up, just BAM! Josh gets up to take a call from Brittany? So off our young Charlie trots to the Red Room, where we get some breathless, rushed speech from Brittany, like she only has 30 seconds before Regis cuts her off. Something about how George’s wife has organized a campaign to vote off anyone remotely likable, so that George can win. That Josh should only trust Curtis and Eddie (Eddie?). Sister, you dyed your hair green. Your eyes produced more water than Evian. As Tai said to Cher in “Clueless”: “I don’t know why I’m listening to you – YOU’RE still a VIRGIN.”

Josh leaves the Red Room with this weighty information and promptly dissolves, the weight of it burdening his narrow shoulders. He says something about wanting to “keep it real”, that he doesn’t want “to think about this stuff” (or any stuff, I would argue). As all of them ask what she said, he hems and haws and then comes up with “uh, she said Karen said hello”.

Jamie can’t leave well enough alone, and hounds him “did she mention me at all” (does this woman with her whole world-revolves-around-me mentality remind you of Veruca Salt, or is that just me?). Josh is basically traumatized, ‘I have information no one else has” – such a big burden for such a little, little boy. Cheer up, Charlie!

He goes back to the Red Room, saying “the weight of the world is on my shoulders”. Wow, I thought those generals with the ICBM keys had that weight, but I can see your point.

Cassandra, in the next scene, attempts to sleep. To no avail, since Veruca is talking. “What would your mother say to do about the money”, she asks Cassandra. She then blathers on and on in Nightvision Green. Finally – yes, it’s the Theme O’ The Day! – Cassandra says she wants to be remembered as one who “wasn’t wavered by a few pieces of candy”. You tell ‘em, Mrs. Buckett!

In a desperate attempt to cause conflict among the soporific housemates, next day the Mysterious Voice says “Josh knows why the anti-George banners are flying”. And the result is – nothing. Fists do not fly, accusations are not made. What a surprise. The biggest shocker to me is that CBS is still trying. Most people, after this much repeated failure, would have given up and moved on. Pavlov’s dogs learned faster. Anyhow, George puts up a brave front, and says that the “airplane man makes the chicken man stronger” and tells how all this is just making him MORE determined. George C. Scott in front of the American flag determined. He makes his speech, then turns around – and shows us his Size 78 boxer shorts hanging out over his jeans. Augustus Gloop, or Oompah Loompa? You make the call.

Day 65 rolls around. The boys are talking about farts. Good God, when you’re showing guys sitting around talking about farts in prime time, shouldn’t this tell you something about the entertainment value of your show? Where’s Ruud when you need him? Anyhow, they talk about someone who can, like a ventriloquist, “throw” their farts. Ahhhh. What a skill set. Eddie tells a touching story of how one day, Brittany came into his room “and I started wafting them”. So that explains the green hair. Curtis says the single most intelligent line of the night (which is not saying much) – that though all the men wait until the women leave the room to pass gas, that there are still millions of TV viewers out there watching. Ok, so thousands of TV viewers. OK, so maybe, well, hundreds. All right, so it’s just their immediate families and a retirement home in Kentucky. Eddie responds brilliantly “If I’m gonna cut bombs, on the Internet, worldwide, I’m gonna rip bombs”. Lovely. Betcha HIS mom’s proud.

Eddie, in the next scene, is asked whether he trusts Josh. He answers that he doesn’t know about trusting the judgment of someone who thought he “could play two women in the same house”. Cassandra says – in front of a well-positioned box of Rice Krispies, that “we are going to find out”. Eddie says thoughtfully “He seems legit to me”. He seems legit? Like, he’s legit honest? Kira!!!!!!

The day finally dawns bright and clear for the Dog Agility Challenge. Miraculously, the dog (after being fed 75 doggie treats at each station), jumps out of a box, trots over a bridge, goes through a tunnel, does a double jump, swishes through some pylons, and then goes down a slide! CBS’ cameras did not show the dog then vomiting 75 doggie treats, afraid that the PETA brigade would be tossing red paint over the walls. The dog has now accomplished more in one 20 minute period more than the entire crew has done in 65 days. I’m surprised he hasn’t been nominated, since he is the biggest threat to them all.

Then comes the moment to end all moments! Willie Wonka has hidden a Golden Ticket in one of five candy bars! Oh, no, well, not exactly, but according to CBS it’s even MORE exciting – one of the house mates will get to go to the Emmy’s!! Suspicious, they think it’ll just be someone who gets kicked off, never to return. Jamie, clearly overestimating the show’s popularity, sniffs “well, if we were PRESENTING, it’d be different”. I don’t often laugh out loud at what’s said on network TV nowadays, but I just about bust my spleen on that one. Veruca, sweet ‘ums, GET OFF THE SCALES!

George then gets the Charmin Ultra Award for biggest hunk of BS said in an episode. To wit: “I don’t care about the money. I wanted to make it to the halfway point. I didn’t think I’d make it this far. So I won no matter which way I look at it. I look at it as: if I go, someone else gets to stay, and if one of you guys gets to stay, I’ll do it”. Oop, I feel dinner coming back up, no no, hard swallow... OK. Damn that was bitter. Note to self: must get Prilosec...

Finally, they are assured that the person going to the Emmy’s gets to return to the house, and they are turned loose to find the ticket. Now, using the most rudimentary logic, if a member of the crew was going to hide a ticket, where would it be? Probably in the room MOST EASILY ACCESSIBLE to the crew. That was my thinking. But no, the rocket scientists of the house turn over beds, undo the couch, look behind pictures in the living room, pull out all the pots and pans and look inside. Finally, Curtis, with that additional 7 brain cell advantage, looks in the Red Room. Of course, in that room, the one where the stupid crew has the easiest access, is the Golden Ticket to the Emmy’s! Gosh Mr. Wonka, I mean, Mr. Moonves – neato! Can Grandpa Joe come?

Curtis then goes over, with much hilarity to us cynics, how perhaps as a Big Brother housemember he will be mobbed by fans, recognized by the multitudes. Dude – I don’t think that will be a problem. I guess those headlines that all go something like “Big Brother A Big Disappointment to CBS” haven’t hit the house yet, huh? Curtis is all concerned about being “on the red carpet, and ET has a mike in my face”. Sorry, my man, that would only be if they were mistaking you for Bruce Lee.

As a further show of how desperately they need footage, they show three full minutes of Eddie chewing pizza with his mouth open into the camera. He opens his mouth wide for us to see it. That must go over big with the chicks on the Island, huh? What a playah.

Cassandra, Eddie, and Curtis are Nominated For Banishment (the way the voiceover says it in echo-chamber High Drama Mode, it sounds like they are Marked For Death in that whole Beyond Thunderdome sort of way). So for now, Jamie, George, and Josh are “safe”.

Finally, the housemates try again to get info out of Josh. Little Charlie isn’t giving up the secret. You remember what happened next huh? When Willie Wonka found that Charlie didn’t give up the secret of the Everlasting Gobstopper (hmm, guess that means Brittany is the Everlasting SobBopper)? Yup, he won it all!

Please, oh please, do not let this be foreshadowing.

Archive > Television > Big Brother > Season 1

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