Beware the Teeth of a Frightened Julie Chen
Big Brother Season 2 - Episode 27

By Spornan
9/6/2001

Ahh, Julie Chen. How do I love thee?

Is it your stick-like body?

Your leather blouse?

Your protruding nipples?

Your vacant gaze?

Your spastic head jerks as you emphasize every other word?

No Miss Chen. It's something of an amalgam of all those things, combined with one special little nugget of joy: Your need to read everything phonetically. It just brings me so much happiness.

You really do have to hand it to the folks over at Jim Henson's Creature Shop. This Julie Chen is just about the most life-like puppet I've ever seen -- Except of course for that Bear in Muppets from Space. You guys ever see that guy! He's so funny, and his eyebrows move and his mouth and everything!

Anyway, back to Julie.

Julie, or should I say Frank Oz, is quick to throw us into the stormy waters of today's episode. She brings us up to speed quickly, telling us about the two nominees

Hardy: A Bouncer from Y-Oark Penn-Sill-Vain-Ya

And

Nicole: A chef from At Lanta.

Poor Julie. Poor, poor Julie.

But there's no time to wallow in the depressing non-entity that is Julie Chen. Otherwise, I'm sure this review would be nothing but me doling on her every quirk, and pondering what her existence could mean for our species.

So, to sum up: Nominees are Hardy and Nicole. HOH is Monica. Will is the only one who votes.

Let's get it on.

In the house, Nicole decides her best chance of staying is to play Hardy like an incestuous Texan with mother issues, turning on her waterworks any chance she gets.

I've figured out the whole Eyebrow tattoo thing people: It's actually a secret bionic implant that allows Nicole to go into full weep-mode on command. Unfortunately, it also deadens any and all empathy that exists within her soul, but hey, what's a Big Brother player need with a soul anyway?

Will, master of deduction that he is, notices that Nicole is still playing Hardy. At the same time, Monica notices that Nicole and Hardy are a buncha lying morons. I tell you, these people need to get out of this house, get themselves a van, and start solving crimes man! Why are they wasting their time in this house when they could be out finding Chandra Levy or figuring out who really killed Kennedy?

CBS, you are depriving our nation of a valuable resource, and you should be ashamed of yourselves. I mean...doubly so, cause I'm sure you're already red-faced about having a second Big Brother show in the first place.

Now we're treated to the "Monica is an evil genius" montage, clips of how Monica's strategy has kept her in the game. I wasn't aware that being useless for ten weeks was a strategy, but hey: To each his own.

The inner workings of Monica: She likes Music. She can't pronounce "th". That's about it.

Julie returns to blind us with the glare off her leather encased nipples, and to help segue into a clip of Will in the Diary Room discussing his "dilemma" of who he's gonna vote for. Will it be Hardy, or will he vote for...Hardy?

Drama doesn't really work when you already know the answer.

Time for everyone's favorite part: When Julie talks to the hamsters about stuff we already know!

Julie informs us that it's time to talk to the houseguests, and she can be heard to murmur "eyes forward, right turn, keep it steady girl..."

Poor Julie. Poor, poor Julie.

The teleprompter asks of the houseguests:

"Hey, so I see you guys had some guests this week who taught you about SURVIVING a game that is not unlike SURVIVOR in that you have to SURVIVE to the end so that the sole SURVIVOR gets money for SURVIVING! Did you all see that special, special episode? Don't worry, CBS will be rerunning it every sweeps period for the rest of eternity!"

What follows is the inane chatter of an animatronic puppet making conversation with the soulless detectives of the Big Brother house. I'll save you the specifics. You can be sure that Nicole activated her ocular implant, and the tears started flowing, and that Hardy thanked every single person on the eastern seaboard for so long that Julie had to break character and tell him to shut the fuck up. He closed by giving a shoot-out to his homey, the Almighty Jesus, and took his Grammy and got off stage. There was a quick scuffle with a bitter Old Dirty Bastard, but that was quickly broken up, and Julie's puppet wrangler gained control of things.

Montage time: Nicole and Hardy, the siblings who give each other foot jobs and deep tissue massages. How could these two best friends ever have anything come between them? SHHH!!! Don't mention coming between them when Jeff is within earshot! There's been enough of that in the Hot-tub thank you very much.

To sum up: Hardy. Nicole. The greatest relationship that ever existed. The weepy jock and the weepy psychotic retard.

Julie returns to talk to Monica who has little to say beyond she nominated Nicole and Hardy to "break up da power" and that she wants to be standing next to Will in the final two.

Way to go Julie, you're almost at Local Morning Show interviewing level!

Will is called into the Diary Room where he is given the choice of making his vote in the Diary Room, or telling it to everyone face to face. He decides to go out and tell everyone, and off he goes.

Will stands before his fellow housemates and begins his speech about who he decided to vote out.

But wait! That's not what Julie wanted!

Julie's eyes flash with fear as she realizes she is quickly losing control of the show. Her breathing becomes ragged as she shouts into her microphone

"WILL! WILL NO! WILL PLEASE STOP! OH GOD NO!! WILL! YOU HAVE TO SHUTUP! OH MY GOD! WILL! HOLD ON PLEASE! OH LORD OF LORDS PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP! OH NO! WILL! WILL! OH SOMEBODY HELP ME! I'M LOSING CONTROL! WILL!!! WILL, DAMN YOU! WILL!!"

I'm afraid I couldn't make out the rest of what she said, as she dissolved into gasping sobs, collapsing into a heap on the floor.

Poor Julie. Poor, poor Julie.

Will eventually catches on that he's supposed to stop, and Julie takes a few minutes to calm herself down, pop a Xanax or two, and get things settled. Once she's blinked away the tears enough so she can make out the teleprompter.

"Well, as you can tell, Will has decided to cast his vote directly to you all. Ok Will, NOW you can go."

Oh thank God for Julie Chen. You could just see the fear and confusion in the eyes of Nicole and Hardy as Will started his unsanctioned speech. What would this mean for them? How would they be able to understand the strange words coming out of his mouth? Why was he even talking? This wasn't in the script! Arnold! Someone! Julie! Help!

You are truly a saint, Julie Chen. Bless you.

Will repeats his entire speech, ending it with the old point-at-Nicole-evict-Hardy trick. Julie "makes it official" by reading the hastily typed "Hardy, you are now evicted from the house" off the prompter.

Goodbye Hardy. Please never show your face on television ever again.

After giving Hardy the boot and watching Nicole light up a cigarette the size of her arm, Julie begins her "interview" of Hardy.

Basically, Hardy loves Nicole. He knows it's a game. He is sad about his decisions. It's even more boring to watch it than to read it, so consider yourself lucky.

Then he gets to watch the videos of Nicole, Monica, and Will that they recorded in case he left. Nicole, as she did for EVERY SINGLE EVICTEE EVER, turns on the waterworks again. I sure hope some of the other soulless cretins who will be casting the final vote have taken a notice to how easily she can turn that on.

Now it's time for the Head of Household competition. But it's only part 1 of a 3 part challenge, which will take the entire week to complete. First part is a test of how well they know what the other houseguests thought of them.

First question:

Who did Autumn think was Dopey?

Answer: Nicole

Second question:

Who did Mike think was Grumpy?

Answer: Nicole

Third Question:

Who did Kent think was Sleepy?

Well I hear that depression makes you sleepy, so again the Answer: Nicole

Fourth Question:

Who did Shannon think was Sneezy?

Answer: Nicole...oh wait, I thought she said sleazy.

Fifth Question:

Who did Sheryl think was Happy?

Answer: Anti-Nicole

Sixth Question:

Who did Krista think was Bashful?

Answer: Nicole. Everyone wanted to Bash her.

Seventh Question:

Who did Bunky think was Doc?

Answer: Will, of course.

Well the results are in, and Will is in the lead with five to Nicole's four, and Monica's three.

Find out the rest of the results next Tuesday.

And as the show ends, we are treated to Nicole wondering what the hell was up with all the answers, and the lights turning on inside the trio's minds as they realize all the houseguests that have been evicted have probably watched the show.

Oops.

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