Bring In `Da Noise, Bring In `Da Fat
Road Rules Season 11: Campus Crawl - Episode 5

By Kvm711
7/9/2002

Woe is Shane. It seems everyone has paired up but him. Kendal has Eric, Darrell has Rachel, and Sarah has her potato chips. He doesn't like the others having "deep, meaningful relationships" without him. He longs to have an intimate connection as well. Maybe Shane will find someone now that he's this month's Out coverboy, located on newsstand shelves everywhere next to copies of In featuring RW Seattle Stephen.

Tired of living vicariously through the others' cuddling, Shane interrupts Darrachell's love-fest and asks to join in on their exercising. After he discovers that they're doing different routines, Shane decides to follow along with Darrell because he has a nicer stomach than Rachel does. He points towards Rachel's navel that rests a top the slightest of bulges to indicate she's fat. Right… Meet Shane, the first sufferer of a reverse body image problem. No matter how skinny someone else gets, she still looks fat in his eyes.

Needless to say, Rachel gets pissed. She tells him that she didn't appreciate his comment and admits to being sensitive about her body. Shane really should have already picked up on this insecurity from that time she flashed everyone in the bathroom. While she's at it, she chastises Shane for the time he pinched Kendal's fat. (Sounds like BMP is recycling plot lines again -- I'm sure the pinch was affectionate.) She further warns Shane about making comments about her, Kendal, and Sarah's body because even though she and Kendal are "confident and pretty" it still hurts them. Notice how Rachel neglects to include Sarah in the confident and pretty category. What a fat bitch!

All the while, Darrell watches Shane insulting his cuddle-pal and does nothing about it. Where's his fighting instinct to stir up some drama? Yawn. I guess it is too much to ask for Darrell to actually do something. He comes across as thoroughly non-compelling on camera. The mere sight of him causes my eyelids to grow heavier than his heavyweight competitors in the boxing ring. If only he could be bottled, hospitals would buy him in bulk as anesthesia.

For dinner, the gang orders pizza. The scant scent of pepperoni sends Sarah into a frenzy, causing her to yelp "Pizza pizza pizza!!" Perhaps if she had similar enthusiasm for the missions, she wouldn't have become the Citadel's saddest tale since Shannon Faulkner.

The next day, the kids journey the highways en route to Atlanta. It's amazing with all the miles they've racked up over the seasons, the police have yet to pull over a Road Rules crew for suspicion of grand theft auto. Come on, driving by the Winnie, the situation must appear mighty shady. When's the last time you've seen someone below retirement age operating a RV?

Arriving at Clark Atlanta University, the Crawlers are greeted by members of the college's Greek system. Being an all African-American institution, this happens to be the first location that they've stopped at where it wasn't necessary to scrounge up the two attending minority students to serve as the "diversity-representing" Mission Mayors. They reveal that the group will be participating in a stepping contest. Sarah confesses that she had not previously heard of stepping before. Sure you have, Sarah, you know, it's when you pick one foot up after another and… oh never mind, just stick to lounging on the couch.

Dancing! Finally a mission at which the losers could possibly succeed. Kendal's been an expert at dancing around the subject of "liking" Eric. And speaking of the dweeb, Eric surely has spent many a weekend playing Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade. Not to mention that since Sarah's proven herself an expert at falling, she could probably come through to make a large thud noise for their performance's grand finale.

Sure things look optimistic for the chronic failures, but they will have some stiff competition. Out walk a motley crew selected from MTV.com, prepared to contend. They're just like a regular Road Rules cast, but without the pecs, repulsive personalities, and stereotypical qualities that are necessary to make the real show… mere commoners in a world of MTV royalty.

The most obnoxious of the Dot Commoners, Sam, steps forward and extends his hand to the Road Rulers, quickly pulling it away before anyone can shake it. Sarah makes a big deal about this peculiar action, assuming he invented it, evidently having never seen Dismissed, where it occurs every episode. She's so naïve that next thing you know he'll have her pulling his finger.

The teams divvy up and proceed to rehearse separately. Sarah is psyched because she feels that performance missions such as this are her forte. Didn't she adamantly state "I don't dance" a couple of  weeks ago? Regardless, she swears she's prepared to prove her worth to the team, which I guess is believable because an individual as histrionic as she is bound to thrive on stage.

The Dot Commoners are composed of Sam, Nichole, Patricia, Mike, Ashley, and Scott. There's no need to learn the last four names, as they are forgettable due to lack of screen time. One of them might even be a deaf mute, though I'm not sure. Sam designates himself the team leader because he is the loudest. Thank goodness Americans generally resort to democracy instead of a volume criteria, or we could have Aneesa as our president. Meanwhile, Nichole, a short, stout, sparkling blue-eyed sprite, dances in the background. There's something peculiar about her, but her truly strange moments are yet to come.

In another room, the Crawlers are having trouble memorizing the steps. As usual, Eric believes that no task is complete until he's taken his shirt off. First Eric Nies, and now this new Eric. You'd think it was a requirement for reality TV Erics to have cotton allergies that oblige them to always sport a bare torso. Let's just hope that Eric Clapton never goes on one of these shows. ((shudder)) In his near nakedness, Eric gets really into one movement that is reminiscent of a sex act. He swooshes his hand in a spanking motion while making loud grunts, disrupting the concentration of the others. Although he's urged to stop, Eric continues doing this activity for a full minute, believing that crude antics like his only get funnier as time goes on. I personally didn't find it funny at first, but by the twenty-seventh time he did it, I could barely contain my laughter. As he continues his orgasmic dance, I realize that there is no hope for him to be mature, but can't he at least act half his age? Shane, still longing for some action of his own, stares at the frantic Eric and quips, "I'll have what he's having."

Throughout the practice session, clips of spectators' facial expressions are used to illustrate the Crawlers' talent progression. Shots of people laughing and shaking their heads in disgust gradually evolve into applause and smiles of approval. Although the latter really only occurred after Eric put his shirt back on, the footage manipulation is essential to feign that some kind of improvement in their dancing took place. Practice will never make perfect for these incompetent twits.

Rehearsal is complete and the group boards the RV, the ugliest Winnie since that lanky girl on The Wonder Years, to drive to a gas station. While inside the vehicle, Darrachell are grooming each other like monkeys picking bugs off their friends, Shane stands outside filling the tank. Although a sign clearly states "No Smoking," Shane carelessly inhales a cigarette inches away from a tank brimming with fuel. Of course, nothing actually becomes of it, but is it really too much to ask for a sudden spark? Just one measly free-falling ash? An explosion would put everyone out of their misery: the pathetic Crawlers, their embarrassed families, and us bored-to-death viewers.

Unaware they are currently in a potentially lethal situation, the others bitch about Shane's attitude. Having exhausted their creativity to develop Sarah put-downs, EriKendal and Darrachell relish the opportunity to have a new target. "Shane on him for bringing down the team!" "It's a Shane he's so jealous of the love the rest of us have found."

Worn out from practice, the Crawlers finally arrive at a hotel. Kendal complains that she aches in her heels and calves, or as she affectionately calls them, "baby cows." A drooling Eric takes one look at them and thinks "veal!" He and Shane head over to the hotel's fitness room to spy on the Dot Commoners and take notes on their routine. As the competitors playfully argue with one another, it's funny to note a woman who unknowingly walks in on the situation. In the background you can see her asking Sam to move so she can use the treadmill. She proceeds to act thoroughly confused while jogging as she sees a bunch of white kids pretending they have rhythm culminating in Sam pulling down his pants. She probably would have never wasted her time trying to work off the calories from dessert if she knew an ass cheek sighting would cause her to just vomit it all up.

As the Crawl pair leave to report back to their team, Eric somehow accidentally walks right in front of the camera in such a way that a prolonged shot of his American Eagle shirt fills up the screen. Oops! I wonder how that happened.

After a long day of hard work, or in most of their cases, hardly working, the Crawlers pair up and climb into bed. Though there is clearly no real nookie going on, clips of the sheets ruffling are thrown in to make it seem like some hot heavy action is taking place. Darrachell are suddenly woken up from their cuddling because of a noise downstairs. Rachel goes exploring to see what's causing the racket and finds Shane practicing the steps for tomorrow. She believes that this suddenly redeems Shane for his poor attitude from earlier in the day because now he has shown he genuinely is dedicated. I have no doubt that Shane was intentionally banging the ceiling and making as much noise as possible to "accidentally" alert the others and make sure they saw him practicing. As Rachel goes back upstairs, Shane smiles and mutters under his breath, "That fatty sure is a sucker."

The next day the competition ensues with surprise guests Outkast in hand. Sigh. Boy, have things changed. Remember the time when Outkast was regarded as an edgy, respectable duo? Then last year they mysteriously popped up everywhere on Real World 10. Mike knew of Rosa Parks solely because of an Outkast song, Nichole and Coral cried over not getting free Outkast concert tickets, and the group designed a window display as a tribute to Outkast. That more than covers one band's allotment of being whored out. So why now a pathetic performance on Road Rules? What next, becoming honorary pledges on Sorority Life? Sarah raves about how much she loves Outkast and claims that she's star struck. It's understandable seeing as she can relate, being quite the outcast herself.

The Dot Commoners break it down first. Sam warms up the crowd and they sloppily perform their step routine. Nichole, who has been otherwise quiet the entire episode, suddenly bursts out of nowhere to scream "Let me see you pump it up!" while shaking her huge white girl ass like a plate of Jell-o. The audience roars and gives the Dot Commoners enough encouragement to finish with a bang. Their last few moves are somewhat impressive. Notice I said "somewhat," so let's not go overboard. These kids are far from being cast in Stomp.

The Crawlers feel that it's a tough act to follow. They step around and chant some silly nursery rhyme type thing. They're doing all right until Eric decides to unleash his secret weapon. Yup, you guessed it, off comes his shirt yet again! Blech! Eric's self-attributed "Ivy League flavah" sure generates a bad taste in my mouth. The ladies in the audience scream, most likely in horror, as he tosses his shirt to the spectators. Shane follows suit in the hopes that his abs will make that fatty Rachel cry in a jealous rage. Even Darrell joins in on the "fun," strutting about like a regular Chip 'n Darrell.

With less clothing comes less talent. Eric does his usual elbow-flailing, take-no-prisoners grinding we've seen him scare the ladies with at the club. Kendal performs numerous splits, her legs flexible after plenty of previous practice involving spreading them open. Darrachell try some moves they picked up from their Darren's Dance Grooves home video. Horny Shane gyrates against the stage, most likely boring a hole through the wood with his fevered thrusts. Sarah lies down to take a nap. Forget the lambada, whatever crap they're doing right now should earn the distinction of the "Forbidden Dance."

The points are tallied. Dot Commoners: 267 ..... Road Rulers: 268. Road Rules wins.

Oh, come on. A one point difference? That's about as believable as an episode of Fear. You're more likely to meet a straight choreographer than win a dance contest by one point. This reeks just like the 98 demerits from last week. I'm not buying it, nor Eric's sweat-stained shirt when the lucky recipient puts it up on eBay.

Outkast then perform its song "The Whole World" and everyone screams. Outkast shouldn't really be flattered, however, seeing as the audience shouted just as loudly for the Road Rulers' crappy step dancing. Even the Crawlers' own cheers mean nothing considering they get just as excited every time they find out that they're going to be going to {insert college name here}.

Now that the dance competition is over, what better idea than to go out dancing for the night? You know, 'cause they haven't embarrassed themselves enough yet with their talent-lacking moves. The Crawlers decide to "treat" the Dot Commoners to a night on the town, though a better treat might be the gift of never gracing them with their presence again. Shane reiterates his jealousy at the club as he bitterly watches the chubby girls, Rachel and Kendal, macking it with their respective partners. He decides to make up for his lack of companionship by dancing with all the Dot Commoner girls. So desperate for some booty, he even lets Nichole grind her infamous ass against his crotch for a while. He tops it all off by locating Sarah and humping her relentlessly as she does her best to ignore him and leave an imprint of her butt on the couch she refuses to get off of. Eric spanks Shane like the bad little boy he is as Kendal looks on and grins. Typecast as the perky and loveable one, Kendal is like Katie Couric in the sense that her ditzy, saccharine personality is so wretchedly artificial that it induces vomiting. She thinks it's cute now, but she'll be sorry when her nose-scrunching facial expressions leave permanent wrinkles.

And so we bid adieu to the Dot Commoners, some of whom have already been forgotten before the show even ended. Except Nichole. I'll never forget my wild, sexy pixie. Email me, honey, I'll let you see me pump it up.

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