This Show Bites Cow Balls
Road Rules Season 11: Campus Crawl - Episode 12

By Blotto
9/3/2002

CONFIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM

To: Jon and Mary @BMP
From: Programming @MTV

The programming directors here at MTV have had discussions and would like to address some concerns we have with this lackluster season of Road Rules. In recent weeks, we have been soundly beaten in the ratings by IronChef: The Cheeze Whiz battle, Pat Robertson's Christian Comedy Cavalcade, and Part IV of the Ken Burn's documentary, Gallagher (did you know there were two Gallaghers? Fascinating stuff). But things may be looking up. Last episode's dramatic dismissal of Sarah was so popular, we nearly out-rated a Thighmaster infomercial featuring John Goodman. Please send us footage of the next episode so we can evaluate if this trend will continue.

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To: MTV
From: BMP

Mary here. Fear not gentlemen, for we have a whopper of an episode lined up for you!

The tension builds from the get-go as our new girl Raquel whines and moans about fitting in with the team. Rachel says she wanted someone more athletic, while Kendall says it's good to have more estrogen around (which is odd, since the only testosterone on the 'bago comes from Rachel). It's just like what Sarah went through in the first ten episodes, and that's what our fans want to see, more of the same recycled goodness! And look at the new girl try to fit in. She's known these people a couple of hours and is already divulging that she's unfaithful to boyfriends, washes her hands 50 times a day, eats the middle of foods but not the ends, and sprays Lysol on doorknobs. Just wait ‘til day two when she reveals that she taunts the elderly and molests poodles.

Next comes the DirectConnect clue. You'll like the shot where we get the Nextel logo, the Apple logo, and the American Outfitters logo all in the same frame. We're getting good at this! The cast is told to go to El Paso for a Texas cook-off, and Darrelll exuberantly shouts, "We're going horseback riding!" I guess "cook-off" is a slang term that I'm unaware of. As Raquel installs her eyelashes for the upcoming challenge, she remarks that she feels lost among this "whirlwind of personalities." Tell THAT to our critics who say this cast is the "empty void of personalities."

When the cast arrives at UTEP, they are greeted by teen pop sensation Natalie Promise. Oops, I mean they are met by Natalie and Promise, our ethnic hosts. Before we head to commercials they reveal the mission: Eating Gross Stuff! Can you believe it?! This will turn reality TV on its head.

I'm sure this is enough footage to erase your concerns about the show. By the way, I heard the two Gallaghers were brothers and had all sorts of legal problems. I'll be setting my TiVo for that one! Toodeloo!

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To: BMP
From: MTV

After watching this footage, we feel we need to make our concerns about Road Rules more clear. Specifically:

Where's the hot girl-girl action?
When we heard you were casting a domineering bisexual girl, we imagined we'd be seeing some steamy lesbian sex. Example: late at night, one of the girls cries over a failed mission, Rachel reaches out to comfort her, tells her it's okay, their eyes meet, then Rachel introduces her to a special love, the kind of love only two women can share. It's a ratings bonanza! Instead, Rachel spends all her time playing cuddle-bitch with Darrell. Speaking of which…

When will Darrell clock somebody?
He's a boxer, right? His only reason for being cast is so he can deck somebody, preferably Shane or Eric. We can't show Stephen's sissy slap forever, we need new brawl footage. Convince Darrell to do something besides make unintelligible comments. We expected Mike Tyson, but instead we got Big Brother's Mike Boogie. Speaking of lame white guys…

What's up with these lame white guys?
Okay, we know Shane is openly gay. Then we have Eric who always has his shirt off, shaves his chest, puts a lot of work into his abs, and snuggles with Kendall without getting any action. So tell us, why did you cast two gay guys?

Be warned that we will be meeting to discuss if Road Rules does not stand up to the quality programming we expect here at MTV.

P.S. We have an idea. What if Gallagher shows up and smashes all the food with a big sledgehammer? Wouldn't that be fantastic? Can you edit that in?

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To: MTV
From: Mary @BMP

Ooooohh, we're not meeting the "quality" expected by MTV! How could we ever be as good as the skinny sorority girls fighting the fat sorority girls? I'm being sarcastic you idiots.

Here's some more footage for you to "discuss." The foods that have to be eaten include cow brains, cow tongue, bull testicles, and cow penis. I'm confused as to why the bull has the balls and the cow has the penis. If you ever go to El Paso, don't drink the milk. Then comes the highlight of the show: two minutes of the girls cooking followed by three minutes of the guys eating and puking! That's right, puking! Just like in the first episode of the season. More of that recycled goodness our viewers love. And 5 full minutes of it! Who wouldn't watch this?

There. Now you have plenty to discuss when you stop blowing Gallagher.

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To: BMP
From: MTV

Mary, that was uncalled for. Leave Gallagher out of this. Unless we see some impressive footage, we may need to consider terminating our relationship.

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To: MTV
From: BMP

Hi, this is Jon. I'm trying to defuse the situation here. Mary is angry, and when she's angry she does mean things to me. Mean, horrible things. Please don't let her know I'm sending you this footage, which I believe you will enjoy.

After the guys successfully eat their food, the tables are turned and the girls have to drink Pizzel (cow penis) smoothies. We've contacted T.G.I.Fridays about marketing Pizzels, as it sounds like one of their appetizers. "So that will be one Volcano®, one Mudslide®, and can I start you off with a plate of Pizzels®?" This season of Road Rules cost $50 to produce, so we've got to make that money back somehow.

The drama builds as disgusted Raquel psych's herself to finish the mission. She laments, "I'm hungry right now, but not for penis." (sigh) If I had a nickel for every time my s.o. eat! She continues, "As much as I want my mind to think it's bananas in this smoothie, there's no way that this penis is going to be a banana in my mind." I see a future for her writing women's self-help books, like Swallow that penis: Achieving your goals by finding your inner banana and Friends forever: Building lasting relationships by divulging your innermost secrets to a bunch of strangers on a Winnebago.

After much whining and puking, the girls complete the mission and win mountain bikes. Raquel's Rocky-esque victory is an inspiration to all our viewers that have had to chug a blended penis. You may have noticed the girls drinking our newest sponsor, TRUE water. Look out for their new ad campaign: TRUE water: For when you've just puked up a cow's dick.

I urge you to reconsider terminating Road Rules, and please don't let Mary know I sent this. Please Please Please Please Please.

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To: BMP
From: MTV

We have shown this footage to a focus group. It received our lowest test scores since A Kurt Loder Christmas. We have decided to cancel Road Rules and replace it with a new celebrity reality series, The Gallaghers.

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To: GALLAGHER FUCKERS!
From: Mary, ASSHOLES!

How DARE you cancel my show! Are you too stupid to see its brilliance?! And don't contact Jon. He will be "indisposed" for quite some time.

Just look at the last few minutes of the show. The cast stops on the freeway and climbs a hill together! It's about teamwork, and friendship, and sticking together. And then they build a stupid rock shrine and shove some trash in it! And then they contemplate life! And then…

Okay, the show sucks. It's all crap, all of it. Road Rules was just supposed to fill time between Real Worlds, but now there's a new Real World every couple of months, so what's the point?

I've got a deal for you. You continue to show Road Rules, and on the next RW/RR Challenge, each team will be paired up with a different Gallagher.

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To: BMP
From: MTV

SOLD!!!!!!

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