Narrator: On a cold Wednesday morning, Sugar Pie entered this world alongside
five brothers and sisters.
Anna Nicole Smith (Sugar Pie’s owner): She was
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute. She had, like,
ummmm, her little baby claws and her teeny-weeny puppy dog, uhh, tails and
ooooooooo... yeah, yeah.
Kim Walther (Sugar Pie’s owner’s personal assistant): From what I understand,
her first few weeks of life were rough. I’ve heard her birth mom was a genuine
Bobby Trendy (Sugar Pie’s interior decorator): I don’t believe Anna ever met
Sugar Pie’s parents, which is probably a FABULOUS thing. Anna always had a
breast obsession, so imagine if she watched pups sucking off their mother’s
teats and decided she not only wanted them bigger, but more of them!
Daniel Nicole Smith (Sugar Pie’s owner’s son): I kinda wanted a pet because
Mom was really weirding me out around the house. I was hoping for an iguana or
something cool, but Mom went out and got a poodle.
Anna: When I… I went to, umm, pick up my new wittle dogggggggggggy I was
very, very, uhhh, very excited. I looked at all of ‘em and… and, and I picked
Sugar Pie because she was the most beautiful one there and so, so I, you know,
figured she could, like… relate to me or something.
Howard K. Stern (Sugar Pie’s owner’s attorney): There was an immediate bond
between Sugar Pie and Anna. They each have an intense desire to be pampered.
Narrator: The as yet unnamed Sugar Pie was quickly welcomed into the Smith
household and family.
Anna: I told, I, I told Sugar Pie, “Hi, I’m your newwwwww, your, uh, newww
mommmmy!” and she, she loved me.
Kim: We were sitting in the kitchen eating a sugar pie when I pointed out to
Anna that she hadn’t named her dog yet. Anna took one look at her fork and
screamed “Sugar Pie!” She thought it was a great idea to name your pet after the
last food you ate.
Anna: I lovvvvvve food. And I lovvvvvve dogs. So, like, I, um, uh… it just
makes sense to, uhhh, combine them!
Daniel: I wasn’t surprised she was named after a dessert. There’s very little
chance she would have been named Carrot or Broccoli.
Bobby: Anna’s whole call the dog after whatever you last ate theory was
MAGNIFICANT! But it’s a good thing she didn’t wait to get Sugar Pie after she
was married or that poor pooch could be named Octogenarian Cum.
Narrator: Sugar Pie’s house training was a rigorous educational course.
Kim: Anna insisted Sugar Pie become a well behaved pet, so she had me follow
her around at all hours of the day. Sugar Pie was a bit too prissy to oblige to
going on daily walks on the street, so I had to trot behind her on a treadmill
Bobby: Sugar Pie was WONDERFULLY stubborn about most things. She demanded
only the most FANTASTIC varieties of milk bones, preferring the 2% kind. You
wouldn’t believe the tantrum she’d throw if it were skim milk.
Howard: Sugar Pie also learned the importance of promptness. If she was even
a minute late for a meal, she was likely to miss out altogether.
Anna: Yeah… I would eat her food if she, like, wasn’t there on time. She
needed to, to, to learn. Howard told me that, uhhh, there are starving people
in… foreign, um… countries like France and Wyoming and, like, other places that
I, ummm, don’t know. I don’t know nothing about nothing.
Daniel: For as long as I can remember, Mom has always enjoyed the taste of
Kibbles & Bits.
Narrator: While Sugar Pie was getting better acquainted in her new household,
Anna’s modeling career was starting to take off.
Anna: I was, like, all over and over and over. Billboards and ma… ma… movies.
Being famous was fun.
Howard: Anna Nicole’s celebrity brought secondhand fame to Sugar Pie and soon
she was being offered modeling gigs as well.
Kim: Although she denies it, when the offers came pouring in for Sugar Pie,
Anna was extremely jealous. Anna always needs to be the prima donna, so
competition with her own dog caused a riff in their relationship.
Anna: No. No, no. I wasn’t ever jealous. I was… always, always, always happy
for my Sugar Pie.
Bobby: Once Sugar Pie’s modeling salary began to match with OUTSTANDING
Anna’s, Anna grew AMAZINGLY green with envy. Her skin matched her BEAUTIFUL lime
Kim: I always figured eventually Sugar Pie and Anna would put aside their
differences, but after Sugar Pie’s photo shoot with PlayDog, things only
Daniel: I never really looked at their pictures. That’s like checking out
your mom or your dog!
Howard: Originally PlayDog had contracted her to do some sexy shots,
but nothing nude. For whatever reason, Sugar Pie felt particularly bold that
day. She took her collar off and bared all for the world to see.
Kim: I was thinking, “Oh my God! She’s naked!”
Anna: Those PlayDog pictures did, they did, um, make me upset. I mean,
it’s like Godddddddd, you know, have some class. Do something… something
tasteful or, uhh, something. That showed, like, no… self, um, self-respectedness.
Narrator: After the October issue came out, Sugar Pie and Anna were no longer
on speaking terms. During this time Anna met her future husband, J. Howard.
Anna: I was in luvvvvvvv. He was such a nice… man. (sobbing) J. Howard!!!
Howard: Her heart was so full of love at this point, she was able to extend
her affection back towards Sugar Pie.
Anna: With… this man… in my, umm, life I was able to, you know, see, like,
what was important… about life. Umm… so I reconnected with Sugar Pie.
Daniel: Everyone was friendly again. Sugar Pie would lick Mom, Mom would lick
J. Howard, and J. Howard would… just sit there, I guess.
Kim: Sugar Pie was very supportive of Anna’s relationship with J. Howard. She
was always there to lend a helping paw.
Narrator: Once Anna Nicole married, danger loomed for Sugar Pie.
Anna: For part of our honeymoon, we, uhhh, ummm, went to China… me and J.
had… (sobbing) Oh J. Howard! Why has God, umm, taken you from… me?
Howard: Anna has always insisted on taking Sugar Pie with her wherever she
travels, so this was to be no exception.
Kim: You know Anna and her food. She had been trying some of the local
Chinese delicacies and then some. When a chef introduced her to a wok and its
many functions, I began to worry for Sugar Pie’s safety.
Bobby: Oh yes, at that point Anna was definitely TERRIFICALLY salivating. She
might have actually out-drooled Sugar Pie for once. Of course, if there had been
some kind of official contest, I’m sure Anna’s comatose husband would have
OUTSTANDINGLY, unwittingly won.
Kim: I started humming like I was an ice cream truck to momentarily distract
Anna. While she looked frantically for this dessert, I managed to hide Sugar Pie
at a safe distance from her.
Daniel: It was a close call, I guess. If someone were to have poured
chocolate on me as a toddler, I probably wouldn’t still be here today.
Narrator: Back in the United States on one summer evening, a toy store
purchase led to a whirlwind romance for Sugar Pie.
Anna: I bought a teddy bear. I, uhhhh, bought Sugar Pie… her, her lover.
Howard: Sugar Pie took instantly to Theodore. Anna introduced Sugar Pie to
Mr. Bear and they became… intimate, I guess, immediately.
Anna: She was all over Teddy. She, she, she had good moves. I was a, uhh,
Daniel: I had kinda been looking forward to playing with that bear. But not
after I saw what Sugar Pie did with it. I wouldn’t touch it anymore.
Kim: Sugar Pie would make love to that doll at all hours of the day. Even
when trying to sleep, I could hear the constant thrusts against the floor. She
got a lot more action than me, but then who doesn’t?
Narrator: Sugar Pie and Teddy were dating for nearly a year when the love
affair came to a crashing halt.
Kim: I had put the bear away in a toy chest for the night. The next morning I
awoke to hear Sugar Pie growling.
Howard: Apparently, Sugar Pie had gone into the chest to locate her boyfriend
only to discover Theodore lying on top of a Barbie doll.
Anna: It was… ummm, horrible. That Teddy was cheating on my poor precious
Sugar Pie. Cheating! It’s like… uh, um, men… you just can’t, you know, live with
them and… you, like can’t live without their millions.
Daniel: Sugar Pie got her revenge, I guess. She tore all the stuffing out of
the thing. That was kinda cool.
Kim: She certainly made a big mess, but I can understand her trying to get
Narrator: But closure eluded Sugar Pie. Overwhelmingly upset over the entire
ordeal, Sugar Pie fell into a deep depression.
Anna: I, I… I was like, umm, yeah, Sugar Pie is real sad.
Kim: It was definitely a rough time for her. I knew things were wrong when I
walked in on her in the bathroom. There she was… bent over the toilet… lapping
up the water.
Howard: After Kim informed us that Sugar Pie had a drinking problem, we tried
Anna: Howard thought it’d be a, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good idea to have one of
those, uhhh, invention thingies.
Kim: We gathered around and told her how much we loved her.
Anna: I gave her the… uh, the, you know, best speech. I was all like
“Sugar….pie, we all love you sooooooo much more than the, uhh, raindrops in the
sky. Kissy kissy kissy.”
Bobby: I was all like “Listen, girl, you’re WONDERFUL, you have a PHENOMENAL
behind, we need your AWESOME self to get through this.”
Howard: Despite our impassioned pleas, she walked out on us and went straight
for the toilet. It was definitely a trying time.
Daniel: I think the hardest part was remembering to flush the toilet in case
Sugar Pie were to come in later.
Narrator: Sugar Pie’s immense addiction led to even more problems down the
Kim: She’d always come stumbling in late at night after socializing with the
strays in the alley.
Daniel: One time when Sugar Pie was all whacked out or something, she got
stuck in Mom’s cleavage.
Anna: I kept trying to… like, get her out and stuff. It, you know, hurt with
her claw thingies, yeah.
Bobby: Another time she took a leak on my leopard print rug. That was so
Howard: The lowest of the low was when the tabloids acquired a disturbing
photo of her eating her own fecal matter.
Daniel: I thought it was kinda weird to eat your own poop, but whatever.
Kim: They had caught Sugar Pie at her worst and now the whole world could
Anna: She had this, ummm, like shit in her… mouth and I wanted to be, like,
“Bad… um, dog, Sugar Pie” but I still, ummm, loved her too much to, like, yell.
Bobby: She was mortified. I could see it in her DELICIOUS beady eyes. So
MAGNIFICANTLY embarrassed was she that she withdrew from the world.
Howard: In the end, the picture turned out for the better. After a few months
of pitying herself, Sugar Pie was forced to acknowledge her problems and move
Narrator: Now on the road to recovery, Sugar Pie pulled her life back
together and began to date again.
Kim: All it took was for some website to name her amongst the top 50 most
eligible dogs. After that she had a different golden retriever practically every
Howard: Sugar Pie and her men were always hotly debated in the dog trade
magazine, Bone-a Fido.
Bobby: And suddenly, out of nowhere, that whole FABULOUS lesbian controversy
Anna: Sugar Pie… was, um, dating… the, uh… dog from… from… Lassie.
Howard: As diehard fans of Lassie know, although the title character is
female, the show employs male dogs to play the role because they don’t shed.
Kim: So Sugar Pie met her Lassie gentleman friend down by the fire hydrant
and, go figure, the paparazzi was there to snap a picture of the pair.
Bobby: The headline the next day was DELICIOUS! “Famous Dogs Hate Cats But
Anna: They, the, ummm, ummm… The newspaper didn’t know. They didn’t know
that, um, you know Lassie was a, was a… boy.
Kim: At that point, the public now though Sugar Pie was gay.
Daniel: I thought it was kinda funny.
Howard: Intelligent people should have recognized Lassie was a guy from the
photo itself, which showed him lifting his leg while urinating.
Anna: I didn’t even notice the peeing thing until Howard showed me… I was
like, I was like, “Oh.”
Bobby: But the controversy was already in full swing and it was FANTASTIC!
All the girls at the hair dresser were buzzing about Anna Nicole Smith’s dog
being more butch than her assistant. Simply AMAZING as I recall it!
Anna: Sugar Pie was, was, was, dev… devo… devastated. She loves penises just
like me. We love men, and, and, and umm, we love their penises. Mmmmmmm. I need
to go masturbate now.
Howard: In a publicity stunt of sorts, we hooked Sugar Pie up with Eddie the
pooch from Frasier. The goal was to set the record straight on her true
sexuality, but the pair genuinely hit it off.
Bobby: That Eddie is one cuuuuuuuuuuute dog. Absolutely ADORABLE! Absolutely
FABULOUS! Everyone forgot about her and that Lassie fellow faster than you can
say “pink throw pillow.”
Anna: I… I… liked that dog… Eddie. Yeah, yeah, he was named Eddie.
Howard: Kelsey Grammar had his people contact me, asking for Sugar Pie to cut
the relationship off because he believed her connection to Anna Nicole would be
bad for Eddie’s reputation. I find that whole thing humorous because it’s not
like Kelsey’s blonde bimbo wife didn’t marry someone twice her age for his
Kim: Sugar Pie and Eddie continued to go out, and we thought for sure there’d
be puppies in her future.
Daniel: I kinda wanted a puppy.
Narrator: Although children seemed eminent for Sugar Pie and Eddie, a tragic
misunderstanding prevented this.
Howard: It all started when Anna had to go to the dentist.
Anna: I remember Howard promised. He promised that… promised that it wouldn’t
hurt. He lied. He’s a fucking liar. A fucking liar. I hate him.
Gerald Robinson (Dentist to the stars): I was checking over Anna’s teeth when
I commented that her canine needed to be fixed.
Anna: I cried. I didn’t want to do it. But, yeahhhhhhhhhhh, you know,
doctor’s orders. My husband’s doctor told him to take his pills and he didn’t
and then he, uh, died the next day. (sobbing) Oh J. Howard… J. Howard! You went too
young! (hysterical) I miss you!
Kim: Somehow Anna got it into her head that Sugar Pie needed to be spayed, so
she had the procedure done.
Gerald: I told her we’d have to fix her canine, as in her tooth. Not her dog.
Whatever she did is not my fault, yet somehow I still get sued.
Howard: The lawsuit was filed because we felt Dr. Gerald had taken advantage
of Anna in a heavily medicated state. His careless comment led to Sugar Pie’s
Gerald: The documents I received stated Ms. Smith was deeply under the
influence of Novocain. I did not give her any Novocain or anesthesia throughout
the routine procedure.
Anna: The dentist didn’t give me no drugs. No… no. I took ‘em before. I need
‘em to, uh, umm. They help me, uh, sleep and stuff. I was very vvvvvvvvvv…
what’s the word? Venerable? Huh? Oh. Vulnerable. I was… uh, whatever that word
is I just said. Anyway, the dentist sucks. It’s totally his fault.
Gerald: For Anna to make a mistake of that magnitude, her cavities must not
be the only holes in her head.
Bobby: The whole incident was horrific. FABULOUSLY horrific! Eddie was ready
for fatherhood, I guess, because he dumped poor tubes-tied Sugar Pie
immediately. How FANTASTICALLY dreadful. Now she had a broken heart to match her
Narrator: Single and barren, Sugar Pie fell into depression again.
Bobby: Oh honey, it wasn’t pretty. That dog became more pathetic than a polka
Daniel: Her nose always felt warm.
Anna: My poor baby! She was like… um not happy and stuff. She missed her
ovaries like I miss my (sobbing) J. Howard! Ohhhhhhhhhhh J. Howard!!
Kim: Sugar Pie has had a dysfunctional life. She’s gone through so much more
weird stuff than anyone I know. Well, I guess there’s Anna, but whatever.
Howard: After we found Sugar Pie trying to hang herself with her leash, it
came time to get her some help.
Anna: I just want her to be… be, you know, happy and stuff. She’s my shmoopie
woopie, she should be as happy as when I was, was, awarded my multi-millions.
Howard: We decided to look into different medications to bring her spirits
back. The veterinarian gave us several prescriptions including Prozac.
Daniel: What’s funny is that Sugar Pie was now getting some of the pills my
mom was already taking.
Kim: While these same drugs have turned Anna into a bumbling addict, they
actually seemed to do Sugar Pie some good.
Anna: Now she is… she’s, you know, happy. Happyyyyyyy. I wuv her, I wuv her
Narrator: Now drugged to oblivion, Sugar Pie moved on to a new romantic
Howard: Her next boyfriend choice was a bit of a surprise: Anna’s son,
Daniel: What? Who told you I had a relationship with Sugar Pie? That’s just
Bobby: Their love was EXTRAORDINARY! They shared such an intense passion. I
do suspect, though, that the relationship was little more than something
Daniel: Okay, she humped my leg once. Okay? You happy? She thrust herself
against my shins until I could shake her off. That’s it. Gosh, I don’t even want
to be on TV. I can’t believe Mom is making me do this. I hate her.
Narrator: Evidently, life has returned to normal for this high society dog.
Sugar Pie looks poised to hold her role as poodle icon for years to come.
Archive > Television > The Anna Nicole Show > Season 1