Rectal Cheese
Signs

By new order
8/27/2002

For the record, I hated The Sixth Sense purely because of the direction. I thought it was horribly paced, not at all thrilling, and just plain cheesy. I kept expecting the walking dead to break out into a dance routine from Michael Jackson's video for "Thriller." Didn't even bother seeing Unbreakable because I was still licking my wounds from The Sixth Sense.

But I finally succumbed to my nephew's pleading and saw this piece of shit Signs movie. I went in expecting a solid effort from a mediocre director.

It sucked Anna Nicole Smith's gargantuan ass. I've had explosive diarrhea that I enjoyed more than this nightmare. I recalled seeing a thread on PS that discussed this humongous crap, and I looked forward to logging on and relishing in the expected lambasting.

Instead, I had to slog through what practically amounts to a fan thread!

So many of you "really REALLY liked" this poo, saying it was "good", "scary", and even "masterful". Were you guys drunk? Smoking crack? Getting head? Because I can't think of any other reasons for praising the worst movie to come along since the All-Time Nadir of Abysmal Efforts, Pearl Harbor.

(*shudder*)

This pungent piece of rectal cheese was so contrived I wanted to run out into the parking lot and factor some license plate numbers, because I was certain my intelligence was slipping. In an age when the USA can unleash hell on fellow members of the human race simply because they stand up to us, I found it insultingly far-fetched to assume that a freaking ALIEN INVASION wrought nothing more than a bunch of hand-wringing and vacations by the lake.

Not to mention the mind-boggling stupidity of a civilization that has the mental capacity to manufacture starships and the technology to criss-cross the universe but doesn't have the foresight to avoid a planet that's 80% water, the wits to get out of a closet, or the sense to fight back when being beaten by a baseball bat. How fucking retarded do you have to be to just stand there and get beaten by a fucking baseball bat until you die?

And great, little Timmy or Jimmy or Macaulay stopped breathing just in time to avoid getting gassed by the scary Creature from the Black Lagoon. But how come he didn't die from asphyxiation or suffer massive brain damage like everybody else who hasn't breathed in 15 goddamned minutes? Not only is he a child prodigy, but evidently he's Lazarus, Christ, or maybe even God.

And while I'm talking about the appearance of the space creatures, you'd think M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong would try to envision something truly upsetting when creating these aliens. Either that, or leave their appearance entirely to the imagination. Instead, we have folks sulking around in Halloween costumes who elicit nothing worse than a groan. Michael Jackson is WAY scarier looking than these fucktards.

So the kids at the birthday party went apeshit. Kids go apeshit when they see a snake, and Moms go apeshit when they see a mouse. When I see people going apeshit over something silly, I think they're morons. I don't go apeshit alongside of them.

And yeah, the reverend's kids were cute. The kids are ALWAYS cute. Been there, done that, was over it 5 years ago. Their acting still sucked, although it wasn't as bad as Mel's. Evidently, he and his director equated "pious" with "simple," and extrapolated "simple" into "simpleton." You're a man missing his faith, Mel, not a man missing a chromosome.

And what the rotten pity FART is up with "Night" casting himself in his own roles? What, there was nobody else in central casting available to play the part of scared shitless pussy boy? We all know you really want to be an actor, asshole, but despite your best efforts to keep reappearing on the screen, it doesn't change the fact that you still suck my left testicle.

There were so many horrible, horrible elements to this stinking pile of dung that I can't even go on without fighting down the bile that's been rising in my throat just thinking about it. Suffice it to say that the ordeal was unforgivably awful, and I'm truly disappointed that nobody else on this board has called this waste of time the execrable effort that it is.

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