A Farewell to Dignity
The Osbournes Season 2 - Episode 3

By animalhouse
12/11/2002

Tonight's show opens with Ozzy, Jack and some guys sitting around The Algonquin Round Table. Ozzy says, "Ocean -- not my place man. I was born on land. I am no deep-sea diver." Then he mumbles on about sharks and cages.

Cue the theme song. "Crazy..."

Tonight's show is titled: "The Oz Man and the Sea" The titles they rejected: "A Movable Brat", "The Son Also Rises", "To Have (Thousands of Dollars Worth of Clothes) and Have Not".

Sharon, looking pale and thin, tells us that Kelly is going to England. She will do several interviews there, and go on the popular Top of the Pops to perform her "top single". Kelly comments that she has watched that show since she was two. She then smells something, and notices that Author, the new puppy, is making use of the carpet as he has seen done so many times before by his elders.

In a store, near the check-out lanes, Ozzy and a guy pile bundles of pre-packaged split firewood into a shopping cart. They buy a lot. Ozzy tells the checker-girl (that already said she trusted him) that he will leave his pack of loot with her, to prove that he is not trying to abscond with the oak.

In the parking lot, the men pack the car full of wood -- a bunch of wood. (It's either a cord, or a butt-load). Someone in a passing car tells Ozzy that he rocks. Oz waves.

Kelly and her mom hug and cry together as the time for Kelly to leave draws near. Sharon says that she hates this week, because everyone is leaving.

Ozzy stops by the LA County Fire Station 70 to ask questions about starting a bonfire at his beach house. They are nice to him and agreeable to the fire, as long as he is doing it in a pit, a safe distance from the house, and with a permit. The fireman says that someone can come check things out, if he will give them his address. Ozzy: "Where do I live?"
(Who knew that was coming?)

Sharon talks to Jack's wrangler, about her son's upcoming trip to Wilmington, NC. Jack is going there to tape an episode of Dawson's Creek. The guy tells Sharon that Jack has five lines in the show, the last of which is, "Do you know where I can get any drugs around here?" Sharon uses that as a nice segue into a conversation about what she expects from him and Jack on the trip. The guy is to keep Jack away from pot, drugs and drinking. Random guy is to make sure that Jack thanks people and is polite. Jack is to sit up straight, not pop his gum or crack his knuckles. He is allowed to breathe, but not discourteously. Sharon adds, "If he gets lippy, slap him." (This guy must basically do what Sharon and Ozzy have been unable to do.)

When it is time for Jack to leave, Sharon hugs him and asks if he promises to be a good boy. She says, "You just have some fun (see the paragraph above) and when you have had enough, come home." (At this rate, "Mama, I Ain't Comin' Home.")

Nanny Melinda is at the airport with Kelly. They are headed to England, by way of Germany. (The director wants us to see that the plane is nicknamed, "Tubular Belle.")

A fireman comes out to review Ozzy's fire plans and check on the site. He tells Oz that the fire must be 25' from the house, and obviously be built when the tide is out. It must be contained in a pit. He says that "Duraflame" logs are A-OK to start the fire. Ozzy seems to be a stickler for following the rules here. Either he is still scared after last week's nearly necessary call to the fire brigade, or he is afraid of being deported for burning down homes in this community of millionaires.

Kelly and Company have a rough take-off as they fly another leg of their trip. After they land in Germany, they wait at the baggage carousel for Kelly's bag. (Has this ever happened to you? You are the last sad soul still waiting for a bag. There is something unclaimed riding along on the belt, but it's not yours. Standing alone, you hold onto hope for a while. It's a sad moment of realization when you know it is not coming -- ever, like when Bambi's mom didn't make it into the woods with him.)

Kelly and Melissa sit on a bed in Germany and talk about the lost bag. Kelly says that it holds "thousands and thousands of dollars worth" of stuff. All her best clothes are in that bag. They believe that the problem started when the bag was hand inspected in the airport, because of a gold "gun" pin (a brooch type thing). It showed-up big and scary on a trip through the scanner. The bag is so very lost, as are Kelly's undies within. Melissa offers to share her nickers, but Kelly will have none of that.

Jack is in wardrobe in Wilmington. They are doing a T-shirt fitting. All the shirts are equally unflattering to Jack's dumpy, baby-fat laden body. The wardrobe mistress says that a T-shirt is a T-shirt. Jack agrees.

Oz is at the ocean, telling us about his fire pit. He says, "This hole here was the first attempt. Failed miserably. Take two. Where is my second one?" The ocean creeps ever closer to the existing fire. Ozzy tells it, "F - off. F - off! Go to Alaska. No, no, no, no! You f-ing ass ocean. NO!" He gets a heavy rock from the beach, to start a dam. He then blows his nose in his shirt.
(My apologies to those of you that like your expletives raw and uncut. I feel ya.)

Kelly is talking to Jack on the phone. She tells him that she can drink beer (legally) in Germany -- but it all tastes "grrr-oss." She says she has been wearing the same undies for three days -- though she does wash them out every night. (Whatever happened to those halcyon days, when a girl could replace her lost underwear?) Kelly tells Jack (in her best nah-nah-nah voice) that she is going to be on "Top in Pops" and he is gonna miss it. Jack promptly hangs up on his sis.

Six German fans stand together and speak to the camera. They take turns talking: "Ich traf Ozzy im Mai, und jetzt möchte ich Kelly treffen. Sie ist kühl. Ya. Ya. Ya." Someone says that Kelly is having her "First Beatles experience." Kelly says that it is just four fans that keep following her around. (But are they a fab four?) At an interview at a radio station, the DJ says something like, "Ich bin ein Osbourner."

Back to Ozzy and the fire. He asks if it is too big, then adds that it soon will be. He gets more logs. He says, "I am the log man" (G'goo goo g'joob) and drops more wood over the balcony. He shouts, "Sharon! Are you coming down?" He moons the fire, and tells us that he likes warming his butt by the fire.

Back in Germany, Kelly pastes on a fake smile for the autograph seeker that approaches her in The National Museum of Old Boring Stuff. The fan asks Kelly to sing for her. Kelly's friend says she can't do it, "Because her band is not here." (Um, hello little fan girl. Kelly's natural voice would crack some of that antique crap that surrounds you. Can you not tell that her voice is highly and ridiculously synthesized in her recordings? Innocent fan-girl, move along now.) In an awful and awkward moment, the fan sings a line to Kelly, and yes, she has the better voice of the two.

Jack has an early wake-up call in Wilmington. Wrangler guy is nice, and shakes him awake gently. Jack is difficult to rouse, but still wants credit for doing "such a good job of getting up."

Flash of London.

Flash of Jack.

(Flash of Jack London?)

Kelly is about to go on stage at the Top of the Pops. Her dad performed there thirty years ago. We see a clip of a younger him singing "Don't You Ever Say Die." Kelly wears something ugly and jumps onto the stage to sing her one-hit-wonder.

Back at the fire pit, Sharon asks about the stones there. Ozzy wants some cheese so he can go fishing. He is cute when he says, "Fish like cheese. Sometimes. Some fish like cheese." He will put the cheese on a hook. He anticipates that if he catches anything, it will most likely be a cold. In the water, Ozzy tells the ocean, "NO!" The ocean responds by knocking him down.

And so it ends.

Next Week: Meet little, funky Burt.

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