It's the big Survivor 5 finale and this one's got it all, baby! Lies! Backstabbing! Uhhh… lies! Did I say backstabbing? There's so much excitement, people will be gathering around water coolers across the country to discuss the topic of the week:
"Did you watch Survivor? Me neither." Well, they missed out on seeing Christmas come early for a very naughty boy who somehow didn't make Santa's list. The North Pole must not get Cinemax.
Let's take a look at our Final Four after 5 weeks on the island. Android Helen is as emotionless as ever. Brian has morphed into Kenny Loggins. Clay has morphed into King of the Hill's Boomhauer, as you can't understand a word he is saying. Half way through the show, the closed captioning guy typed,
"I give up! First George W., then Ozzy, now this assclown. Decipher him yourselves!" He then typed in the international symbol for
"I've quit and I'm taking a bong hit." Jan has developed thick leathery skin and obviously lost a few marbles. In other words, no changes. Overall, they're the most grotesque pairing of two men and two women since ABBA.
It's a new day, which means it's time for today's Lame Brian Analogy:
"I'm on a business trip. My attire is my beard and my swimsuit, but I'm all business." That sounds a bit overdressed for Brian's line of work. A few weeks ago he was a
"shark," last week he was "figure-skating", and now he's "business."
I'm going to collect these and create Brian's Useless Analogy Desk Calendar.
Everyday you get an analogy that sounds smart but actually makes no sense
whatsoever, such as "Arbor Day: Planting a tree is like giving shoes to a cat
The first immunity challenge is a rehash of this season's uninteresting physical challenges and uncreative puzzle challenges. The survivors must dig a hole, then solve the Sunday Jumble, then bore the audience to death, then eat some nasty shit. Brian wins easily. Helen is pissed because she hates losing and looking like a fool. If you're not smart enough to recognize this as foreshadowing, then your name is Robb.
Clay and the increasingly paranoid Brian try convincing Jan to vote off Helen. Jan thought it was her turn to go, so she decides to think it over. Huh?? They're giving her a free pass to the next round and she might not go along? That would be dumber than putting on a race around the world and finishing it with a cab ride. Brian says Jan is his
"ace-in-the-hole," and you better have a good poker hand when you're a figure-skating shark on a business trip. At tribal council, Helen gets the boot, 3-1, and will not win a million dollars. That's okay. All she wants for Christmas is her two front teeth to look like a normal human being's. And boy is she mad (hint, hint).
A new day dawns and, yep, another Brain analogy:
"I called her my Aunt Helen but she was more like a sister. But maybe a sister that went bad." This guy's a goldmine! I think I'll use that one on Mother's Day. They greet the day with make-believe coffee and donuts, but Jan spoils the fun by having one-too-many make-believe mimosa's.
Now comes the overly sentimental
"remembering the losers" part of the finale. The final four were given some flowers and lei's to make funeral
"floats" for each loser. They tried to give each float a characteristic of the person it represented. Erin's float had two coconuts. Robb's float had a pierced turd. Ted's float tried to grope the Ghandia float. Helen's float had two cups sugar, one cup flour, and was baked for 30 minutes. The rest were left blank as nobody could think of the remaining survivors without falling asleep. What a trip down memory lane! There's that guy! And vomit girl! And what's-his-name! You know, he did that thing? The final three set off rowing down the river, honoring the fallen by littering the pristine scenery with their shitty Michael's arts-and-crafts projects. Then they headed up the river for the final immunity challenge: the assassination of Col. Kurtz.
Alas, the true immunity challenge is the umpteenth variation on the standing-on-a-pole challenge. I can't wait for next season's dramatic pat-your-head-and-rub-your-stomach-while-standing-on-one-foot endurance contest. The three are asked to perform a Thailand tradition by standing in a yoga position with coins between their fingers and their heads in a vice. Remind me never to go to Thailand. Brian wins, and at TC, after
"playing ping-pong on a seesaw" (the guy never stops!), boots Jan. So Jan doesn't get the million dollars and won't be able to start her dream business: Grandma Jan's Pet Cemetery and Distillery. Clay and Brian celebrate like the Lakers had just won the championship, setting the camp and boat on fire and looting an imaginary mini-mall.
We finally come to the final showdown, where the bootees get to face the booters and *gasp* pick one to win a million dollars! Revenge is a dish best served with heaping piles of money. Brian and Clay make their opening statements with aplomb, which shouldn't be a surprise. Brian once played a lawyer in The Hung Juror, and Clay was an official representative of the Lollipop Guild. The questioning begins:
"I want you each to look me in the eye and tell me why the other person shouldn't
Brian and Clay: (blank stares)
Erin: "I said my
EYES, not my RACK!"
Brian: "We can't answer that. Let me get something off my chest. Maybe you weren't kept abreast of the situation, but we've acted like a couple of boobs. We tried to implant lies in your heads and create cleavage amongst your friendships. You might say we've been a fake pair. And like the old saying, let he who is without sin cast the first huge tits."
"I was looking at your ass."
Ken: "My question is "What's the capital of Thailand?""
Brian and Clay:
"We don't know."
Ken: (punches them in the crotch) "It's Punchindick!"
"Actually Ken, it's Bangkok. You're supposed to punch them in the dick and say
Ken: "Shut up, scumbag!" (punches Jeff in the nuts)
"I'm going to interrogate these guys the NYC police way! Does anyone have a
Jeff: "Sit down Ken."
Penny: "My turn, and I want you to focus on what's
really important about this game: ME! Tell me what you know about me!"
"Your name is Penny McBoringchick. You live in Boringsville in Boring County. You're
the reigning Miss Boring Texas and were voted Most Likely to be the Most Boring
Person in TV history."
Clay: "You have a nice ass."
Jake: "Clay, you made some statements that irked me and I'd
like to discuss them at length in my quiet monotone. I woke up one morning and I
started to…" (transcript lost; everyone fell asleep)
"Clay, did you make a racist statement about me?"
Clay: "I did nothing of the sort! I'm your friend! I've
even invited you to my restaurant. Just remember to sit in the back with the
people of your type."
Jan: "I just want to say that in our time here we've
killed a lot of mosquitoes and *sob* I feel sorry for the little things *sob
sob* and I think now we should have a funeral service for each one. There was
Stinger *sob*, and Buzz-Buzz *sob sob,* and *sob sob sob*"
Magilla: "I'd just like to make a statement. Millions of humans set aside time each week to watch you clowns on TV, yet you have the nerve to say monkeys are the lesser primates! Please leave, and don't
let the bamboo hit your ass on the way out."
We finally come to the moment they've built up to all episode: Helen's face-off with Brian.
Scene: Night. A steamy Thailand hut. Helen (female, late 30's-early 40's, recipe hunter) confronts Brian (hunky male, 30's, analogy philosopher) and Clay (male, 50's, village idiot) about their deceptions.
"How could you lie to me, right to my face?"
Brian: (takes a stiff drink)
"Just playing the game, baby. Playing the way you like it. Down and dirty."
Helen slaps Brian. Brian looks at Helen with a devilish smile. Helen shakes with emotion, torn between feelings of anger and lust. Brian grabs Helen. They hesitate, then kiss. Helen struggles but gives in. A saxophone starts playing in the background. As they fall to the ground, the camera pans away to the starry sky, the sounds of passion fill the air.
"Now those are some nice asses!"
Voting time. By a margin of 4-3, Brian has just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS! After taxes, the divorce, and child support, Brian has just won ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS! Clay couldn't get enough love. He said he was a diamond-in-the-rough, but all he gave them was a lump of Clay.
And that's it. Writing this summary was like juggling heroin needles on a unicycle. Or like clubbing baby seals with a nerf bat. Hey, these meaningless analogies are easy!
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