Will Someone Just Spit In Someone Else`s Face So We Can Move On?!?!
RW/RR Challenge Season 06 - Battle of the Suckses - Premiere

By JT
1/7/2003

Ah, the beginning of a brand new year. Fresh starts, new opportunities, clean slates. And in keeping with this optimistic spirit, our friends at BMP and MTV have presented us with… the all-new Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes! Yes, quicker than you can say "Auld Lang Syne," the diaper of Baby New Year 2003 has been soiled with 36 of the biggest whiners, losers, backstabbers, playas and sluts plucked from the last eleven years of reality television. Kinda gives new meaning to that line that goes "Should old acquaintance be forgot," eh?

During the opening montage we are treated to sunny shots of Jamaica's pristine beaches and clear blue skies. But something wicked this way comes, in the form of a busload of ass. On board, among others: RW Miami Dan and RR Quest Ellen. Since Dan has been on every challenge that has aired since his season ended, he apparently has been too busy to get a haircut, and now we know what the love child of Jesus Christ and the Joker would have looked like. Ellen, on the other hand, actually claims to have a job – she works at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange and wears a little yellow jacket while shouting, "Buy! Sell!" How nice that they now offer refreshments to the traders.

Behind them, RW LA Beth is still complaining about being the first voted off of last year's Battle of the Seasons and hopes that her new teammates can see past her bad reputation. Hey Beth, hate to say this but: "fat chance!" (pun intended.) Too bad the editors of this show don't have that magic body-stretcher thingie that was obviously used on you in Playboy. Out of nowhere, RW New Orleans Jamie appears and claims to be "a nomad, an outlaw, roaming around." Since his new facial hair gives him the appearance of a shady vagrant, we can only assume that he is now living on the streets, panhandling and swindling tourists. Guess selling backpacks and extreme camping gear online isn't as lucrative as one might think.

As the Lucifer Express pulls up to the "Chili's Lounge," we discover that RR Maximum Velocity James and RR Resident Bitch Emily have fallen in love after meeting on a previous challenge and taking a cross-country bike trip. According to James, "it's cool." I beg to differ. The possibility of these two producing offspring is far from "cool." In fact, it chills me to the very core of my being. On that note, enter RR Quest Jisela and RW Hawaii Amaya, who immediately and without any sense of irony test out the beds in the Women's Villa. Jisela rubs the bedspread and proclaims, "This is Jisela material," which I guess means that Ikea is now selling comforters made from 100% skank. Get yours now!

Over at the Men's Villa, we find RR Europe Antoine and RR Islands Jake, who has taken time out of his hectic Internet dating schedule to come compete in Jamaica. Next up is the self-described "comedian Dave Edwards" from RW LA, boasting that he was the first person ever to be kicked off a reality TV show. Despite this dubious honor, there is still absolutely nothing funny about this little man, who has not changed at all physically in the last 10 years. The fact that he can make a living as a "comedian" simply flabbergasts me. The goldfish sitting on my desk as I type this is funnier than him.

Back at the Women's Villa, the inevitable occurs. There, on my television screen, appears an unholy image that I have managed not to lay eyes on in at least a year or two. It is the vile face of an insipid horse-toothed moron, with greasy dyed-red hair and wearing a "Bunkbed Incident" tee shirt. RW New Orleans Julie. Mulie. Foolie. Satan! And she still cannot pronounce Ayanna's name. As I brace myself to deal with Julie's reappearance in my life, in marches RW New Orleans Melissa, (who has done a much better job of growing her hair out than Dan,) and proclaims to Julie, "I don't like you! We are not friends! You… are an asshole!" As Julie stares back at her with a smug, condescending smirk that just screams to be ripped off her face, preferably with a dull machete, we are given some background on this now-infamous feud. Apparently, Melissa believes that Julie was responsible for stealing a college lecture gig from her. Snore. If Melissa hates Julie so much, she can check the Planetsocks archives for over 100 much better and more understandable reasons.

As the guys continue to meet and mingle, RR Semester at Sea Yes reveals that he "got it in the butt on the first day" during last year's challenge. No surprise, given the latent homosexuality that ran rampant on that show. Wonder if it was Timmy who gave Yes the hot beef injection, since he was inexplicably every guy's fantasy. Speaking of last year, RW Granddaddy Eric Nies and RR Pop-Pop Mark Long, former hosts and current competitors, watch the younger guys frolicking in the pool from their wheelchairs on the sidelines and make comments that seem to suggest that they consider themselves the wisest of the bunch, when in reality they are probably the stupidest of all. I mean, c'mon – these two could be the poster boys for the Get a Life Foundation. RW Hawaii Colin is back as well, announcing, "Everybody who has ever been on this show is a freak." Wait, did someone say "freak?" In struts RW San Francisco Puck, as Eminem raps "Guess who's back?" Apparently Puck is living the American dream, with "a kid, a house and a pool." He's truly made it. Never mind that he's divorced from the kid's mother, the ‘house' is really a trailer and the ‘pool' most likely refers to a puddle of urine, vomit, spit, or a combination of all three.

So you get the picture: basically nothing and no one has changed, and the Drama Meter is set on high. Let the games begin! Cue the opening credits, featuring pop-punk unknowns Midtown performing a peppy little number on the beach as the contestants dance, mug and act goofy for the cameras. I truly hope we aren't subjected to this intro every week, because not only does it seem to never end, but it is also one of those things that you can't watch without feeling a nagging sense of shame and embarrassment for all involved.

This year's challenge is hosted by Jonny Moseley, a former Olympic skier with HTP, (High Tool Potential.) Jonny explains the rules, which are pretty much identical to last year's game. The 18 men will compete against the 18 women, and after each event, the top 3 scorers from each team will form an "Inner Circle" who will eliminate one male and one female until there are only 3 players left on each side. Those two teams will then compete for the $150,000 Chili's Jackpot. As Jonny does the math and tells the players that means $50,000 each, we see individual shots of glazed eyes, slack-jawed faces and drooling mouths. It's almost as if he told them they were going to be real celebrities or something.

Julie immediately worries that Melissa will sabotage her chances at the big prize and is comforted by RR Northern Trail Anne, who is double fisting margaritas, probably to dull the pain of her inevitable sprained ankle/wrist/toe/pinkie finger. In a show of solidarity, Ellen takes Dan's advice and partners with Julie for the upcoming competition. After all, two bitch-face assholes are better than one, right?

Meanwhile, major drama is going down at the Men's Villa. Unfunny Dave is screaming at Puck to go beat his wife again. In response, Puck spits in Dave's face, prompting Dave to immediately point and yell, "He spit at me! Disqualification!" As Dave continues to rant and rave, Puck asks if he is high, which triggers an impressive string of "fuck yous" from Dave. When Puck tries to put an end to the fight with a handshake, most of his teammates take his side, which they show by standing on the sidelines in silence with heads bowed and hands folded over their genitalia. As if there weren't enough pussies involved in this ridiculous argument, Dave decides to call Jon Murray to demand that Puck be sent home, while Puck phones his fiancé to fill her in on the details of his new mullet. All of this goes on and on and on and on for what seems like a half hour. When Jon finally appears in person to tell Puck he is going home, the rest of the cast storm off their bus in protest as Puck actually cries and wails "I'm a father, don't do this to me. I gave you so much, Jon." Pa-thet-ic! I think it was right about this point that I realized that maybe I am too old to still be watching this shit.

RW New Orleans David, being the reasonable, calm, cool and non-argumentative thug that he is (woo woo), appoints himself the mediator in the situation and tries to reason with Dave. Dave says that if he can spit in Puck's face, then they will be even and the show can continue. It's comforting to see that maturity and common sense still haven't made even a cameo appearance on a BMP show. Woo Woo David brings this offer to Puck, who agrees and goes to accept his mouthful of spit like a real man. But it turns out that Dave only wanted to see Puck on his knees and still demands he be thrown off the show. Just as I am about to email the buttheads and tell them that I have had enough and am going to bed, Jon Murray decides to just let Puck stay, and life as we know it can go on.

Somewhere in the next scene, RR Latin America Gladys reveals that she has a baby in her, but no one really cares. Gladys should know that to really stir some shit up, you need to already have the baby, bring it with you to the challenge, and leave it unattended near a plate glass window during a hurricane, after which you can go buck wild on some holier-than-thou born again Christians who think they can raise a child better than you. Duh!

Finally, with about ten minutes left in the episode, the first competition begins. The teams are woken up at the crack of noon by Drill Sergeant Griffith, who has them up, partially dressed, and in formation in a matter of minutes. Jeez, they should have brought this guy in on day one and we could have had a nice, easily summarized 20-minute episode on our hands.

In preparation for the competition, RR Maximum Velocity Latterian takes it upon himself to rally his "warriors" with a cheer of some sort, spoken in a strange language. On the girls' side, RR Campus Crawl Rachel does the same, although I could swear that her cheer consisted of the word "vagina" repeated over and over again. Somewhere, Eve Ensler must be having a mind-blowing orgasm.

This game is called "Sergeant Says," which is basically "Simon Says" but with exercises, and the winners will receive one free year of Blockbuster rentals, with which they can watch all the straight-to-video "films" that they will undoubtedly be appearing in over the course of their acting "careers." Part of the prize is also the "Ion Lifesaver," which the winners can use to save someone in danger of being voted off.

The event begins and Latterian and Rachel promptly fuck up and are disqualified, along with their partners, Emily and Antoine. So much for cheerleaders. More non-surprises follow, including James' being disqualified and immediately arguing with the Sergeant over his call. This guy will never, ever change. Congratulations, Emily, you picked a real winner. Have fun at the shelter for battered woman in five years!

In short order, all the guys are out of the competition leaving RW Chicago Aneesa and RW Boston Genesis against Amaya and Melissa. When her team wins, Amaya is astounded, since she "never works out" and Melissa "weighs about 90 pounds." No, Amaya, the reason it's shocking that you won is because you are a lazy crybaby and Melissa is a whining bitch.

This means that the female Inner Circle is Amaya, Melissa, Genesis and Aneesa, while the male Inner Circle is Jamie, Colin, RR Quest Blair and RW Chicago Theo. The guys are let off the hook when a still-outraged Dave sends himself home. (You can almost hear the "Buh Bye" spoken in unison from the Men's Villa.) After an hour of deliberating, Amaya announces that the Ion Lifesaver will symbolically be awarded to Dan, since he is an "honorary member of the girls' team." Bet that's not the first time he's heard that. Then Genesis says that Julie is being sent home, since the team needs to "communicate" better, and seeing that none of the others speak "Condescending Dumbass Gibberish," she was the logical choice.

And so Julie is gone as quickly as she came, but not before badmouthing Melissa and advising Ellen to watch her back. By the time the credits roll, most of the girls' team has expressed anger with Melissa over what they deem to be a "personal" decision. As Genesis eloquently states, "Money can turn good people ugly," we are left to wonder what cheesy-Mexican-restaurant phony money will do to people who are not good and are already ugly. The good news is, we have a whole season ahead of us to find out!

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