Celebrating in His Birthday Suit
The Real World Season 12: Las Vegas - Episode 16

By Kvm711
1/8/2003

Tomorrow is Irulan's birthday. For the big event, her childhood friend Mikey from home comes to visit. He goes virtually ignored as Irulan begins to tear through a "huge package" full of presents from her mother. She grabs each gift, gives it a quick glance, and tosses it aside before reaching for the next one. There are enough presents to satisfy a large orphanage on Christmas, assuming they were age appropriate. As any parent would, Irulan's mom has given her daughter several pairs of risqué underwear. Her mom must be trying extra hard to force Irulan into situations that will produce grandchildren. Alton curiously touches all the thongs, figuring it's as close as he'll come to getting in Irulan's pants.

Besides undergarments, Irulan receives rollerblades, which excites Alton. He puts on his own skates and (finally) a shirt. It was about time - the sight of his defined abs almost convinced me to get out and exercise. Almost. Hand in hand, Alton and Irulan exit the hotel toward the skate park, leaving Mikey behind to endure hours of listening to Frank amuse himself with Life cereal "He really likes it!" jokes.

Despite her shakiness on the skates, Irulan never manages to hurt herself, which is a real shame, considering she'd certainly be prepared for the whole "wear clean underwear in case you have to go to the emergency room" deal with her mother's birthday gifts. That, and I'd just really like to see her get scraped up because I hate her. A lot.

Back home, Irulan and Alton are smoking and having a discussion about their views on casual sex. It's painfully obvious that they truly believe their conversation is, as Alton says, "really deep and fulfilling." I find it entertaining that once young people reach a point where they no longer giggle at the mention of sex, they presume themselves to be mature by debating the topic at length. Want to have a dialogue that's actually profound? Try politics. Of course, this pair wouldn't know politics unless it was a brand of cigarettes.

Annoyingly, the two continue to make references to their "special" relationship. Alton explains that his bond with Irulan is "emotionally very intimate," providing a pathetic excuse to his friends at home for being unable to bone her. Irulan claims to know she was supposed to meet Alton and is thankful to have him in her life, "if only for five months." Yeah, if only it were five months that I'd have to endure his presence. His inevitable ad nauseam appearances on RW/RR Challenges just may be the death of me. Irulan attempts to appease the cock she's teasing, by saying that for her to kiss someone else besides Gabe is the highest of compliments to Alton. She fails to point out that for Gabe, however, it's more like a slap in the face.

Trishelle's in the shower, scrubbing extra hard to get the skank out of her hair, when she calls for Frank to come in the bathroom. She's naked, he's wearing only a towel, and eerily I seem to be the only one discomforted by the fact that they have a whole dialogue in the buff. I'm no prude (well, I guess compared to Trishelle I am) but I fail to see how asking about birthday presents for Irulan can't wait another two minutes before they get dressed.

Frank reveals that he and Steve have found a free spa treatment for Irulan. Trishelle giggles and asks if she can be a part of it, too. Wow, you know you're cheap when you need to split something worth nothing three ways. I suppose that's better than Trishelle's other idea: that lame "your present is my presence" thing. If she ever tried that crap on me, I'd be sure to exchange it for the presence of someone with a pleasant personality.

In the confessional, Irulan and Alton are drawing attention to their pseudo-relationship by saying one thing and doing another. It's clear that the contradictions are intentional; they're playing with the camera like kittens with yarn. Minus the whole cuteness factor. They want nothing more than to entice the audience in their affairs, but this story is no more interesting than the usual Arissa one, so I'm not biting.

The two get in bed and cuddle all night. The next morning, the phone rings, prompting Alton to tumble out of bed. He answers and SURPRISE - it's Karma on the other end, in the form of Gabe. Irulan rushes to the phone, eager to receive endless birthday praise. Basking in his "I love yous," she obviously enjoys the attention. Eavesdropping, Alton mopes around like a puppy. Once again, minus the whole cuteness factor.

Deciding she needs an extravagant situation to attract even more attention toward herself, Irulan brings Trishelle, Mikey, and Alton to watch her perform a birthday bungee jump. Looking down on her minions below, Irulan expresses sudden nervousness. The camera cuts to a quick shot of a swimming pool on the ground, seemingly indicating that should the rope snap, at least she'll land safely in the water. Uh-huh. I'm guessing that should that happen (and let's cross our fingers!) she won't need to bother worrying about how clean her underwear is.

Always the supportive non-boyfriend-type-guy, Alton shouts encouragement from below. "You can do it!" Uh, yeah, of course she can. It's not as if bungee jumping requires talent, anyone can wear a harness and leap. As she takes the plunge, he adds, "Come on down!" At this point, what with gravity and all, I think it's fairly impossible to do anything but come down, dumbass.

After Irulan's done and left dangling, Alton tells Mikey how beautiful the jump was. Twice, even, as if to make it more true by repeating it. Because, really, the sight of Irulan bungee jumping is right up there with the birth of a child and a pristine mountain view. Excuse my sarcasm, I probably might have found the jump beautiful as well… were she to do it without the cable attached.

Safely on the ground, Irulan shares in a group hug and gabs about the rush and exhilaration. Mikey starts spouting bullshit about how it's things like this that "make birthdays memorable." Ohhh, poo. Shut yer trap. I deplore it when friends of Real Worlders go out of their way attempting to say something meaningful in hopes that it'll make it on the show. Pshaw, nice try. His statements are about as deep as that three-foot pool below the bungee stand.

On to Irulan's birthday dinner, where things take a bizarre turn. In a poor parody of a silent movie, the film appears stunted and scratched and the irritating sound of a projector plays in the background. Worst of all, it's not funny. Jon and Mary wait twelve fucking seasons to mock themselves within an episode and give us this? While the montage didn't succeed in getting me to laugh, it did cause me to shake my head and ask "what the hell are they thinking?" That said, I would encourage a permanent move to this silent movie format, albeit hokey, because it does spare us the horror of having to listen to the roommates talk.

It's time for us to celebrate! By us, I mean the roommates; we don't get to celebrate for another two months. When the season ends. Drinking herself into oblivion, Irulan takes turns grinding against Mikey and Alton. If you hated Irulan's personality while sober, you wouldn't believe how irritating she gets when inebriated. It's as if she drank half a keg of Bitch Lite, except there's nothing lite about it. "I'm so drunk I can't stand!" Irulan yells, leaning against Alton. He insists to her that she's "perfect," evidently excited at his opportunities later in the evening with someone so plastered. She doesn't need to stand to do what he has in mind.

Somewhere along the way, the beast awakens. No, not that beast, she's drunk as a skunk. I'm talking about the beast in Alton's pants. He's horny and has probably resigned to the fact that anything with Irulan at this point would hardly be consensual. He reminds himself that he's single, justifying leaving Irulan leaned against the wall. He starts chatting with a woman whom he calls "my schoolteacher." Mary Kay Latourneau, is that you?

As it turns out, her name is Carrie, and she didn't ever teach Alton. He probably just says "my" because he longs to be possessive of a woman since he can't have Irulan. Alton had met Carrie previously at another club, thought she was cute, and decided he wanted to "get to know her." And he sincerely seems to mean that… in the biblical sense.

Semi-jealous and mega-wasted, Irulan is escorted back to the hotel by Mikey. After keeling over in the elevator, she pukes in the bathroom like it's going out of style -- kind of like that odd hat Alton's been wearing. The thought that her mother must be so proud keeps running through my head, but then I remind myself that that's the same woman who sent a box full of panties to her daughter. Instead, I vow to extend no sympathy further than the pity I feel that she's trying to live vicariously through someone like Irulan.

Exiting the club with Carrie, Alton compliments his newfound date. He says he likes that she asked if they could "go talk somewhere else." Please! What he thinks is sweet is nothing more than a ploy to get invited to see his house. She's not interested in talking to him in a quieter setting, she wants to check out MTV's infamous odd decorating choices. Alton tells Carrie he likes her because she's intelligent, or so he assumes 'cause she's a schoolteacher. Let's not exaggerate her status, Alton. Were she a calculus teacher, I might give her some credit, but instructing remedial counting for first graders is hardly brain surgery. Furthermore, Alton feels it'd be good for him to have a woman that's "not in love with clubs." Oh, right. Carrie's no partier. He just happens to keep running into her at various clubs. Funny how that works.

Bringing Carrie home, Alton asks her to wait a second while he goes to check on how Irulan is doing. Seconds turn into minutes, and finally Carrie comes to the doorway to announce she's leaving. Alas, Alton is ready to return to Carrie, having gotten his erection while sitting on top of Irulan for a bit. He runs to the teacher, explaining he'd be a fool to pass up a sure thing. Actually, he claims he'd be a fool if he only pursued Irulan, but you know the former is what he's really thinking.

As if Carrie didn't look desperate enough in throwing herself at Alton of all people. And then as if she didn't seem even more desperate for throwing herself at Alton after she watched him kiss and cuddle with Irulan while he ignored her. But for her to then act so desperate to tell Alton that she hasn't had sex in a year… that's not just throwing herself, she might as well have taken a breast out of her dress and stuck it in his mouth.

To respond to Carrie's claim of a yearlong celibacy, Alton uses a tone of "that's nothing!" to inform her he hasn't had sex in four and a half months. She says stuff like "wow" and he even seems shocked at himself. Apparently, they seem to think he has topped her (or is about to…), but last I checked, a year is longer than four and a half months. And what are they complaining about anyway? If they're so hard up, I have a little suggestion: prostitutes. And they're actually legal in Vegas, which is more than I can say about some of the cheap labor The Palms employs. Being ever so smooth, Alton tells Carrie "I want to give you some BLEEP tonight." How romantic! Never have I been so confused about an unknown, probably sexual word since RWNY2 Lori sang about working her "tanky." For all we know, he said something entirely innocent, like pineapple. "I want to give you some pineapple tonight!" Because, you know, she looked hungry.

After eating their pineapple, things do turn sexual, though, as they undress and hop into bed. This brings to mind the conversation Alton had with Irulan earlier about being proud he has never engaged in casual sex. And this doesn't classify as casual because he's known her for a full three hours? You might also recall that Alton said if he were to have casual sex, it would put his integrity in question. I'd totally start questioning his ass right now if I felt there was any integrity to contest in the first place.

The sun comes up and Steven and Trishelle can be seen giggling in bed. Initially, I figure they're finding humor in yet another evening of Steven's lackluster sexual stamina, but their focus is on the bed next to them. It's just Alton hanging out. But I mean hanging out. Sleeping naked and uncovered, Alton is exposing what Steven calls the largest penis in the world (not that he was staring or anything) for all his roommates to see. Evidently, the box from Irulan's mom isn't the only "huge package" in the hotel after all. As Steven, Frank, and Trishelle peek to see who the girl is next to him, Steven further comments that Alton is a "gifted young man." I'm surprised this trio didn't take Alton's "gift," wrap it up, and give it to Irulan for her birthday with all of their names on the card.

After waking up, Alton sneaks Carrie out of the loft assuming the roommates are none the wiser. Irulan is busy trying to recover from last night's binge, but she's still feeling shit-faced, and looks every bit of it. (For those of you keeping score at home: Irulan – hung-over, Alton – just plain hung.) She goes to see Alton, hopping on his bed and unknowingly assuming the position that Carrie had just moments before. He kisses her and resolves not to tell Irulan of Carrie because that would be "disrespectful." HA! That, or maybe he realizes she'd be extremely pissed.

Having gotten wind of the previous night's affairs, Arissa pulls Brynn aside to share the news. "Do you know what happened?" she asks. "I don't know anything," replies Brynn. Amen to that, stupid! Arissa tells all, noticeably angry, but I don't see why she has any reason to get upset seeing as it didn't occur in a communal bath or anything.

Steven tells Frank that at this point everyone knows except Irulan. Frank's face is covered in some kind of white cream, in some futile attempt to capture the beauty that has always eluded him. I can't convey to you how ridiculous he looks with that shit on. Meanwhile, Steven talks crap about Alton's behavior, saying how wrong it is for him to be roaming on her birthday. "That's love!" he concludes, in a sarcastic tone. Yeah, I respond. That's love. Woo woo. And who he is to question Alton's actions? Since when is convincing a girl he doesn't truly care for to have daily, unprotected sex with him so honorable? He's telling me that "that's love"? That makes me laugh. Almost as much as Frank's lotion-face.

Having not provided any real drama of her own lately, Brynn resorts to being the instigator yet again and, in the show's second shower conversation, tells Irulan that she saw Frank naked in the confessional. Err, I mean, that Alton had an overnight guest. Irulan acts as if she's okay, but she does warn Alton later to be upfront with her.

Irulan and Brynn go out for lunch, and Irulan rambles the whole time about her relationship with Alton. "I-like-him-a-lot-and-i-really-feel-for-him-but-i-have-a-boyfriend-who-i-really-love-i-really-do-and-i-want-to-be-with-him-forever-and-alton's-special-too-but-i-don't-know-and-i-want-him-to-respect-me-and-there's-no-way-i'll-be-just-another-girl-to-anyone-mark-my-words." Brynn can't get a word in edgewise, not that I imagine she wants to contribute to Irulan's rant anyway. In fact, I've never seen someone with anorexic tendencies so focused on her meal before. She stares intently at her salad, clearly bored by the Irulan. Irulan is obviously not picking up on Brynn's demeanor, or she'd try harder to please her friend… we all know how ornery she can be with a fork in her hand! In the confessional, Brynn says how Alton should have the right to have other relationships since Irulan has Gabe. Wow, that actually… makes sense. Good job, Brynn. Of course, that logic makes sense to everyone. Well, except Irulan, but she's just selfish.

Attempting to cleanse herself of her sins, Irulan calls Gabe and admits to hooking up with Alton. I feel bad for Gabe, and not just for the obvious reason that he's dating the horror known as Irulan. He agrees to an open relationship with his one rule being don't hook up with a roommate, and she does just that anyway. Gabe expresses anger and then says, "but whatever." But whatever – that basically means "I'm not happy, but what can I do about it?" except that Irulan takes it to mean "It's all right, I'm cool with it." "You're being for real?" she coos back, excited that he's fine with it. He said fucking "but whatever," not "I forgive you," damnit! She praises him for being so calm and tells him his understanding is part of the reason she loves him. Uggg. He has yet to say that he understands, but she's putting those words in his mouth regardless. No wonder she loves him: she gets away with everything and speaks for him. It's a wonder why anyone (Gabe or Alton) would put up with all this crap… especially for someone like Irulan! As she demonstrated best earlier in the show:

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