Joe Dirt and the Golden Girls
Joe Millionaire Season 1 - Episode 2

By animalhouse
1/14/2003

What happens to a busload of ooogly girls when they are no longer needed for the reality show Sorority Life? They fly Air France and meet Joe Millionaire.

Last week we met Evan Marriott, a construction worker with an annual income of nineteen thousand dollars. He is a man of modest means, and yet, he arguably has assets. He looks like a caricature of a handsome man. His shoulders are broader, his neck thicker, his dimples deeper and his hair more luxurious than necessary. On the first episode, twenty women traveled to a chateau in France to meet him, the Average Joe of this charade. They were told that he recently inherited fifty-million dollars. That was a lie.

This week's show opens with Paul Hogan, the butler, sitting in front of a fire with a snifter of brandy. He brings us up to date, sounding like he would be equally capable of doing the narration for a tale of Winnie the Pooh. Previously, twelve women were given pearl necklaces, only those women remain for tonight's show. He mentions "Heidi-gate." More about dear Heidi later.

At some point, Evan shows Paul a bag of what he calls his "rag-tag" clothes. The shirts and pants from home are tattered and worn. Paul suggests that Evan stuff the duffle under a chair and gives him a wadded handful of francs to go out and buy a few things, just like with that wide-mouthed prostitute in Pretty Woman. 

At breakfast, Paul announces to the twelve women that the "big date" for the day will take place outside. The women will go somewhere with Joe in groups of four. The first one in called the "Vineyard Date." Joe and the four go to a winery, where they are expected to cut bunches of grapes from the vines and collect them. It is cold and wet out. There is some complaining -- me mostly.

The second date is "The Train Wreck Ride." Katie, MoJo, Amanda and Mandy go with Joe to a train station. They must shovel some of the coal that fuels the train. In this case they have to heave a ceremonial amount into the fire before they are on their way. Later, MoJo takes the advice of a friend back home, and makes the most of her time with Evan by monopolizing his attention. She sits next to him in a club car. The other three sit across from them, looking like the wicked stepmother and two stepsisters ignored at the ball. Although MoJo is no Cinderella, they seethe with jealousy as they watch her share every mundane detail of her life. They wonder why it couldn't be THEM naming every pet from their past, telling their shoe, hat and glove sizes, and explaining each filling in their teeth. In an interview, Amanda calls it "awkward." She is just mad because she is the one that looks like the mom of the bunch.

Finally, Evan notices the row of wallflowers across from him. He asks if they are OK. He may have needed a break from listening to MoJo's unstoppable mouth. She has hesitated to take a breath because that would mean she might lose the floor. Evan insults himself when he tells us that "MoJo will match wits with you." (Or maybe he insults us.) Looking at Amanda and the ugly steps, I have to think that there were slim pickings at casting time. They, and most of the girls, look old and haggard. Maybe it's that the lighting in France is really unflattering, both inside and out.

Evan tells us that he had to work for everything he's got -- which, in his words, isn't much. He wants to see if the girls are in his league -- willing to work for little pay. After seeing Evan's revealing pictures at TheSmokingGun, I wonder if that means the next grueling task for the women will be posing in front of cameras in their swimsuits.

The third excursion is called "This Show is Too Long." They drive to a stable. Tied in front is a horse that was on an episode of Animal Rescue -- or could have been. He looks grungy and thin, and as long in the tooth as some of the lovelies on this show. I really hope that they don't ride him. It's raining again. Did all the dates (aka the work release program) happen in the same afternoon? Evan tells them that they will be cleaning the stables before they ride. Ha! Now I get it. Someone at FOX owed someone in France some cheap labor.

Evan says that the barn doesn't smell so good, and neither does he after a day of work. He thinks it will be a good test for the girls. He then compares the romance level to an "iodine enema." I am so thankful that I don't know if he is talking about a real or made-up thing. They ride the horses at a pace that would be considered slow at the kiddy's pony ride at the fair. They are so bogged down that the horses think that they are out to pasture and stop to graze. That's when Heidi's horse Buttercup "disobeys." It is Heidi's first time on a horse, and she knows what to ask and expect of a horse, I am sure. Can she not forgive a nearly blind, lame and swaybacked nag? Take some of the blame, lady! Heidi cries because her horse is eating grass. Joe helps her down, so she can walk it back to the barn. Buttercup is excused from what may have been a slow parade to the glue factory -- number four on today's to-do list.

Joe remarks that this group is a hard one to talk to as they return to the barn. Heidi gives the girls a thumbs-up and tells them that she doesn't know how they did it. How does a four year old do it? All the horses did was plod and stop. How rough is that? Heidi thinks that she scored points by being lame, and therefore got noticed. (Keep thinking that until tribal council, sweetie.)

Back at the chateau, Heidi tells the women that she has a boyfriend back home. She says that she doesn't want to "look back at forty (next year?) and say that I could have done this." The others think that she might be cheating by possibly taking the place of someone that has better reasons for gold-digging. They want to tattle on her so bad. Who will they speak to? Maybe they speak to the butler because he knows that they are mad. He says of Heidi, "I think she is here to land a man with money, and God help the boyfriend if she does." Later, he uses the word "compunction," a word that neither Joe nor most people had occasion to use. General waa-waa's follow. Mandy talks to the camera with furrowed brow and hooded lids. She is listed as being twenty-five. That is about as true as the love that Joe will find in the French chateau.

This show is officially too long. I have spent enough time with Evan and the Golden Girls for one evening.

It is morning. The girls prep for the necklace ceremony. Heidi complains to the mirror about the bags under her eyes. Cut to Evan. He comments that only a couple of the girls may be "genuine" (ironic choice of words) and not care if he is rich or poor. Paul tells us that he concurs with Evan's choices for the next five. Up in their rooms, the girls try to guess who will be lucky enough to receive a stamp of approval. (Yawwwwn. I want this to end. I will fast forward through some of the drivel.)

The women gather downstairs. Alex McLeod enters the room and prepares them for what is about to happen. Her job is pointless. Paul is doing fine without her. Go stand out in the French rain, Alex. The five that receive gifts tonight will be given "keepsake sapphire necklaces." (I hear, "cheap souvenirs with synthetic, dark-blue stones.") When Alex finally leaves, Paul and Evan enter the room to name the girls that Evan picked. Finding that she was not picked, Heidi does a thing with her eyes, like she can barely stifle rolling them. Her demeanor says "whatever," then her mouth does too. She will be headed back to the dispensable, schmucky boyfriend at home.

Evan wishes the loser chicks well, and leaves the room. Paul tells all of them that they must pack their bags. Some will be going back to the states. The lucky five will accompany Joe Millionaire to Paris that evening to continue the bridal lottery.

The next scene is of Heidi, sitting on the floor, her legs folded under, as she waits near a service entrance. She looks like she should be holding a cup, and asking for spare change. Paul comes to her with a piece of luggage. He asks if it is the bag she is missing. She says that it is not, speaking in sentences that are half English and half French. When Paul leaves to continue the search, she says two things in French. Subtitles tell us that they are "I no have happy" and "You no find bread baggage." Paul tells the camera that it is a shame that she won't be able to spend more time in the country so she can learn the language. I think she should look up, "Va te faire foutre, pouffiasse!"

The show ends with Paul again by the fire. He assures us that he will be awaiting our return. Sorry we can't wish him the same.

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