The Dumb and the Useless
The Real World Season 12: Las Vegas - Episode 22

By CNormGo
2/19/2003

I suppose that last week's episode can be looked at as a reprieve of sorts. Sure, we were subjected to the wholly uninteresting Frank for 30 minutes, but BMP was clearing our collective palate so that we would be prepared for this week. More Irulan and Arissa and Alton -- OH MY!

In true soap opera style, not a dramatic moment is spared as the episode begins with the gang partying at Rain. Irulan has snagged herself a man in the form of Davin, who apparently is Alton's "Homie." Alton's voiceover says, "Davin is my friend and I just talk to him about, like, how much I love this girl and how much she hates me." I'm not counting or anything, but this is approximately the 9th random stranger that Alton has commissioned to be his friend and to listen to the stories about his pathetic life. Irulan proclaims Davin a "hard-bodied little cutie with corn rows" and trips the light fantastic with him. She claims she's not trying to make Alton jealous, and Alton claims not to be jealous, adding that "girls are spiteful like that."

With no ulterior motives whatsoever, Alton sidles up to his good friend Denise. Denise provides an escape from the fast paced and hectic life that Alton normally leads. She might be mute, I haven't decided. Suffice to say she cannot get a word in as Alton talks incessantly about Irulan.

Not one to miss out on any camera time, Arissa tells us she is evolving. This means Dario cannot be her boyfriend anymore. She calls him to tell him stuff about independence and changing and how maybe she needs to be on her own. He sounds bored. Their conversation goes a little like this:

Arissa: I have to go.
Dario: Go then.
A: I will.
D: Fine, then go.
A: I am.
D: Okay, call me tomorrow.
A: Cool.

Then she does what any smart woman needing advice on maintaining healthy relationships would do -- she gathers the brain trust of Steven, Alton and Frank. She tells them she needs to be free and independent. She blabs on and on about space and doing herself first, completely oblivious to the fact that she already has 3,000 miles of space between herself and Dario. After receiving pearls of wisdom from the Divorced Dumbass, the Promiscuous Valley Boy and the Defecating Stalker, she is armed with the tools she needs to discover herself. At least that is what she implied in the confessional, but something tells me we have not heard the last about Arissa and her personal freedom.

Alton is like, not happy. He tells Davin that he needs to holler at him, and they go into the men's room to make out. Oops, my bad. They're not making out. They are just having a discussion that contains some pretty odd body language. Of course, Alton wants to holler about Irulan. He feels, like, betrayed, and he can't even front. But if Davin likes her, then he's all G with it, and he's ready to be the bitch, homie. He won't throw up.

Now, I'm not positive, but I think that exchange was the modern day version of a duel. Alton challenged Davin for the damsel Irulan's hand, and Davin won (from their point of view).

Not one to be spiteful, Alton celebrates his loss by shoving his tongue down Denise's throat. In front of Irulan. Irulan looks pissed, and politely asks her date to escort her home. Alton must not be far behind, because now he and Denise are in his bed. Denise is attempting to have a reasonable conversation with Alton, but she is forgetting two things: 1) Alton is incapable of having a reasonable conversation and 2) She is on Alton's playing field, and he always gets the touchdown. Alton tells her that he is SO OVER Irulan, and then leaps out of bed to tell Irulan and Davin to pipe down, or they're going to get it. He grossly overreacts, and Irulan and Davin do not seem at all shaken by the threat. I think they did call it a night, though.

Oh, God. Back to Arissa. <Sigh.> I thought she already broke up with Dario, but here she is, talking about space and freedom again. Dario wants to know what the fuck any of this has to do with him. Arissa acts annoyed that he doesn't want to sit on the phone with her for 5 hours while she embarks on yet another path to self discovery.

Frank appears to bring us up to speed on Arissa's latest drama, just in case we missed the repeated declarations from Arissa that she needs to change. He says he thinks this is the end of it all. If only.

Arissa isn't done commiserating, though. Now she seeks out that well-known sage Irulan, who manages to put her own teenage drama on hold long enough to tell Arissa it's time to move on. I have a feeling that Arissa will not move on and we have not heard the last of her.

Irulan and Davin are spending the night together. Alton is not happy about it, and tells his toothbrush as much. He says friends just don't do that to each other. I'm not sure if he's talking about Irulan, or his new best friend Davin, but I assume it's Irulan. Now, I hate to keep pointing out the obvious, but isn't this the same person who has been squiring the lovely Denise about town? I would go into a rant about how hypocritical Alton is, but frankly, I do not have that kind of time.

It's Brynn! How nice of the graphics department to electronically add Brynn to Irulan's bath. Since being thrown out after the fork incident, it's been a fun game looking for Brynn in each episode. Kind of like a "Where's Waldo" for the new millennium. One repeat of Brynn's same ol' generic confessional scene and we've got our Brynn fix for the week. Thanks, BMP!

Denise and Alton are saying goodbye. Seems Denise is moving to San Diego. Irulan busts in on their special moment and slops sugar all over Denise, bidding her farewell and wishing her luck. Alton knows bullshit when he sees it. He walks Denise to her car and regales her with tales of how much Irulan hates him. I think I speak for everyone here when I say she isn't the only one. Denise listens politely and gets into her car. As she drives off into the sunset, Alton tells us he is ready to move on. Lord.

She's like a bad penny. Arissa appears before us now, and this time she brought reinforcements. Her homie, Taisha, has come for a visit. Taisha keeps it raw, according to Arissa. She basically gives Arissa the green light on the big breakup. Then she mysteriously disappears. I don't want to accuse, but I haven't seen Frank since his ominous "this could be the end of it all" comment earlier in the episode.

Oh, good grief. Can we please go ONE FUCKING WEEK without the epiphanies of Stupid Steve? He tells Arissa about auras and positivity, and for the one millionth time I wonder, "Why do people listen to him?"

Either this show is extremely inconsistent, or I've had too much coffee, but we've jumped over to Irulan and Davin again. This time, Irulan thinks they should cool it. She just wants to be friends. I think it's cute that Irulan still thinks all boys who have sex with you are in love with you. Precious. Davin looks relieved.

With Davin out of the way, we can completely concentrate on the Alton and Irulan conversation. It was a stupid conversation. I hope one of them smothers the other with a pillow in their sleep.

Next week: Trashelle puts another notch in her bedpost, rendering it firewood. Franks offers to be her wedding coordinator. Steven runs his mouth. A prize will be given to the first person that can correctly identify which scene Brynn will appear in.

Archive > Television > The Real World > Season 12: Las Vegas

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