NEW YORK, NY (PSN) -- The cast of Celebrity Boot Camp has been deployed to Iraq. Though the ten participants had believed they were only signing up for a weeklong taping of the show, a clause in their contracts required them to serve in the military should America go to war in the following two years.
"To be honest, I didn't even read the contract," admitted The Brady Bunch's Barry Williams. "I just really wanted to be on TV again, so I signed it without a second thought. I'd fire my agent if I thought anyone else would be willing to represent me."
Bound by contractual obligation with the government and the Fox television network, each celebrity appeared for duty Monday. The group was promptly shipped off to Iraq to work alongside the armed forces.
"I think we're at war now," said 80's pop star Tiffany. "There doesn't seem to be any Iraqi around."
Tiffany expressed trepidation over being expected to fight after having only received a couple days of not-so-rigorous training in front of television cameras. She has been assigned to missile control with Lorenzo Lamas. Lamas received this position, having proven adept at aiming with his infamous laser pointer on the reality show Are You Hot.
"If I should come face to face with Saddam, I have my course of action set," said Lamas. "First, I'd start with his bushy moustache. With oppressive dictators, less is more. Hitler had it down. And his pudgy stomach, I don't even know where to begin. You'd expect someone who's been running from assassination attempts all his life would have better defined abs."
The winner of Celebrity Boot Camp, Coolio, was eager to serve his country.
"Wassup, Iraq!" said Coolio. "I feel pride to do this for America. I'm like Elvis, putting my flourishing music career on hold to meet my responsibilities. I'm a'ight with it 'cause I know my fans'll be waiting for me when I get back."
Adjusting to military life has not been as easy for all of the celebrities. Nikki Schieler Ziering whimpers about the heat, stench and unflattering camouflage outfits.
"I'm a celebrity, get me out of here," moaned Ziering, rubbing the tear-soaked mascara from her face.
Fellow servicewoman Traci Bingham of Baywatch fame is equally distraught over the strenuous work assigned to her troop.
"Clean this, watch that… I've never had a job before that's required me to do anything beyond showing my cleavage," said Bingham.
"In this war for freedom, casualties are to be expected," said Marine Corps drill instructor Tony Rosenbum. "We can only hope that Kato Kaelin and Married With Children's David Faustino are among the dead instead of our honorable soldiers."
After less than twenty-four hours in Iraq, a casualty did appear to reach the Boot Camp troop when former Milli Vanilli member Fabrice Morvan was awarded the Purple Heart. The medal was quickly revoked, however, when it came to light that Morvan had faked his own death.
Due to public outcry in the form of nine die-hard Vitamin C fans, the U.S. Armed Forces does promise to take good care of the reality show contestants.
"Look, we have sent them to war, but it's not as serious as it seems," said Rosenbum. "I mean, they're about as close to being real soldiers as they are to being real celebrities."
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