Carmen Rasmusen will win AI2
American Idol Season 2 - Carmen

By tribias
3/13/2003

I have never been to Bountiful. I have never been interested in the entire state of Utah. I barely noticed when the Jazz advanced to the NBA finals back in the 90s (I don't like basketball). However, having spent two glorious days in Navoo, Illinois, I can't help but feel as though I know Carmen Rasmusen. Perhaps it is the stories of the visions of Joseph Smith, the senseless persecution, the prairie diamond, and the blue cheese, but there is something rustic and wholesome and pure about Carmen that in these troubled times makes me want to put her up on a pedestal for the entire Muslim world and say... you see this?... this is America. This is music. This is art. This is our American Idol 2. Hide this from your sight shall we? I thought not.

Where will we be when the 21,000 pound bombs start dropping all over French investment interests in Iraq? We will be curled up with a nice bag of microwave popcorn or a pepperoni pizza with cheese in the crust and cheddar baked on top of the crust. We will be licking the icing from our cinnasticks. We will be drinking from our one liter bottles of diet soda with no concern about bacteria hidden in the condensation on the rim... and why? Because we have had talents like Kelly Clarkson, Ricky Smith, and if we need to bring out the big guns and completely redefine the entire world's conceptual frame... we will bring out Carmen fucking Rasmusen. You don't want this trouble world, so just lie back and do what it is this country tells you to do... and like it ...because in the end, it is for your own good. You'd know that if you weren't Neolithic heathens.

In moments of weakness, I thought, perhaps France is right. America has lost its way... my world descended into grayness and my sensibilities became numb. I pissed myself and prepared to die. Baby don't fear the reaper. Now, I grant you, it could have been the sixteen shots of Goldshlager I had in the course of one hour, but I thought that I either heard the voice of God or that of that of Christina Aguilera being pleasured anally by Jay Leno. When my bleary eyes settled on the television screen, I cried because there was still so much beauty in the world. That beauty? Carmen Rasmusen.

How many times have we heard that you can't hurry love? Well, hurry it all you want, because it's here and it is Carmen. I haven't been this excited for Hollywood since Ginger Lynn Allen went into legitimate film making. This girl has something special. She has that star quality that only comes around every two to three weeks and settles on a performer like a spotlight. A homing beacon in the fog of mediocrity. Crueler people have suggested that she lacks talent. They have suggested that her utter defiance of the musical scale isn't revolutionary, but just a lack of talent. These are people that quote Derrida in Starbucks and miss being in college. They envy Simon and criticize him at the same time. I am not those people. I don't wonder why Simon loves Carmen Rasmusen, I know why. It is because he is a modern day Zeitgeist sent to rescue pop music and raise it to the level of credibility previously reserved for true musical geniuses that will stand the test of time: Air Supply, Foreigner, Asia, MC Hammer, Duran Duran, Bob Seger, Glenn Danzig and Johnny Cash. Perhaps it will help everyone else to consider him her own John Derek. World, meet Carmen Rasmusen.

Although it hurts me terribly to mention this, there is a dark side to all this celebration. Light has its darkness. From the darkest soil, springs the brightest flower... and from the utter pile of green smelly dogshit called American Idol 2: Still Waiting for Moses we have Carmen Rasmusen, a one woman indictment of the music industry. In our society, it is a sad fact that commercial, conventional performers with straight-to-radio ditties like Jill Scott, Radiohead, Iced Earth and Norah Jones are out there wiping their asses with fists of twenties. Meanwhile, true artists like Ms. Carmen Rasmusen are resigned to having to whore themselves on network television by dressing in black leather boots and black dresses and sporting eye makeup that reminds one of crack whores mourning the rehab of Charlie Sheen.

I know that there are those who haven't really "experienced" Carmen Rasmusen; there are "doubters." I confess that I have since reviewed my tape of American Idol so I could listen to it sober, just to make sure my self-preservation instincts weren't elevating Ms. Rasmusen's sound in an effort to provide me a reason to live. What I learned the second-time through is I am not good at anything. I can't write. I can't sing. I can't listen. I am one of the twenty percent of Americans that will admit to being a below average driver. I am humbled by the fact that my limited public education/Channel One vocabulary has been exposed by my inability to summon the language to properly praise Carmen Rasmusen. So much so, I have wondered if I have fallen victim to a voodoo curse from Road Ruler Ayanna. I checked Ms. Rasmusen's background to see if she was somehow linked to the Church of Scientology. Despite ample research into these and many other areas, I found nothing. Carmen Rasmusen really is just that damn good.

Possible Spoiler...
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I am going to spoil this show for everyone else right now. Carmen Rasmusen is going to win American Idol 2. She is going to be for Utah what little Britney Spears tried to be for Louisiana. She will eclipse what Elvis was to Memphis. She will cast a shadow over what Carl Sandburg is to Galesburg, Illinois. I personally look forward to the years ahead when generations of my family are going to be touring her house and discussing with locals as to whether the salamander letters were really bullshite written by a car-bombing forger, or merely a misinterpreted prophesy of Carmen Rasmusen's arrival on the music scene. March 17, 2003 is going to be a date when America conquered the world; not with massive simultaneous bombings and remote control drone planes, but with the strength of love and the voice of its ambassador Carmen Rasmusen. Hope indeed springs eternal, and tomorrow looks better than today. Carmen Rasmusen has provided the world with meaning and peace a champion.

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