Is That an Ion Lifesaver in Your Speedo Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
RW/RR Challenge Season 06 - Battle of the Suckses - Episode 15

By Kvm711
4/15/2003

Tonight's event is called "HUMAN AQUARIUM," a fitting mission, seeing as these attention whores have already subjected themselves to living in a metaphorical fishbowl. Each contestant must remain completely submerged in a tank except for one hand with which to hold a snorkel and their knees to clutch a cup with a fish in it. As if that wasn't riveting enough, every five minutes a new sea creature will be added to the tank as a scare tactic. Hey, MTV, Fear Factor called. They want their lame mission ideas back.

Johnny Noseley (our host with the big honker) sounds an air-horn and the twelve remaining whores immerse themselves. Melissa immediately begins to choke on the water and quits not a full thirty seconds into it.

Shortly after Melissa's demise, Emily is the next eliminated. But, as is her style, she has to be all pissy about it. In her rage, she throws the cup out of the tank. Need I remind you, there's a fish in that cup, so basically she has hurled that poor fishy out of the water, leaving it for dead. We can only hope that Jon Murray had a heart (don't laugh!) and rescued it from the sidelines.

Seriously though, this fish issue is upsetting me. What did the fish ever do to Emily? As if I didn't feel sorry enough for that fish having to spend time between Emily's legs. Hell, I feel sorry for James having to endure such a fate as well, until I remember that he doesn't deserve anything better than Emily, anyway.

What's worse is that no one even makes a point to chastise Emily for this behavior. Emily can screw Rachel and fuck over Veronica all she wants for all I care. But to bring the poor defenseless fish into this, that's just not acceptable. Unlike Veronica and Rachel, the fish is at least respectable. I'm tempted to call PETA so that they'll go crazy on her ass. If anyone merits the idiotic rage of PETA, it's Emily. And while I'm at it, maybe I should notify PETA about the absurd amount of fur Jamie always insists on wearing. (I question including this joke about his chest hair, because I give him some credit for not shaving his tits like all the other "men" on his team, but I'll be damned if he's not furrier than your average bear.)

Due to his inflated sense of self-worth, Colin can't help but rise to the surface and get eliminated. If only he were able to sink as fast as his book sales, he might have had a shot at winning this mission. Following Colin's lead, Lori and Ellen are similarly knocked out of the game.

It's been five minutes and it's time for our first sea creature! Sea urchins are poured atop each contestant, which Ruthie is fine with because, as she explains, they're "harmless unless they sting you." I suppose the same is true of crocodiles, unless, of course, they bite. Clearly, Genesis is not as kosher with the idea as Ruthie, because she screams and leaves as soon as the urchins touch her. Genesis's resignation leaves Ruthie as the last women standing, which is quite a contrast from her season in Hawaii when she was always the first one sprawled on the floor. Ruthie doesn't last for long, however, as the judge calls her out for letting her head break the surface.

Mark is tapped out next. Can we pause for a moment to talk about what a massive tool Mark is? If he were any more of a tool, he'd have a drill bit coming out of his head. Not only has he participated in every Road Rules extra-curricular event possible, but he's continued to do so even after becoming eligible for senior citizen discounts. Moreover, he always serves as narrator, reading BMP's cue cards so that they can form a somewhat cohesive storyline. It seems anytime they need someone to explain the rules of the game or tell who is left remaining or what will happen if so and so should lose today, Mark is the go-to guy. Abso-fucking-lutely pathetic. Why not just father Mary-Ellis's child?

And there goes Mark, spouting on about how Jamie and Antoine are still in the tank with Shane and James, who both desperately need to win. Sigh… I can hear the sound of the drill bit whirring now.

Jamie, channeling his Nature Sensei days, goes about naming his sea urchins "Sebastian, Ken, and Wilbur" to amuse himself. I'm left wondering if it's safe to be stoned and underwater simultaneously. Luckily for Jamie, new friends are added to the tank in the form of sea cucumbers. Lori points out that Jamie has his hand down his Speedo, to which someone insists that it's a protective measure so that nothing will bite it. Well, there's that, or maybe he can't stop thinking about how cute Wilbur is.

Lobsters are the next marine life added, followed by shrimp and Coral from RWNY2. Although all prove pesky, particularly the last addition, all four remaining guys refuse to quit. Johnny soon adds real life crabs to the tank that had managed to be crab-free for nearly half an hour after Emily quit with her attitude and Ruthie exited with her genitals. As a final threat, brown sea urchins, which are different from sea urchins only in the sense that they fulfill BMP's obligatory racial quota, are tossed into the mix. Mark adds a little, "oooo, brown sea urchins!" comment. For goodness sakes, just shut up.

Eventually, Jamie's snorkel starts to leak and he's forced to discontinue the mission. He regrets leaving the tank, because he insists all the creatures were "one big happy family down there." Jamie – you shut up, too.

After being submerged for three hours, the others cheer on James, Antoine, and Shane. Mark yells to Antoine to "do it for the motherland." I was thinking the mother ship, actually. Shane and James each vow not to leave until the other one does. Clips of Ellen and Johnny yawning are shown, mirroring my own boredom. Is this ever going to be over?

At least Antoine is entertaining himself, attempting to hit on the female judges for this competition by speaking through his snorkel. The judge seems fairly disinterested, much like the viewing audience at home, but manages to smile and point at his crotch and say, "Nice boner… I like it."

Oddly, the word boner is bleeped out. Since when can't you say boner on television? For crying out loud (something I generally do while watching this show), that was the name of Mike Seaver's best friend on Growing Pains!

Colin cuts in to do a Mastercard parody, finally saying that having the judge say, "Nice boner" was "priceless." Oh, that Colin, his cleverness slays me. I've got one for him:

Shaving cream used on private parts for Real World audition tape: $3
Taxi ride to MTV studios for call-backs: $29
Loss of dignity after being immortalized on television in a relationship with Amaya: Priceless

Finally, Shane realizes it's pointless for him to compete so hard for a ski trip to a place called Beaver Creek, so he gets out of the tank. Emily shouts to James to keep going before turning and "kindly" telling Shane he did a good job. Bitch! I want to shove her head back into that tank and hold her there ‘til she falls limp.

Meanwhile, Antoine can sense that James is struggling from the way Emily has to constantly keep him motivated. He decides to keep laughing and fooling around to piss James off, which it eventually does, and James quits in frustration, also throwing his fish cup. He and Emily are so perfect for each other.

At the others' urging, Antoine finally comes out. The first thing he asks after catching his breath is "how's my fish?" checking between his knees. Now that's sweet. He then proceeds to pick up his prizes: the Ayanna Lifesaver and the female judge. The girl contestants rub him down with towels and give the judge ample time to flee.

Genesis goes to the scoreboard and says, "Genesis is in last in points, she's going home." Genesis is also talking in third person. Kvm711 doesn't like that.

When the Male Inner Circle realizes the dilemma, they are left speechless. Through a small opening in his thick beard, Jamie utters something about always knowing a tie would occur. Congratulations, Jamie. You truly are omniscient. Perhaps you really are Jesus after all! If that's the case, then tickle me Jewish, ‘cause I do not believe him or any of the bullshit he spouts.

"It's a hard one," comments James on the decision. Indeed. And that's the second one of the night if you count Antoine's incident in the tank earlier.

At the suggestion of tossing a coin, James freaks out, insisting that there's no way he'd win that. Perhaps it's time to give James a little lesson in probability. On second thought, he hasn't eluded his "dude!" phase yet, so maybe we should just work on one thing at a time. If James were smart, he'd know to place his bet on heads and go for it. You always get more head than tail. Or at least that's what I've found from personal experience, anyway.

James tells the Inner Circle that they should pick him because he's better and that he knows they will make the right decision. The scenario, as I see it, is that we have two raccoons with rabies wandering in the backyard, and the others must decide which one to shoot first. Is it really worth James getting all worked up about which order he is shot?

Eventually, the Indecisive Circle insists that the Ayanna Lifesaver holder, Antoine, should make the call. Antoine reveals that he could go either way with his decision, putting the odds at 50-50. And this makes him better than flipping a coin how?

It's voting off time. Ruthie dismisses Genesis for the second time. Antoine comes up next and tells everyone that he has made up his mind – Shane will receive the lifesaver. James is gone! But then, is it really worth cheering over the loss of an arrogant fuck over that of a slightly-less arrogant fuck? Why can't they just shoot both raccoons, damnit!

In the end, James assures the guys' team that he doesn't "bear any hard feelings." No, once again, that distinction goes to Antoine – check his pants.

Before Genesis's Exodus, Emily cuts in to reveal she has changed her mind. I knew she had lost it long ago, but changing it was highly unexpected. Apparently, if James is going to leave, she wants to go as well. The girls are flabbergasted. I wouldn't give up 50 cents to spend more time with James, let alone $50,000. And didn't she spend a good month away from James last season when she participated on Battle of the Seasons? What's one week? This is ridiculous.

TO BE CONTINUED… (Unfortunately)

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