Tonight's event is called "HUMAN AQUARIUM," a fitting mission,
seeing as these attention whores have already subjected
themselves to living in a metaphorical fishbowl. Each contestant
must remain completely submerged in a tank except for one hand
with which to hold a snorkel and their knees to clutch a cup
with a fish in it. As if that wasn't riveting enough, every five
minutes a new sea creature will be added to the tank as a scare
tactic. Hey, MTV, Fear Factor called. They want their
lame mission ideas back.
Johnny Noseley (our host with the big honker) sounds an
air-horn and the twelve remaining whores immerse themselves.
Melissa immediately begins to choke on the water and quits not a
full thirty seconds into it.
Shortly after Melissa's demise, Emily is the next eliminated.
But, as is her style, she has to be all pissy about it. In her
rage, she throws the cup out of the tank. Need I remind you,
there's a fish in that cup, so basically she has hurled that
poor fishy out of the water, leaving it for dead. We can only
hope that Jon Murray had a heart (don't laugh!) and rescued it
from the sidelines.
Seriously though, this fish issue is upsetting me. What did
the fish ever do to Emily? As if I didn't feel sorry enough for
that fish having to spend time between Emily's legs. Hell, I
feel sorry for James having to endure such a fate as well, until
I remember that he doesn't deserve anything better than Emily,
What's worse is that no one even makes a point to chastise
Emily for this behavior. Emily can screw Rachel and fuck over
Veronica all she wants for all I care. But to bring the poor
defenseless fish into this, that's just not acceptable. Unlike
Veronica and Rachel, the fish is at least respectable. I'm
tempted to call PETA so that they'll go crazy on her ass. If
anyone merits the idiotic rage of PETA, it's Emily. And while
I'm at it, maybe I should notify PETA about the absurd amount of
fur Jamie always insists on wearing. (I question including this
joke about his chest hair, because I give him some credit for
not shaving his tits like all the other "men" on his team, but
I'll be damned if he's not furrier than your average bear.)
Due to his inflated sense of self-worth, Colin can't help but
rise to the surface and get eliminated. If only he were able to
sink as fast as his book sales, he might have had a shot at
winning this mission. Following Colin's lead, Lori and Ellen are
similarly knocked out of the game.
It's been five minutes and it's time for our first sea
creature! Sea urchins are poured atop each contestant, which
Ruthie is fine with because, as she explains, they're "harmless
unless they sting you." I suppose the same is true of
crocodiles, unless, of course, they bite. Clearly, Genesis is
not as kosher with the idea as Ruthie, because she screams and
leaves as soon as the urchins touch her. Genesis's resignation
leaves Ruthie as the last women standing, which is quite a
contrast from her season in Hawaii when she was always the first
one sprawled on the floor. Ruthie doesn't last for long,
however, as the judge calls her out for letting her head break
Mark is tapped out next. Can we pause for a moment to talk
about what a massive tool Mark is? If he were any more of a
tool, he'd have a drill bit coming out of his head. Not only has
he participated in every Road Rules extra-curricular event
possible, but he's continued to do so even after becoming
eligible for senior citizen discounts. Moreover, he always
serves as narrator, reading BMP's cue cards so that they can
form a somewhat cohesive storyline. It seems anytime they need
someone to explain the rules of the game or tell who is left
remaining or what will happen if so and so should lose today,
Mark is the go-to guy. Abso-fucking-lutely pathetic. Why not
just father Mary-Ellis's child?
And there goes Mark, spouting on about how Jamie and Antoine
are still in the tank with Shane and James, who both desperately
need to win. Sigh… I can hear the sound of the drill bit
Jamie, channeling his Nature Sensei days, goes about naming
his sea urchins "Sebastian, Ken, and Wilbur" to amuse himself.
I'm left wondering if it's safe to be stoned and underwater
simultaneously. Luckily for Jamie, new friends are added to the
tank in the form of sea cucumbers. Lori points out that Jamie
has his hand down his Speedo, to which someone insists that it's
a protective measure so that nothing will bite it. Well, there's
that, or maybe he can't stop thinking about how cute Wilbur is.
Lobsters are the next marine life added, followed by shrimp
and Coral from RWNY2. Although all prove pesky, particularly the
last addition, all four remaining guys refuse to quit. Johnny
soon adds real life crabs to the tank that had managed to be
crab-free for nearly half an hour after Emily quit with her
attitude and Ruthie exited with her genitals. As a final threat,
brown sea urchins, which are different from sea urchins only in
the sense that they fulfill BMP's obligatory racial quota, are
tossed into the mix. Mark adds a little, "oooo, brown sea
urchins!" comment. For goodness sakes, just shut up.
Eventually, Jamie's snorkel starts to leak and he's forced to
discontinue the mission. He regrets leaving the tank, because he
insists all the creatures were "one big happy family down
there." Jamie – you shut up, too.
After being submerged for three hours, the others cheer on
James, Antoine, and Shane. Mark yells to Antoine to "do it for
the motherland." I was thinking the mother ship, actually. Shane
and James each vow not to leave until the other one does. Clips
of Ellen and Johnny yawning are shown, mirroring my own boredom.
Is this ever going to be over?
At least Antoine is entertaining himself, attempting to hit
on the female judges for this competition by speaking through
his snorkel. The judge seems fairly disinterested, much like the
viewing audience at home, but manages to smile and point at his
crotch and say, "Nice boner… I like it."
Oddly, the word boner is bleeped out. Since when can't you
say boner on television? For crying out loud (something I
generally do while watching this show), that was the name of
Mike Seaver's best friend on Growing Pains!
Colin cuts in to do a Mastercard parody, finally saying that
having the judge say, "Nice boner" was "priceless." Oh, that
Colin, his cleverness slays me. I've got one for him:
Shaving cream used on private parts for Real World audition
Taxi ride to MTV studios for call-backs: $29
Loss of dignity after being immortalized on television in a
relationship with Amaya: Priceless
Finally, Shane realizes it's pointless for him to compete so
hard for a ski trip to a place called Beaver Creek, so he gets
out of the tank. Emily shouts to James to keep going before
turning and "kindly" telling Shane he did a good job. Bitch! I
want to shove her head back into that tank and hold her there
‘til she falls limp.
Meanwhile, Antoine can sense that James is struggling from
the way Emily has to constantly keep him motivated. He decides
to keep laughing and fooling around to piss James off, which it
eventually does, and James quits in frustration, also throwing
his fish cup. He and Emily are so perfect for each other.
At the others' urging, Antoine finally comes out. The first
thing he asks after catching his breath is "how's my fish?"
checking between his knees. Now that's sweet. He then proceeds
to pick up his prizes: the Ayanna Lifesaver and the female
judge. The girl contestants rub him down with towels and
give the judge ample time to flee.
Genesis goes to the scoreboard and says, "Genesis is in last
in points, she's going home." Genesis is also talking in third
person. Kvm711 doesn't like that.
When the Male Inner Circle realizes the dilemma, they are
left speechless. Through a small opening in his thick beard,
Jamie utters something about always knowing a tie would occur.
Congratulations, Jamie. You truly are omniscient. Perhaps you
really are Jesus after all! If that's the case, then tickle me
Jewish, ‘cause I do not believe him or any of the bullshit he
"It's a hard one," comments James on the decision. Indeed.
And that's the second one of the night if you count Antoine's
incident in the tank earlier.
At the suggestion of tossing a coin, James freaks out,
insisting that there's no way he'd win that. Perhaps it's time
to give James a little lesson in probability. On second thought,
he hasn't eluded his "dude!" phase yet, so maybe we should just
work on one thing at a time. If James were smart, he'd know to
place his bet on heads and go for it. You always get more head
than tail. Or at least that's what I've found from personal
James tells the Inner Circle that they should pick him
because he's better and that he knows they will make the right
decision. The scenario, as I see it, is that we have two
raccoons with rabies wandering in the backyard, and the others
must decide which one to shoot first. Is it really worth James
getting all worked up about which order he is shot?
Eventually, the Indecisive Circle insists that the Ayanna
Lifesaver holder, Antoine, should make the call. Antoine reveals
that he could go either way with his decision, putting the odds at
50-50. And this makes him better than flipping a coin how?
It's voting off time. Ruthie dismisses Genesis for the second
time. Antoine comes up next and tells everyone that he has made
up his mind – Shane will receive the lifesaver. James is gone!
But then, is it really worth cheering over the loss of an
arrogant fuck over that of a slightly-less arrogant fuck? Why
can't they just shoot both raccoons, damnit!
In the end, James assures the guys' team that he doesn't "bear any hard feelings." No, once again, that distinction goes
to Antoine – check his pants.
Before Genesis's Exodus, Emily cuts in to reveal she has
changed her mind. I knew she had lost it long ago, but changing
it was highly unexpected. Apparently, if James is going to
leave, she wants to go as well. The girls are flabbergasted. I
wouldn't give up 50 cents to spend more time with James, let
alone $50,000. And didn't she spend a good month away from James
last season when she participated on Battle of the Seasons?
What's one week? This is ridiculous.
TO BE CONTINUED… (Unfortunately)
Archive > Television > RW/RR Challenge > Season 06 - Battle of the Suckses