Bonjour, mes amis! This week's episode brings us a healthy dose of
embarrassment (unfortunately its American viewers who are embarrassed, not the
roommates), sex lessons (watch out Dr. Ruth! There's a new expert in town and
she's discovered the TRUTH!), and learning a foreign language (they haven't made
clear exactly which language, but I'm referring to whatever it is that Chris is
The show opens with Leah and Mallory giving Adam his due for the
temper tantrum he threw last week. All it amounted to was Leah flipping Adam the
bird. And she did it in the confessional, not to his face. So I'm not really
sure what it accomplished, but it made her feel better. I like the way BMP
replayed the fight between Adam and Leah. Adam saying, "You don't have an
iceberg's chance in HELL with Ace." Beauty. I think it should be part of the
opening credits. He says it with such flair, such conviction.
Now we've jumped to a night club where the gang is tripping the light
fantastic. Christina tells us that "C.T." is hot and I find myself rewinding the
tape so I can watch the credits again. Who the fuck is C.T.? I soon realize she
means Chris. I won't go into all the reasons why Chris is not hot. What
fascinates me more is the absence of an explanation for this nickname. Who does
this guy think he is, J. Lo?
Back at the house, and Christina has the boys' full attention as she explains
her sexual proclivities. Bruce Lee or Arnold Schwarzenegger? Christina picks
Bruce, hands down. They are aghast. They thought sure she'd pick Arnold. The
bigger, the better and all. And so begins today's lesson in sex. Men only care
about the bleep, she says (I think she means p***y). No one points out
that the bleep IS kind of important, and so Christina takes that as
validation of her theory and continues. It's all about the eggs. See, a guy who
knows how to cook your eggs knows how to do everything else. Who cares about the
bleep when you've got some serious talent in the egg department? She
would break up with a person who's great in bed if they couldn't cook her eggs
to her liking. Why eggs, though? She should set her sights a little higher. I'm
not much of a cook. I can read and follow a recipe, but I'm not terribly
creative (or successful) on my own. But one thing I have NEVER needed a cookbook
for is eggs. It's about the easiest thing to make in the world. When people are
bad cooks, other people describe their inability by proclaiming, "She can't even
fry an egg!" Culturally, eggs are not well respected. The tag line for the egg
campaign was (is?) "Eggs – They're Not as Bad as You Think." Yet this dumbass is
hinging her entire orgasmic future on a dairy product that my nephew refers to
as a snot ball. I can't make fun of her because I feel sorry for her. Poor
thing. I need to find her website so I can write her and tell her two things. 1)
do not underestimate the importance of the bleep and 2) a man who can
make a soufflé, not an egg, is the one who can do "everything else." It'll be my
good deed for the day.
You all remember Clyde, don't you? He's the irrepressible southern lad who
arrived in Paris with a box of kicky hats, and a heart as big as the Georgia
moon. Well, today, the REAL Clyde showed up, and it turns out he's an asshole. As
the gang is on their way to lunch, Clyde begs that they stop at McDonald's.
Nothing doin', says the roomies. They have their hearts set on some Gin-U-Wine
French Kwizeen. The next couple of minutes go like this:
Clyde: "I don't even see anything I want. Ya'll got pork rinds here? How do
you say ‘Moon Pie' in French? Can I git a slice of American cheese on my sammich?
Who ever heard of wine and cheese? Oh, and I need some sweet tea, please. I mean
por favor. Oh, I mean Mercy."
Simon laments the fact that his roomies aren't making much of an effort to
learn the language, which he finds ignorant and a bit rude. I think he's being
More from Clyde: "I miss Wal-Mart. I miss Waffle House. How do you say
unhappy camper in French? I hate French people. I hate French cars. I hate
French weather." All through Clyde's little temper tantrum, he's got Leah and
Mallory on either side of him. They still think he's funny and dreamy and they
never leave his side throughout the entire episode. It's bizarre, and I feel
like I should make up some nickname for them, but I just don't have the energy,
so I'm just going to refer to them as the Three Stooges.
Back to Chris and his crush on "Tina." Okay, I'm not trying to be contrary
here, but exactly who the fuck is Tina? Is that Christina's nickname? I hate
these people, I swear I do. So, Chris talks about how Tina needs lots of
attention. Boy, nothing gets by this guy. He can tell because of the way she
dresses and the way she acts. He doesn't mention her penchant for
camera-fucking, but I'm sure he picked up on that as well. He's a smart one,
that Chris. And I bet he fries a mean egg.
Chris helps Tina get ready for their night out on the town. Clyde brings
Chris a drink and the fun begins. Clyde brags to the camera that he got Chris
drunk and we spend the next few minutes watching Chris make an ass of himself.
They seem to be wandering aimlessly around town, until finally one of the idiots
brings up the bright idea of taking Chris home. Just when you think you're going
to be watching a lighthearted montage of Chris puking, falling down and pissing
on himself, Clyde goes all ugly-American and begins yelling expletives at a
native who was merely trying to do the world a favor by running them over.
"You French bastard!" yells Clyde. Oooh, that one hurt. I'd hate to get into
a name-calling contest with this guy. The whole scene sends Clyde off into
another Paris-hatin' diatribe. His diatribe consists mostly of eloquent phrases
like, "I hate this city" and "I hate French people," but at least there is a
A new day dawns and its time for the roomies to find out what their "job"
will be. Whatever it is, I'm sure Clyde will hate it.
They get to write a travel guide about Paris, which will be geared towards
college students. This is the part of every Real World installment when I get
pissed off. I sit a desk doing bullshit all day and these 7 undeserving morons
get assigned all these sweet tasks and they bitch like they're being asked to
clean toilets at Grand Central Station. And of course, Clyde doesn't disappoint.
He tells his new boss that he isn't a big fan of Paris or the people in it, and
he only loves American culture. That not one person has brought up the fact that
American culture is an amalgamation of many different foreign cultures only
serves to fuel my hate.
Thankfully, one of the bosses basically calls Clyde a putz for his ignorance,
and Clyde agrees that perhaps he's just being bitchy because he isn't used to a
Then all of a sudden, we're listening to Adam tell us that his frustration just
builds up and that's why he screamed at Leah. WTF? He and Clyde agree that Leah
seems to have moved on from the incident, and I am thoroughly confused because
NOW we're back at the house and Chris and Christina are playing pool.
Oh, good grief. Christina is yammering on about eggs again. She tells Chris
that she likes 3 egg whites, with ¼ of the yolk and hot sauce. I have the strong
impression that she just made that little recipe up off the top of her head, but
I'll pretend like I believe her. Christina asks Chris, "How many people do you
think KNOW how I like my eggs?" Well, considering you gave out that info about 4
seconds ago, I'm guessing between 1-2 million, but it could be more, I suppose.
I'm not sure how good Real World ratings are this season. I know that the Osbournes were MTV's highest rated show ever, and it averaged about 5 million.
So I'm thinking the Real World should at least be about half that.
Anyway, Chris asks Christina to make her eggs so he can see how it's done.
She acts coy, "I don't understand. Why would you suggest that I make an egg? Are
you trying to say YOU want to make my eggs right for me to prove that you know
sex is not all about the bleep?"
So off they go to the kitchen. Christina asks, "How long do you think you
need to be with a girl before you know how to cook her eggs?" Now I did not
realize that my egg preference was more closely guarded than my bleep,
but I usually give up the egg info as soon as I am asked. I figure if I am in a
situation where someone wants to cook me breakfast, I am already ahead of the
game. But again Chris pretends he is one of the only souls that know how
Christina likes her eggs, and asks if she'd rather have a great egg or a great
lay. She picks the egg. Oh man. This child needs some serious help.
Off to the French lesson. It is here that we learn that Clyde has actually
been schooled in the French language. As the Three Stooges walk to school, he
explains the nuances of the language. Their teacher is a person who does not
speak English, which apparently gave Clyde a new lease on life. He has declared
that Paris is a WONDERFUL place and he is now a lover of the city. The other two
stooges appropriately ooh and aah, and Clyde is back on top of his game.
Well, it just wouldn't be Real World without a hot tub, but thankfully it's
the last scene. Moe has somehow ditched Larry and Curly and he sits with Chris,
watching as Christina comes into the tub and immediately glues herself to Chris'
lap. Eventually Chris and Christina retire to bed, leaving Clyde alone in the
Vive La France.
Archive > Television > The Real World > Season 13: Paris