Is That An Egg in Your Pocket?
The Real World Season 13: Paris - Episode 3

By CNormGo
6/11/2003

Bonjour, mes amis! This week's episode brings us a healthy dose of embarrassment (unfortunately its American viewers who are embarrassed, not the roommates), sex lessons (watch out Dr. Ruth! There's a new expert in town and she's discovered the TRUTH!), and learning a foreign language (they haven't made clear exactly which language, but I'm referring to whatever it is that Chris is speaking).

The show opens with Leah and Mallory giving Adam his due for the temper tantrum he threw last week. All it amounted to was Leah flipping Adam the bird. And she did it in the confessional, not to his face. So I'm not really sure what it accomplished, but it made her feel better. I like the way BMP replayed the fight between Adam and Leah. Adam saying, "You don't have an iceberg's chance in HELL with Ace." Beauty. I think it should be part of the opening credits. He says it with such flair, such conviction.

Now we've jumped to a night club where the gang is tripping the light fantastic. Christina tells us that "C.T." is hot and I find myself rewinding the tape so I can watch the credits again. Who the fuck is C.T.? I soon realize she means Chris. I won't go into all the reasons why Chris is not hot. What fascinates me more is the absence of an explanation for this nickname. Who does this guy think he is, J. Lo?

Back at the house, and Christina has the boys' full attention as she explains her sexual proclivities. Bruce Lee or Arnold Schwarzenegger? Christina picks Bruce, hands down. They are aghast. They thought sure she'd pick Arnold. The bigger, the better and all. And so begins today's lesson in sex. Men only care about the bleep, she says (I think she means p***y). No one points out that the bleep IS kind of important, and so Christina takes that as validation of her theory and continues. It's all about the eggs. See, a guy who knows how to cook your eggs knows how to do everything else. Who cares about the bleep when you've got some serious talent in the egg department? She would break up with a person who's great in bed if they couldn't cook her eggs to her liking. Why eggs, though? She should set her sights a little higher. I'm not much of a cook. I can read and follow a recipe, but I'm not terribly creative (or successful) on my own. But one thing I have NEVER needed a cookbook for is eggs. It's about the easiest thing to make in the world. When people are bad cooks, other people describe their inability by proclaiming, "She can't even fry an egg!" Culturally, eggs are not well respected. The tag line for the egg campaign was (is?) "Eggs – They're Not as Bad as You Think." Yet this dumbass is hinging her entire orgasmic future on a dairy product that my nephew refers to as a snot ball. I can't make fun of her because I feel sorry for her. Poor thing. I need to find her website so I can write her and tell her two things. 1) do not underestimate the importance of the bleep and 2) a man who can make a soufflé, not an egg, is the one who can do "everything else." It'll be my good deed for the day.

You all remember Clyde, don't you? He's the irrepressible southern lad who arrived in Paris with a box of kicky hats, and a heart as big as the Georgia moon. Well, today, the REAL Clyde showed up, and it turns out he's an asshole. As the gang is on their way to lunch, Clyde begs that they stop at McDonald's. Nothing doin', says the roomies. They have their hearts set on some Gin-U-Wine French Kwizeen. The next couple of minutes go like this:

Clyde: "I don't even see anything I want. Ya'll got pork rinds here? How do you say ‘Moon Pie' in French? Can I git a slice of American cheese on my sammich? Who ever heard of wine and cheese? Oh, and I need some sweet tea, please. I mean por favor. Oh, I mean Mercy."

Simon laments the fact that his roomies aren't making much of an effort to learn the language, which he finds ignorant and a bit rude. I think he's being kind.

More from Clyde: "I miss Wal-Mart. I miss Waffle House. How do you say unhappy camper in French? I hate French people. I hate French cars. I hate French weather." All through Clyde's little temper tantrum, he's got Leah and Mallory on either side of him. They still think he's funny and dreamy and they never leave his side throughout the entire episode. It's bizarre, and I feel like I should make up some nickname for them, but I just don't have the energy, so I'm just going to refer to them as the Three Stooges.

Back to Chris and his crush on "Tina." Okay, I'm not trying to be contrary here, but exactly who the fuck is Tina? Is that Christina's nickname? I hate these people, I swear I do. So, Chris talks about how Tina needs lots of attention. Boy, nothing gets by this guy. He can tell because of the way she dresses and the way she acts. He doesn't mention her penchant for camera-fucking, but I'm sure he picked up on that as well. He's a smart one, that Chris. And I bet he fries a mean egg.

Chris helps Tina get ready for their night out on the town. Clyde brings Chris a drink and the fun begins. Clyde brags to the camera that he got Chris drunk and we spend the next few minutes watching Chris make an ass of himself. They seem to be wandering aimlessly around town, until finally one of the idiots brings up the bright idea of taking Chris home. Just when you think you're going to be watching a lighthearted montage of Chris puking, falling down and pissing on himself, Clyde goes all ugly-American and begins yelling expletives at a native who was merely trying to do the world a favor by running them over.

"You French bastard!" yells Clyde. Oooh, that one hurt. I'd hate to get into a name-calling contest with this guy. The whole scene sends Clyde off into another Paris-hatin' diatribe. His diatribe consists mostly of eloquent phrases like, "I hate this city" and "I hate French people," but at least there is a consistent theme.

A new day dawns and its time for the roomies to find out what their "job" will be. Whatever it is, I'm sure Clyde will hate it.

They get to write a travel guide about Paris, which will be geared towards college students. This is the part of every Real World installment when I get pissed off. I sit a desk doing bullshit all day and these 7 undeserving morons get assigned all these sweet tasks and they bitch like they're being asked to clean toilets at Grand Central Station. And of course, Clyde doesn't disappoint. He tells his new boss that he isn't a big fan of Paris or the people in it, and he only loves American culture. That not one person has brought up the fact that American culture is an amalgamation of many different foreign cultures only serves to fuel my hate.

Thankfully, one of the bosses basically calls Clyde a putz for his ignorance, and Clyde agrees that perhaps he's just being bitchy because he isn't used to a foreign country.

Then all of a sudden, we're listening to Adam tell us that his frustration just builds up and that's why he screamed at Leah. WTF? He and Clyde agree that Leah seems to have moved on from the incident, and I am thoroughly confused because NOW we're back at the house and Chris and Christina are playing pool.

Oh, good grief. Christina is yammering on about eggs again. She tells Chris that she likes 3 egg whites, with ¼ of the yolk and hot sauce. I have the strong impression that she just made that little recipe up off the top of her head, but I'll pretend like I believe her. Christina asks Chris, "How many people do you think KNOW how I like my eggs?" Well, considering you gave out that info about 4 seconds ago, I'm guessing between 1-2 million, but it could be more, I suppose. I'm not sure how good Real World ratings are this season. I know that the Osbournes were MTV's highest rated show ever, and it averaged about 5 million. So I'm thinking the Real World should at least be about half that.

Anyway, Chris asks Christina to make her eggs so he can see how it's done. She acts coy, "I don't understand. Why would you suggest that I make an egg? Are you trying to say YOU want to make my eggs right for me to prove that you know sex is not all about the bleep?"

So off they go to the kitchen. Christina asks, "How long do you think you need to be with a girl before you know how to cook her eggs?" Now I did not realize that my egg preference was more closely guarded than my bleep, but I usually give up the egg info as soon as I am asked. I figure if I am in a situation where someone wants to cook me breakfast, I am already ahead of the game. But again Chris pretends he is one of the only souls that know how Christina likes her eggs, and asks if she'd rather have a great egg or a great lay. She picks the egg. Oh man. This child needs some serious help.

Off to the French lesson. It is here that we learn that Clyde has actually been schooled in the French language. As the Three Stooges walk to school, he explains the nuances of the language. Their teacher is a person who does not speak English, which apparently gave Clyde a new lease on life. He has declared that Paris is a WONDERFUL place and he is now a lover of the city. The other two stooges appropriately ooh and aah, and Clyde is back on top of his game.

Well, it just wouldn't be Real World without a hot tub, but thankfully it's the last scene. Moe has somehow ditched Larry and Curly and he sits with Chris, watching as Christina comes into the tub and immediately glues herself to Chris' lap. Eventually Chris and Christina retire to bed, leaving Clyde alone in the hot tub.

Vive La France.
 

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