Mallory is a Dirty, Dirty Girl
The Real World Season 13: Paris - Episode 9

By Kvm711
7/23/2003

This episode is a total mess, but let's see if we can trudge through it.

At work, Mallory and Christina are struggling to compose pieces for the travel guide. According to Mallory, she has nothing to say about the Memorial de le Deportation. Deportation? At first I get excited, because I figure the French government has finally wised up and forced the Real Worlders into exile, but then I discover it's just a monument.

Mallory continues to moan, saying that she went to the place, but she didn't understand it because everything was written in French. French bastards and their oppressive language. Christina has some brilliant advice, insisting that if she has nothing to say about it, she should write that she has nothing to say about it. Oh boy, this is going to be some great travel guide!

The Memorial de le Deportation.

I went too this place but it did'nt make any sense, so I say don't go to it. There is a lot of French words and stuff that can be wayyyyyyyy confusing. Basicaly I don't have much to say about the place but I do no the Eiffel tower is very tall and is a good spot that you might want to go to instead.

If she had any common sense (and perhaps that's too much to ask,) she'd Google the name of the place. I did, and in less than thirty seconds I learned that it's a memorial devoted to the French victims of Nazi concentration camps during World War II. We never find out what Mallory ends up writing, but I guarantee that somewhere in her blurb she mentions "BYOB."

As if the two didn't look incompetent enough, Mallory and Christina can't figure out how to get out of the office and declare themselves locked in. I realize that "How stupid can you get?" is a rhetorical question, but if it were to have an answer, I think Christina and Mallory would be it. They call home for help, and Leah snottily says that they're just trying to get out of cleaning the house like they had all planned for the evening.

Finally at home, Christina and Mallory have missed the cleaning session, and Leah is pissed. She thinks Mallory is absolutely dirty and doesn't show respect around the house and confronts her about putting her apple core in the candy dish. While Leah can be over the top, this one would gross me out, too. That's just filthy and waste of perfectly good candy! Mallory doesn't take well to this confrontation and feels "publicly humiliated." As if the candy dish incident even registers on the grand scale of public humiliation she brings upon herself for being on the show.

Leah is very excited because Pascual, her younger brother or her "hero," as she calls him, is coming to visit. She gushes about him as if he's the second coming of Christ. Pascual arrives and has eyebrows that rival CT's and looks to be wearing a lot of makeup, which I can only figure might be some kind of tribute to the street mimes of Paris. When Mallory meets Pascual, she immediately falls head over heels for him (not literally, but that would have been nice to watch) even though she knows Leah wouldn't approve. Ace compares Pascual to "Little Ace," which could either mean a younger version of himself or his penis. Either way, I wouldn't take it as a compliment.

On the phone, Mallory gushes to a friend about how cute and mature Pascual is. Funny, I wouldn't have imagined maturity was high on her list of good qualities in a guy seeing as she is crazy (was crazy? these kids are so fickle) for Ace. Of course, her maturity compliment is most likely a justification for their age difference, because it's a little bit disgusting (and not to mention pathetic) for a college girl to pursue a naïve high school sophomore. But hey, even if we do factor in maturity and give Pascual credit for an eighteen year old, considering Mallory acts like she's nineteen going on ten, it only widens the gap between them further.

The next morning, Leah wants to take her brother to some tourist attractions and, more importantly, away from her roommates who all seem to be in heat since Pascual arrived. CT's planning on going in the same direction, so he suggests riding in together. Leah agrees, but rushes off with Pascual and gets on the train before he can catch up. When Pascual naively points out that they forgot to wait for CT, Leah emits an "awww" that is completely insincere. But then again, Leah hasn't been sincere once yet this season, unless you count being sincerely bitchy. Leah sighs that she wishes she could be a "good soul" like her brother, but that she's not. Um, yeah, I think the latter part goes without saying. She even inserts a long dramatic pause

While Paris has oft been called the City of Romance, Leah goes the distance to prove that motto is not just hype by cozying up to her brother. I don't want to jump to conclusions and start making wild accusations for the purpose of writing blood relation jokes, but it's hard not to pick up on the slight hint of "l'inceste" in the air. Perhaps Mallory isn't his biggest corrupting force after all.

In celebration of Pascual's last night in Paris, the housemates all want to go for a night on the town. Well, except for Ace, who seems to have hurt his knee in one of those "my girl lusts for a high school kid and I'm jealous" accidents, or as he puts it, "playing basketball." He tells Leah he'd prefer to just spend some time alone (masturbate), chill out (masturbate), relax (masturbate), and listen to music (masturbate). And then probably masturbate.

Christina prepares Mallory a mixed drink, which she rejects, because she wants her drink like her men, hard and straight. Christina is in awe of how well Mallory can hold her liquor, comparing her to a sailor, but without the seamen semen experience. Meanwhile, I'm in awe of how innocently Mallory can sip her alcohol with a straw. Leave it to the virgin to make downing hard liquor look like she's casually drinking a milkshake at the malt shoppe.

While the others are shaking their asses, Ace is the only one at home to answer Mallory's mom's call. He wastes no time before flirting with her, in an obvious hope that women liking younger boys runs in the family. The scene cuts between clips of Ace and Mom discussing what a good girl Mallory is and Mallory acting plastered on the dance floor. When Mom asks Ace if Mallory and Simon are feeling better, we are treated to a shot of the recovering patients making out, leaving no mystery as to how they both managed to get sick in the first place. They compliment one another on being good kissers as Mallory explains that alcohol makes her friendlier. And in the case of Simon, apparently it makes him forget his sexual orientation.

As usual, however, Mallory wants a piece of everyone, and resumes her chase of Pascual. Unfortunately, Christina is already all over him, which is even more disgusting than his partnering with Mallory, because Christina's gotta be nearly a decade older than him. What is with all the fucking inbreeding between these people? I hate to compliment Adam (seriously, I hate to have to do that, because every time I see him I want to kick the putz in the face), but he seems to be the only one to realize that there are potential dates outside of the chateau. (Then again, maybe they're just too stupid to figure out how to unlock the doors to get out of the house in the first place.) Not that they should take it to the extreme that Adam does by trying to date everybody outside of the chateau, but the rest of them have exhausted every option in the house, to the extent that when a fresh piece of meat, albeit fifteen, enters their home they jump all over him like he's the first male they've seen in years. And the fact that this even appears to apply to Leah as well makes it all the more disturbing.

In short time, Mallory claims her territory, grabbing Christina and demanding he stop flirting with Pascual. Christina flips out, reminding Mallory she already has Ace. But evidently that doesn't matter, 'cause even though she has an Ace in the hole (note: that's the hole, not her hole, she's just not ready for that yet), she wants more. Christina reports this news to Leah, who, as usual, is none to happy.

Leah's infuriation continues when they return home for the night. She doesn't want Mallory to have a crush on her brother because she'll only hurt him. It clearly says a lot about Mallory's character that the advances of a small town virgin concern Leah more than those from a Vegas gal with implants. Leah sums it up by saying that Mallory is simply too "flighty" for Pascual.

And speaking of being flighty and even flights themselves, Leah nearly forgets that she needs to get her brother to the airport. She needs to find a taxi immediately if he's going to catch his plane on time. Frantically calling a cab service, Leah realizes the language barrier is preventing her from obtaining one. She becomes very aggravated because none of these French people understand her English. Those bastards! If only the French schools did a better job of teaching English to all of its students, we wouldn't have this little dilemma of Pascual needing to get to the airport! I know many consider French to be the language of snobs, but if Leah is unable to speak it, I think that pretty much discredits that theory. Eventually, Leah is transferred to someone who can speak English and the cab arrives just in time. This is fortunate for Pascual, because if he were stuck in the chateau for another day, I think all three of the girls would be trying to get him to father their babies.

Adam tells CT that Ace said he loves Mallory. Or as he amends his statement, that he used the words "love" and "Mallory" in the same sentence. Okay, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. For instance, I could say, "I'd love to gouge Mallory's eyes out with a Hello Kitty pencil," or maybe, "I love defecating in Mallory's bed, so that when she wakes up in the morning she has it all over her and she reeks of my poop for the rest of the day because she doesn't shower because the shower is too gross because she never actually cleaned it like she promised Leah she would." In fact, I suspect that what Adam overheard Ace say might actually have been some variation on that second sentence. One can hope, anyway.

Meanwhile, Ace is trying to distance himself from Mallory a bit. Christina reveals to him that Mallory bruised and nearly tore her arm off in a drunken altercation over Pascual. She whimpers that Mallory "ripped her arm like a rag doll," which I would say is an accurate description seeing as she's built like a rag doll (minus the tits) with her flimsy, famished limbs. Afterwards, Ace decides Mallory and Pascual could make a good couple and Mallory might even get to go to prom this year! Ha! I love it when these kids do my job for me.

Mallory returns her mom's call and discusses the problems she's been having with Leah. They both decide that everything is a good learning lesson and Mallory will emerge a better person. Better? Well, I guess it'd be fairly difficult to get any worse. This whole conversation seems very fake and awkward, like they were forcing it for the cameras. As far as weird family relations go, I felt more comfortable watching Leah and her brother snuggling.

Eventually the girls decide it's time to make up, presumably because they want to be able to stand as a united front against the evil CT. Mallory comes clean (not exactly in the way Leah's been hoping for, but it's a start) that she is hurt by the faces Leah makes at her. We all know the looks she's referring to, that one where Leah crinkles her face and squints in a disapproving way. I'm not sure we can really blame Leah for that face though, because I haven't seen her without it for several episodes now. You know how your mom would always say, "If you keep making that face, your face will get stuck that way?" Well, I think this could be one of the times that that has actually happened.

Ultimately, Leah apologizes for her face (a move Adam should consider making, too) and tells Mallory that she has "learned lessons" from her. What? Seriously, what the fuck? Where is all this lesson learning coming from all of the sudden? I don't buy for a second that these kids have learned anything, I think they go around doing whatever they want and then mutter crap about "learning lessons" to avoid receiving blame. And if they're going to be learning something, I think they should be French lessons so that, hmm, I dunno, maybe they could actually communicate with the outside world!!! No, no, no, that suggestion is just far too crazy. They'll just let Paris adapt to them.

Go to hell. Just… just… just go to hell! Learn your lessons there, bitches.

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