The Revolving Door of Whining Complainers
Road Rules Season 12: South Pacific - Episodes 10 and 11

By Kvm711
8/6/2003

Cara likes to complain. If this is news to you, you clearly haven't been watching this show. Lucky you. Dave, for one, can't stand Cara and her complaining… that is until she asks to spend the day alone with him. They go out and share sushi and Dave decides she is "one of the funniest, coolest girls" he knows. Evidently, Dave doesn't know many girls -- and those that he does should feel very insulted. Suddenly Dave and Cara are best friends and Dave feels that Cara merely says what everyone else is thinking. I wonder if Cara has ever said, "Dave is a big pussy." Because, really, it's what everyone else is thinking.

Back at the RV, the team is informed they'll be climbing a glacier for their next mission. Donell asks, "What's a fucking glacier?" Who's never heard of a glacier before? You'd think with his stature, he's at least been compared to one before. But I suppose if it's not on a Wendy's menu, chances are he doesn't know it.

The group has to crawl on various surfaces of ice before nightfall. When Donell tries to slip through a crevice in the ice, Dave compares him to Winnie the Pooh getting his head stuck in a honey tree. This makes for a cute mental image, until I remember that Pooh never wore pants and things just get gross from there.

Donell continues to struggle, unable to even get off the ground to scale an ice slab. Eventually time expires and Donell is responsible for failing the mission. Feel free to insert your own pun here about Donell not pulling his own weight. Now someone must be voted off.

Chris says he intends to vote for Donell because he sucks at the missions. Christena poses the question, "Is it just about the missions? Isn't there more to this?" Christena may have a point. Road Rules is about the children. It's about peace on earth and feeding the homeless! At any rate, Chris is swayed and decides to vote for Cara because Donell has the right kind of attitude, which is absolutely absurd because Donell is an ill-tempered, cynical, non-team-player, "don't treat me like a little boy" panty-wipe. So better put, Chris is swayed and decides to vote for Cara because he wants to get into Christena's pants. Elsewhere, Marybeth and Dave plan to target Donell.

Come voting time, the Rules Fools anticipate a deadlock. The first five votes go according to plan, with only Dave left. He begins to sputter. Crap, this could take a while.

TO BE CONTINUED. Ugg, this is a worse cliffhanger than Donell.

Dave hums and haws for… well, knowing Dave, probably for hours. He's more indecisive than a presidential election. If Dave thinks Donell is Pooh, Dave's totally Piglet -- stuttering, nervous, and a wimp. Finally, Piglet decides to vote off Cara, even though they became "best friends forever" as of yesterday because he doesn't want it to be a tie.

Immediately, Donell bawls and says what "bull shit" this is. The only bull shit is that he gets to stay. Most likely he had this whole outburst planned for when he got voted out and decided to go through with it anyway. Cara comments that she got the "big fat shaft" from her team, which I like to think is some kind of dig at Donell's expense, even though I doubt she's clever enough to think of it. Donell says Cara's departure leaves big shoes to fill. And if it had been Donell who left, his replacement would have some enormous pants to fill.

The next day Dave and Marybeth get drunk and may or may not have had sex. I couldn't care less.

The gang hangs around waiting for their new teammate. Enter Tina. Not to be confused with Christena or Chris. Or Real World's Chris or Christina, who goes by Tina. Five bland personalities and just two names. I'm hoping the grand prize for this whole fucking trip is a Baby Book of Names. Whatever happened to the good old days of M'saada and Pua?

Tina sounds and even looks a little bit like Trading Spaces's Hildi but with less magenta/taupe and more ghetto flavor (not that Hildi's lacking in that area). Immediately the team decides that Tina will get along best with Donell, which seems like wishful thinking on their part in the hopes that if Donell gets a friend, he'll leave the rest of them alone. Tina takes one look and, worse yet, one whiff of the RV and freaks out, insisting that the place is disgusting and she needs things to be clean. Uh oh, just wait 'til she discovers Mary Beth is a dirty whore.

Shortly after Tina arrives, they set off for the next mission. Initially the kids are teased with a cabin with a buffet of meat, bread, and DomiNoGood pizza. This isn't for consumption though; instead they must spend three days outdoors abiding by a "prairie lifestyle." Of course the temptation will remain for someone to quit and go into the cabin to eat, which bothers Donell. I love how the producers set it up so that even when the mission isn't physical, it's still roughest on the fat man.

The tools go about their frontier chores: fetching water and digging a "6 foot hole" for pooping in. Here's a riddle for you: What shares common characteristics with shit and also deserves to be buried six feet under? The cast of Road Rules. Sure, they've done that mission before, but they should do it again… only a bit deader.

While at the brook, Tina initiates a flirtation with Dave. She says, "I don't know what it is, but he's good looking." I know what it is - poor vision on her part. Roughing it inevitably takes a toll on Tina, though, and surprise surprise, Tina cries. All right, who had five minutes? I thought she'd hold out for at least seven.

Knowing that she's immune from the next vote off, Tina pretends to consider going into the cabin and quitting the mission. The others are not amused. Not that it was very funny, but they laugh at Donell's "comic antics," so you'd figure they're easily entertained. At night, the group's apathy toward Tina doesn't stop her from telling them her life story, an obvious attempt to prove she's just as dysfunctional as the others are. She tells them at least a dozen times that she used to live in a trailer, a fact that severely undermines her whole ghetto image. However, it does endear her to the group. Not because she grew up poor, but because of the sudden realization that she's a pitiful Asian girl who wants to be black but is really white trash.

Apparently, there are no Capri Big Pouches on the prairie and the group is starving. Christena explains that they need food or else they'll be cranky. So I guess they haven't been eating this whole season? Despite Tina's protests, Chris opts to kill a chicken for nourishment. Of course, Chris doesn't actually want to kill it, so he slowly whittles at it with a pocketknife. Way to prolong its suffering! He's better off trying to kill the chicken with kindness! Eventually Chris realizes that he might not be employing the most efficient method and brings in an axe to chop off its head and put it out of its misery. If only he'd do us a favor and hack off Donell's fat head while he's at it to put the audience out of its misery as well.

Finally their adventure in frontier-dom is over. Dave calls it the hardest thing he's ever done. It goes without saying that the easiest thing was Marybeth. The team gets to celebrate by entering the cabin and eating the food that, as we've been lead to believe, has been left sitting on the table for three days now. Mmm mmm good! If anyone deserves a meal such as this, it is certainly this crew.

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