Cara likes to complain. If this is news to you, you clearly haven't been
watching this show. Lucky you. Dave, for one, can't stand Cara and her
complaining… that is until she asks to spend the day alone with him. They go out
and share sushi and Dave decides she is "one of the funniest, coolest girls" he
knows. Evidently, Dave doesn't know many girls -- and those that he does should
feel very insulted. Suddenly Dave and Cara are best friends and Dave feels that
Cara merely says what everyone else is thinking. I wonder if Cara has ever said,
"Dave is a big pussy." Because, really, it's what everyone else is thinking.
Back at the RV, the team is informed they'll be climbing a glacier for their
next mission. Donell asks, "What's a fucking glacier?" Who's never heard of a
glacier before? You'd think with his stature, he's at least been compared to one
before. But I suppose if it's not on a Wendy's menu, chances are he doesn't know
The group has to crawl on various surfaces of ice before nightfall. When
Donell tries to slip through a crevice in the ice, Dave compares him to Winnie
the Pooh getting his head stuck in a honey tree. This makes for a cute mental
image, until I remember that Pooh never wore pants and things just get gross
Donell continues to struggle, unable to even get off the ground to scale an
ice slab. Eventually time expires and Donell is responsible for failing the
mission. Feel free to insert your own pun here about Donell not pulling his own
weight. Now someone must be voted off.
Chris says he intends to vote for Donell because he sucks at the missions.
Christena poses the question, "Is it just about the missions? Isn't there more
to this?" Christena may have a point. Road Rules is about the children. It's
about peace on earth and feeding the homeless! At any rate, Chris is swayed and
decides to vote for Cara because Donell has the right kind of attitude, which is
absolutely absurd because Donell is an ill-tempered, cynical, non-team-player,
"don't treat me like a little boy" panty-wipe. So better put, Chris is swayed
and decides to vote for Cara because he wants to get into Christena's pants.
Elsewhere, Marybeth and Dave plan to target Donell.
Come voting time, the Rules Fools anticipate a deadlock. The first five votes
go according to plan, with only Dave left. He begins to sputter. Crap, this
could take a while.
TO BE CONTINUED. Ugg, this is a worse cliffhanger than Donell.
Dave hums and haws for… well, knowing Dave, probably for hours. He's more
indecisive than a presidential election. If Dave thinks Donell is Pooh, Dave's
totally Piglet -- stuttering, nervous, and a wimp. Finally, Piglet decides to
vote off Cara, even though they became "best friends forever" as of yesterday
because he doesn't want it to be a tie.
Immediately, Donell bawls and says what "bull shit" this is. The only bull
shit is that he gets to stay. Most likely he had this whole outburst planned for
when he got voted out and decided to go through with it anyway. Cara comments
that she got the "big fat shaft" from her team, which I like to think is some
kind of dig at Donell's expense, even though I doubt she's clever enough to
think of it. Donell says Cara's departure leaves big shoes to fill. And if it
had been Donell who left, his replacement would have some enormous pants to
The next day Dave and Marybeth get drunk and may or may not have had sex. I
couldn't care less.
The gang hangs around waiting for their new teammate. Enter Tina. Not to be
confused with Christena or Chris. Or Real World's Chris or Christina, who goes
by Tina. Five bland personalities and just two names. I'm hoping the grand prize
for this whole fucking trip is a Baby Book of Names. Whatever happened to the
good old days of M'saada and Pua?
Tina sounds and even looks a little bit like Trading Spaces's Hildi but with
less magenta/taupe and more ghetto flavor (not that Hildi's lacking in that
area). Immediately the team decides that Tina will get along best with Donell,
which seems like wishful thinking on their part in the hopes that if Donell gets
a friend, he'll leave the rest of them alone. Tina takes one look and, worse
yet, one whiff of the RV and freaks out, insisting that the place is disgusting
and she needs things to be clean. Uh oh, just wait 'til she discovers Mary Beth
is a dirty whore.
Shortly after Tina arrives, they set off for the next mission. Initially the
kids are teased with a cabin with a buffet of meat, bread, and DomiNoGood pizza.
This isn't for consumption though; instead they must spend three days outdoors
abiding by a "prairie lifestyle." Of course the temptation will remain for
someone to quit and go into the cabin to eat, which bothers Donell. I love how
the producers set it up so that even when the mission isn't physical, it's still
roughest on the fat man.
The tools go about their frontier chores: fetching water and digging a "6
foot hole" for pooping in. Here's a riddle for you: What shares common
characteristics with shit and also deserves to be buried six feet under? The
cast of Road Rules. Sure, they've done that mission before, but they should do
it again… only a bit deader.
While at the brook, Tina initiates a flirtation with Dave. She says, "I don't
know what it is, but he's good looking." I know what it is - poor vision on her
part. Roughing it inevitably takes a toll on Tina, though, and surprise
surprise, Tina cries. All right, who had five minutes? I thought she'd hold out
for at least seven.
Knowing that she's immune from the next vote off, Tina pretends to consider
going into the cabin and quitting the mission. The others are not amused. Not
that it was very funny, but they laugh at Donell's "comic antics," so you'd
figure they're easily entertained. At night, the group's apathy toward Tina
doesn't stop her from telling them her life story, an obvious attempt to prove
she's just as dysfunctional as the others are. She tells them at least a dozen
times that she used to live in a trailer, a fact that severely undermines her
whole ghetto image. However, it does endear her to the group. Not because she
grew up poor, but because of the sudden realization that she's a pitiful Asian
girl who wants to be black but is really white trash.
Apparently, there are no Capri Big Pouches on the prairie and the group is
starving. Christena explains that they need food or else they'll be cranky. So I
guess they haven't been eating this whole season? Despite Tina's protests, Chris
opts to kill a chicken for nourishment. Of course, Chris doesn't actually want
to kill it, so he slowly whittles at it with a pocketknife. Way to prolong its
suffering! He's better off trying to kill the chicken with kindness! Eventually
Chris realizes that he might not be employing the most efficient method and
brings in an axe to chop off its head and put it out of its misery. If only he'd
do us a favor and hack off Donell's fat head while he's at it to put the
audience out of its misery as well.
Finally their adventure in frontier-dom is over. Dave calls it the hardest
thing he's ever done. It goes without saying that the easiest thing was
Marybeth. The team gets to celebrate by entering the cabin and eating the food
that, as we've been lead to believe, has been left sitting on the table for
three days now. Mmm mmm good! If anyone deserves a meal such as this, it is
certainly this crew.
Archive > Television > Road Rules > Season 12: South Pacific