Leah stars in Florence Chump
The Real World Season 13: Paris - Episode 16

By Blotto
9/17/2003

"Stupid is as stupid does" is the theme of this Italian feast of an episode, in which Leah starts off with some whine, then serves up some cheese, and tops it all off with an Italian sausage. For us viewers, this episode is like a dinner at Olive Garden – you go in with low expectations and still manage to walk away disappointed. When you watch The Real World, life is like a box of Chiclets®: you always know what you're going to get, and it's going to leave a shitty taste in your mouth.

The cast arrives in Florence, and Leah quickly announces her desire for an Italian man. She's in luck! If she can't find a man, there appears to be plenty of nude male statuary she can dry hump. Simon and Leah go shopping while the others go sightseeing. The producers denote this by displaying a picture of Florence, with one arrow pointing to the "Shop-a-holics" and another pointing to the "Shop-a-phobes." It's this sort of creativity and wit that keeps this show fresh after twelve seasons.

Perhaps it's just me, but going to Florence and spending your time shopping sounds like going to Vegas and spending your time at Hoover Dam. But who needs priceless history when you can get good deals on great designers like Versace and Armani and Le Tigre? The Simon/Leah shopping montage is set to techno music, giving me an idea for a new show – Queer Eye for the Dumb Broad.

Later at lunch, Leah dishes about her love life. It seems the only road to Leah's heart requires driving a BMW, Benz, or a Porsche. Her last relationship lasted three years and filled her with happiness and confidence – confidence she has lacked since they broke up. Well of course she felt confident! Dating a guy with a rich daddy that can support your lazy ass that you're stuffing yourself full of chocolates will definitely give you confidence in your future. Now that she needs "intelligence" and "skills," that future doesn't look too bright. Someone sign her up for Cupid 2. I hear that Robert fellow is available. They would make a good couple - and he could whip her ass into shape.

This being romantic Italy, Leah waives her auto-requirement and slums a date with a waiter named Giuseppe. Giuseppe is not quite Michelangelo's David. He looks like the average shlub you'd see bussing tables at a T.G.I.Fridays or a Chuck E Cheese, but stick him in Florence and he becomes Rudolph fucking Valentino. His "cultured European" day likely consists of sleeping past noon, playing Playstation, getting high, and hooking up with clueless tourists like Leah. In many ways, I am envious of Giuseppe. CT doesn't trust the guy, and offers Leah his "sticker," a.k.a. his CONCEALED BLADED WEAPON. Does this guy think Italy is like the Sopranos? With his being a testosterone-fueled, knife-wielding, bad drunk, CT is due for several appearances on The Smoking Gun.

Leah goes on her date sans weapon, and it goes something like this:

Giuseppe: "Would you like something to drink?" (puts his arm around her)
Leah: "Sure." (caresses his hand)
Giuseppe: "What would you like?" (starts licking her ear)
Leah: "What do they have?" (sticks her tongue down his throat)

Those Italian men really are aggressive, but Leah seems to be just the same. Perhaps she has a little Italian in her – and I'm not talking about Giuseppe.

The next night everyone goes to Giuseppe's family restaurant and meets his brother Vicenzo. They are both waiters wearing short ties with Looney Tunes characters on them. Man, those swinging brothers are two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS, searching for young American FOX-ES! CT shows up drunk and causes a ruckus, sort of like a retarded cousin at the family Thanksgiving. Leah is rightfully mortified. How can CT be such a dick? Leah is trying to hook up on national TV with a goofy looking waiter wearing a Bugs Bunny tie, and CT has the nerve to embarrass her!

Afterwards, everyone goes to a club. Leah and Giuseppe take off early for some private amoré, leaving the women of Florence to deal with the drunken stylings of CT, Adam, and Ace. That's about as appetizing as eating cold salami off of Pavarotti's flabby butt cheeks.

That night (post-coital, no doubt) Giuseppe tells Leah he has a girlfriend. That's Italian for "No, I don't, but I have a whole summer of banging dumb American chicks ahead of me and you'll just get in the way." So Leah has been duped all along. She responds to this slap in the face by giving him her phone number and a good-bye make-out. She doesn't care about piddly crap like being lied to and two-timed, she has regained her confidence! And this is the story of How Leah Got Her Groove Back… along with a flaming case of genital herpes.

Next week: Arrivederci Roma! Leah fights with Mallory, CT's knife work gets him a job with the Mafiosi, and the Pope excommunicates Adam for crimes against music.

Archive > Television > The Real World > Season 13: Paris

©1999-2005 PlånetSocks