Rupert phone home
Survivor Season 7: Pearl Islands - Episode 5

By Kvm711
10/20/2003

Prior to the previous tribal council, Jon warned Shawn that Burton would be leaving, forcing him to vote for his BFF (best friend forever!) Upon returning back to camp, Shawn badmouths Burton, insisting that he never liked the guy. His tribemates don't buy it, though, and rightfully so. It's like pretending that you never liked Ace of Base back in the day. Sure, you bought the single and sang along to them on the radio in the car, but now, out of embarrassment, you act like you always thought "The Sign" sucked. There's no need to lie, it was the 90's, music was in an awkward stage … you're forgiven. Meanwhile, Michelle realizes that being the only one not to vote for Burton has left her with a fate worse than a troubled teen looking to Rupert for advice.

Over at Morgan, the tribe members take advantage of their hostage, Rupert, for his strength, and more importantly, his common sense. Rupert's first order of duty is to point out that placing logs in front of their camp will, in fact, NOT stop the ocean. He carefully explains to the dolts that the tide is not only a laundry detergent and that the moon is more than just dropping trou and showing your crack during a challenge.

The eventual consensus is that the camp should be moved back. Given that this task involves work, Osten is against the idea, suggesting they wait until the situation "becomes a problem." Apparently it'll require another near-drowning incident on Osten's part before he concedes that the camp is flooding. Nonetheless, Osten is outnumbered and the shelter is moved despite Osten's whining of whether it has to be done "right this second." Because, you know, the tribe should wait for a more convenient time when Osten isn't so busy lounging in the sand.

At Drake, everyone frets over what secrets Rupert might be revealing to the other tribe. It's not so much the alliance secrets they're worried will slip out, but the personal ones: Jon's alcoholism, Christa's meth habit, and Shawn's teeny-tiny penis.

While Rupert isn't revealing tribal secrets, he is providing them with survival skills. Demonstrating that the spear works by jabbing it into something, Rupert elicits looks of astonishment from Morgan who seem to suddenly get it, except for Tijuana who still displays her usual scrunched-up face of confusion, the same pained face you'd find on someone receiving an enema.

Andrew, the leader who shouldn't be so proud of his "leader" status seeing as his group has accomplished nothing, proves his uselessness by telling Rupert that there are fish in the ocean waiting to be caught by him. Evidently, Andrew can't get off his own ass because his head is firmly inside it. Plus he's incompetent. And incontinent… which I guess just makes for a big mess where he continually shits on his worthless head.

At any rate, Rupert does go fishing with some help from RyanO. Well, by help, I mean hindrance, because RyanO never catches anything and even manages to lose some of Rupert's fish. And when I say "fishing", I mean it as a euphemism for a budding homosexual relationship because that is the obvious subtext. In addition to looking perpetually stoned (what's with the goofy grin and slit eyes?), RyanO seems lovesick as well as he dreamily sighs that Rupert is the "best thing" to ever happen to the Morgan tribe. Not that that's a hard distinction to earn seeing as I can't even recall a "mildly good thing" that's happened for Morgan prior to Rupert.

For today's Reward Challenge, the tribes will be competing for shower supplies. The Challenge involves rowing and diving for submerged puzzle pieces with an additional footrace at the end. Naturally, Rupert kicks ass, and single-handedly wins the reward for Morgan. Drake very much sucks at this challenge, performing so poorly that the highlight on their end is when Shawn inadvertently touches Trish's ass, earning a disturbed look from her. Rupert must now make a decision -- go back with Morgan to enjoy the reward or return with Drake instead. The sappy music plays as Rupert explains to Morgan, "I love you guys, but I want to go home." It's like a scene out of a cheesy movie where the lost alien thanks the group of disappointed kids for their hospitality, but explains that it's time for him to return to his native planet.

Back at camp, Morgan enjoys their reward. While Andrew is willing to admit Rupert played a big role in their victory, he still awards far too much credit to his own tribe's effort. Face it, they did jack shit. They should give credit where credit is due and think of Rupert while showering. I guarantee you won't have to ask RyanO twice. Tijuana kisses the scrub brush, thankful that she can be squeaky clean to match her squeaky voice. Though she acts as if the soap and shampoo are her savior, being dirty is probably the least of her problems. Also, we're treated to a lot of gratuitous shots of Darrah's bare back as she showers. It's no Jenna/Shawna/Heidi breast-scrubbing fiasco, but I suppose it could be erotic if you're into the whole mentally-challenged mortician thing.

Having returned to Drake, Rupert informs his tribe of what Morgan is like, making a point to mention what a worthless lump Osten is. Of course, there aren't enough words in the English language to describe the extent to which he is a worthless lump, unless you're to try on a comparison basis, in which case just one word will suffice - Jon.

Arriving at Drake for the looting portion of the Reward Challenge, Andrew comes looking for food because his tribe can't catch fish… or do anything for that matter. Well, at least not without some help from Rupert, which is exactly what happens as he instructs Andrew to take rice and how much to take of it, to which Andrew obliges. The only way this "looting" would be more pathetic, more Morgan-like if you will, is if Andrew chose to steal back the broken lantern.

Word of the Immunity Challenge reaches the islands and both tribes prepare themselves for the time-honored "Gross Food" challenge. Drake develops a strategy in which Michelle, who admits she has no problems eating anything (hmm, there's gotta be a joke in there somewhere…), will act like she has problems with the food in case there needs to be a tie-breaker. Elsewhere, Rupert continues to develop his own crazy man strategy when he finds an injured snake and decides to keep it as a pet. Honestly, the "crazy man" thing is probably the real deal with Rupert, but if I were on his tribe, I would probably convince myself that it's just his strategy so that I could sleep at night.

On to the Challenge. Jeff will be blending up sea-life and serving it smoothie style. During the game, everything goes as expected, including the usual gagging and "show-your-tongue-'cause-you-finished-it" displays, except for Michelle's performance. Okay, so here's a window… and here's the idea for Michelle to fake gag… and here's Michelle throwing that idea to gag out that window. What? She chugs her drink like she's Tara Reid and finishes with a loud burp and smile of satisfaction. The disgusted look that Sandra shoots back is almost as priceless as last week's "Are you loaded?" comment by Jeff. But Sandra's not the only one giving looks, Jon and Christa look positively shocked that Michelle didn't follow the plan. Their expressions indicate that Michelle better have come down with a sudden case of amnesia or else they'll be doing something to her that will guarantee to give her amnesia after all.

When Darrah and Jon face-off, Jon suggests that they kiss before drinking their disgusting smoothie. So I guess it's people like Jon that are attracted to the mentally-challenged mortician thing… big surprise. Also unsurprising is Darrah's refusal of the kiss and the admission that Jon doesn't have a chance with her. Apparently Darrah has standards, but then again anyone with a fraction of a standard would weed out Jon from the mix.

Since everyone swallows their beverages without vomiting, the competition does come down to a tie-breaker. Drake chooses Darrah to drink, while Morgan opts for Sandra, which seems to come as a surprise to Michelle who did such a terrific job at tricking the Morgan tribe. While Sandra, whose big mouth seems to be present at all times except when it could be useful, chokes on her sardine, Darrah manages to keep her smoothie down. Were she to vomit, it would be the most comprehendible thing to come out of her mouth since arriving in Panama. But since she doesn't, she wins immunity for Morgan.

As Sandra expresses concern over the impending vote at tribal council because she blew the challenge, the rest of Drake directs their blame towards Michelle. Jon calls it a matter of Michelle's ego getting in the way as he gives the camera the finger. His anger, as well of that of the others, is unfounded though, seeing as any one of the five Drake members who followed Michelle in the challenge could have easily enacted the strategy themselves. Perhaps they, too, have larger egos than brain power.

Still, Michelle definitely earns the distinction of biggest idiot. By ignoring the team plan when she knows she's the next to be booted, Michelle proves that college hasn't taught her much in the way of being prudent, but plenty about chugging. However Michelle doesn't go down without a fight, explaining to Rupert what an asset she is as she continually vomits. I was half expecting her to pass off her puking as bulimia to maintain the image of her being physically strong.

At Tribal Council, Jeff rips in on Jon again for his lame answers. Now that Drake is on a losing streak, Jon wants to admit to throwing one to save face and Jeff will have none of it. Michelle manages to get one last crack in when she calls Jeff's speech about not throwing challenges a "load of crap." Although it is truly brainless to dismiss something that leads to her demise as a load of crap, I love Michelle's defiance of Jeff because it really throws him out of his element and pisses him off. Watching Jeff's authority be questioned is like watching Rumpelstiltskin after the woman correctly guesses his name – the mental deterioration is visible.

Rupert, having had his ass kissed the entire game, decides to do some kissing of his own, echoing Jeff's sentiments about not throwing challenges and how he never wanted to do it in the first place. While Rupert may be stronger than the others, smarter than the others, and hairier than the others, he still has no reason to be so self-righteous. It's like being the largest turd in a stable – you're still nothing but a load of crap. And with a vote from that load of crap and of all the others, Michelle, Miss Load-O-Crap herself, is flushed down the toilet.

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