Something Smells Fishy (and It Ain`t Lill`s Uniform)
Survivor Season 7: Pearl Islands - Episode 11

By Blotto
11/28/2003

Tonight's episode allegedly reveals "The Greatest Deception in Survivor History." Rumors of the big lie circulated before the season began, and several potential candidates have emerged. Is Lill's Boy Scout troop really just her 30 cats that she leads on campouts in the garage? Were Tijuana and Darrah really the best picks out of several thousand applicants? Is Jon, like, for real? Now put on those sleuthing caps, Encyclopedia Browns, for tonight we investigate the Mystery of The Big Deception! (For the record, the current holder of "biggest lie" was in Survivor: Africa, episode 9, which was promoted as "A Survivor you don't want to miss". That was a damn, cheap, dirty lie.)

The Balboans return to camp after voting out Rupert, and quickly dissolve into heated accusations and profanity-laced shouting. Not unlike several of your family Thanksgiving dinners. The dark, poorly lit scene is shot in greenish night-vision hues, and you half-expect Paris Hilton to pop-up and answer her cell-phone.

Things get worse when they realize a bucket of fish is missing. Burton and Jon blame Christa and Sandra, while the rest of the dead-weight do nothing as usual. The argument turns into Burton and Jon as The Hardy Boys in "The Case of the Fish-Taking Bitch," and Sandra as Nancy Drew in "No I Di'int Take Your Motherfucking Fish!" It all gets blamed on Christa, who apparently had 30 seconds to plan her scheme, sneak off, dump a bucket of fish away from the camp, and return unnoticed. Like she can devise all that with her unfed, meth-addled brain. Jon says it's the most idiotic, childish thing he's seen. Someone get that boy a mirror.

The next morning, Burton wakes up to a horrible fish smell. Since Rupert is no longer in the camp, he realizes something must be up. He finds the missing fish scattered a few feet from camp. To the camera, Sandra admits to stealing the fish and accidentally dropping them on the ground. Is this the big deception? Stupid dumbass move, yes. Big lie, no.

The luxury challenge is called "Walking the Plank" or "Continuing to beat the Pirate theme into the ground." The contestants are surprised as their loved ones show up to join them. There are several potential "big lies" here, which are highlighted in red-text. Sandra's husband Marcus arrives, as does T's high-school sweetheart, and now "friend," Billy. Burton sees his Mom. Lill falls crying into her husband Lonnie's arms; he tells her to be strong and he's so proud of her. Darrah hugs her boyfriend Bradley and tells him she misses him so much. Christa's dealer fiancé tells her, "We need to get some food in you. Would you like to nibble on my bone? Uh-huh-huh Uh-huh."

Jon's loved one is his buddy Dan, who shows up doing that stupid two-finger thing. They hug and have the following conversation:

Jon: "DUDE!"
Dan: "DUDE!"
Jon: "DUDE!"
Dan: "DUDE!"
Jon: "GRANDMA?"
Dan: "DEAD!"
Jon: (starts crying)

Jon emotionally tells everyone that his sick grandmother passed away. It's the worst reality-show related acting since From Justin to Kelly, yet everyone buys into it (unlike From Justin to Kelly).

The challenge is like the Newlywed Game. Questions are asked about the Survivors, and if the pair's responses match, they get to move someone else a notch down the plank. The loved ones are on the plank, while the unloved ones sit on the beach. This contest was a favorite of the sadistic pirate, Black Bob Eubanks. Here are some of the highlights:

Q: What is your survivor's nickname?
Darrah: "Nubnut". (Nubnut? She must have misspelled "Numbnuts" or misunderstood everyone calling her "Numbnuts". Either way, get it right next time, NUMBNUTS!)

Lill: "Lill"
Lonnie: "Big Lill" (A surefire way to a woman's heart is to give her a nickname with "Big" in it.)

Q: What is your survivor's dream job?
Tijuana: "Teacher"
Billy: "Tijuana work? HAHAHAHA"

Q: What is your survivor's favorite meal?
Christa: "Pizza"
Fiancé: "My Bone. Uh-huh-huh Uh-huh."

Q: What personality trait could cost your survivor from winning?
Darrah: "My kindness"
Bradley: "What personality?"

Due to sympathy for his dead grandma, Jon wins the challenge. He gets to spend 24 hours with his buddy at the camp, while the others go to a separate beach with no shelter or food. Jon thanks everyone and they greet his friend "Thunder D," who he says is a great guy.

Back at camp, Jon and Dan have a good laugh. The whole grandma story was concocted before the show started and she's at home watching Jerry Springer. So this is the big lie? Can't be. This is nothing. I almost used this story to get out of writing this summary. And Jon's such an avid liar, nothing he says should be considered a "big deception." He's like a twisted Pinocchio; every time he says a lie, his fingers grow longer. So instead of discussing the dead grandma, "Thunder" gets "Fairplay" caught up on the rest of the "Let's-give-ourselves-unimaginative-nicknames" gang: Ace, Slick, Meat, and T-bone.

The Immunity Challenge is like Scrabble. The players have to create words of various assigned lengths using the letters from "SURVIVOR PEARL ISLANDS." This game was created by the vicious buccaneer, Long Chuck Woolery. The game begins, and Christa is the first to complete her list:

SPEND
PRISE
ON
DOPE

She's disqualified for misspelling "prize". Jon tries with his list:

ASS
PORN
L O L

He's DQ'ed for using a banned word, then walks away giggling hysterically and waving his two fingers. Burton is the first to enter a legitimate word list and wins immunity. Fortunately, no one sees Lill's scary scribblings:

NO
LOVE
LIL
SAD
DIE
DIE
DIE

But wait! Upon further inspection, Burton spelled "LIAISON" with one "I". He also had the misspellings "PRISONUR", "OPRA", and "VLIORPRSNED". The game is restarted with the remaining players using three new words, "JON LIED DIPSHITS." Darrah wins immunity. Everyone else has to live with losing a puzzle challenge to a friggin' retard.

The pre-TC camp is alive with plotting and scheming. Sandra tries to fill Tijuana's head with anti-Burton thoughts. It's a good idea to fill that empty space with something. Jon wants to save Burton and pushes for voting off T. There are names and promises being thrown around everywhere, and honestly, who gives a shit.

Balboa goes to TC and are grilled in front of jury members Ryan (who's cleaned up well) and Rupert (who hasn't cleaned up at all). Jonny does his two-finger thing, you know, the "F" and the "Y" and everything in between, while Jeff gives him a stare that implies the "F" and the "U" and everything in between. Obvious threat Burton receives two votes, while utter non-threat Tijuana gets 5 votes. Now I understand why these people lost to Darrah at a puzzle challenge. And T was booted on her birthday, no less. Go T! Go T! It's your Birthday!

The important question here is "Where was the big lie?" Oh, now I get it. There was no big lie! We were all deceived into thinking there was a big lie. That, in itself, is the Big Deception! And… wait, now I'm totally confused. My brain has gone all Balboan.

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