Little Whores on the Prairie
The Simple Life Season 1 - Episode 3

By shampoo
12/10/2003

It's an unfair stereotype to classify the citizens of Arkansas as inbred imbeciles. Only two have ever spent time there and that would be Paris and Nicole.

As an interesting coincidence, Zsa Zsa Gabor was married to Paris's great-grandfather, Conrad Hilton. Add to that the fact that Eva Gabor starred in Green Acres. But the really weird connection is Zsa Zsa's guest starring appearance on "Mr. Ed." The theme song to "The Simple Life" ought to go like this:

A whore is a whore to le coeur and core
And nobody likes a skanky whore
Unless of course the guy is getting famous Hilton head

Go right to the whore and see the sore
To see the sore that you'll abhor
She's always on a steady course
Of videos in bed

But just like Mr. Ed, Hilton Head has some competition. This week's episode of "The Simple Life" opens with Paris the Heiress and Nicole the Troll slutting it up at Hog Calls Bar and Grill (which is apropos because they're happier than pigs in mud). Especially Nicole. She's bumping, grinding, and sliding up and down patrons and inanimate objects. "I'm a horny little bitch!" she drunkenly declares. The local boys enjoy the free, live pornography.

Next we see our trashy twosome at St. Mary's Quilting School, where some golden girls are hand-sewing quilts. Paris, who has no concept of self-respect, much less respect for the elderly, yawns and nods off while the women talk about their craft. Nicole attempts to display mock interest and sobriety. "Don't you guys get tired of making squares? What about adding some cigarette burns or graffiti?" Please, Nicole. Like they really want the quilt to resemble your ass. And no, they wouldn't dream of introducing you to their grandsons.

Back at the homestead, Paris whines on the phone to sister Nikki. "Whaaa! They only have one store here! Whaa! They only have one gas station! Whaaaaa! We don't have any credit cards!" I didn't notice any pauses in the conversation so I'm pretty sure no one was actually on the other end.

Before leaving for their new job, Mr. Leding admonishes the girls. "One of the basics of the working life is keeping a job for more than one day." His tone is serious and heartfelt, making the moment one of the most mind-boggling things I've ever seen.

On that note, Paris and Nicole arrive fashionably late to their new jobs at Sonic Burgers. Only the geniuses at Bimbos Making Patties could come up with that one. Once inside, the dynamic divas discover the food warming lamp and begin rapidly switching it off and on to simulate the presence of paparazzi. The photo-op fantasy is short lived however when The Supervisor walks in.

The girls are given the usual pre-requisite hiring paperwork which they roll their eyes at, that is until the supervisor hands them the IRS 1099 forms. "Taxes?! Dependents?! What are taxes???" Here's a hint, brats: when you're born into extreme wealth, don't act like you don't know a loophole from your bunghole. And a word to Sonic: you insist on hairnets yet allow Paris to wear open-toed stilettos? You must think OSHA is a city in Wisconsin.

Assignment 1: Paris takes drive-through orders which gives her a chance to show off her sexy wit by saying "you're hot" to every guy that drives up. Nicole works the milkshake machine. Problem is, she milks it like a back seat hand-job and the soft serve goes everywhere. Next, The Supervisor assigns Paris to car-side delivery. Bar hopping to car hopping — no problem! Trading in her stilettos for roller blades, she crashes the first order into the customer's car, which is amazing since she's been skating through life.

Meanwhile, back on the farm, the Leding family deals with all manner of slop and shit (Paris and Nicole's) which is littering the house. Even the 4-year old is capable of pulling his weight, which is likely more than these bitches combined. The chalkboard with Paris and Nicole's list of chores has been changed to read "why bother?" I am not making this up.

Back at Sonic, The Supervisor changes assignments again. Time for the pampered princesses to climb a ladder and change the marquis to read "1/2 Price Burgers All Day". No one really expects them to do what they were told considering what we've seen so far. I have to admit though, I was really disappointed — not because they changed it to read "1/2 Price Anal Salty Wiener Bugers" (cause I know they're just sending out their sexual desires to every truck that passes by), no, I was disappointed when Paris climbed the ladder in her stilettos and didn't fall to her death. Who knows… we can always hold out for some kind of wood chipper job.

Oh my. The Supervisor is NOT amused. "Paris, hurry! Take down the wiener!" Paris quickly assumes the position and waits for a guy to walk up, but then The Supervisor points at the marquis and they finally catch on.

Thinking she'll teach them a lesson, The Supervisor makes Nicole and Paris dress up in giant limeade costumes and stand on the street to attract customers. Boy, she taught them all right! The gals have a blast shouting obscenities and flipping off people driving by. Then they decide to go to the store across the street and roll around on the floor in their limeade costumes, assuming sexual positions with one another and crashing into aisles of goods. You know, very Norman Rockwell.

Soon thereafter The Angry Supervisor jerks them up and tells them the cost of the gloves which they left in the street will be deducted from their paychecks. Nicole feels sincerely bad about their lewd and disrespectful behavior and surprisingly offers an earnest apology. NOT! As if! It's back to the kitchen for these hothouse orchids, where The Supervisor tells Paris, "I'm gonna let you make some bacon for a while." An excited Paris looks around for her kinky new animal partner but soon realizes that she has to fry strips on the grill. In one of the most shocking moments of the episode, we see Paris actually eat a piece of the fried bacon.

Meanwhile, Nicole's doing her best on the onion ring frying machine. Her charge is simple: separate the onions into rings with a simple popping motion and let them fall on to the conveyor belt. All goes well for about 10 seconds, then she becomes frustrated and begins cramming whole onions into the machine, clogging the conveyor. "This is harder than trying to find a heroin needle in a haystack!" she complains.

So, they end the work-a-day with a $56 check from Sonic. "What do we do with this?" You see, Paris and Nicole have never seen real paper currency, coins, or insignificant checks. They're horrified at having to handle the filthy lucre.

That night at the farm, Pops gives them a heart to heart talk about how they're shaming his family in this small town. The girls listen quietly and apologetically. The sooner they can bullshit their way out of this situation, they sooner they can get dressed up like crack whores and head out to Hog Calls Sports Bar for a night of partying.

Coming up next week on The Simple Life, the girls talk two men into making out with each other in return for sexual favors and emotionally scar a small child at the county fair. Somewhere, Laura Ingalls Wilder is spinning in her grave.

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