A Photodiary
Saddam Captured

By PlånetSocks
12/15/2003

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CAPTURE

'Twas the night before capture, when all through the hole
not a creature was stirring, not even a mole.
The pistol was in his lap, loaded with care,
even though it was sure the infidels never would be there.

Saddam was nestled all snug in the gloom
while visions of microscopic germs danced 'round the room.
And Saddam in his muu-muu and the rats in his beard,
drifted off to sleep, with nothing a'feared.

When up in the hut there arose such a clatter,
Saddam sprang from the floor to see what was the matter.
Down the dirt tumbled, and down the hands came,
And rough voices asked, "Hey, Stinky. What's your name?"

Slowly a head full of wild grey hair
rose out of the dirt into the cold night air.
And what to their wondering eyes should appear,
a slob desperately needing the eye of a queer.

A little old man, so clearly insane
They knew in a moment it must be Hussein.
More rapid than eagles, his cronies had flown,
yet he called them, not realizing he was alone.

"Now Uday! Now Qusay!
Now, Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf!
You knucklehead, come back here,
and let's have a laugh!
Come Michael Jackson! Come Osama!
Satan! Madonna!
Let's crush them, crush them,
crush them all!"

He was dressed all in rags, and all could agree,
they'd never met anyone who smelled so of pee.
The pistol lay untouched, there on his lap
his claims of fighting to the death just so much pap.

His eyes--how like death! His breath, how scary!
His cheeks were like leather, his eyebrows so hairy!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sad little pout.
"The infidels finally put me on shout!"

He was chubby and plump, a right dreadful old twat,
and they laughed when they saw him, they laughed quite a lot.
"Oh laugh all you want! I don't fear you!" But THEN
he was subjected to torment by old CNN.

"Down in a hole," said that bitch Paula Zahn,
"were some spiders, some rats, some dirt and Saddam!"
Wolf Blitzer exclaimed, "He looks like a homeless man!"
"Well, he IS kinda homeless," someone replied with elan.

"Allah preserve me!" Saddam shouted.
"I can endure bombs without fright,
but now I feel like Winona Ryder
being taunted by Entertainment Tonight!"

And I heard him exclaim, as he sold his movie rights,
"See you in Hollywood, when my name is in lights!"

A FAMILY'S LAST HURRAH

A WRITER HOLDS COURT

"...so you see, that's how the character Leona comes to embrace the Buddha's teaching of equanimity in all, attachment to none. And to answer the second part of your question, my biggest influences are Joyce Carol Oates and Raymond Carver.

Ok, they're telling me they need this room, but I would love to meet each one of you here and will be available in the lobby till they kick me out. [Laughs.] Thank you, it's been a gas. [Laughs.] I mean the good kind of gas, not the killing kind. [Laughs.] "

A MOMENTOUS MEETING OF ASSHOLES

A MONUMENT TO A LEADER

(actual quote)

THE UNSINKABLE

"I can assure you that President Saddam Hussein has not been captured. Our initial assessment is that in fact it is the American criminals who are captured by Saddam! I have seen it. Saddam will soon be feasting on the roasted stomach of that midget Bush. It is a certainty. My feelings - as usual - is that Saddam will kill them all."

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