'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CAPTURE
'Twas the night before capture, when all through the hole
not a creature
was stirring, not even a mole.
The pistol was in his lap, loaded with
even though it was sure the infidels never would be there.
Saddam was nestled all snug in the gloom
while visions of microscopic
germs danced 'round the room.
And Saddam in his muu-muu and the rats in his
drifted off to sleep, with nothing a'feared.
When up in the hut there arose such a clatter,
Saddam sprang from the
floor to see what was the matter.
Down the dirt tumbled, and down the hands
And rough voices asked, "Hey, Stinky. What's your name?"
Slowly a head full of wild grey hair
rose out of the dirt into the cold
And what to their wondering eyes should appear,
desperately needing the eye of a queer.
A little old man, so clearly insane
They knew in a moment it must be
More rapid than eagles, his cronies had flown,
yet he called
them, not realizing he was alone.
"Now Uday! Now Qusay!
Now, Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf!
come back here,
and let's have a laugh!
Come Michael Jackson! Come
Let's crush them, crush them,
crush them all!"
He was dressed all in rags, and all could agree,
they'd never met anyone
who smelled so of pee.
The pistol lay untouched, there on his lap
claims of fighting to the death just so much pap.
His eyes--how like death! His breath, how scary!
His cheeks were like
leather, his eyebrows so hairy!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sad
"The infidels finally put me on shout!"
He was chubby and plump, a right dreadful old twat,
and they laughed when
they saw him, they laughed quite a lot.
"Oh laugh all you want! I don't fear
you!" But THEN
he was subjected to torment by old CNN.
"Down in a hole," said that bitch Paula Zahn,
"were some spiders, some
rats, some dirt and Saddam!"
Wolf Blitzer exclaimed, "He looks like a
"Well, he IS kinda homeless," someone replied with elan.
"Allah preserve me!" Saddam shouted.
"I can endure bombs without
but now I feel like Winona Ryder
being taunted by Entertainment
And I heard him exclaim, as he sold his movie rights,
"See you in
Hollywood, when my name is in lights!"
A FAMILY'S LAST HURRAH
A WRITER HOLDS COURT
"...so you see, that's how the character
Leona comes to embrace the Buddha's teaching of equanimity in all, attachment to
none. And to answer the second part of your question, my biggest influences are
Joyce Carol Oates and Raymond Carver.
Ok, they're telling me they need this
room, but I would love to meet each one of you here and will be available in the
lobby till they kick me out. [Laughs.] Thank you, it's been a gas. [Laughs.] I
mean the good kind of gas, not the killing kind. [Laughs.] "
A MOMENTOUS MEETING OF ASSHOLES
A MONUMENT TO A LEADER
"I can assure you that President Saddam
Hussein has not been captured. Our initial assessment is that in fact it is the
American criminals who are captured by Saddam! I have seen it. Saddam will soon
be feasting on the roasted stomach of that midget Bush. It is a certainty. My feelings - as usual
- is that Saddam will kill them all."
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