If You Can`t Take The Heat, Don`t Eat The Fucking Peppers
RW/RR Challenge Season 08 - The Inferno - Episode 4

By JT
2/17/2004

After an interesting new feature during which a narrator summarizes what happened on last week's show, we find Kendall and Holly in their bikinis in a hammock bemoaning the lack of sunshine in Acapulco. This scene only serves to show us that what Kendall lacks in brains, Holly more than makes up for in thighs. Remember back on RR Latin America where everyone was so impressed with Holly's 10-mile-a-day jogging regimen? Looks like the only running Holly's been doing lately is to the dessert table. Kendall then confirms this by referring to Holly as "She-Ra" in an interview.

Meanwhile, in the Real World wing of the house Julie is giving support to Trishelle, who is wearing the same disease-encrusted red tank and short-shorts ensemble she has had on for the past week. They both agree Coral took the voting to a personal level and Julie goes on to say she has "serious issues" with Trishelle going into the Inferno and "more serious issues" with the thought of Coral continuing to manipulate the votes. I think that Julie should be more concerned with her many other "serious issues," starting with the fact that she is an over-competitive psychopath.

But before the Inferno happens, there is one more mission: the creatively titled "Climbing Wall." Each player needs to climb on small wooden blocks up the side of a wall suspended high above the water and affix their team's flag to the top. The team with the fastest collective time banks $10,000 from Chili's, which by now has definitely secured the title of official slop joint of media whores. Mike appears on screen after apparently sticking his finger in an electrical socket and explains that since the fastest time on each team also wins the Aztec Lifesaver, this is a particularly important challenge for Holly and Trishelle.

The competition begins and the first few heats are uneventful, until Julie goes up against Jeremy. Since the teams climb on opposite sides of the wall and Julie cannot attempt to murder Jeremy for the win, she is disqualified after losing her hold and slipping off the blocks twice. As she is lowered back to the ground, she looks into the camera, shrugs and says, "Sorry, guys." Just for shits and giggles, I rewound and replayed this portion over and over again, each time imagining that Julie was apologizing for something that was posted in the "100 Reasons to Hate Mulie" thread from way back when. Mama Stoffer cheating other RWers out of lecture cash? "Sorry, guys." The inexplicable and disturbingly stalkerish crush on M@? "Sorry, guys." Abnormally huge mutant teeth? "Sorry, guys." Failing to kill Veronica a couple weeks ago? "Sorry, guys." Ahhh, nice. But apology not accepted, bitch! Back on the ground, Julie follows this up with another repeat-worthy soundbite, declaring "I'm an idiot." That's the first thing she has ever said on any one of these shows that I have wholeheartedly agreed with.

Veronica then competes against a lumpy red bundle of poop. Oops, sorry, Leah. But that's what she looks like hanging from her harness up there, before promptly getting disqualified. Next, Mallory and Christena, two ladies who have bragged about how athletic they are, barely make it halfway up the wall before getting DQ'ed. Clearly these two can talk the talk but can't walk the walk, or do anything else for that matter, besides look stupid and steal other girls' boyfriends. Yeah, you Mallory!

Meanwhile, Katie is refusing to do the mission, since, as Shane explains, "it doesn't involve smoking or drinking." Shame on you, Katie. I mean, it doesn't involve sucking cock and Trishelle still did it. After a pep talk from Holly, Katie finally agrees to compete and makes it pretty far up the wall before slipping off, gasping for breath the whole time. Even funnier is Coral's disqualification, with nary a spider in sight. After all is said and done, Road Rules takes the mission and the $10,000, while CT and Timmy each win the Aztec Lifesaver. Yawn.

Next is a quick but revealing scene in which Abram and Holly are sitting on the sofa talking about the upcoming Inferno. He is caressing her back and she is eyeing him with a look we have seen before. Yep, the "Watch out, because you are my soulmate" look previously reserved for boring, questionable sexuality Dan. Apparently, given his romp with Veronica and Rachel during the Gauntlet, Abe likes big butts and he cannot lie. He also must have a thing for really bad skin. Holly, it's called Neutrogena, please invest in some and scrub that face of yours.

Meanwhile, back at the Real World, Coral and Trishelle are talking about the real reason Trishelle is going to the Inferno. Trishelle accuses Coral of being manipulative and vindictive and Coral attempts to rationalize her vote by saying "If I said 'fuck you' to you in a club on camera, you wouldn't like me, either." Like the saying goes, "If a whore tells a bitch to fuck off but they aren't in a club and there are no cameras around to record it, does she still get voted off?" Or something like that. Julie tries to add her two cents but is abruptly cut off by Coral. The bickering goes on until Syrus steps in and says that Trishelle needs to get her head together for the Inferno. Confronted by reason, a concept she has no grasp of, Coral storms out of the room, which Julie mistakes for some kind of victory for Trishelle. I want to vote them all into the Inferno at once. But a real inferno, like with flames and heat and death and shit instead of bugs and honey.

Finally, the long-awaited Inferno. Dave Mirra, a.k.a. the stiffest, most boring dude on Earth, explains that the player who consumes the most chili peppers in one hour will win. Despite the chilis being shaped like penises, Trishelle can't get them in her mouth fast enough, and after a half hour has eaten only 2 compared to Holly's 5, prompting her Real World teammates to shout out encouragement. CT screams, "Eat it!" Not the first time Trish has heard that from a meathead. Julie shouts, "Pound 'em, swallow 'em, don't even think!" without realizing that this is already Trishelle's life mantra. Even Coral chimes in with a supportive "Eat the fucking peppers!" Meanwhile, Holly takes a break to tell the camera how each part of her body is on fire, including her neck, lips, back and hands. Too bad she couldn't focus some of that burning on places that could really use it, like the fat on her ass or the pustules on her face. After a strangely artsy-fartsy editing job on the final 5 minutes, including slow motion action, red-tinted screenshots, and a demonic voice-over declaring "There are decisive moments in all of our lives," (Huh?) Holly ends up winning the Inferno, 9 chilis to 4, and Trishelle is headed home to LA and the inevitable appearance on "Simple Life 2: Revenge of the Hayseeds."

Next week: More ridiculous costumes as the gang plays Disco Dominoes and Kendal prepares to drop her panties for the Miz. Sorry, guys!

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