The Little Italian Orgy That Couldn`t
America`s Next Top Model Season 2 - Episode 9

By CheesyBitz
3/18/2004

How long have we waited for America's Next Top Model's "orgy" episode? Hasn't the last week felt like it's purposely spread itself out, just to spite us, keeping the tantalizing TyTy Banks 'n Friends ever out of our reach? But then there was last week's clip job and allegations of a rushed editing of today's penultimate show. TyTy said, "Orgy!" but Standards and Practices told us about material unsuitable for younger children. So with hopes dashed, we soldier on, knowing exactly where this wreck is headed....

As if we could possibly have forgotten a minute of the past episodes, ANTM reminds us that Shandi and her boyfriend are having some "distance" issues, that Yoanna is a gigantic fat monster who immediately wants to leave upon being so characterized, and that the less you think about Camille, the better off you are.

It's wake up time in Milan! Each of the remaining models reminds us how difficult and unfair it is for them to have to get out of bed, but they do it, by gosh! For their dream! There is a brief debate over whether their morning prayers ought to be offered to Saint Patrick or Saint Anthony before the girls step out, prancing tart-like down the streets. Surreally, they pass political graffiti on the squalid streets but keep mugging prettily for the camera. The wackiness only intensifies at the studio of Stephen Fairchild (or as Yoanna says, "STEPHEN FAIRCHILD!!!") who announces that he's going to kiss them. And so the utterly inane tone for the show is set! Hooray!

Mercedes expounds on Fairchild's designs. They are, after all, totally her style -- if, that is, she "could dress Ho Ku-to." The addition of a ringing bell after she says this is to let us know that Mercedes is very, very stupid. The designer lets each of our models select one outfit from his studio and then says vaguely bitchy things about each. Yoanna selects a black skirty/blousy thing, which she immediately declares is too tight. Naturally, this fashion boo-boo exposes about two inches of puffy, pale flesh around her middle. Says our designer, "Yoanna has some problems with her midriff," and the visual itself suddenly makes all the criticisms about Yo-Yo's "body tone" by the ANTM judges perfectly clear. Anyhow, April, Shandi, and Mercedes force Yoanna to sport a sign that says "Do not feed Yoanna, Ogress Queen of Lard City" for the rest of the day. You can't blame them; it really is that bad.

Fairchild gives out 200 euros to each girl to go shopping. Their outfits must reflect "Italian sensuality" somehow. Keep in mind that they have to shop at a flea market. Hmm. We never see them shop, actually, since the crazily edited episode immediately shows us Yoanna phoning some Italian guy (they've met him before? Was he one of the vespa chauffeurs? Ew, gross!) to come over. The girls need some lovin', and reactions shots indicate that Mercedes and Shandi have very little problem with that.

The room is rearranged to resemble a whorehouse/Arthur Murray studio, and the boys appear with doggy bags of food and the cheapest looking wine ever. While Mercedes tells us how fun and hot Italian men are, the fact that il ragazzi hang onto each other on the other side of the room from the ladies reminds me something else about Milanese men. But I'm not saying. I'll give you a hint, though: It has to do with the times when the creepy guest judge with the dog or Nigel, the photographer, talk about their girlfriends. Yeah. Got it yet? Anyhow, the boys ply the models -- hell, even April deigns to play nice! -- with about a half glass of vino, interspersed with clips of Shandi gabbing about her boyfriend, back in juvie hall, somewhere. So, TyTy, foreshadow much?

Using all her girly prowess, Yoanna invites Niccolo back to her room to, you know, check out her MP3 player. No, seriously! It's the equivalent of asking the girl you like to come and play Barbies and it's just weird. "Something clicked," sayeth the fat girl, and she and her ridiculous Italian boy kiss and stuff. Shandi spies on them, and April laughs evilly. Yoanna does imply that Nic is rich, so I can't really blame her so much. Can you?

To the hot tub, sluts! They all jump in (Yoanna remains tastefully and completely clothed, of course), except April, who will only join them after making the most bizarre comments about "these girls" being like "monkeys in a cage. And if you drop big bananas inside, of course they'll tear the peels off." Heard that, sister slag!

April can be very critical sometimes.

But have you noticed that there's not so much sex talk in this orgy? Yeah, I know. Trust me, they showed nothing. A bunch of people in a hot tub. Four people kissing in two distinct pairs. Once in slow motion. With a blue filter. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's stupid! Big-o Italian-o deal-o.

Then there's a commercial break in which we learn that UPN's "Rock Me Baby" is returning in two weeks with guest appearances by Janice Dickinson and Adrienne Curry (remember her?). Is this why there was a parental advisory at the beginning of the hour? Because no one should have to look at Dan Cortese anymore?

Back to the pervo sex-o-rama and the point in the show where April, Mercedes, and Yoanna each tell the camera that they think Shandi is a whore. Plus she has a boyfriend! That slut!

The Italians leave with kisses, exchanged phone numbers, and wearing sport coats with no shirts. (And, girls? They ain't gonna call you, okay, idiots?) Shandi immediately breaks down, hyperventilating and "wanting to die!" Yoanna gives us one of her bizarre and off-topic comments, "Don't let this break your spirit," and the other two stare disdainfully. That Shandi is immediately catatonic for days or something allows April more time to be fussy over others' behavior.

Oh wait! Now they get to go to the flea market. Oh, super! Each tries to follow Fairchild's tepid advice in their purchases, but all seem only to want to out-uglify each other. Shandi is sad! And everyone knows that you shouldn't shop if you're not feeling chipper! I fear for her purchases. Really.

Yoanna tells us that the girls have been told they're going to STEPHEN FAIRCHILD'S!!! villa at Lake Como. To hear La Grossa say this reminds me why everyone hates her: Eyes so wide I think half my living room fell through the apertures, her irritating style of over-enunciation, pronouncing it "Layk Co-MO!" as if she and she alone is privy to the secret of its existence. Or that the rest of us are too stupid to understand the fascinating import of their junket. Upon arrival, Yoanna explains that a lake is something like a body of water surrounded by land.

Shandi's still all blue, and April, of course, comments on it.

Fairchild has a test in which each model must wear her purchases. And let's all hope that they're evocative of the Italian sensuality we've learned so much about in the previous ten minutes. Anyhow, April looks like one of those fashion flip books from the 70's, where you could flip different looks onto the head, body, and legs, formulating a wacky image of, say, a monster wearing a tutu. If that's April's intended look, she nailed it, all right. It's the ultimate double bind outfit: The top screams, "Stay away!" The legs look like something out of Japanese porn. Yoanna idiotically exposes her midriff again, and both she and April sport skinned moncheechees around their necks. Both Mercedes and Shandi go for a more technical approach, explaining exactly why they chose the outfits. "This is to accentuate my legs!" "This is to make me look taller!" In any case, the outfits look like hell, combining pleather jackets and black bottoms. Ick.

Shandi's long black thingy wins the competition -- and she chooses Yoanna to share dinner at Fairchild's villa. Wheeee! Thus, our winners get to sit with some Valentino people and Fairchild's, ahem, "wife," where they talk the boring talk of boring people (Kate Moss is mentioned, twice, to give you an idea as to the high caliber of the convo). Mercedes and April sit at the kids' table in the other room. Ha. Ha.

Tyra Mail appears at dinner telling the girls to be ready the next day. "You've gotten to know each other very well...," it reads, ominously.

Proving that model wannabes from rural Walgreens may not be the smartest people on earth, we watch (in stupefied horror) as Shandi calls her boyfriend. This is verbatim(!):

Eric: "Hey!"
Shandi: "Hi."
Eric: "How ya doin'?"
Shandi: "Not so good."
Eric: "What's wrong?"
Shandi: "I don't know how to start."
Eric: "What'd you do?"
Shandi: (makes high-pitched choky noises)
Eric: "Please tell me what you did. Tell me...!"

If my boyfriend asked me "What I did" within the first ten words of a conversation, I'd cheat on him too. But anyhow, Shandi finishes with "I did the worst possible thing I could do" to which Eric shrieks immediately, "You had sex?!" Shandi might then have said "yeah"(?); but Eric -- or Squeaky, the gayest man on earth, as he shall now be known -- only made some sort of sonic yelping. It was terribly, terribly odd. Is Squeaky the reason my children shouldn't watch this show? Because he might make them gay?

Anyhow, the conversation ends with Squeaky telling Shandi that she's "not Shandi anymore" (how silly! Who is she? Holly Hobby? I don't get it) and that she's "a stupid bitch." Ah, young love! Still, this is the guy that Shanthrax -- not three weeks ago -- disallowed from going to the movies because a girl might be there. Really.

Photo shoot time, starring J. Manuel! Amusingly, he calls them "principesse," which means "princesses," and reminds me of several other, certainly more appropriate, Italian words I learned in my youth. Regardless, the upshot of this aspect of their dream jobs is that Shandi and Yoanna as well as April and Mercedes will team up and pretend to be lesbians to hawk some product. Surely this is not recompense for the axe job done on the orgy?! Geez, TyTy, you sure don't understand your demographic at all, do ya?

All the girls get straight long weaves. From the back, Yoanna looks terrifyingly like Camille; Shandi like the ex-con trollop she is; Mercedes looks, well, dumb; and April could look like anything. I was far too busy listening to April describe, in excruciating detail, her breakdown of the art of looking hot, to notice. J. Manuel demands "sensual, not sleazy." Good luck with that, man! Anyhow, he likes Yoanna, but hates April and Shandi. He says Mercedes "looks lost," thus echoing what everyone else has been saying for months.

Eeee! Time for Tyra! Let's meet her at a "cute" cafe for "capuccinos," says Yoanna, dragging every single syllable out to death. Then Yo-Yo calls her "Tyra Banks" again. Why? I hate that. Tyra insists that she had to go through lesbian-themed shoots all the time -- more, one suspects, for the benefit of the FCC than to destroy what little titillation value this episode has left. Then, for no reason whatsoever, Tyra asks if anyone needs any advice. Well, sure's shootin', Miss Tyra! It turns out your friend Shandi has a problem! She wants to know if TyTy's ever cheated on anyone. Tyra glares back, eyes getting real fierce. Of course, no; never! Still, people have cheated on her -- if you can believe that! There was this one male model in Milan...! Oh, my! But, then, Tyra thinks it's fine for "her man" to flirt, as long as he returns to "do" her. Wow! Not only young love is stupid! Apparently, middle-aged, over-the-hill love is, too! Tyra asks Shandi if Squeaky cheated on her, or the other way around -- as if she didn't have all the other judges go over to her place to laugh at the tapes of this incident and do coke. Ms. Banks goes on and on (but seems strangely asleep) about carnal desires and -- honestly -- this has to be the reason for the parental warning. No one should have to watch this. Ever.

Tyra asks the girls how they've changed recently. Each responds with her own brand of self-deluded lies.

More commercials.... I keep hoping for the models' "Rollitos" spot, but it never comes. Why? Why, God? Anyhow, and briefly (‘cause I don't care), after the break, Squeaks and Shandi talk...and maybe it'll all be okay, after all. Blech.

Yay! It's time for the judging! Janice Dickinson and her face (brought to you by a generous grant from the American Plastics' Council™) look like they're out for blood, and begin by responding to TyTy's introduction in the weirdest Italian accent ever heard. Naturally, she shoves in the fact that she was the world's first supermodel. Tyra is, as usual, dismissive about this. No one has bumped off that "Jane" magazine guy, so he's still there. Tyra refers to Nigel as "sexy," to which he looks like he wants to cry -- it's weird when girls say it to you, isn't it, Nigey? The guest judge is STEPHEN FAIRCHILD!!!, who wants the girls to pretend they're bereft of all clothing except pants and a blue t-shirt. Fortunately they have scissors(?!), but there's an imaginary party to go to, like, now! Whatever to do? So they return shortly, all tramped up to receive individual critiques of their t-shirt cutting powers. Shandi is declared to be "a muse" and told her shoulders are pretty. Janice opines (correctly, as always) that Yoanna has made herself a very nice straight-jacket. April is, in effect, labeled a hoochy slut. All agree that Mercedes is really, really good at manufacturing clothing. It's rather unsettling, leading me to wonder how she spent her childhood free time.

At long last, we get to see their girl-on-girl photos. The judges go into hideous, freakish detail about the images and their subtext. It's only fun, of course, when they say mean things. Duh. Anyhow, they point out that the denuded April and Mercedes look like sisters, as if that's somehow a good thing; comment on April's bossiness, Shandi's legs, and the fact that Yoanna has a nice ass, if not hideous megatons of fat around her middle.

At one point Janice says that Nigel is crazy with such spite that I almost forget this episode was a total bait and switch. Still....

Ha ha! Guess what? April is gone. Apparently she can't "emotionally connect" with the camera. Third runner up gets you nothing, dear. Now get out. Nobody likes you.

April falls apart completely and speaks strangely about how she can never return to "doing what she was doing." I almost feel sympathy, but, then, no one likes a loser. Back to your stupid, tawdry life, April. And grab those donuts from Yoanna on your way out, okay? Super!

Next week: Season finale! And Janice gets a headache. Yay!

Archive > Television > America`s Next Top Model > Season 2

©1999-2005 PlånetSocks