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By Weezie
5/18/2004
This episode opens with Coral doing a very frightening dance number I like to
call "All That Spazz" to celebrate her possession of the Lifesaver disc. Then
she and some of the other girls clink glasses to celebrate the fact that two
women won the Lifesavers, and thus, will still be in the final mission. Hooray
for women! Sisters are doing it for themselves! I hope all women are watching
you tonight, Coral and Veronica! You are truly inspirational! I hope that one
day I, too, will learn to backstab and connive and wheedle and whine my way to
success in lieu of any real talent or effort, all in the name of girl power! You
go, you useless tools!
Meanwhile, Katie engages in her own pre-Inferno ritual, smearing her pits with
what she believes to be Timmy's deodorant. Unfortunately, Katie is unable to
translate the label on the Mexican toiletry, thinking perhaps that "AAAAAIIIII!
MADRE DE DIOS!!! MUY CALIENTE!!!!!!" means "soothing anti-perspirant with
pleasing odor." She runs around the room, pits on fire, blowing into them and
shrieking, "I HATE MEXICO!!!" I guess I could compile a list of things that cost
X amount of dollars, but let's just cut to the chase -- that was priceless.
Now, Coral also has some other things to cross off her to-do list before the
Inferno. She needs to go around the camp lording her Lifesaver over the guys who
voted for her, and reminding them that she, Coral, is the god of life and death
to them, and that some ass-kissing and toe-sucking would not be out of order. I
have, in the past, enjoyed Coral's "samwich"-licking and HolyHolly-mocking and
Julie-bashing. Unfortunately, tonight, she fails to inject sufficient humor into
the situation and I can't help but notice -- what a fucking asshole. She tells
Mike that he pissed her off, and I'm pretty sure she says "Vaya retardo" on the
way out. She tells David that she's going to send him to the Inferno, and he
says okay, and doesn't quite act emotionally crushed enough, so Coral booms, "DO
YOU UNDERSTAND WHY?" Uh, because you're a fucking asshole? Because that stupid
spider didn't finish the job back in Colorado? Because there really isn't any
such thing as karma?
The final Inferno is called "Smell Ya Later," and we see two glass coffins full
of murky water and... really gross fish heads. Abe bravely saunters past, with
an apparent lack of fear that his spiky head and dead, lifeless eyes might cause
him to be thrown in one of the coffins in a tragic case of mistaken identity.
Host Dude informs us that this Inferno will be four hours long. It truly feels
like we've wasted at least three hours suffering through just the introduction;
can that be counted as time served? No?
One can't help but wonder, do the producers keep lengthening these exercises due
to their increasing career-driven bitterness (and therefore, cruel streak)? Or
is it simply because they hope that if they keep adding on hours and hours of
footage, they'll be able to finally scrounge together five minutes of watchable
television? Questions, questions, questions.
Coral and Veronica send in David and Katie in their place, and the pair hop into
their respective fish tanks. Katie picks at the fish lying on her pillow and
gingerly climbs into the tank. David settles in and immediately looks right at
home. The phrase "like a pig in shit" comes to mind. Katie and David lounge in
the fish juice for a while, listening to Coral's pointless taunts and jabs (the
verbal equivalent of rotting fish heads), and then a couple of gallons of
spoiled, rotten egg are poured on them. Katie looks stoic. David looks like that
shit ain't too much diff'rent from his monthly fakkin' bathwatah, man. Why, he's
even got a frothy tropical Girl Drink resting tubside. For fun! Host Dude
helpfully points out that "Puking IS allowed!" as buckets of curdled milk are
poured all over them. This is good, because it means I haven't just broken the
rules five times. The sight of the stankarita is what weakened me, but the sight
of David's fleshy, wrinkled, disintegrating toes pushed me over the edge.
David complains about the sensation of "rotten dairy products" sliding down his
cheeks. "This is my life?" he asks, sadly.
Pop quiz time.
Rate these items 1 - 5, with 1 being the most soul-searching-inducing.
1. You appear on a reality show.
2. You are videotaped screaming, "YOU'RE KILLIN' ME, KIRA!!!!" on said reality
show.
3. Your roommates on said reality show describe, in vivid detail, the
offensiveness of your odors, the sliminess of your kisses, and the deathly funk
of your breath.
4. On said reality show, you describe a young lady as a "glass menagerie," in a
nauseating and somewhat inscrutable reference to her innocence and/or hymen.
5. Someone throws some bad milk on you.
This is your life? Yes. Still.
Next up is some cow tongues and intestines tossed in the tanks, which Katie and
David handle with aplomb. Darrell shouts out, "Watch where you put that tongue,
Katie!" Don't judge. The poor boy has been without his witless piece of ass for
something like 12 hours now. He's a little pent up.
Since both Katie and David have lasted through all four hours, they now must
dunk underwater and hold their breath. Kendal says that Katie has asked her to
knock on the glass when she wins, because otherwise, "She's planning on holding
her breath until she DIES!" Cue the commercials, and a good three minutes of
pure fantasizing. It's entirely possible they could BOTH die, I'm thinking. And
once people notice that there are no more air bubbles, a couple of them could
rush over to try and help, but they slip and crack their skulls on the pavement.
That could happen. And some more of them could become enraged that Host Dude
wasn't paying better attention, and they could strangle him with a bungee, and
then be so overcome with remorse that they throw themselves off a cliff.
Absolutely not impossible. And the few survivors, maybe they stand too close to
a tree at the mass funeral, and there's a lightning storm. Yeah, that's it! "KKKKkkkrrraaaakkkK!"
goes the lightning as it rips through the tree. "KEEEEERAAASH!" goes the giant
tree limb that wipes out all of the survivors. "BOO HOO HOO!" goes me, as the
last commercial ends and everyone's still alive.
Katie's a-shakin' and Katie's a-quakin'. Her team leans forward, licking their
lips and drooling. And then David's head pops out of the water. Kendal only
pauses for about five minutes or so before running over and tapping on the
glass. As Katie climbs out, victorious, Timmy stands there with his mouth
hanging open. He looks like a very sad Rip Van Winkle after being told, "No,
they don't serve sarsaparilla in the saloons anymore. And there's no saloons."
Timmy is an old, old man. Christena stands near the coffins wrinkling her nose
in disgust, but it's unclear whether this is odor-related or Katie-related.
So Katie wins the Inferno and retires to the hotel to squeegee herself off, as
interview clips recap her Veronica hatred. Now, say what you will about Katie,
but she really endears herself to me at this moment. We've been pretty proud of
ourselves over our Veronica-nicknaming abilities. Moronica is pretty funny.
Venearica is a classic. But "Verantula" is genius, man. For the next five
minutes, Katie is my best friend ever ever, and nobody is allowed to say
anything mean about her.
Okay. So Katie gets into a screaming match with Verantula. Well, "match" is kind
of an inappropriate word, since it's basically Katie calling Verantula a
whore/slut/bitch/skank over and over again, while Verantula's mouth hangs open,
catching little Mexican flies. Katie clocks in at about .75 obscenities per
second. It goes kinda like "Fuck you, you whore! Whore! You're a slut, whore
bitch! Yeah! Slut it up some more, whoreslut!" I'd like to recreate the scene
for you verbatim, but it would be pretty lengthy, so I'll just give you the
highlights.
Skank. Bitch. Whore. Short, squat, acne-faced bleep. Bleep bleep bleep (yes, a
triple bleep). Idiot (everyone knows it). Slut. Slut (with double-barrel middle
fingers, bam! bam!). Whore. Skank. Bitch. Shut the fuck up! (3x) Bitch. Slut.
Oh, and later, a "whore" complete with finger quotes. And this is just the
edited version! Verantula's only response is a rather puzzling explosion of
"What do you want me to do?!?!?" (8x). And did I mention? During this exchange,
Holly is in a robe, Christena is wearing only a towel, Katie is wearing some
sort of cheerleader outfit, and Verantula is topless, barely covering up with a
dishcloth or something-or-other. Throw Wendy O. Williams in there, and it's a
party.
The Miz breaks up the fun, dragging Katie into the bathroom and giving her some
tips on how to conduct yourself with decorum and not let rage get the better of
you. Ahem.
Verantula, in the other room, swears (to GOD!) that they'd better not let Katie
near her. Why, V? Gonna plagiarize her mentionings? Make half-hearted swipes at
her around the beefy wall of Holly? Steal her tank top? What?
Well, this is where the hijinks come to a screeching halt. The next day,
everyone prepares for the final challenge. Kendal once again tries to be
Everybody in the Whole World's Friend, telling a humorous story about Katie's
failure to stop stinking from the Inferno. It falls flat. Holly offers up "my
take on Katie and Veronica." Her meaningless observations are played over a clip
of Katie looking war-torn, and Verantula looking like "Hooker #2" in a B-grade
70's made-for-TV movie about prostitution, in her dimestore off-shoulder V-neck
top, painfully heavy makeup and high ponytail, and what with her being an
obviously 50-ish woman portraying a young lady who hasn't even glimpsed the
underside of 30 yet. Man, Bunim-Murray is mean streets for the youth of America.
Mean streets.
Syrus quips that he's called Rent-a-Back for the challenge, and has
Rent-a-Kneecaps and an ankle with a kickstand. Cuz he's old. Unfortunately,
Rent-a-Joke wasn't answering the phone. Coral says she hopes there are no
spiders. Presumably, the spiders of Mexico are uttering a similar prayer.
Darrell says something. That's all you need to know about that.
As the kids/seniors gather, Host Dude announces the final challenge: The Seven
Deadly Sins. The final challenge will consist of seven games, each inspired by
one of The Seven Deadly Sins. Each sin is listed, accompanied by a sneak preview
of the footage from that game, and it's generally a pretty inappropriate visual.
So here's their clip choices and my clip choices.
LUST
Their visual:
Teams sliding down a styrofoam tube. On their crotches!
My visual:
Coral inexplicably shaking her boobs at Host Dude while he announces the final
challenge.
WRATH
Their visual:
Teams beating up pinatas or something.
My visual:
"Bitch! Whore! Bitchidiotwhore! Whoreslut! Slutbitchwhore! Skankfuck!"
GLUTTONY
Their visual:
Puking. Lots and lots of puking.
My visual:
Beth S. returns in Extreme Mega Challenge Gauntlet Review 2014!
ENVY
Their visual:
Teams tossing styrofoam thingies at each other. No, really.
My visual:
The entire cast mooning over a photo of RW2 Aaron, a.k.a. He Who Never Returned.
GREED
Their visual:
Teams scampering over some nets. Huh?
My visual:
Beth S. returns in Ultimate Challengesque Colostorama 2036!
Pride
Their visual:
Teams flipping cards or something on a table. Double huh?
My visual:
10 seconds of dead air.
SLOTH
Their visual:
Team members riding on each other's shoulders.
My visual:
I believe it's called a "Real World / Road Rules Challenge marathon."
 Archive > Television > RW/RR Challenge > Season 08 - The Inferno
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