Project DNA: Damn Near Asinine
Big Brother Season 5 - Week 2

By Rousedower
7/17/2004

Last week on Big Brother, Head of Hamsterhood Jase nominated token "old" guy Mike and token "alternative" chick Nakomis (née Jennifer), the half-sister of token "clueless hick" Michael. To keep everyone up to speed for this episode's first live eviction ceremony (ooh, the anticipation!), here's what has allegedly occurred since then. Mike didn't take his nomination well and chose to sulk around the house instead of donning women's underwear and ugly headbands and taking communal bubble baths with the rest of the guys. Nicodemus was told by Jase's band of buddies that she wasn't going to be voted off, so she shrugged, said "cool," and dyed her hair Easter egg green.

In a surprising instance of clarity, the ladies of the house, egged on by bitter Mike and sans Holly, who's been Jase's "cuddle bunny" for the week, realized that they really rather hated the alpha-male group who have decided to name themselves "The Four Horsemen." (So, does that mean Scott is "Pestilence"?) They approach non-allied Will, and Drew, who, though part of the Four Horsemen is less toolish than the others, and tell them how they need to target Scott and Jase in the next eviction. Will, however, breaks their trust and tells the guys about the plan, which gets Scott and Jase wondering if they should put Diane or Adria up for eviction instead of Mike.

In another shocking Project DNA twist, the houseguests are told that only the Head of Household and the two nominees will be allowed to participate in the Veto competition. But wait, they'll also have to compete against all their half-siblings and identical twins as well! Sorry, that's not right. Instead the HoH and two nominees will each select another person to compete as well. Jase selects his partner in idiocy Scott, Nicorette picks dim but pretty Drew, and Mike offers the chance to really, really dim but stupid Holly. They have to throw hoola-hoops or something around targets of some kind. I don't know. I didn't see it. Scott wins, and he and Jase ponder putting up one of those bitchy traitorous women who made the mistake of not bowing down in worship to the Four Horsemen in Mike's place. In the end, Scott elects not to use the veto, and chooses instead to cackle with glee with Jase on how much power they have in the house. It is then revealed that their power centers are hidden beneath their hideous, annoying headbands, and should one of the other houseguests break these power centers, this alternate universe in which Scott and Jase are considered cool and powerful will thankfully cease to exist.

Anyhow, on to tonight's episode: have you ever sat watching a television show in which a performance was so embarrassing, so uncomfortable it had you cringing in pain? Well, if you have, there's a 55% chance you were watching Julie Chen hosting Big Brother. There have been documented studies on this. My Lord, woman, this is your fifth year hosting the show, and you still cannot get past the stilted rapport with the houseguests and announcements of silly twists said with such gravitas you would think you were reporting on the dismissal of an over-the-hill comedienne as a spokesperson for a weight-loss supplement after she made dirty jokes at the expense of the U.S. president. At least tonight Chen's outfit doesn't look like something out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Starlight Express.

Julie announces that tonight will be the first live! eviction ceremony, and, in a shocking! twist!, one houseguest has been switching with his or her identical twin since day two, and we will see him or her switch live! I already know who it is, since I have no life and have been reading recaps of the live Internet feeds, but, for now, I'll play along and feign ignorance. Marvin, among others, is suspicious that newfound half-siblings Michael and Nakomis: Hands of Fate might make a strong alliance. Thus, Michael explains that he might not spend much time around Nincompoop since he doesn't want it to appear that they are in cahoots. His avoidance of her has absolutely nothing to do with her creepy new green hair color.

Meanwhile, we are treated to scenes of helium-voiced Holly making Jase his lunch and feeding it to him. BB3 winner Lisa weighs in that these two freaks are damn annoying, and to illustrate we see Holly and Jase repeatedly argue about which one is actually named "schmoopy." Wait, that wasn't BB3 Lisa at all ragging on this season's silly romance, but current contestant Lori, who, in yet another shocking! twist! may be Lisa's identical twin or at least half-sister. Nominee Mike continues his crusade to convince everyone that Jase and Scott are the strongest alliance in the house and must be stopped. This does reflect in Lori and Drew's opinions of Mike. Lori states that she has never had a problem with Mike in the house. Drew is grateful for all of Mike's advice to him on how to play the game, which further supports the notion that Drew has never had an original thought in that pretty head of his. All this admiration for Mike signifies one thing: he's getting his Chimpy-loving butt thrown out of there tonight.

Julie takes time to greet the houseguests. I prepare for the inevitable stomach cramps I get whenever I hear Chen talk. She greets Michael first and asks him how he feels about his half-sister being on the chopping block tonight. He answers, "Thank ye, Ma'am. Ah'm okai wid it ah giss cuz we're gon see ich udder outsad, blah, blah, blah." Michael needs some Big Tom-style subtitles. Chen then asks Lori if no one was upset that, in exchange for $10,000, Lori forced the whole house to eat peanut butter and jelly for a week. "No one really cared. Look, I wasn't nominated, you dumb slut," Lori answers. Chen then scores a slight point by asking Scott if the men in the house are more high maintenance than the women. Scott, noticeably without his headband of power, answers that he refuses to let anyone in the house look prettier than him, so he "stepped it up a notch" by spiking up his hair, and his bestest buddy Jase followed suit.

We see portions of eviction votes from Scott, Lori, Holly, and Marvin. Scott calls Mike "a strong player" and accuses Nicotine of using her tattoos and dyed hair for sympathy votes; Lori says Mike is smart; Marvin calls Nokia "cagey"; Holly just giggles. We are not told for whom they cast their votes. Now, I've seen this show enough to know what that means: unanimous eviction! If the vote were close we'd see who voted for whom. Arnold Shapiro, I am so on to you.

Julie then goes to the moment we have all been anticipating: how Michael and Nantucket's families reacted to finding out that they were related. In Tennessee, Guy Dedmon, their father, who may actually be the identical twin and/or half-brother of either Harry Shearer or that guy Cher was with in Mask, tells Big Brother, "Thanks for the bastard!" Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, Michael's half-human, half-bullfrog mother tells BB to get the hell out of her house and her life. A shaken Chen returns to showing us eviction votes. Karen says that Narcoleptic's "different" look is a strike against her, but Mike is opinionated and belligerent. Adria says that she doesn't hold anyone's "unique look or smell" against them. Drew just blankly gazes at the camera.

While BB spent time interviewing Michael and Natchez's families, here's a list of events culled from live feed recaps that they chose not to show:

• The houseguests' favorite topic of conversation? Masturbation. Thanks a lot, Janet Jackson's nipple. We'll never hear about those conversations during the broadcast. No, that wasn't sarcasm. I'm being very sincere here. I really don't want to hear about them masturbating.
  
• As bad as Scott appears on the show, he is exponentially worse according to the live feeds. He insists that his nickname is Savage, instructs the disembodied Big Brother voice to address him as "sexy stud," and constantly brags about his sexual prowess and hip social life. Clearly, "Scott" is Pittsburghian for "overcompensating."
  
• Marvin swears like a sailor, but I really can't blame him for that.

• How she was kidnapped and raped by three African American men.
  
• How she was once electrocuted (This is true. It happened on her Fear episode.)
  
• How she and her mannequin host a show on a Los Angeles cable access program (This is also true.)
  
• That she is an orphan.
  
• How she and a friend were beat up after attending the 2003 American Idol finale. (This, although perhaps not true, is absolutely believable. I would also beat up anyone who admitted to attending the AI finale.)

Julie takes a moment to interview Jase in the Head of Household bedroom. This sequence has no significance at all except to let us marvel at how perfectly straight Jase got his hair to stand up for this evening's show. Then we're back to yet more eviction votes, Michael says that Mike is definitely a "player in the game," Will ups that saying Mike is a "shrewd player," and Diane says that she'd actually like Mike to stay. Um, Diane, what is it with the Pépé Le Pew hairstyle? Does anyone really find the random blond streaks on top of dark brown hair attractive? Et, à propos de M. Le Pew, has anyone else noticed how Diane constantly wears an expression that looks like she smells something bad? Then again, from what I've heard of Scott's lackadaisical hygiene regimen, I probably can't blame her. Michael adds that it might be hard to vote off his half-sister. He's also sporting a t-shirt that says "My Dad is #1." That's wishful thinking there, Michael.

Finally, Julie reveals who is the first evictee, and, to the shock of no one, it's Mike. He hugs a few of his fellow houseguests and meets up with Julie in the studio. Meanwhile, Narwhal hands out a few high-fives and hugs of her own since she gets to stay in that hellhole for at least another. During this, we are treated to this little gem from Jase: "Thank God I'm drunk right now because I could not handle this while sober." Damn, why didn't I think of that?

Mike sits down for his exit interview with Julie. She asks him why he didn't rally for votes once he was nominated, and Mike pretty much avoids any direct answer, much like his hero GWB. Julie shows him clips of farewells that some of the houseguests sent to him. He makes a weird face when Drew tells Mike that he was like a father to him in the house, and I'm not sure whether Mike just finds Drew's sentimentality a bit too much or is worried that Project DNA has struck again. Scott tells Mike that Mike was right in saying that he, Scott, is the strongest person in the house, but he's disappointed that Mike never said he was the prettiest.

Next, the Head of Household competition is held. Jase, as the current HoH, is not allowed to participate. The houseguests are instructed to answer a series of questions based on which answer they think is the most popular. It's a bit like Family Feud in that respect except they're not playing with their families (or perhaps they are, and it's another shocking! twist!). Family Feud always irked me. The first two or three rounds never matter since the final round always has a quintupled score or something and whoever wins that round wins the whole thing anyway. I ought to write a letter of complaint or something, but I digress. The houseguests answer questions such as "Who looks in the mirror the most: Scott or Jase?" and "Who has the ugliest hair-do: Jase or Diane?" and "Who would most likely be out of a job if not for the fact that she's been sleeping with the head of CBS: Julie Chen or Jeff Probst?" Most of the houseguests are quickly eliminated, but four remain: Michael, Marvin, Holly, and Lori. Julie changes the question to a tie-breaker. Each houseguest must guess at how many yellow balls were gathered at last week's food competition. The houseguest with the closest answer without going over wins. It's very Price Is Right. Holly dons her "Hey Bob Barker, check out these beauties" t-shirt, and Michael gets spayed and/or neutered. I have issues with Price Is Right, too, but I won't go into them now. Marvin gets the answer correct and celebrates his victory by spewing a stream of bleeped-out obscenities.

Julie finally reveals who the twin-switching houseguest is. It's Adria, who's been switching places with her twin Natalie every few days or so. The twin that is not in the game at any point is staying in seclusion. Before switching, the twin in the game is given 15 minutes to clue in the other twin on what has been going on in the house. If the twins successfully fool the other houseguests until the halfway point in the game, Natalie will be able to join the game as a regular participant. The switcheroo wasn't really news for me, since there have been postings everywhere that Natalie slipped up by calling herself "Natalie" at one point. She apparently covered up by saying that "Natalie" was her nickname. Natalie starts crying at the "emotional" burden of the game. She can't wear her own wedding ring. Oh, boo-hoo. Stop whining and tell me exactly why your asses are so big if you're supposedly the fitness twins. To end the show, we see the twins switch places, and it's as mind-numbing boring as one would expect.

Julie concludes the show to remind us when the next week's episode will air in case the audience has nothing better to do. Sadly, I'll probably still watch.

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