My Ego Is Bigger Than Yours!
Big Brother Season 5 - Week 3

By Kvm711
7/24/2004

The Four Horsemen are a tight alliance. So tight, they even bathe with each other. A lot. In fact, this week CBS was required to file for a permit to declare the Big Brother estate a gay bathhouse or face legal repercussions.

While there's nothing wrong with men sharing a tub (as my good friends the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker can testify), it is slap-yourself-on-the-doo-ragged-forehead-stupid that these guys can bathe together and still loathe Will for being homosexual. I suspect their detestation stems from jealousy that Will is man enough to be open and comfortable with his sexual orientation rather than using "gay" as a derogatory term while giving each other back rubs and comparing the sizes of their penises.

No, seriously, they really did that, although CBS seems to have wisely passed on airing that footage. Scott swears he has the largest one, which, given his Playboy spread, doesn't bode well for the other guys. Let's just say that while I've never experienced a cock myself, I'd imagine that if Scott had his way with me, I'd never even notice.

Amongst all the bathing and penis sharing, the other horsemen treat Michael like crap. Anything they tell him to do, he'll do, and it's a truly pathetic display, especially when he lets Scott shave racing stripes onto his legs. Karen refers to Michael as Gilligan to Scott's Skipper, which is really just a kind way of saying that Michael is his bitch. After Scott goes on a tirade about how he expects Michael to "control" his sister, Michael proceeds to act like a demanding boss around Nakomis. Though she plays along, she admits in private that she has no respect for the lackey Michael is and says she is prepared to vote him out of the house, for which she earns some admiration for me. Shortly thereafter, however, she loses that admiration when she attempts to give herself a Mohawk and winds up with more of a mullet. Holly encourages Nakomis to donate her hair to sick children, but I doubt after all of those dye jobs that the hair would be useful. If Holly's feeling so charitable, perhaps she should donate that brain she never puts to work.

Having had no storylines, Drew is showcased for a bit. The women love Drew because he's cute and exhibits signs of literacy when reading the Bible. Granted he's completely void in the personality department, but in comparison to Scott and Jase, whose personalities induce vomiting, that might be a positive thing. I'm beginning to suspect that Drew is mute because not only do we not hear him speak during his own tribute, but also he has yet to scream, "Shut the fuck up, you cocky idiots!" to his fellow horsemen as one would expect.

On to the Food Challenge, which is important because it determines what the houseguests will be able to eat for an entire week. At least fifteen times, Scott announces that it is crucial to win beer. It seems like it'd be more crucial to win something to actually eat, but I hardly expect this man's priorities to be in order. Near the end of the competition, Will accidentally causes the game to reset. The houseguests lose everything, most importantly the beer, the one thing that brings joy to Scott's life besides his own reflection. Will feels so badly that he cries, bringing an unwanted taste of Bunky back to the Big Brother house. The only tears he should shed are those of happiness for having deprived Scott of his beer. If he already acts like a drunken buffoon on a regular basis, the last thing you should do is add alcohol to further the behavior.

Later on, Marvin's pointlessly wordy nomination ceremony singles out Lori and Holly. The horsemen resolve to keep Holly in under the assumption that, in time, she'll fuck all of them. Though the direct the others to vote accordingly, the other faction finds Holly, well… annoying. They collect five votes to the horsemen's four to evict Holly instead. Throughout the week, Lori wavers between quitting and competing more times than Ross Perot (apologies for the dated joke, I've been brainwashed by VH1's "I Love the 90's"), but Karen insists she's staying whether she wants to or not. To prevent their plan from backfiring, they opt to keep it a secret and act like it'll be a unanimous vote for Lori in what they call "Operation Security Blanket."

Come Veto time, however, Jase's victory puts the plan in jeopardy. Though he knows as much of the counterattack as he does long division, he unwittingly takes Operation Security Blanket and wraps it around his head like a doo-rag when he vetoes his on-again-off-again snuggle bunny, Holly. Marvin puts up Karen in Holly's place and the plan is shot to hell. If only the same could be done to Jase.

Fast forward to eviction night. During the typical banter with the HOH, Julie asks Marvin if being a mortician has helped him in the house. He confirms that it does as he is accustomed to dealing with misery. With any luck, he'll soon be able to put his mortician skills to use when the Four Horsemen drop dead. As for whether he trusts that alliance, Marvin says he can trust them as far as he can "throw a big old fat woman after Thanksgiving." I'm glad to hear my family is not the only one to carry on that tradition. At the mention of a fat woman, Julie becomes insecure and cuts to a commercial break to do sit-ups.

Unable to complete a sit-up due to the enormous weight of her head, Julie returns to announce that in a vote of 7-2, Karen… will be staying. Oh, Julie, always the tease. Especially while wearing that see-through outfit which stops just short of revealing nipple. Eww. It looks like she's given up even trying to convince anyone that she's a serious journalist.

After Lori exits, the HOH competition, a trivia challenge about the houseguests, is held. The deciding question is about how many of the contestants have attended college, with the answer being… ten? I suppose attending a frat party on campus was sufficient enough. Or are the producers counting the University of Indiana as a legitimate institute of higher education? At any rate, Drew is the big winner (but not the big wiener, as we all know Scott rules supreme in that category *chuckle*) and he tells Julie the privilege he looks forward to the most is being able to share the HOH bed with Scott. Yeah, it's about time those two had some privacy.

It pisses me off to no end to see the Four Horsemen maintain control. I assumed CBS would rig the competition in favor of the women with something they couldn't lose, like "Biggest Boobs," although I guess that distinction rightfully would go to Jase and Scott as well. If evil is going to dominate this game, I'm going to need something good to pique my interest for me to keep watching… preferably some hot incest action.

What? That's a DNA twist, isn't it?

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