Okay folks, we've got a lot to cover, and these pompous dick-monkeys have been working my last nerve all week, so let's get to it:
Saturday began where last week ended, with Will bidding a tearful farewell to his fag-hag, and Drew winning HOH, prompting a string of celebratory man-hugs the likes of which haven't been seen in this country since the end of the Civil War. Or at least since Platoon beat out A Room with a View for Best Picture of 1986.
Showing a startling amount of clarity for someone with so few working brain cells, Drew admits in the diary room that the Fucking Horsemen made their alliance "blatantly obvious" with their preposterous frat-boy behavior. Karen wryly referred to it as JockFest 2004. I like her. I really like her. Will, meanwhile, said their display was "absolutely sickening," and considering what he has to clean out of bedpans when he slips on that nurse's uniform, you gotta figure he has a pretty strong stomach.
Sometime later (bastard producers offer no tangible timeline...this may have even happened on BB4 last year), Marvin interrupts Drew's Bible reading to offer up some stupid strategies. Drew goes running to his boyfriends and tells them that Marvin is trying to have an opinion, sparking an anti-Marvin rant that lasts for about 5 minutes until they become distracted with the task of fashioning a King-Sized dildo from 2 flat-irons and a crimper.
After the HOH is fumigated and all Marvin-stench is removed, Drew moves in and finds his pillow and blankie from home. Happily, it's still covered in spunk from the little "mirror game" he and his twin brother like to play. Unaware of this, Adriatalie rubs the pillow all over her face, impregnating the nasty microbes that are hiding in her humongous pores. Scott looks at a picture of Drew and Ben and says "Look! It's his brother! You can tell 'cuz they look alike." Someone really needs to put Raid in their food.
Later, Scott feeds a banquet of bullshit to his fellow hamsters, telling them that he's a pro-football player (complete with trading cards!), that he drives an Escalade, that he has a big fat cock, and that today is his birthday. None of those is true, he admits in the DR. I wish Project DNA meant Do Not Assume your diary room confessionals will not be played for the other houseguests. Imagine Scott shitting his pants while his actual "thoughts" are displayed for the other bozos to see and hear. -sigh-
Much drama ensues when Scott, jealous of the attention
his lover Jase lavishes on Holly, tries to seduce her in the hot tub. Jase happens by and tosses Holly aside, screaming "He's mine, you tramp! Be gone before a house falls on you, too!" Drew takes note of the tension Holly's existence is causing.
Meanwhile, Marvin has discovered that Cowboy's (step-father? father-in-law? sugar daddy?) is....(in the oil business? owns oil wells? changed the oil in his car once?)..I'm not sure, I drifted off to sleep at this point, but it sure did piss the Cowboy off! Marvin was implying that since Cowboy is such a Beverly Hillbilly, he has no need for the BB5 prize money! Why this standard is not used regarding Scott's multi-million-dollar "football contract" is never really addressed. Pitching a hissy fit, Cowboy forgets his role as low horse on the totem pole and announces that Marvin just "put himself on the block." Jase and Scott just smile and nod.
In the HOH room, Drew and Diane have what appears to be a conversation, though they don't look at each other and don't really say anything of consequence. When Drew finally looks at her, he is distracted by the ridiculous streaks in her hair that look like extensions that fell out of Della Reese's head during the filming of the latest Touched by an Angel movie. (kudos to Jillybob for the Della Reese connection) "I like you," Diane says. "I like you too," Drew says. "," the audience says.
An even more nauseating conversation commences outside between Jase, Scott and Holly, in which they whine about how difficult it is to be so good-looking. Holly asserts that if she came into the house with black hair in a bun, dressed conservatively, she would've gotten a lot more respect. Not likely, given that she'd still have that voice and would still be talking about her fucking mannequin. This conversation goes on for a while, and everybody watching is now a little dumber for having heard it. In fact, all of you are now a little dumber for having read about it, so let's move on.
We're subjected to another retarded food competition, in which the hamsters have to go diving into a big bowl of alphabet soup to get letters to spell out their food for the week. Their priorities are clear, as the first word Marvin spells is beer. After Cowboy spells out beef, Scott spells steak, since I guess beef wasn't specific enough. Later, Scott spells C-H-E-E-S-S-E, and everyone points at him and laughs. In the DR, Scott says he made a big jackass out of himself by misspelling cheese. No, you silly goose! You made a huge jackass out of yourself by flashing your mosquito-dick in Playgirl! Misspelling cheese is small potatoes in comparison. After the competition, Scott and Jase make love in the soup.
I see that Will is wearing an "I shamrock Boston" shirt at the food competition, and again at the nomination ceremony. I'll get back to that later.
Right after Adriatalie makes another switch, Drew pulls her into the HOH room for advice. She slaps him around, calling him a spineless cocksucker. So, despite the intense pressure from his fellow Horsemen to nominate Diane and Adria, Drew nominates Holly and Necronomicon for eviction. Nec says it's fine, she understands, all the while cutting herself under the table. Holly has a harsher reaction: no more blowjobs for Jase!
With Holly sulking in the bathroom, Jase goes to the HOH room and makes sweet love to Drew, saying "If it was me, I'd have done the same thing." The afterglow of their sticky man-sex wears off, though, and the Horse'sAsses berate Drew for nominating Holly until he's a sobbing, whimpering pool of mushy goo. Throughout the berating, Scott symbolically chokes a rubber chicken. Holly gets some alone time with Drew, and says "I'm not a mastermind whatsoever!" To prove it, she sticks her feet in her enormous hoop earrings, which also come in handy during gynecological exams and ass-spellunking.
Several minutes (several too many) are devoted to Jase's Brad Pitt obsession. Mr. Aniston needs to get a restraining order. Marvin brings down the house when he says "He don't look like no Brad Pitt....he looks like an Arm Pitt."
Meanwhile, thinking his sister is as dumb as he is, Cowboy and Scott try to convince Nikelback that she's safe this week and has nothing to worry about....don't even try for the Golden Veto....these are not the droids you're looking for.....Recognizing the smell of bullshit from some of her less-successful art projects, Nik smiles and says "Uh-huh okay whatever." And this is enough to convince them that they've got her snowed. Scott conveys this news in a disturbing scene that can only be described as "with his hands down his shorts masturbating." No clever
euphemism will wipe away the terror of that spectacle.
So it's time for another
asinine veto game. Drew and Holly shock everybody by choosing Scott and Jase to play, while Nicorette shocks Cowboy by picking Adriatalie to play for her. "I guess my li'l sister duzn't trust me," he whimpers. Given the possibility that the veto contest may involve ingesting a lot of food, Jase does the only logical thing and, getting in touch with his inner-Top-Model, pukes in the bathroom. Holly thinks it's a sweet gesture. Seriously.
The game is too long and dumb and boring to get into, other than noting the fact that Scott doesn't know what the word "confide" means. Ass. Nic wins the Golden Shower of Veto.
Hmmm.. whatever will she do?
An idiotic drama unfolds when Holly confronts Diane over the fact that Diane did not offer her a sympathy hug when Holly lost. Seriously. Diane notes that when the stupid boys win something they do backflips and flipflops and all kinds of acrobatic shit. Jase twists her into a confused little ball, accusing her of "calling out" her alliance. "It's ooooooooonnnnnnnnn!!" Jase keeps screaming. "What-everrrrrr!" Diane keeps screaming.
Eventually Diane is reduced to tears and tells Drew to fuck off for not standing up for her.
After making another switch, Adriatalie tries to guilt Drew into not nominating her, and even slaps him in the balls with her Bible. To no avail. When NikkiMcKibbin uses the veto to take herself off the nomination block, Drew puts Adria in her place. Later in the diary room, Drew tries to justify himself. "I know my teammates are terrible, awful people with evil, black Nazi hearts that pump, not blood, but sewage...but they're really good in bed."
Come Thursday, Julie Chen is, as always, dressed to the
nines fours. This week, she's wearing an ill-fitting pair of pants that appear to be moth-eaten from the knee down...or else, she's been splattered with Oreos....and an ill-fitting one-shouldered top that seems to be offering precious little support to the twins (and I ain't talkin' 'bout Adria and Natalie!).
Adriatalie seems to be having a rough time of it, and the constant crying is not good for her face. The next time they do the switch, Adria will have to punch Natalie in the nose to achieve continuity. Adriatalie throws herself at Cowboy's mercy, but he's not falling for her tears and simple-country-girl act. He punishes her for her hubris by shoving her face into his armpit. The Horse'sPatoots try to cut a deal with Adria, making her promise she'd never vote for any of them unless they run for class president. However, after doing a re-enactment with life-savers and Cheez-Its, they decide that Adria's full of shit. Realizing that Holly is the cracker, they each take a nibble.
Using the SuperSecretSpyCam in the HOH room, Scott, Drew and the Cowboy jerk off while watching Jase and Holly kiss in the kitchen. Since Holly doesn't "close the deal," Jase goes to the HOH room and Scott gives him a "happy ending."
insipid fascinating interview portion, we learn that Diane is an incoherent troll, Cowboy wants Brad Pitt to play him in BB5: The Movie (which Jase sees as the ultimate betrayal) and Karen needs chocolate BADLY. Julie says "Well, you should've spelled out chocolate from the alphabet soup instead of apple, you stupid biscuit."
During his one-on-one interview with the Chenster, Drew is sitting in an oddly out-of-place chair that looks like it was stolen from the set of King Arthur. Drew alleges that nominating Adria "literally broke my heart." Instead of pointing out that if his heart was "literally" broken, he'd be dead, Julie just says "Go back into the kitchen with the others, you useless shit."
So, remember about 30 paragraphs ago when I noted that Will was wearing an "I shamrock Boston" shirt? Well, during the live eviction ceremony, Scott is wearing the same shirt! What does this mean?! Are they borrowing each other's clothes? They're not even the same size! Do they have matching shirts? Are they lovers? Is Scott a klepto as well as a dildo? And why oh why did I notice such minutiae?! Answers! I need answers!
Julie cleverly distracts me from the great Shamrock Shirt Conundrum by showing interviews with Jase's mom and Scott's step-mom. What amazingly brave souls they are to admit to spawning these creatures! Jase's mom alleges that Jase isn't the retarded ass-licker he appears to be. Must be the editing. She says if Jase were ever to bring Holly home, she'd chop Holly up into little pieces and use her to slop the hogs. Which would make the hogs unintentional cannibals, but that's neither here nor there.
Scott's scary lesbian step-mom says she has no idea who that man is that's claiming to be Scott. Nevertheless, Donna the dyke says if acting like a 'tard will get Scott closer to the $500,000, then GoForIt!!! Jesus H. Christ on a Cheez-It! At least Mama Jase has the good sense to be mortified by her son's behavior.
Back to the LIVE
eviction.. each nominee must give the obligatory if-I-get-the-boot-I'll-miss-you-all-so-much speeches. Holly gives Jase a stuffed cat and a pink hat, which he's clearly had his eye on from Day One. Adriatalie starts to give her speech, but all I hear is blah-blah-blah-blah. Julie pointlessly drags out the "suspense" for another 10 minutes or so before uttering the 10 most beautiful words I've heard since Phil K eliminated Potato-Nose on Amazing Race: "By a vote of 7 to 1, Holly....FUCK OFF!!!"
7 TO 1!
The other hamsters can barely keep straight faces as Jase and Holly stumble dazedly to the door. 7 to 1!
Holly stumbles over to meet Julie, hobbling on the fuck-me pumps she clearly can't walk in. Meanwhile, Jase runs to the bathroom to cry, and Marvin follows. At first we think Marv is going to offer support, but he's just there to take a dump.
Exit interview transcript:
Julie: Holly, why do you suck soooo much?
Holly: I just think someone's playing a joke on me. Am I being Punk'd?
Julie: Wow, you are a complete moron, and complete morons are rare. Don't you just wanna kill yourself?
Holly: UmmmmmI guess.
Julie: Okay then, you take these pills after you watch this tape.
Diane: Thank God and Good Riddance!
Cowboy: You will be missed.
Jase: Mine! Mine! The pink hat is MINE!
Scott: Mine! Mine! Jase is mine!
Marvin: Fuck off!
Will: Fuck off!
Karen: Fuck off!
Nekrophiliac: Fuck off!
Drew: Fuck off!
Adria and Natalie: (in unison) Fuck off!
Holly: Wow! They're identical! Imagine two of me!
Julie: One is enough for this house. One is enough for this world. Fuck the fuck off!
After Holly fucks off, it's time for a super-exciting HOH competition. This time, the producers have finally given these narcissistic buttplugs what they've always wanted: life-sized cardboard cutouts of themselves. The challenge is who can go for the longest time without licking their own cardboard face. Alas, this is to be continued on Saturday.....
Unless you have access to the live feed, in which case:
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
Diane is the new HOH, and the Horsemen are shitting themselves! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And now, the week is over, my soul is drained and my sex drive is at an all-time low.
Watching this shit so you don't have to,
Archive > Television > Big Brother > Season 5