There’s Something About Mirna (and we`re all jealous)
Amazing Race Season 5 - Episode 6

By Blotto
8/12/2004

The Amazing Race is now in Cairo. Pyramids! The Sphinx! Sand! It is fitting that a reality show will now grace the burial sites of the Pharaohs, a.k.a. the Donald Trumps of Ancient times. Last week, the bowling Moms finished last but were not eliminated; instead, Phil took all their money (which he used to tip his masseuse) and forced them to complete this leg with no cash. In other words, they will be racing like the first season of Road Rules, while the other teams will be racing like the other 18 seasons of Road rules (phat Winnebago and bungie jumping not included). Whatever happens, I hope their husbands take their money away the next time they want to buy ugly bowling shirts.

Colin and Christie are the first team to go and have a 7+ hour lead on the next team. The clue says to get to the Great Pyramid and descend into the Creation Room, the "geographical center of the earth". Now, I look at a map of the earth and I don't see how Egypt can claim to be the geographic center of anything (the earth being a sphere and all). Sounds like some ancient Egyptian marketing slogan to attract tourists. In fact, I think there is a Vegas hotel that claims to be the geographic center of the earth and to have the loosest slots in town. Anyway, C&C start at 11:27 pm but the pyramid isn't open until 6 am, so they get to spend the night sleeping on rocks instead of a comfy hotel bed.

The next morning, a peppy Colin shouts, "We're ready to go and blow, baby!". By "blow" he must mean "blow their lead", because that's exactly what happens. The next clue tells them to fly 400 miles to Luxor and get to the Temple of Karnak, the "mound of creation". One of the mysteries of ancient Egypt is why the "mound of creation" was built 400 miles away from the Creation Room. Perhaps they were going to connect them with the "Creation Highway" and stock the road with "Creation Outlet Store Shopping Malls". Those damn Pharaohs always trying to make a buck (they were Donald Trump's I tell ya!). Another mystery of Egypt is why did they build a temple devoted to a Johnny Carson bit? In the back seat of the taxi, Colin describes his plane ticket booking strategy with his usual air of superiority, all the while not realizing his headlamp is still on. Dumbass.

The next three teams to go are Mirna/Charla, Brandon/Nicole, and Chip/Kim. Mirna claims that all the other teams of jealous of them, obviously unable tell envy from wrath on the list of deadly sins. Kim says that she is not contributing to the team, which may be the understatement of the year. She's been in every episode but has not had any effect on any aspect of this show. She's like the gay guy on Melrose Place. Brandon takes his shirt off to complete the task, and, while we previously learned that faith to his Messiah does not allow drinking alcohol, we now learn that it does allow waxing your torso. If this is what Heaven is like, send me to Hell, pronto!

Marshall and Lance set out minus Marshall's knee, which he left somewhere in St. Petersburg. They are advertising their Café Nostra restaurant, a pizza place with a stereotypical New York gangster theme (they will be the lead suspects if Chuck E Cheese ever gets whacked), and their t-shirts pay homage to Reservoir Dogs. If you eat there, pay homage to Mr. Pink and don't leave a tip.

Several teams reach the airport and scramble for flights. Their choices are to take a charter flight from one terminal, or find an earlier flight from a different terminal. Tempers flare when Charla/Mirna try to take C&C's cab before C&C are through with it, and the cab driver kicks them out. That cabbie is so jealous of Mirna. Mirna pouts and throws a tantrum, screaming "these people are maniacs!". I agree. They are maniacs, maniacs on the floor. And they're dancing like they've never danced before.

The Blunder twins get started and finally do something smart, which is admit they are clueless. They add proof to their theory by getting a task that says "descend into the pyramid", finding a flag over a narrow door that descends into the pyramid, then asking "what are we supposed to do?". These might be the world's only twins that could join all the dumb twins on Big Brother and actually bring the IQ of the house down.

Team Bowl-O-Rama finally leave the pit stop and instantly start begging tourists for money. Considering Egypt is a poor country with its own hordes of beggars, they better hope the tourists take pity on the ugly matching bowling shirts. The European tourists shrug off the begging attempts, but the American tourists hand over cash faster than Ricky Williams at a cannabis convention. Man, I hate America. The remaining teams are all stuck taking the charter flight to Luxor. Mirna prays that the Moms don't show up on time, but God denies her and they barely make it. God is so jealous of Mirna.

Tempers continue to flare at the Karnak Temple when Colin gives Mirna a body check at the ticket counter. She derides him as "having a Napoleon complex, a submissive girlfriend he bosses around, and being jealous of me". To her credit she got 2 out of 3 right, but the tape shows she clearly cut the "enter to buy tickets" lane by going through the empty "exit from buying tickets" lane, which is unacceptable anywhere in the world. Heck, try that shit at Disneyland and Mickey Mouse will punch you in the face.

The next task is a Detour, Herd it or Haul it:

Herd it: Take a traditional Egyptian horse and buggy 5 miles to Banana Island, put ten goats or sheep into a traditional Egyptian watercraft, then deliver the herd across the Nile to a traditional Egyptian shepherd who'll enjoy a night of rather untraditional sex.

Haul it: Take a traditional Egyptian horse and buggy 3 miles to a farm, fill an urn with river water using a traditional Egyptian thing-a-ma-bob, then take several trips by donkey to fill traditional Egyptian water jugs for an overly excited man smoking a traditional Egyptian Marlboro.

If this is at all confusing, just remember the key words "Banana", "Sheep", "Donkey", and "jugs".

C&C and Brandon/Nicole both Haul it, while the rest Herd it. Haul it is the easier task and both teams finish quickly. In a voice-over, Colin talks about how he is the team leader, Christie defers to him and he takes care of her. As he says this, we see him sitting relaxed on a donkey while Christie has to walk and pull the donkey through the terrain. Dumbass.

The other teams struggle to wrangle the animals on to the boat. Mirna complains a lot and one of her goats jumps off the boat back on to shore. That goat is so jealous of Mirna. Chip/Kim finish first and hit the water, where an exuberant Chip bellows, "From South Central L.A. to the Nile River, baby!" They then dive to the floor as gunshots ring out from a sail-by shooting. You can never fully leave the Hood, dude.

The next destination is the Habu temple, where the teams find the following Roadblock clue: "This task requires one of you asshats to play in a sandbox". I officially dub this the Brian Wilson Challenge. One team member has to dig in some sand to find a scarab, a task made more difficult when nobody knows what a scarab is. It turns out to be a fist-sized rock shaped like a beetle. Probably costs about 5 bucks at an Egyptian gift shop. And probably made in Taiwan.

C&C and Brandon/Nicole arrive first and the guys start digging. Brandon asks Nicole to pray for him. Brandon finds strength in the Bible, particularly the line "Blessed are the meek", as he continues to whimper and moan through all the challenges. He says Nicole helps him with his insecurity issues. She's in for a rude awakening when they finally decide to have sex and he brings those issues into the sack. "Does that feel good? Does that feel good? Are you sure? I can stop doing it if you want to. Does this feel good? Are you sure? You want me to do that? Sorry, my faith won't allow that."

C&C find the scarab first and take a water taxi to the pit stop at Crocodile Island. Christie looks at the cab driver and says, "Must… Go… Very… Fast." He responds, "Must… Have… Subject… In… Sentence." They finish first and win a trip to Exotic Mexico, which is a better place to visit than Banal Mexico. They're followed by Chip/Kim, the twins, Brandon/Nicole, and Charla/Mirna. Mirna doesn't get a hug from Phil, so he's either jealous of her or the restraining order has finally kicked in.

The bowling Moms find the scarab late, just as Marshall/Lance show up to the sandboxes. The brothers have lagged behind the entire leg due to Marshall's knee. After digging for a few minutes, they pull a first in Amazing Race history by quitting the race. Phil drags himself out to the sandboxes to eliminate the brothers on the spot. He should have taken their money and told them to walk their asses home.

So go to Café Nostra and enjoy the Quitter's special: a half-baked pizza, a tossed green salad that hasn't been tossed yet, and a glass of ice, because, well, they gave up before filling it.

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