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By Kvm711
8/29/2004
Rather than competing against the past week's Olympics coverage, Big Brother decided to join the athletes and participate alongside them. The proceeding is some of the news highlights that resulted from the Games. Hollywood Celebrities Sponsor Athletes
Following in the footsteps of Pamela Anderson, who has lent financial assistance to US gymnast Mohimi Bhardwaj, Baywatch costar Karma Electra has offered her support to budding Olympic athletes in need of sponsorship.
"I think it's wonderful," said fitness expert Adria. "When {fellow competitor} Will mentioned that Karma would take care of me, I couldn't have been happier. I have all of her Maxim spreads!" Inspired by friends Anderson and Electra, international star David Hasselhoff vows to also get in on the act, particularly the German athletes.
"It's about time I gave back to the people who have inexplicably loved me for
all these years," Hasselhoff noted. Injuries Force Roster Changes
Olympic team captain Nakomis regrets to announce her decision to pull Adria from the event final Saturday night. Nakomis explains that the basis for her decision was an injury Adria suffered last week during her HOH routine.
"She broke her pinky," Nakomis solemnly stated. "We can't trust her to perform for our team now that she's broken her pinky." As Olympic rules dictate, after being removed from a team for injury, Adria was officially nominated for eviction. At the same press conference, Nakomis added that Adria's sister and teammate, Natalie, would also be removed from the team and be put up for eviction. When asked for the reasoning behind this decision, Nakomis would only say,
"She also broke her pinky. I don't need to go through the whole procedure again, it's the same thing." Despite her injured pinky, Natalie managed to find another choice finger with which to respond. Tightest Olympic Race Still Undecided
In this year's heated battle of
"Biggest Bitch," the verdict is still out between Big Brother contestant Diane and Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkina.
"It's going to be a tough choice," said House Calls host Marcellas. "They've both mastered that perfect bitch face and are strong enough to hold that expression for hours on end. They both get 10s in my book!" While Svetlana has pissed and moaned about everything from unfair judging to people being unable to recognize her own supremacy, Diane has yet to stop complaining about the Twins, her relationship with Drew, and the peanut butter and jelly diet. The rivalry between Svetlana and Diane had previously intensified in the
"Biggest Cunt" competition in which Svetlana edged out Diane when her leotard left nothing to the imagination. Adria Goes for the Gold
Although team captain Nakomis had all but ruined Adria's chances for medaling, in a defiant move, Adria competed in the preliminary event anyway, ultimately capturing the Golden Power of Veto. Upon celebrating her victory, Adria took her broken pinky and shoved it up Nakomis's ass. Adria's win guarantees herself a position back on the team, thus forcing Nakomis to remove Cowboy from the roster instead. Though protest has arisen from the Korean delegation in regards to last year's medal favorite, Jee, being cheated out of a tenth of a point that would have awarded him victory, the result is expected to stand. Marvin Wins America's Choice
Though most Olympic contests with subjective scoring are ultimately decided in popularity contests by American-bribed judges, this competition is the only one brazen enough to advertise that fact. In a tight finish, Marvin edged out up-and-coming Speedo spokesmen Drew by two one-hundredths of a point. While previous winners earned a place on a Wheaties box, Marvin's victory garnered a guest appearance on The Young and the Restless. Despite butchering his lines, Marvin is already rumored to be in the running for a Daytime Emmy award, coincidentally the only distinction more worthless than a rhythmic gymnastics medal. The competition is not without controversy, however. Runner-up Drew has announced his plans to appeal the outcome on the basis that cute, young, All-American dolts always deserve to have unfair judgments made in their favor. Cowboy Qualifies for Subsequent Olympic Appearance
Despite not having won a single competition all summer, Cowboy has already been granted an opportunity to participate in the Games next year.
"After noting his complete inability to compete with anyone on both a mental and physical level, we have decided Cowboy would be better suited for next year's Special Olympics," said Olympic Commission official Arnold Shapiro. Cowboy, who has looked to use his experience to get endorsement deals and acting roles, said he was
"done happy" about the Commission's announcement. Asked to describe his joy, Cowboy proved unable to articulate an actual sentence. American Audience Demands Less Skin
Though most have enjoyed the frequent camera shots of Misty May's wedgied ass and Michael Phelp's
"could they be any lower?" swimsuits, a recent poll reveals that the viewing audience would be willing to give up these guilty pleasures if Julie Chen would agree to cover up more.
"Her red dress was obscene," commented fashion expert Will. "Who buys something
with those holes in it? At least we were spared the glitter trimmed camel toe
this week." Natalie Is the Morgan to Adria's Paul
The comparison between Adria and Natalie and the Hamms was inevitable. Not only are both sets of twins self-touted fitness experts, but both cause people to wince in confusion and pain when they open their mouths and let loose their disturbing voices. While this summer has proved fruitful for Adria and Paul with both winning several competitions apiece, their siblings Natalie and Morgan stand out as big, pathetic losers. As Morgan failed to garner any media attention, Natalie proved herself so unpleasant that her teammates have officially voted her off the team and banished her to the sequester house. Judges Fuck Up Again
Further demonstrating that the competitions are rigged, judge and host Julie Chen, the poor man's Bob Costas, made an erroneous call during the heavily heated Putt-Putt competition for Head of Household. Though the rules clearly stated that the first person to have their ball reach the bottom of his or her tube would advance to the next round, Julie declared Marvin the winner even though Karen's ball hit the bottom first. The latest of Julie's blunders has called into question her qualifications for this crucial role, which seem to extend no further than the fact that she's fucking CBS president, Les Moonves.
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