Before I begin, let me just say, on behalf of a grateful nation, "Thank you CBS, for sparing us a Saturday episode of Big Brother this week. Not only does it make summarizing the week easier, it saves us from another nail-biting food competition where we breathlessly await news on who will be stuck with peanut butter and jelly for a week and who will be treated to a sumptuous banquet of shrimp, basil and
goat cheese." On the other hand, "Fuck you CBS, for JAG!"
Tuesday begins with the usual flashbacks in black & white, easing into color as the graphic reveals it's Day 792. That seems a little low, considering that this season seems like it started in 1983, but whatever.
Leatherface Diane bemoans the fact that she couldn't do a little song and dance over Thing 2's eviction, since Thing 1 is still around. Sucks to be Will, she says, stuck in the sequester house with a dirty, greasy, hateful whore. Of course, he would've been stuck with one of those regardless of who in the house got evicted.
For some reason, Karen seems more devastated than Twat 1 over Twat 2's ejection. Is it guilt? Empathy? Nah, she's just fucking nuts. Cowboy makes a reference to Adria/Natalie being a sister and a friend for the seventh time in the last two episodes. Cowboy will repeat this banal platitude several times over the next two eps. However, Cowboy thinks a banal platitude is a mammal from Australia, so let's just move on.
With Marvin as HOH, Diane and Nakomis (whom, thanks to Jillybob, I now lovingly call Jenny) thinks they're safe. Cowboy and Drew fear the worst for themselves, but Adria's deluded enough to think she still has a chance. Karen's just nuts. Diane and Jenny think that Marvin's smartest move would be to put them up for eviction, since they're all-powerful and unbeatable. Happily for them, Marvin isn't smart.
Next we are faced with the spectacle of the worst acting on display since the last Valerie Bertinelli made-for-Lifetime movie, as the houseguests try to pretend they give a shit about all of Marvin's HOH perks. After a few obligatory ooohs and aaahs, they leave Marvin alone with his Prince cds and root beer. Later, hanging out poolside, Diane fellates Marvin while he stimulates her leathery clitoris and they vow to go to the end of the game together.
Jenny repulses a nation by
revealing way too much about herself by counting out her 18 piercings, recalling the Rosanne Arquette scene from "Pulp Fiction" ("one in my lip, one in my clit...."). Sadly, nobody quizzes her on the difficulties of getting through airport security. Jenny spends a good deal of time trying to impress Drew and Diane with her sexually exotic adventures traipsing about Fetish Balls wearing only nipple clamps and a buttplug. Drew is overwhelmed. For Diane, it just sounds like another boring night with her homies. Sure, I suppose it's possible Jenny's a dirty little punk rock slut, but it sounds more to me like the elaborations of a bad liar who gets her ideas of sexual kink from repeat viewings of HBO's Real Sex. Regardless, the folks at home must be so proud.
A valiant effort is made to build suspense before the nominations, but there are no audible gasps when Marvin says "Adria, I nominated you because you're a
fat ugly cunt strong competitor. Cowboy I nominated you because you're dumber than the hair in jenny's armpit because you'd vote to save the fat ugly cunt Adria."
Adria approaches Karen about playing for her in the veto competition. While it's clear to everyone watching that Karen would rather clean all the men's rooms at Dodger Stadium with her tongue than do anything to help her, Adria doesn't seem to get the hint. Of course, Karen's nuts, so maybe Adria kept pushing the issue, hoping that one of Karen's personalities would say yes.
The housemates excitedly discuss from whom they would like to receive a phone call. Cowboy immediately bursts into tears. In this segment, we are reminded that someone married Adria!! Marvin says he'd like to get a call from some chick he banged on the set of Y&R. Drew wants a call from Jesus.
America shows it's
incompetence in voting once again by voting for Cowboy to get the phone call. Cowboy dissolves into a pathetic puddle of tears upon hearing the dulcet tones of his soon-to-be-wife. She's obviously been heavily made-up at the cosmetics counter at Wal-mart for the event. Too bad they didn't do anything about her hair. After she tells him that she got "the job" (and I didn't even know Dairy Queen was hiring!), she passes the phone to the unfortunately named Chason. Upon hearing the sound of Cowboy's voice, the realization that this tool is going to be his father finally hits the child with full force and the poor tyke bursts into tears. While crying, Cowboy's voice goes into MariahCareysingingEmotions/onlydogscanhearyounow territory. It truly is one of the most pathetic displays I've ever witnessed. And believe me, I've witnessed pathetic! Cowboy asks his housemates to say hi to Chason. Everyone screams HIIIIIII!!!, except Aunt Jenny who can only muster a half-hearted wave. After informing Cowboy that her father thinks he's a revoltingly cockless excuse for a man, April
cheerfully hangs up and moves on with her life. In the diary room, Cowboy says "Thank you America!!!" In his bedroom, MikeyMcBB says "Fuck you America!!!!"
After that whole drama, Adria once again starts in on Karen about the damn veto competition. There is much talk about how Karen hasn't won anything yet, so she probably won't win this one either, so obviously Karen is going to win.
With all but Diane playing, they embark on another dumbass competition, in which they shoot water from a water-gun onto a block of ice to get to the veto medal buried within. When they run out of water, they run to the pool to refill, except Drew and Cowboy, who start pounding on the ice with their cheapo-bought-at-Big-Lots water-guns. Karen manages to win, but who gives a fuck. She's still crazy. And Karen asserts that this means she's not a complete loser. We all know differently.
Despite her obliviousness, Adria at least has enough sense to see this as a loss. Karen takes a sleeping bag and sleeps outside to avoid Adria's yammering, but the persistent whore comes outside and pokes Karen saying "Are you awake yet? Are you awake yet?" until Karen wakes up. Perhaps Adria is trying to use some kind of Chinese water torture sleep deprivation techniques to get Karen to use the veto. I highly doubt it though. She's just an annoying whore.
Now it's time for the veto ceremony. Blahblahblah use the veto on me. Blahblahblah, no use it on me. Cowboy then does a mortifying homage to Marvin's veto dance. Karen announces that she's a pussy and will not use the veto because she wants to respect Marvin's
cock nominations. Jaws across the nation do not drop.
Thursday arrives, and after watching 4 days of yammering Republicans, watching BB5 is going to be like peeking in at a Mensa meeting. There's Julie Chen, wearing one of the least offensive outfits she's worn all summer. She still burns the retinas, though, so I must look away. Chenbot reveals the latest shocking DNA twist! A second eviction on Saturday! Well, that's only exciting for next week's summary writer, so fuck you!
Adria is now being called "the plague" behind her back (or right to her face for all I know), and is devastated that nobody has talked to her for 5 days. She still prays for them though. Retard. Adria cries to Karen and Drew about the mistreatment, but only Dim-bulb Drew is swayed by her bullshit. This leaves Drew contemplating (if such a word can be used to describe someone who has no brain) giving Cowboy the boot and he tries to convince Karen to vote with him, leaving the final tie-breaking vote to Marvin. Meanwhile, Adria has apparently purchased a six-pack of crazy from Karen, as she is now sitting in a deck chair talking to herself. Creeeeeeepy.
Talking live to the houseguests, Chenbot tells Karen that regardless of the veto win, she's still a complete loser. The she tells Cowboy that he's a crybaby pussy with a fat
fiancée and a weepy little faggot for a stepson. Moving on to Drew, she asks if the college he recently graduated from was a Clown College. Drew says "Duuuhhhh..." On a roll, she asks Jenny if that's a nicotine patch or another fucking lame-ass punk-poser tattoo. Smoke starts coming out of Chenbot's ears and she short circuits, repeating "Cool beans! Cool beans! Cool beans!" until we go to commercial so the Chenbot technicians can fix her program.
Marvin hatches a sinister plan to break up Drew and Diane. He kisses her on the forehead!! But his plan works beautifully because Cowboy overhears the over-exaggerated smooch and runs to tell Drew that he saw Marvin fuck Diane in the ass! Drew confronts Diane, but she can only recall a few minor tit-fucking incidents, so she claims innocence. "You're a whore! I can't trust you! Fuck off!" Diane sticks her fingers in her eyes to make herself cry, and Drew says "Aw, I was only kidding! But the next time he fucks you in the ass, we're through!"
Diane is clearly as confused by Drew's little mind game as the audience is. How can someone so simple-minded be playing mind games? It's like seeing a eunuch impregnate someone! It's just not done!
Chenbot interviews Marvin in the HOH room. Subtitles were not provided, so I can't say for sure what Marvin said. At one point, though, he said "I don't trust Diane as far as I could throw her, and that's not very far, 'cause she's put on a lot of weight lately." Cut to Chenbot nodding with no facial expression
whatsoever. Her program's been fixed!
In other news, Jenny manages to get through a diary room confessional without using the dreaded phrase "pinky swear." She does, however, use the phrase "flying under the radar," so she still owes a quarter to the
Meanwhile, back at the stately seaside sequester house, Hurricane Natalie swoops in to ruin Will's sunny day. He's still bitter, she's still praying for him, and his pants are riding dangerously low. Will claims that he's going to take the 'high road" and be "the better man," but I'm not sure if he can achieve this by aiming the champaign cork at Natalie's eyeball or giving loud obnoxious huzzahs to Jenny while he and Natalie sit, hand-in-hand, watching last week's HOH competition ("Yeah! You go Nakomis!! Show those fucking fitness twats who's boss!!") Then he starts talking about Karma Electra throwing a boomerang again. Natalie compares Will to Charles Manson. For some reason, he doesn't take it as a compliment.
Eviction time! Blahblahblah don't vote me out blahblahblah a friend, a sister blahblahblah if there's a tie, Marvin will break it blahblahblah go fucking vote blahblahblah AdriaAdriaAdriaAdria.
FUCK OFF ADRIA!
As she makes her grand exit, Adria tells her housemates that she will continue to pray for them, even though they're a bunch of lying cocksuckers and/or pussies and/or just plain nuts. Marvin calls bullshit, asking how she can be such a fucking snot when the entire first month of the game involved her and her sister lyinglyinglying to everyone! Adria says "Whatever" and runs out, clearly frightened that she has angered the black man. After she leaves, Marvin continues to rage on about what a sanctimonious cunt she is/was. Diane really enjoys the show.
Chenbot lobs some insipid softball questions at Adria, and she answers with yawn-inducing answers peppered with religious banalities. Crappy "journalist" that she is, Chenbot doesn't even mention the dreaded pinky swear! As Julie talks about the upcoming second eviction, she hears some oohs and aahs coming from Adria and thinks Adria is excited about the surprise booting that's to come. Adria, however, is finally off-camera for the first time in two months and is masturbating with a crucifix.
Now it's time for the next idiotic HOH competition. It's basically a true/false game, but they've made it much more exciting by adding a scientific twist!! When answering, they pour liquid from the T tube or the F tube into a beaker. If the fluid in the beaker turns blue
someone in the house has gotten knocked up the answer is correct. If not, that person is eliminated. Drew is obviously confused, so Julie says "Make pretty blue color," and this is all Drew needs to hear. Drew wins HOH and the other housemates enjoy being safe for another week. Silly assuming hamsters!! Just wait
till you find out! Just wait! Seriously, we have to take a commercial break, so WAIT!
Back in the living room, Drew says he wants a letter from Jesus, since the phone call didn't pan out. Little does he know that Jesus is busy helping Brandon and Nicole finish the Amazing Race without shaving their heads. Little does he know.
Finally, Chenbot breaks the news of the week's second eviction to the hamsters, and they are shocked SHOCKED I SAY! Drew's dumb seems to be catching, because as we fade to black, we hear the houseguests pondering the meaning of 48 hours (someone's going to be evicted tomorrow?) and wondering if Drew will be HOH for only 2 days.
These people suck, and that's sad. But at least I only had to deal with them for two days this week!
Archive > Television > Big Brother > Season 5