Guess what? We're in Dubai, and only five teams remain! Hurrah! On the minus side, five teams of these useless asshats still remain. That's ten whole asshats. Crap. Plus there's more bad news, as the first commercial break warns us of the premiere of
Survivor: Vagivoodoo, coming on Sept. 16. Ick. We return from commercial to see that -- double ick -- Kami and Karli are still with us, despite the best efforts of many foreigners and Brandon and Nicole's God. Of course, they have no money, but since they're whores, this should hardly be a stumbling block.
Teams must travel to Wild Wadi, the biggest water park outside of the US. It's so good to see TAR exposing the teams -- and us -- to the wonder of foreign cultures. Colin and Christie are first to leave. Christie's apparently forgotten her last beating. She's getting all feisty and telling Colin to watch out for camels, which he does not find remotely amusing. I'd happily jet over to Dubai and spit at Colin, thereby helping Christie out by at least simulating what camel's reaction to Colin would be. But sadly, my obligations to PS keep me stateside. Anyway, Christie, in voiceover, tells us that Colin's a pissy little tantrum-throwing fuck-up, which doesn't tell us anything we didn't already know, except that the voiceover booth is apparently out of Colin's swing zone. Next the Christian Models depart. Niki's pissed at the heathen mosques everywhere. They are on every corner, like Starbucks, and unlike churches in the US, which there aren't nearly enough of. Soon after, Chip and Kim head out, telling us that TAR has given them the honeymoon they never had. I know what they mean -- I hope that on my honeymoon, I can travel with other teams of hostile, unprincipled people, jetting to many foreign countries without actually seeing any of them, and only speaking to natives when I ask for directions or scream, "OLD Airport! OLD!" But I shouldn't knock Chip. He's just excited about seeing all the things out in the world that he'd never get to see at home. Like water parks. In other news, Bowling Moms leave, Brandon and Nicole get lost and ask some passing Bedouins for directions, and Kiki and Kuku ask a taxi driver for directions and then flash him their nonexistent tits for money.
Sadly, Colin and Christie do not get lost in the desert and rot away to a stupid set of bleached bones. Instead, they find the water park and must camp out
till morning. Chip and Kim soon join them. Colin says, "We can trust Chip and Kim." Kim says, "We're going to kill Colin in his sleep." Chip details their elaborate anti-Colin plan, which takes about 20 minutes to explain but basically boils down to, "Colin's a dick" Or, more specifically, "Colin's a dick, and if we simply let him be his dicky dicky self, he'll just get dickier and dickier until he dicks himself right out of the game."
Kandy and Kunty scam some British guy out of all his cash. It would seem he has some sort of twin fetish. Now, I understand that the twin thing is a universal fantasy, but if CBS has taught us nothing else this season, it's that sometimes "twins" is just shorthand for "twice the ugly."" Anyway, he empties his pockets AND leads them out of the desert darkness and to the water park, because life is just that fucking unfair. In short order, they and the other remaining teams arrive at the water park and spend the night. In the morning, everyone rushes inside and grabs numbers from a bulletin board which will determine their order in the next task. And what is that task, you ask? Well, the teams must climb to the top of a big ass water slide and slide down pretty fast. Phil tries to make it sound perilous, but really, any activity for which you'd normally have to stand in line behind an 8-year-old at Six Flags is somewhat lacking in terrifying dramatic tension. There's a lot of VERY exciting music, and everybody slides down and gets pretty wet. Blah. Now the teams have to fly to Calcutta and find a famous stone penis. It's actually just a big stone tower that looks vaguely like a penis, but I'm trying to bring a little more excitement to the reader than was available to the viewer.
The clue tells the teams to drive themselves to the airport, which everybody does. Everybody, that is, except Chip and Kim, who stupidly take a taxi, and the Bowling Bitches, who stupidly get halfway there before they realize that they stupidly forgot their fucking bag at the water slide. Those chuckleheads have to double back to the stupid water park. (Personally, I think that when you're so stupid that Kinky and Krappy have outpaced you, you should have to double back to the beginning of the evolutionary chain. But sadly, I'm not in charge of these matters.) The Bowling Bitches ask a taxi driver how to get to the airport and he suggests they follow him. They do, they get to the airport, and now he wants his whole fare of $40 and most definitely does not want the stinking five dollar tip they tried to palm off on him. They run from him into the airport, and he chases them in and tries to sick Security on them. The security guy, who looks a lot like a more mellow version of my already exceedingly mellow friend Carl, strolls in slow motion to menacing music. Nice try, Faux Carl. The Bowling Bitches may fear your wrath, but I've seen Brussels Sprouts that were scarier.
We come back from commercial, hoping against hope that the Bowling Moms will be thrown into Turkish prison, even though they're not in Turkey. (I'm pulling for some sort of obscure taxi-stiffing extradition law.) But no, 'cause it turns out the taxi guy wanted 40 dinars, not 40 dollars, and since 40 dinars is about fifteen dollars, they give it to him, and he leaves and it's just the most anti-climactic thing ever. And I wasn't remotely close to a climax to begin which.
Blah blah ticket buying blah everyone's on the same flight to India. But Chip and Kim have a later connecting flight from Mumbai to Calcutta. Their flight arrives ten minutes after everyone else, but Chip is convinced that this will be the end of them and possibly the end of the WORLD.
Ooh, look! Cobras! Woman in saris! India's exotic! Thanks, editors! Everybody but Chip and Kim arrives in Calcutta, jumps into taxis, and heads for the big penis. Of course, as with every other season, the teams are convinced that Calcutta's poverty exists expressly to annoy them. Which, of course, it does. The rest of the year, it's all champagne bubble baths and caviar samosas. The bowling moms like the pretty outfits, though. Colin comments on the beauty of the culture, and for a moment, it's almost hard to tell if he's being sincere or just a sarcastic asshole. Christie seems to think he's being an asshole, though, and she would know, since he's her asshole, so I'll go with her ruling. Asshole. Chip and Kim arrive and bitch and moan and whine and cry about being last. But wait! God has abandoned the Jesus models and caused their tire to go flat! Sadly, they are not run over in the street, but instead catch a new taxi. Meanwhile, as the other teams languish in traffic, Chip and Kim's taxi driver knows a fabu shortcut and they are soon whipping through back streets and cackling with glee.
Colin and Christie find the big penis first! They also find a
"Yield" but choose to skip it. But now there's a Fast Forward! Which they also decide not to use. Mother of Mercy, does it GET any more exciting than this? Apparently, yes it does, because we get to watch every single team formally renounce the Yield and the Fast Forward. It's a fascinating pageant of excitement and ceremony and I wish I could watch it forever, but now it's time for the Road Block.
Nothing -- I tell you, NOTHING -- could have prepared me for what happens next. I couldn't believe my eyes! I screamed aloud from terror! For the love of Brandon and Nicole's God, why didn't CBS have a WARNING at the beginning of the episode?
They have to make bricks from mud, and then a guy comes and approves the bricks, and then once they make 20 bricks they get the clue, and it's all I can do to get this sentence out without breaking down and weeping from boredom. Plus, because they are all huge losers, they all suck at the brick making, so in a long, excruciating sequence that makes me long for the rip-roaring thrills of the waterslide task, I am treated to footage of the guy inspecting and rejecting about nine billion bricks and making them start again. Meanwhile, the non-brick maker in each team offers constructive criticism and generally pisses the brick maker way the fuck off. Colin, in particular, pitches a major brick rage fit over Christy's urging. She mocks his impotence (at brick making, not at sex; she likes her jaw where it is). I am amused, which is good, because at this point I'm pretty sure I'm trapped in some sort of Mud Pies for Dollars Secret Circle of Hell. I am, however, pleased to note that Brandon is the worst brick builder ever! None of his ugly, stupid-ass bricks pass muster, and he and Nicole finally give up and run off to the Fast Forward, which makes me very VERY happy because, in order to complete the fast forward, both teammates must be shaved BALD! But wait -- if Brandon shaves his golden locks will he lose his powers as the Greatest American Asswipe? I can hardly bear the suspense. Back to the bricks. Colin done! Moms done! Chip and Kim done! Kookla sucks at building bricks, and her twin Karma is really quite bitter about it, proving that BB's Will is wrong and Karma doesn't always come around after all.
Those who have triumphed over the bricks now need to take a taxi to the train station, and a train to a larger station. Bowling Moms have no more rupees and no one will take their dollars or exchange their money (though this may be because they alternately ask for rubles and rubies). They pitch a hissy and can't buy tickets, so only Colin and Christie and Chip and Kim make the early train.
Wait a minute -- a train? It must be time for this year's Mass Transit in India is Scary for White People scene! Yay! Somebody
"grabs" Christie, and Colin is ready to "bust some ass". But Christie warns him not to anger the natives. She's not afraid of Indian people; she just knows that Colin's no good at hitting boys. Meanwhile, back at the bricks, Kooshie is making slow progress. Bowling Bitches have another shrieking fit at their taxi driver. This has become so commonplace that only the changing race of the driver shows me that AR is not just showing the same fit over and over. Though I guess they could just impose a new face on the driver each time in post-production. Hmm.
Hallelujah! It's time to shave the Christian Models! But, booo! Commercial break. Phone rings, and it's Mama Jillybob saying,
"Okay, seeing those two get shaved is definitely going to be the highlight of my week." I guess the media-whore-mocking apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Together, we wait eagerly for the show to return and the shaving to commence, and … FUCK! The models can't shave their heads because it would ruin their fabulous jet setting modeling careers! Damn it! Though, to be fair, the JC Penny catalog does have a strict
"No Bald Bitches" policy. The models decide to return to the bricks and not be bald. I am sad. On the other hand, knowing that they're last, Nicole is crying. I am happy! Oh, and Jesus is apparently there, being a comfort.
The Moms, having finished their weekly taxi fit and changed their money, are waiting for their later train. They are joined by Keeno and Karnak, the Twins of Matching Utter Uselessness. Meanwhile, the Colins and the Chips emerge from the Train of Groping and discover that it's time for the Detour. The choices? Heavy but Short -- move a non-working taxi a short distance to a garage, or Light but Long -- find the right flower stall among the hundreds at market. Let's just save some time and say right now that everybody chooses Heavy but Short. Chip once again relates his nefariously dull plot for destroying Colin. It seems to me he could just save time by explaining the plot to Colin himself until he falls asleep, but whatever. Meanwhile, the Christian Models return to the bricks, and Brandon completes them perfectly, to jubilant, Christ-like music.
Colin, Christie, Chip and Kim get many locals to help them push their taxi to the garage. The Moms and Twins soon do the same, although they go one better by getting the random natives to push BOTH their asses in the taxi, rather than having one team member help. Yay for lazy Americans! USA! USA! Once at the garage, teams learn that they have to go the Victoria Memorial for the PIT STOP. WHOOOO!
Back at the train station, Brandon befriends a small Indian child, displaying a compassion not unlike that of Our Lord, but Nicole doesn't like the darkies looking at her and coveting her alabaster loveliness. She's just not used to having people stare at her or focus on her looks, what with being a model and all. Anyway, Christie gets pushed onto the train and is gang raped, except for the sex or the violence or the part where the rapists are doing anything but trying to take the freaking train. So Brandon prays for her. Doesn't try to make his way to her. Just stands there on the train, hangs his head, and prays.
"Lord, help her." Hey Brandon, the Lord helps those who help their hysterical, bigot girlfriends! Or something like that. Somewhere in the train, though, they find each other, and huddle together to survive their ordeal. The ordeal of taking the train.
Colin and Christie, fuck it all to hell, are first at the pit stop. They are anointed and given a free goddamned fucking trip to
"Exotic Mexico". Thank God they didn't have to go to "Mundane Mexico". That place sucks. Chip and Kim are second. The Moms are third. Krusty and Kranky come huffing and puffing into fourth place. Phil is clearly torn, because it's not like he can honestly say with a straight face that they're not losers. But in the end, after a deliciously long pause, he has to let them stay in the race. Hours later, Brandon and Nicole are still schlepping through the night, and they finally drag their pathetic Jesus-loving asses to the pit stop. (I just want to clarify that their Jesus-loving asses are not pathetic for being Jesus-loving, but just for being pathetic asses in general. It's okay with me if your ass loves Jesus. I'm not here to judge.) They know the end is near, and sadly, not the End of Days, which would actually probably work out better for them. I wait, aquiver with joy, for the Axe of All That is Good to fall. The Axe of Phil.
GODDAMN IT TO HELL! FUCK YOU PHIL! FUCK YOU RIGHT UP YOUR AMBIGUOUSLY-ACCENTED ASS!!!!! FUCK CBS!!! FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!!!! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!
(I run out of expletives and we pause for moment while I go out to pick up more)
MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING NONELIMINATION BULLSHIT!!! FUCKING CUNTASS
WHOREMONGERS!!! FUCK BRANDON!!! FUCK NICOLE!!! MAY BRANDON AND NICOLE LOSE THEIR FAITH AND FUCK EACH OTHER UNTIL GOD KILLS THEM JUST SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WATCH ANYMORE!
<sigh> Brandon and Nicole are spared. And might I add, FUCK! Nicole says that the Lord really wants them in the game, and at this point, I'm almost starting to believe her. So FUCK YOU, G- ... um, well ... hey, you know what? It's not that I'm not willing to be bold and edgy, but I'm not 100% sure that the smiting thing is bullshit. And little steaming piles of ash can't type summaries. So it's really for all of you that I'm playing it safe. So ... uh.... Go Team God! Whooo!
Archive > Television > Amazing Race > Season 5