The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play. So we sat in the Shasta all that cold, cold, wet day. I sat there with Theo. We sat there, we two. And I said, "How I wish we had something to do!" Too wet to go out and too cold to play ball. So we sat in the Shasta. We did nothing at all. So all we could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!
Well, Theo did read People Magazine while he took a long shit. And the rest of us did not like it. Not one little bit.
And then something went BUMP! How that bump made us jump! We looked! Then we saw him step in from the back! We looked! And we saw him! The Brat in the Frat! And he said to us, "Dude, why do you sit there like that? I know it is wet and the sun is not like sunny. But we can do lots of stupid missions and like make lots of money! Dude."
"I know some good games, dude, we could like play," said the Brat. "I know some new tricks we can do today. LT can write poems and Kathryn suck dick," said the Brat in the Frat. "A lot of good tricks. I will show them to you, dude. The Roadmaster will not mind at all if I do."
Then Theo and I did not know what to say. The Roadmaster was out of the Shasta for the day.
But Msaada said, "No! No! Make that Brat go away! Tell that Brat in the Frat you do NOT want to play. He should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when the Roadmaster is out!"
"Now! Now, dude! Have no fear. Have no fear!" said the Brat as he screamed in my ear.
"My tricks are not bad, dude," said the Brat in the Hat. "Why, we can have lots of good fun, if you wish, with a game that I like to call Getting Married in Vegas!"
"Put me down!" said Msaada. "This is no fun to be carried! Put me down!" she said. "I do NOT wish to get married!"
"Have no fear!" said the Brat. "Dude, I will not let you fall. I will hold you up high as I stand with a beer in one hand and the other hand grabbing my balls! I learned this as a freshman while rushing for my frat! But that is not ALL I can do!" said the Brat in the Frat.
"Look at us! Look at us now, dude!" said the Brat. "I'll marry Msaada. Theo can do Kathryn, no pun intended. And LT will marry that other psychotic bitch whose name I forget. We don't need money. We've got American Express Cobalt Blue. They'll give us five thousand dollars to do anything we want to do!"
So we hurried to Vegas with the Brat. "Hurry! Scurry!" said the Brat in the Frat. At the hotel, Theo took a bath. He blew lots of bubbles with the Brat in the Frat! They swear they're not gay. The rest of us aren't so sure about that!
Kathryn and the bitch rented a limo that stretched for a block. We rode to the Little White Chapel while perusing the limo's wet bar stock.
Then we tried to pay the driver with an American Express Cobalt Card for the balance due. "What's that?" the driver asked the Brat in the Frat as he pointed to a sign on the dash. "In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash!"
At the Little White Chapel, we picked out our rings. Silver ones. Gold ones. Emeralds of green. Diamonds one too. Even a few with sapphires of blue!
But suddenly UH OH! with a great boom, we jumped back! Along came a Witch all dressed in black. She was an evil Wedding Planner with an attitude of great magnitude. But she was no match for the Brat in the Frat!
"You're wearing plain black," said the Wedding Planner Witch.
"Oh, no, dude, I'm not. I will not could not would not do that! Oh no, I won't wear a tux of plain black," said the Brat in the Frat.
The wedding went off without a hitch. The Brat in the Frat wore sunglasses to the chagrin of the Wedding Planner Witch.
Kathryn wore white which was quite funny. Because she's had sex with more guys than Bill Gates has money!
Then it was time to collect our Handsome Reward. And so handsome it was we all began to holler! Because for becoming media whores, Burned Many People Productions gave us each sixteen thousand dollars!
Sad we then turned because it was time to leave. Sad we then turned as we began to grieve. "But do not be sad, dude. Do not let your eyes turn gooey!" said the Brat in the Frat. "Because, dude, MTV will like air our reruns in perpetuity!"
And then he was gone with a tip of his hat. Then he was gone was the Brat in the Frat.
Then the Roadmaster came in and he said to us two, "Did you have any fun? Tell me. What did you do?" And Theo and I did not know what to say. Should we tell him the things that went on there that day? Should we tell him about it? Now, what SHOULD we do? Well...what would YOU do if the Roadmaster asked YOU?
Archive > Television > Road Rules > Season 09: Maximum Velocity