I`m out of Breath Just Watching This - Amazing Race finale
Amazing Race Season 5 - Episode 12

By Kvm711
9/24/2004

Stretch those hamstrings. Jog in place.
Ready? Set? GO!

It’s the final two legs of the amazing-est race known to man, short of only Hispanics, which could be argued is actually an ethnicity and not race, but that doesn’t stop Colin and Christie who must find a way to make money after being stripped of all their cash on the previous leg, so Christie resorts to kissing strange men while Colin marches all the way back to Kenya to murder the taxi driver in his sleep and retrieve the $50 he feels is owed to him while Chip strategizes that its time he unleashes his secret weapon, Kim, which if you believe for a single second that that means Kim will contribute a damn thing to her team, you’re more full of shit than Brandon who insists his team’s strongest asset is its faith in God, neglecting to mention the Sampson-esque power contained within his distressing curly locks and the Bowling Moms announce they are representing older women as if for some reason someone might confuse them as ambassadors of sexy coeds putting themselves through school by stripping then Colin and Christie think it would be great to get revenge on Chip and Kim for yielding them previously, failing to realize that the best way to do that would be by promising to keep in touch with them after the race and everyone gets in taxis to make the first of two charter flights to the island of El Nido which Chip and Kim sign up for as well as Nicole and Brandon who thank the Lord, prompting the Lord to shrug and ask “What do you think I had to do with it?” and though Brandon is happy with his lead, he decides not to count his chickens before they hatch, which is a good thing because I doubt he has any chickens given his obvious lack of a cock and the Moms and Colin and Hag have to take the flight leaving forty-five minutes later which makes Colin angry though it is barely discernable considering it is no different than the mood he is usually in while the leading two teams arrive in El Nido and board boats searching for which of three islands with a flag has the Philippine flag and Brandon and Nicole follow the married couple around so they don’t actually have to get out of the boat to check themselves, which gives Chip the idea to pretend that the correct flag is an incorrect one to make the models waste time, but the models catch on to this lie and act all offended as if Chip had no right to lie when really, the Christian duo should have been getting off their lazy asses and checking the clues themselves all along, then on the next mission involving finding a clam underwater Nicole starts freaking out as if she might be drowning, and one must wonder where her faith in God went at that moment, and Chip comes to help her and she flips out thinking a devious liar like Chip must have some kind of ulterior motive other than trying to rescue someone asking for help, at which point I really wish her fear of drowning was actually fulfilled rather than a desperate attempt at garnering attention, but then Brandon finds a clue in a clam and gives Nicole a pearl necklace for good measure while Chip finds a clue of his own as Kim waits on the shore because although they have a pool at their house, Kim can’t swim, which comes as no surprise considering Kim can’t seem to do anything, and both teams proceed to a rope climbing roadblock where Brandon doesn’t know what the word vertigo means because with all the religious indoctrination filling up that pretty little head of his, there’s no room for a decent vocabulary, and Nicole makes Brandon do the task because she thinks there’s no way she can beat Chip at anything except maybe righteous indignation, and I don’t think Chip and Kim even discuss who will be doing the challenge, because, well, duh, and then the Moms and Team Evil finally arrive on the scene with the Moms getting to the flag first and the footage is edited in such a way to portray Colin as the underdog, which is bullshit because his team has only won 80% of the other legs and it also all but reveals that he and Christie will not be eliminated this leg and makes me scream louder than the shrill Linda who incessantly shouts “faster faster” throughout the episode as if somehow that will make up for her team being slower than the service at a bowling alley concession stand and both these teams finally catch up to the others at the rope climbing roadblock because evidently it is difficult and while Nicole says she feels bad for never contributing, Kim noticeably says nothing and watches as Chip, who is progressing at a pitiable pace compared to Brandon, who thinks he’s a stud for racing past a heavier man twice his age, and he and Nicole end up finishing first and winning a vacation to the Caribbean on which they will both kiss each other on the cheek occasionally and have sexual fantasies about Phil from their separate beds while Chip is still struggling with Karen doing not much better and Christie eyes Chip’s slowness and sites karma, failing to realize that true karma would involve a boulder crashing upon this twat at that very moment, but finally Chip finishes, accompanying Kim for a second place finish and Colin passes Karen on the rope, and then gets in a kayak with Christie, which immediately tips over and demonstrates that karma just might exist after all, though unfortunately it does not knock them out of the race, that distinction going to last-placers the bowling moms who get all tearful and Momish, reflecting upon their kids and prompting Karen to decide it’s time to start a new chapter in her life, mainly one involving finding a new bowling team without the piercing, overbearing control freak known as her partner, Linda.

Quick, catch your breath; we’re not going to be resting for too long. here. We. GO.

All three teams board a plane to Canada, a country I would formerly make fun of until I realized that it is indeed superior to America, save for this upcoming night during which Colin and Christie will single-handedly depreciate it with their presence, and in fact, that team gets off to an early lead, aided by the fact that the icy climate matches their demeanor while Chip and Kim bring up the rear because, as Kim will tell you, she doesn’t “do” cold weather, as if she ever did warm weather either, and then the teams have to climb a hill wearing skis, which proves difficult for the women who keep complaining, so Chip ends up asking Jesus for help while Brandon tells Nicole to envision Jesus standing at the top of the hill waiting for her with his arms wide open and I suddenly realize that they really are a perfect match because Brandon has found the only partner in the world who wouldn’t proceed to laugh in his face for saying such an absurd thing, and finally Colin, not willing to be outdone by all the religious inspiration, keeps screaming “OH MY GOD!” at Christie, which is perhaps less encouraging then he seems to think, but they seem to get it together when it’s time for them to luge, quickly winning the task as Brandon and Nicole can’t complete the snow biking task fast enough prompting Nicole to throw childlike tantrums which indicate she might be more model-like than her appearance would suggest after all, and so eventually they switch to the luge task instead which is extremely simple because even if God isn’t on their side, gravity sure is, and then Nicole gripes to Brandon that she had wanted to do the luge all along and Brandon begins to have doubts about his relationship, which is unusual for someone who so clearly never questions his faith, but in the meantime he books himself on the same flight to Dallas as Colin and Christie and both pairs head to a hotel for a night of rest as Chip and Kim still find themselves on the luge course, having crashed twice already, and they finally succeed and call for airport reservations of their own, only to learn the late-breaking news that the earliest flight will be delayed a few hours, so they get tickets for the next-fastest flight instead, giving them an advantage in the morning over the other teams who finally beg their way onto the better flight to Denver, but have problems getting on the connecting flight to Dallas because they checked baggage with a different airline and they must accompany their luggage for security reasons, and thus the Christians and the Dickwads find themselves on a flight eighteen minutes behind Chip and Kim, who, in Dallas, struggle to run through a maze deemed too easy for most laboratory rats, and Colin and Christie, with the aid of a speedy town car driver, start to catch up as en route to the finishing mat, Chip and Kim get stuck in traffic and think it will take a miracle for them to win, and proving that miracles really do happen, Brandon and Nicole are presumably so far behind that they aren’t even being shown anymore, maybe having stopped to go to church, but unfortunately, Colin and Christie are still competing hard, having their driver drive on the shoulder past the traffic jam, which I feel is highly unethical, before I realize it can’t be any worse than that time Christie encouraged her driver to run pedestrians over, and now someone is about to reach the final pit stop and alternating shots make us wonder who will get there first, and it’s so freaking exciting, that I can’t sit still, and wait, wait, someone’s about to get there and thankfully it’s Chip and Kim and wooooooooooooooooooo, all the decent-loving people of the world rejoice and the previously eliminated teams greet the winners with applause, including Mirna, and although they have just won a million dollars, Chip and Kim still can’t help but be jealous of her, but mostly, they just love each other and it’s insanely cute, almost to the point of being annoying, except when we see Colin and Christie pulling up in second place and realize how much we prefer insanely cute to the alternative and Colin acts like a gracious loser, seeming to think one nice gesture is enough to erase a season’s worth of maniacal behavior then Phil congratulates the Dastardly Duo for being so “competitive,” which is really just the nicest way he could think of to call them assholes and after some more time Brandon and Nicole finally arrive fashionably late, which is rather appropriate considering they’re models, and Brandon says something about it not mattering because he’s blessed with God’s spirit or something, but he’s really going to have to remember to take his shirt off before he starts with this crap if he expects anyone to pay attention as Christie reveals there is no one she’d rather have run the race with than Colin, which goes to show how delusional she is and how I really hope they stay together forever if only to make each other entirely miserable and... we’re done.

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