WANTED: Dead or Alive Maimed
The Real World Season 15: Philadelphia - Episode 5

By CNormGo
10/6/2004

It started out badly. The very first voice we hear on this week's installment of Real World: Philadelphia is MJ's. He is setting up this week's storyline for us. Seems Karamo is fuming over the fact that MJ did not "have his back" during the big law enforcement showdown, and MJ feels this is both unreasonable and silly. After all, he whines to Sarah, it could have happened to anyone of them. Sarah says, "I suppose that is true, MJ, but maybe you could try to be a little more understanding, given that Karamo clearly does not see it as 'no big deal.' Perhaps there is something to his strong feelings on the subject. You should talk with him to see where he is coming from."

Of course she doesn't say that, what do you think this is, the real world? Sarah basically agrees that Karamo needs to shut the fuck up about it already. Then she asks MJ to take her NOW! in front of the refrigerator! MJ doesn't have time for that, though, he has to go piss and moan to Landon. He says the way Karamo is treating him is akin to telling your Mom to fuck off. Why can't a brother see that MJ is just trying to be there for him? Karamo should be damn GRATEFUL that MJ is willing to help the likes of him! Excuse me while I point out the obvious for a moment – according to MJ, Karamo is a dramatic crybaby who needs to get over it already, yet for the past 7 minutes MJ has been complaining about the injustice in HIS life. Think anybody points this out? Uh, no. They all nod and agree, and MJ is now under the misguided notion that he is some sort of paragon of all that is right and good with white people. He is NOT a racist, dammit. And his white roommates could not agree more.

Meanwhile, over at Irony Central, Karamo is sick and tired of the whiteys. They just do not get him. You too, Shavonda, ya little bitch. This kind of stuff happens to him CONSTANTLY, he says. Which kind of makes you wonder why he is being such an enormous baby about it, but I suppose I would be annoyed, too. Anyway, the way he chooses to deal with it is to complain to his "son" on the telephone. While all the racist pigs are eating dinner, Karamo and his son angrily recount Karamo's ordeal, and, more infuriating, MJ's reaction to it. Karamo's son acts appropriately appalled, yelling out "WHAT!?" every few minutes as Karamo tells the story of his harrowing experience. Karamo's confessional tape insists that MJ should be trying to understand him. BMP dramatically cuts away to the dining room table, where all the oppressors are happily eating dinner as if Karamo had not just been ruthlessly harassed mere hours before. Karamo thanks his son for understanding the plight of the misjudged black man and hangs up the phone. He does not go into the kitchen to open a dialog about race relations, much to my surprise.

Later, we see the curly headed nimrods walking down the street. A car passes, profanities are shouted and it looks like trash is thrown out the window at them. It couldn't have been trash, though, because I'm pretty sure that Sarah is back at the house. In any case, it propels us into a fun montage I like to call, "Everybody hates the Real World." MJ tells us that Philadelphians are not very brotherly, and the next shot is someone yelling "you suck!" Ha ha. I am amused, because I figure it must be a pretty significant problem if BMP is willing to actually show the disdain, because we all KNOW that Philadelphians are not the first people to hate Real Worlders. BMP must have very little tape that does not feature some sort of citizen outrage. Yet, they manage to avoid showing us any actual action in the next scene, which is basically MJ and Landon in a bar with MJ's voice over telling us that one of the patrons lobbed a bar stool at him. This is where we find out today's very special lesson: BMP was showing us that footage to prove that ALL of the roommates face harassment, so Karamo, is, in fact, acting like a big ol titty baby. When Curlys 1 & 2 get home, they tell the roommates all about how much everyone hates them. What should be a moment of enjoyment for us turns to pain, because it earns us a stern talking to from Sarah, who tells us we are just jealous, and that's sad. Karamo wanders upon the scene, and Landon breathlessly tells him of MJ's near death experience. Karamo looks positively under whelmed, but Landon misses the signals and implores Karamo to talk to MJ. I am hoping that Karamo goes and tells MJ to get over it, it could have happened to any one of them. Too late, though, because MJ is already telling us in his confessional tape that he is already over it, unlike SOME people who just can't let shit go. SOME people think every single time a cop wrongfully arrests you; it must be because of race. Sensitive twits. MJ's experience PROVES that bad shit happens to EVERYONE. This simply reinforces the already corroborated fact that Karamo is a reactionary moron while MJ is a reasonable and mature moron. That's what I took away from the entire scene.

Except that the scene isn't over. "Over it" MJ is still discussing it in the bathroom and Karamo mutters "Karma is a bitch" under his breath. MJ does his best Miss Crabtree: "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" And Karamo says – get this – "I want some strawberry jelly." Or something to that effect that TOTALLY does not rhyme with "karma is a bitch." Karamo is blowing my mind. First, he totally surprised me when he came out. Then, he introduces the term "homo-thug." Then I find out that he apparently has a grown son. And now, perhaps the ultimate betrayal – a black guy that can't rhyme. MJ buys his dumbass jelly comment, anyway. Crisis averted.

Okay, now for the moment we have all been waiting for: what kind of cool job will the roommates be able to complain mercilessly about this season? Well, they receive a message that they will be working for….The Philadelphia Soul. Yeah, I never heard of them, either, but it turns out that it is Philadelphia's AFL team. And, not only that, but Jon Bon Jovi is the co-owner! Well, you could have knocked MJ over with a feather. Or JBJ's feathered hair, anyway, because MJ is clearly smitten with the idea of seeing JBJ's bangs. But first, he has to remind us that he is not homosexual by telling us how hard it is to watch the team practice and witness all the camaraderie between the players. Because, you know, he's a big football star and all. It was his life, its what he is all about. Ummm, MJ? If you want to make sure everyone thinks you are the most heterosexual man in the history of heterosexuals, you might want to lay off the man-on-man imagery that is professional sports.

So what will these idiots be doing for The Soul? Well, they are going to meet with the team mucky-mucks to find out. They look to be serious about putting these drips to work, and Landon is excited to be around people with actual jobs.

Obviously, upper management of The Soul hates the fine citizens of Philadelphia, because they are foisting the RW gang onto the community. Yes, that's right – the 7 most useless people in Pennsylvania will be near your children, wandering your streets, and lowering your property values. Worse, they will be getting paid for it. On the way home, Karamo makes a wrong turn and brings the gang straight into the ghetto. Or at least that is what he calls it. He seems to be taking enjoyment in scaring those racist roommates of his…they all look whiter than normal. He tells us that he feels more at home in the ghetto, so he doesn't mind that they are lost there. Bitch, please. Your little quest to get the roommates to understand you just took another step backwards. WHO ARE YOU? Seems like he takes on a different persona every week, and I don't like any of them.

Neither do the other roommates, apparently, because they are talking smack about Karamo, even the other gay one (Willie, not Landon. Or MJ, for that matter). MJ takes time out for sanctimony as he tells the confessional that he just wants to "be there" for Karamo. Poor, poor misunderstood Karamo. I'm sure he really needs help from the likes of MJ to get him through life. Oh-oh! Karamo is home! It is going to be so obvious that the roommates are talking about him if they do not THINK FAST! Willie saves the day. He shouts out "KARAMO! GO TALK TO MJ" before the man even gets his foot in the door. Smooth. Karamo isn't really buying it, preferring to move the boulder-sized chip from one shoulder and onto the other. He tells MJ that he must be imagining the tension between the two of them, because everything is cool. He tells us in voiceover that forgiveness is not his strong suit (no shit?) and then questions why it is that he should ever forgive anyone. Good plan, Karamo. Just walk around pissed off all the time. That'll show them.

The gang is preparing for their first night at work. They'll be going out onto the field and tossing t-shirts into the stands. But more importantly, they get to meet the man himself, Jon Bon Jovi. Landon and MJ do a horrible job at hiding their deep and abiding sexual attraction to JBJ. Landon was tongue-tied, had butterflies in his stomach and got flop sweat. MJ went ahead and admitted outright that he thought JBJ looked mighty cute in them jeans. Actually "tight little jeans" is the way he put it. JBJ tells the roommates that he wants them to help him with a recreation facility for children in underprivileged neighborhoods. The blonde girl thinks this is swell. I did not catch her name, but she appears to be one of the roommates. So that's it then. The children are going to have to suffer because BMP couldn't find a Cheesesteak stand willing to employ these goofs.

This has been the longest 30 minutes of my life, and I feel like I have started watching all over from the beginning because Karamo is STILL moaning about how MJ does not understand him. Dude, I have a few questions for you…first of all, who really cares if some closeted dipshit from Backhoe, Tennessee understands you? I mean, does it matter in the big scheme of things? He can't even find a decent hairdresser, and yet you think he should be able to comprehend the complexities of being black in America? And secondly, do YOU even understand you? You appear to only barely accept your sexuality; you are desperate for people to see you as a "thug," yet when people treat you like a thug, you get offended. You got more personalities than Sybil, and all of them are unappealing.

So Karamo has decided that he should make up with MJ (because this particular personality is all about forgiveness), and he bares his soul to Sarah, hoping for some guidance. She tells him that if he goes out and fucks lots of random guys, then he too can achieve the inner peace that she possesses. Karamo decides to be straight (haha) with MJ, and he tells MJ the same damn thing he has been saying through the whole freaking episode, which is that MJ was not his "boy" the other night at the Philly Cop Jamboree. It works, though, and they do that fake man-hug thing and all is happy and fun again in The Real World: Philadelphia.

Next week: I've done enough for you people for one day. Suffer.

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