This is the true story (TRUE STORY!) of 7 boring cock-trolls who do nothing, who have their lives taped as they do nothing, and leave us waiting for something to happen while they're doing nothing.
As we begin this week's agonizing journey, Shavondra is reading aloud from a book of erotic literature, causing Landon to hump her leg. Despite the girlish giggles (Shavonda's, not Landon's), I fear we're just a pulled blanket away from having "it wasn't not funny" redux. Could this be the moment that something finally happens this season? No. After a bad Austin Powers impression (is there any other kind?) fails to seduce her, Landon slinks back to his bed and collapses in sexual frustration.
Later, Shavona's lying on a mattress on the floor, lovingly cradled in the warmth of MJ's armpit as she gloats over tormenting horny Landon. Her solution is for Landon to fuck MJ, which seems to arouse his
cock curiosity. During her confessional, Shavon seems to have been dipping into Pedro Martinez's supply of Soul Glo, causing people around the country (at least those in PSChat) to start singing the Soul Glo jingle for hours.
Next we're treated to an adorable game of look-at-my-cock as Landon puts it on the glass while showering. Melanie develops a sudden craving for Vienna sausage. As Shavo and Landon continue to flirt repulsively, MJ proclaims that they will "do it" within 3 weeks, while Sarah and Melanie take it all in disinterestedly while sitting in holes carved in the wall, looking like Goldie Hawn and Judy Carne sitting around the Laugh-In set waiting for the director to get Richard Nixon to say "Sock it to Me!" on cue.
MJ--"Believe it or not, Landon and I are going to another gay club." MJ, we believe it. Landon is apparently unaware of the alcohol content of martinis and proceeds to drink them like they're shots of tequila. Suddenly, Landon has a drinking problem, and this concerns Shav greatly...not because she gives a shit about her roommate, but because he might drop her while doing a dance number from Showboat or something. Twat.
Commercial break: Okay, we get it! Jamie Foxx is going to win an Oscar for "Ray." Now leave us the fuck alone!
After more choose or lose bullshit from Puff Daddy, we come back to find that Landon has another personality named Leo. As Leo drunkenly asks Shav a question about a church, she becomes frightened by the crazed look in his eye as he shakes a Magic 8-Ball. The next day, Landon has no memory of Leo's actions, but rumor has it Trump is going to fire his ass.
Melanie gloats because she found "serenity" at a bar on her own without her asshat roomies tagging along. I'm not sure if she's talking about serenity the adult diapers, or serenity the Joss Whedon Firefly movie, or what the fuck, but she's very happy and refuses to tell anyone the name of the bar so that she can be the only me-ho present. MJ is offended.
Later, Melanie also manages to offend Sarah by proclaiming that she could never be bulimic because she hates to throw up. Sarah, who loves to throw up, tells us "Something I've learned is you don't have a right to have an opinion about EVERYTHING." Sarah tells Willie and Karakas what Melanie said. Willie is appalled, but Krakatoa doesn't give a shit. Neither do we.
Shav: "Landon's drinking is now a problem." She complains about the drunkard to Shaun and compares him to Dudley Moore, circa "Arthur."
Commercial break: Why does it look like Bono is singing into a cock in that ipod commercial?
Melanie gets drunk at her super-secret new hangout and makes a late-night drunken call to her poor bastard of a boyfriend, who is unable to understand what the fuck she's talking about. Since subtitles are not provided, I don't know what the fuck she's talking about either. In the morning, Mel pukes. She hates to puke.
Mel and Sarah go to volunteer with dogs or something and of course they're late and they leave early. Back at the house, they get into the
cess pool hot tub, and Melanie spins a yarn about her adoption and foster care and blah blah blah whogivesafuck.
Now comes time for the Ruthie moment as Sha decides to confront Landon over his drunken Leo exploits. In the confessional, Landon says "What can I do? I love the nightlife. I love to boogie." Landon tells Sh that he somehow skips the step of getting a buzz, and goes right to stinkin' drunk and he apologizes. S says she'd like it if he didn't drink for the rest of the time they're there. Landon says he has to take responsibility, or some kind of Dr. Phil bullshit.
And that's it. No drama. No excitement. No sex. Just a gigantic half-hour void of suck hovering over a pool of Soul Glo. I'd say I picked the wrong week to
quit sniffing glue do a summary, but that's pretty much the way it's been all season, and it ain't gettin' any better.
Archive > Television > The Real World > Season 15: Philadelphia