Kimono Wanna Hate Ya!!!
America`s Next Top Model Season 3 - Episode 10

By Nabisco
12/4/2004

This episode begins in the Capsule Hotel, Japan, where our rabid bitches are confined in their respective kennels. Their guide comes in and awakens them to say that apparently there's been an outbreak of parvo and kennel cough, so our bitches need to move to a quarantine. Actually, Eva explains, they're moving to a Japanese style home in Tokyo. I can't believe ANTM producers found such a place on.location.in.JAPAN!

Ann foreshadows the bitch fight in the previews by saying her relationship with Eva has totally changed since the beginning. In the beginning, they were on equal footing in suckitude. However, throughout the competition, Eva has had good pictures, while Ann admits to having terrible ones. Eva is such a bitch!

Actually, the entire house has made Eva the odd bitch out. Amanda describes the house having a mob mentality. Way to project onto an inanimate object, Blindy. Although it's clear, even to her, that Eva is faking her niceness.

After they unroll their mats, the girls have moved in, and it's time for Japanese tea and sweets. It seems a "sweet" is a blob of tasty Purple gelatin. Norelle doesn't "get" Japanese food. If she gets Japanese food at home, it's from Panda Express.

The girls are told they will be learning the art of the Japanese Tea Ceremony.

The famous Yoko Oh-No! Takahashi, tea ceremony expert, begins to explain the relevance and intricate procedures of the ceremony to the girls. Amanda begins bawling, as this may be the last time she'll ever see tea again. It may be just me, but I find the most enjoyment and sensory stimulation from actually drinking tea, not pouring it in my eyes.

The girls are instructed in the fine art of opening tiny doors, walking, bowing, sumo wrestling, drinking tea, eating sweets, and kamikaze warfare. Yoko Oh-No Takahashi admonishes the girls that "Most rude thing is to just bite the sweets." I guess they're encouraged to suck it all down like a good geisha.

Norelle is overwhelmed in the detail overwhelming in the rituals. I understand her confusion, as her brain is overwhelmed just spelling "tea." Still, she doesn't even try and giggles, mugs and passes notes to her friends through the entire instruction.

A vomit-nducing confessional from Yaya has her bent over kissing her own ass while she brags that she is told all the time how respectful and humble she is – except for last week when Tyra told her to go eat a big ass piece of humble pie.

The next day, they have to perform the tea ceremony in front of tea ceremony experts and famous kimono designer, Kyoko Higa. The "carrot" is a prize is a visit to a hot springs spa out in the country.

One by one, the girls perform their tea ceremony. Color commentary is provided by Yoko Oh-NOOO!! Takahashi.

They all make minor errors except for Norelle, who stuffed the remains of a partially eaten sweet into her designer kimono. Yoko says, "Norelle, didn't do very nicely." Which translates to "What a clusterfuck!" in Japanese.

Yaya wins. Eva is outraged and demands a recount, citing a conspiracy with the electronic voting system. In another stunning decision, Yaya chooses Blindy to go with her.

The hot springs spa is the most beautiful thing ever seen on this show full of supposed top model material. The two girls are shown entering the hot springs, although Amanda seems to have taken a wrong turn into the kitchen. As she is shown getting into the "spa," she remarks that it's all "rocky" on the bottom and oh so warm. What Blindy doesn't realize is she's accidentally entered the kitchen and stepped into a boiling stew pot, and those "rocks" are potatoes for the nijujaga (bitch and potato stew) on the menu for lunch. I guess Eva isn't the only one to be chewed up and spit out. But I get ahead of myself.

Somehow, Amanda finds her way to lunch with Yaya. Before partaking in some fish soup that apparently Amanda "made," Yaya says something said many a time in college: "Let's take a moment and appreciate the bowl." Oh yeah, they are so geisha material. If only they would shut the fuck up.

Yaya and Amanda return and everyone goes out for a night on the town. Eva is distanced from the other four. Personal tension can be cut like a pick through a sweet.

TyTy shows up to slum with the "model wannabes" and checks in to see how the girls are surviving.

Ann pipes up about having trouble reconciling her first impressions (Eva's a bitch). Tyra waxes about the sisterhood that exists in modeling – even with the evil stepsister, Naomi. TyTy says there's no such thing as a bitch, but a hurt soul. Tyra can really monologue. STFU!

After Tyra leaves, the girls have at it on their "sister" Eva. Ann calls Eva two-faced and exposes Eva's desire for Norelle to do badly in her pictures. Eva says she never intended to hurt anyone – just maim them. Eva retorts, "Oh yeah, Ann said Norelle was fat. So there!" Norelle mugs and boo-hoos to the camera, "One wants me to have shitty pictures, and the other thinks I'm fat. Boo-boop-dee-doop, wah."

Yaya jumps in and tells Eva she makes her want to study psychology. Eva comes back with, "Yaya, you make me want to study dermatology." Actually this bitch fight is about as boring as arguing over how good or bad a movie is. The editors mercifully cut the "smackdown" session short.

Photoshoot time!! The girls are met by Jay the silver-topped queen and a scary-looking Tyra, sans make-up. Yeesh, who punched Tyty in the eye eye? Their photo shoot involves posing with a cellphone wearing Kyoko Higa kimonos open, exposing bras and panties. Old meets new meets crappy Victoria's Secret product placement.

Tyra thinks these girls need to see how the professionals work it like the rent is due tomorrow. So Tyra does her thang for film, while the fashion virgins watch and learn. The girls watch and nod their heads, which is just a reflex for all the times people have tried to explain difficult things to them, like how to walk.

Next up, our contestants:

Amanda's emulation of Tyra looks more like Stevie Nicks twirling in scarves. Yaya tries her dancer moves, and then drops the cellphone. Graceful, Yaya! Norelle's expressions are empty, much like her head. Ann's complete lack of body awareness is akin to the late Christopher Reeve, but he had an excuse. Eva is "Working for the children as if the rent is due tonight," and nails the photo shoot while a seething Ann looks on.

Judgment time, and we're "One step closer to finding out who is going to become America's Next Top Model." Designer Kyoko Higa is tonight's guest judge, and the girls come into the final judgment room modeling her latest kimono creations.

Amanda wobbles in on flip flops. She is criticized for not having enough personality, however I forget what everyone else says after I hear Nigel's pronunciation of "sparkle." Say it again, baby! "Spah-kle." Heaven.

*Ahem* Where was I? Oh yes, Ann.

Kyoko comments on Ann's powerful walk, which is okay for jeans, but not for a kimono. TyTy comments Ann pulled a "Monkey see, monkey don't."

Yaya comes in en pointe, pirouettes and uses a grand jeter to leave. Graceful, but we got it. You're a dancer. Marvy.

Norelle stumbles in (is there any footwear this bitch can walk in? These are flip flops for dog's sake!) She's told she looks sick.

Eva comes in, obviously holding back tears. Mother TyTy asks what's wrong. As Eva tearfully explains, everyone tells her to shut it. Everyone loves Eva's shot, but she should save the drama for her mama.

The final two: Ann-drogenous and Norelle (giggle, mug!). One is prettier in pictures, and the other is prettier in real life. Modeling requires both, but which is more important? Apparently a model that looks beautiful in person is more valuable than one that is photogenic, because Norelle leaves. This crazy modeling business makes my head spin. Then again, here is Norelle's best shot. You be the judge:

Despite the fact that Norelle can't walk in any footwear, hates everything Japanese, insults the sacred tea ceremony…Kyoko says with a knowing look, "Norelle would be very popular in Japan….very." Norrelle, there's a future for Anime porn for you. You'll be turning Japanese before you can say "washitashi," which actually may take a while.

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