Christmas Crap
Survivor Season 9: Vanuatu - Finale

By Blotto
12/15/2004

Bah Humbug. Santa didn’t grant my Christmas wish this year and allow Dr. Kevorkian to perform an early mercy killing of this bloated Survivor season. Instead, we are left with the usual 2-hour overkill of predictable challenges, sentimental garbage, and final Tribal Council presumptuousness. I wouldn’t say this is like getting a lump of coal for Christmas. I would say it’s more like eating a lump of coal that has been stored in Star Jones’ ass, sautéed in dog crap, and force-fed to you over a dinner with Nicole Richie. You’ve screwed me for the last time, Santa!

If you missed any of this season, the first 10 minutes of the finale are a recap. Unsurprisingly, these 10 minutes contain just as many entertaining moments as the entire season. To paraphrase Churchill, “Never have so many people we never knew, done so much that we don’t remember, for a finale we will soon forget”. Next season they should just condense everything into a 2-hour finale and stop wasting our fucking time.

The final four have just booted Julie and arrive back at Alinta (with all of this show’s cross-promotion, I never knew if Alinta was a tribe name, a cholesterol drug, or a new sedan from Dodge). Eliza starts whining about getting lied to. Twila goes off on Eliza, basically telling her she’s worthless and weak. Eliza calls Twila a dumb bitch. The once almighty female alliance has been reduced to tattered shreds. *Sigh* It’s very sad to see that the mid-‘90s philosophies of the Spice Girls’ Girl Power movement have already been lost on today’s women. If the Survivor girls had been in charge of the Women’s Suffrage Movement, women of today wouldn’t even be allowed to vote for Hollywood’s Sexiest Super-Hunk.

The first immunity challenge is a giant vertical maze. It looks like a huge pachinko machine, and I hoped the survivors would be dropped in the top and pinball bounced down to the ground. No luck. Each survivor has to find 10 blocks in the maze, unwrap the blocks, and spell out a two-word phrase. Twila, Chris, and Eliza get off to a fast start, while Scout does her usual trudging along behind. Watching Scout compete in the challenges is like that story of the race of the tortoise versus the hare, except this time the hare stays disciplined and kicks the tortoise’s ass. Chris is the first to spell out the phrase “Scout Sucks” and wins immunity.

Eliza sees herself on the chopping block and becomes even more hyperactive than usual. She makes demands from Chris. She tries to convince Scout to side with her. She makes more demands from Chris. She needs to watch out. The last time a woman was this demanding and annoying, Robert Blake took her out to dinner for Bullets à la carte.

Everyone seems relaxed at Tribal Council, except for Eliza. Everyone knows what that means, except for Eliza. She gets booted 3-1. She tries to give Chris an evil death stare, but in her emaciated state she looks more like Starvin’ Marvin begging for a cracker. Her exit interview is a showcase for the bitchiness and snottiness that left her with no friends on the island. Her Survivor bio gives her profession as “Pre-law student” (BWAHAHAHAHA!). If Mark Burnett has any sense, he will turn her first argument before a judge into a national TV special. Let’s see you bring that attitude before Judge Joe Brown, Miss Sassy-Pants! Meanwhile, the three stooges (Twila is a dead ringer for Moe) celebrate their newfound peace and quiet by spending all night talking about their newfound peace and quiet.

The next morning, the crew rows to a nearby island haunted by the spirits of Chief Roy Matta (poisoned by his brother, Siegfried Matta) and his buried-alive wives and tribemates. There they will face the final immunity challenge. I pray to the spirits that the challenge doesn’t involve swimsuit modeling, or I will have to visit the spirits in my liquor cabinet. Speaking of spirits, the Ghost of Survivor Losers Past takes the scrooges on the traditional walk down Loser Lane to remember all of this year’s bootees. Who the heck were these people? Honestly, at least ten of them could have been replaced at the reunion special by random audience members and nobody would have known (and if you would have known, you really need to get out more).

They finally arrive at Roy Matta’s grave to offer gifts of thanks:

Chris: “Uh, remember when we shimmied up that Vanuatu stripper pole to get a rock? Well, here’s the rock.”
Scout: “And here’s a cheap staff.”
Twila: “And here’s a piece of wood.”
Scout: “Mekka-Lekka-Hi Mekka Hiney Ho”

Thanks, Survivors. The spirit of Chief Roy Matta can finally rest in peace

Hey kids, do you know what time it is? It’s standing on a pole time! The umpteenth variation of this challenge involves standing on two stumps while holding a bow and arrow in the cocked position. If you fall or move the arrow too far forward, you’re out. Scout and Twila don’t see how they can easily win and get to the final two. Scout just has to pretend to fall down, and at the same time shoot Chris in the ass. Then Twila wins and takes Scout to the finals. It’s genius! Actually, Chris might not feel an arrow in his huge ass, so she could shoot him in the brain instead. Come to think of it, that probably wouldn’t change anything either. Anyway, Chris wins.

At tribal council, the final three make a lot of bullshit comments while the ousted girls roll their eyes and act all holier-than-thou. They look like the popular girls lunch table at PMS High School (Home of the Fighting Mood Swings). Chris does the smart move (that’s the first and last time you will see “Chris” and “smart” in the same sentence) and boots Scout, leaving Twila for the all white-trash final two.

With that hour-and-a-half of riff-raff out of the way, we finally come to the last tribal council, where almost nobody leaves without making an ass out of themselves. After boring opening statements, the interrogation begins. Chris has apparently learned to answer questions by watching Miss America pageants, while Twila appears to have gone to Dick Cheney Charm School:

Eliza: “Twila, you’re a lying bitch, and Chris, you’re a lying bitch, and blah blah blah me me me blah blah blah and mommy never bought me a pony and daddy never bought me a Porsche and I want a golden goose and I want it NOW and I want an apology!”

Twila: “Screw you!”

Chris: “I apologize for lying to you. People should not lie. People need to learn that working together in peace and harmony can accomplish anything! Join me, Eliza, and we will reach for the stars!”

Julie: “I don’t have a question for Twila…”

Twila: “Screw You!”

Julie: “Chris, I didn’t think I would get emotional but I’m starting to cry boohoo boohoo but why did you lie to me boohoo boohoo and everyone’s always “Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!” boohoo and I’m so excited, I’m so… scared boohoo boohoo... “

Chris: “You’re like a little sister to me, and the world needs more people to act like brothers and sisters. I even brought your hat, and – NO! Twila! Don’t wipe your ass with that! Aw, darn. Anyway, we need to place more value on family. Family is the way of the future!”

Leann: “Twila, you swore on your son’s life you wouldn’t vote for me…”

Twila: “Go fuck yourself! You never asked me if I liked my son. I’m working three jobs to pay for our asses. Things would be a lot easier if he disappeared. So screw you and him!”

Chris: “Although you didn’t ask me a question, I just have to say that I love puppies.”

Ami: “Can either of you tell me what qualities you have that give you the right to sit there while I have to stand here? Do you know who I am? I’m Ami! And I’m a god-damned barista! A BARISTA!”

Twila: “Screw YOU, Jiggles!”

Chris: “You’re standing there because you have better qualities than me. While I’m cold, you’re compassionate… and caring… and smart… Did you ever know that you’re my heeeeroooooo…”

Chad: “How have you changed the most?”

Twila: “Screw you, Peg-Leg!”

Chris: “I’ve learned how genuine the members of the jury are. All of you sitting there, you are the real winners of Survivor. Go ahead and give yourselves a hand!”

Sarge and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Shirt: “I hate Twila, because she’s cast her son to hell…”

Twila: “Screw you, Jarhead!”

Sarge: “Chris, are we still friends?”

Chris: “In good times, and bad times, I’ll be on your side forever more… ‘cause that’s what friends are for.”

Scout: “Twila, thank you for always being Twila.”

Twila: “SCREW Y… oh, you’re welcome.”

Scout: “Chris, I just want to say you’re answers are bu- and you’re full of bu- and you’re up to your ears in bu-… (Ed. Note: At first I didn’t realize they were editing out the word “bullshit”, and I thought she was calling him her boo. For the life of me, I couldn’t think of why she would call him her boo, then an image sprang to mind and I became quite nauseous)

Jeff Probst: “Chris and Twila, now it’s time…”

Twila: “Screw You!”

Jeff: “I was just saying it’s time for closing arguments.”

Twila: “Screw you anyway! See this middle finger? Sit on it and take it for a spin!”

Chris: “Many of you are unhappy that I lied, but let me tell you why I lied. I did it for the children. Children are our most precious resource, and we must take care of them at all cost. …I believe the children are our future/ teach them well and let them show the way/ show them all the beauty the possess insiiiiiiiide…”

Twila: “Aw, fuck all y’all! When this is over, I’m going to find out where you all live and take a dump on your lawns!”

The jury votes, Jeff takes the tribal cookie jar and heads off into the macho male-posturing montage. Here’s Jeff hacking through the jungle. Now he’s skydiving from a plane. Now he’s on a motorcycle wheeling through the desert. All that was missing was the Team America/South Park montage song (…To show us a passage of time/ We’re going to need a montage (montage)/ It takes a montage (montage)…).

We are now in Hollywood a few months later. Chris and Twila have “cleaned up” (*shudder*). They look like your average Midwestern couple out for a Valentine’s dinner at Cracker Barrel. The votes are read, and Chris wins 5 to 2. He leaps into the air, runs to hug his pony-tailed friends, checks his microphone… and then hugs his fiancée. Ya’ think he may have some women issues after this whole thing?

One final gift for you before this Ghost of Christmas Crap ends this journey: Invest in Nascar and Waffle House. They are about to get an influx of 1 million dollars.

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