Hi Grandma, how are you?
Really? Those fools down at the Social Security office are no match for you. Remember the time they kept questioning you about your ex-husbands and you said, “Honey, I’ve planted all five of them”. Hahahahaha!
Yeah, that did shut them up good.
Oh, it’s great to see you too, Grandma. I love our visits. How would you like to watch a TV show tonight? It’s on regular TV so if you like it you could…
No, Grandma, no cable or satellites are necessary.
I know that you get excellent reception with your rabbit ears and foil. Let me tell you a little about this show because it’s about to start. It’s called Survivor and it’s a reality show, and
No, no, you won’t have to look at Donald Trump’s rug, this is a whole different show. Ok, it’s starting right now.
No, this is the show, they’re recapping what happened last week.
Well, they call it Survivor because they start off with 18 castaways and only one will….
I know it looks like a beautiful vacation resort, but..
Yes, there are coconuts and trees and camera people everywhere, but the point is…
No, Grandma, these pansies could never have survived the Bronx like you did back in the day. But give this a chance, you might like it. OK, the guy talking is Jeff Probst, he’s the host and he…
Not Probe, Probst.
No, not Pabst, Probst. P-R-O-B-S-
Um, anyway so Pabst is explaining how the castaways were separated into two tribes last week, Ulong and Koror.
Not Schlong and Cockwhore, Grandma, it’s…. nevermind. So the two
Actually they did get to bring one survival item each but it wasn’t a piece of lead pipe, it was a canteen of water, although I’m sure they could’ve used the lead….
Oh yes, I remember that story, Gram. Why don’t I go fix you a highball. Crown and soda, right?
YES, I SEE THE LEMONS!
What happened while I was gone?
A bunch of idiots under a green light arguing about rats? You mean actual rats?
Oooh, you were right about bringing along the lead pipes. They could’ve bashed those rats…
Oh… on each other. Hahahaha!
OK, here’s the Schlong tribe, Grandma. See that girl with the piercings? That’s Angie and she almost got voted off last week, so now she’s unsure of how the tribe feels about her. You see what’s happening? They’re getting “Tree Mail”, and the tree mail tells them…
Um, the cedar-chopping bastard is James. I agree, he is one irritating, cedar-chopping bastard. Anyway, the tree mail is telling them about the Reward Challenge. Here comes Pabst to explain the game. This is a typical challenge on Survivor, it’s an obstacle course and they’re going to have to deal with the obstacles and try to grab flags for their…
No, it’s not shopping in the Bronx, but the obstacle course is harder than it looks.
You like those heavy sand bags knocking them off? Me too. What a bunch of dorks.
The rat-faced girl wobbling around like a drunken hooker? I’m not sure who you’re talking about…
Oh, that’s Ian, the dolphin trainer. He’s a guy, Grandma. Whoo, it’s getting good now! Look at them scrambling for the flags. The Cockwhores don’t stand a chance! Careful with that cane, Grandma – you almost knocked your drink over. The Schlong tribe gets the reward. Check it out, they’re getting snorkeling and fishing equipment so they can catch fish. Man, I feel sorry for the Cockwhore tribe.
Because they haven’t had any food or water or fire for four…
Yes, I know, but this is a remote island, not a street corner in the Bronx. Fire is hard to come by. Uh-oh – don’t worry about it, Grandma. I'll just clean that up and fix you another drink.
OK, what did I miss?
No, “hairdresser” is not a new-fangled term for homo. His name is Coby and lives
The gray haired guy that’s leading the Cockwhores to that box out in the water? That’s Tom, Grandma. He’s a firefighter from New York. Now they really need this box because…
Yes, a New York fireman, Grandma.
Um, sure, Grandma, he’s one sexy stud.
I’m sure he is brave and smart as a whip and,
You’re right, those losers are lucky to have him.
Well, I don’t know if I’d say he was the greatest player to ever be on Survivor, but…
Yes, Grandma, he’s the greatest player ever on Survivor.
Excellent, they got the chest with the help of Ian and Janu. Boy, aren’t they glad to have that fire. Can you imagine waiting four whole days to…
Yes, Tom looks very handsome in the firelight.
OK, now we’re back at the Schlong tribe. By the way, Grandma, those green lights are special cameras so we can see them at night. They’re enjoying their fire, fresh water and clams. Oh, check out the lovebirds! That’s Kim and Jeff cuddling togeth..
They’re both from California. She’s a grad student and he’s a personal trainer.
No, he’s not training her to be a streetwalker, he’s a physical fitness train-
She can’t cuddle with Tom because he’s on the other tribe, remember? OK, we’re on to the next morning and the Schlongs have gotten tree mail about the next challenge. This challenge is for immunity…
Yeah, kind of like when a witness rats someone out and doesn’t get sent up the river, Grandma. Same concept, only in this case the immunity keeps the winning group from having to go to Tribal Council and vote off one of their members. Just watch. OK, the Schlongs and Cockwhores are going to have to go out to a floating platform and retrieve some mess kits, and then using Morse code, arrange the kits to spell out a clue and the first tribe to do that wins. This should be good - here we go. Oh, check out Willard! He’s really slowing down Cockwhore! Man, he needs to…
Yes, I see that Grandma. The sexy, smart and brave Tom from New York is single-handedly winning it. They win! Now they won't have to vote a member out tonight, because they have immunity. Schlong will have to…
Sure, I’ll fix you another drink.
What did I miss?
You stopped watching because Tom wasn’t there? That’s OK, Grandma, they’ll show who got voted out on the credits. I really enjoyed watching with you. Maybe next week we
You want to watch it with Audrey and Cookie? That’s a great idea! I’m sure they’ll love Tom, too.
You love Pabst? He’s alright, I guess. He’s been hosting the show since
Oh, you mean Pabst Blue Ribbon! No, you’re right, Jeff Pabst is a real pencil-dick. Here we go – Ashlee got voted off. Too bad for Ashlee. Hey Grandma, before I go, remember that story about your Uncle Frank? The one who died and everyone was at the wake getting hammered and then the ice melted and he woke up? Tell me that story again.
Written with love, for Maisy
Archive > Television > Survivor > Season 10: Palau