If Two Year Olds Can Walk, Why Can't They?
America`s Next Top Model Season 4 - Episode 3

By CheesyBitz
3/17/2005

Let's suspend your disbelief and enter a world where it's like models matter. Where their petty squabbling is a thing of spectacle and for some reason it's utterly fascinating to watch grown women fight over shoes. Yessiree, it's "America's Next Top Model" and it's going to make you feel better about being you. And about your choice of footwear.

Ms. Tyra Banks voices over last week's unbelievably exciting happenings: The heifers moved into their new digs and Skeletyra praised them for enduring the "pain" of bad haircuts. The new and improved intro insists that "I want to be on top" and says something about "fabulous struts." There's the montage of wannabes, all of whom are interchangeable at this early point -- except Tiffany, because she's so revoltingly deformed.

TyraMail rouses the grousing girls from their sleep. Early cuts to Rebecca (who posits that everyone thinks she's "too sweet") and Michelle (aka "The Hills Have Eyes," who has forced someone else to brush her hair while expressing her "paranoia" over earrings) indicate, sadly, that we'll be seeing a lot of these two. Anyhow, the mail promises a battle to the death in a coliseum. Oh, God, if only.

Cut to a stadium where the girls become exhausted by the mental gymnastics of trying to decipher the cryptic TyraMessage and immediately begin bitching about the tangential appearance of three old, overweight cheerleaders. Possible competition, no doubt. Brandy, true to form, hates cheerleaders.

Ms. J. escapes his handlers and tears into the scene. Dressed in a cheerleader costume and done up in pigtails, Christina thinks he looks "really cute, actually." He comes across more like really Pippy Longstocking on bad crack, actually, dear. Psychic Sarah realizes that Ms. J is always somehow associated with "walking," and she is proved correct when J. has them don platform clogs. J. tells us that it's "very difficult...to walk on grass," so I imagine that every ambulatory person I have ever met is somewhat exceptional at the bulk of modeling.

J. Alex dispenses with the fierce talk in favor of the much less difficult and much more "Cycle 4 contestant"-friendly advice to use "presence." But J. Alex is clearly so high that I'm not holding this against him. Even the closed captioning rendered most of his speech thus: "Its {}{}{}{} and the {}{}{}{} pre-{}{}." I want what he's having. Really.

Strangely, J. is correct, and the girls are actually completely unable to walk. In clogs. On grass. If ten year olds did it routinely in the ‘70's, I can't really see the problem here, but then again ten year olds in the ‘70‘s didn‘t cry themselves into dehydration and vomit food all the time. In any case, Ms. J. charmingly cajoles the models with essential and useful advice, telling one that "it looks like you have spina bifida on the right side of your body" and another that she looks "like a melted candle." Sarah is termed "one of God's extra special children." Sarah is, um, "slow," all right.

J. makes the girls run all over the stadium looking for high heels. Cut to thirteen women bemoaning the fact the they can't find the shoes! There are no shoes! Are they invisible shoes?

Then J. shows them how to walk down stairs. With, notably, accessories. They all suck at this too, by the way. Brittany is compared again to the perfect and ethereal Janice Dickinson, which is a bit odd since everyone always comments that Brittany is a stupid, filthy strumpet who should be doing porn for quarters. The rest of Ms. J's comments are absolutely incomprehensible, but honestly, they're walking down stairs. You really can't expect much here.

Back at the house, it's clearly nighttime. The contestants left for the stadium at 10:00am, so it's possible they were trying to learn to walk right for eight or ten hours. No wonder J'Alex kept screwing up his face and looking like he wanted to vomit. Imagine!

Helmet-headed Keenyah tutors "special" Sarah on how to walk. Again. Some more. And on. And on. Lord! It's fucking walking! Left, right, left, girl! God! Sarah thinks that Keenyah's nice, but this isn't "America's Next Best Friend." She really is perceptive, that one.

Then the girls pose for each other. Wow!

TyraMail! 6:45. In the aisles, bitches! "That's before seven!" moans some chronological genius before the girls go nite nite, mercifully quitting their blather for a few hours. If you need a hint for what's next, there's an ad for K-Mart during the commercial break. Hmm.

The ModelMobile arrives and takes them to -- gasp! shock! -- K-Mart! "What are we doing at K-Mart!" demand all the girls except Tiffany, who points out it's "her favorite shopping spot," as if the national and highly adored home of Martha Stewart fine collectables would choose that cracked up ‘ho as a spokesperson. But, then, I think Tiffany has a criminal record too, so, maybe....

Lluvy realizes that at K-Mart, you need to be a K-Martian. And that recalls last week's shoot where Lluvy played Sleepy Smurf, so she immediately goes into a coma and isn't seen for the rest of the show. Oh, not really! At K-Mart, you have a dual runway challenge, of course! And Ms. J. and the "Givenchy muse" (some old lady that you've never heard of her) sit in judgment!

The only real highlights of this new, interminable round of walking include the fact that Naima walks like a broken up troll doll in a category 5 hurricane and that shoppers and employees alike laugh at the "models." Jalexander is still not making sense. He still hates Sarah, though.

You can't be surprised that Becky wins. She's so unbelievably good at walking, I mean. Duh. For her excellence, Becks gets to choose five other girls and with them meet a famous shoe designer!

She picks all the white girls, by the way. The leftovers have to "service" the winners. Ew.

Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod! It's Stuart Weitzman! The shoe designer is Stuart Weitzman! Rebecca and her five friends get to pick out beautiful shoes! From Stuart Weitzman! Oh, God, I'm going to come!

Brittany (the slut) is incensed over the shoe thing. "Some of them didn't even walk that good!" She and the other losers are taken to the storeroom and taught how movable shelving works. For no reason whatsoever Michelle informs the camera that she's terrified of the shelves. Her worst fear is "like, being smushed." Plus, the shoes are alphabetized (by brand, presumably -- not by nickname?), and it can be really daunting to remember what comes after the funny curly letter, too. Kahlen tells us that there are shoes in Oklahoma, just no, you know, Stuart Weitzman shoes!

At this point, Keenyah tries to murder Michelle by indeed almost sort of thinking about smushing the wrestler between the practically satanic shelving units. Michelle utterly freaks, crying and carrying on. The other girls unsuccessfully stifle their laughter. Brittany and Tiffany suspect that Michelle is insane. Brittany and Tiffany are correct.

Rebecca -- the self-appointed "nice" one -- acts like a total bitch, ordering the service girls around. "I'm trying to be a gracious winner! I worked my butt off on that runway!" Yes, she did in fact walk. I'd be more interested in this if we weren't forced to watch fifteen minutes of feet. Of women's feet. On a side note, if you have a friend that tells you this was the best ANTM ever, your friend is a foot fetishist. Do you know what Lacanians say about foot fetishists? Well, call Homeland Security on that friend now! Honestly.

I'm really tired of feet and walking. You too?

More TyraMail? Oh, goody gumdrops! This time, the contestants will have to "work with ten bitches"! My! Noelle thinks this means ten girls from previous seasons. Camille, anyone? But if that stupid outburst wasn't enough, Noelle decides to then "confront" psycho Michelle -- proving that l'il Noelle really wanted to be on camera a lot that day.

Brandy and Tiffany unapologetically spy on Noelle and Michelle. Noelle says that no one will be upset that the hulking 18 year old lady wrestler is -- huge fucking surprise here! -- bi-sexual. Mammy and Prissy hear "gay," and hurry to spread the shocking story all over the house. To gauge how incredibly offensive this news is to all and sundry, Brandy states that she isn't upset at all -- marking, perhaps, the only thing at which the hyper-offended Brandy isn't furiously angry. Then they all talk about girl love. Yucky!

With that crisis averted, it's on to the bitches! Oh, yay, J. Manuel is there, along with that stupid Danilo and awful Matthu, plus some "fashion stylist" named after a letter. Some additional person is the photographer for a 1-800-FLOWERS shoot. And 1-800-FLOWERS' theme is, of course, overpriced and dead, so maybe Brittany will do really well. That's how I'd imagine her sure-to-happen-soon porn performances are going to be.

Tyra descends grasping Nole Marin's dog, Minnie, which she decapitates and desanguinates all over her perky self, letting us know that the ten bitches are dogs! Ha ha ha ha! But at least there's a male model in the background. With no shirt. And an apron. Thank God.

The girls are universally horrible and none has the slightest idea how to hold a bouquet of flowers.

It is at this point in my notes (oh, I do it so you don't have to!) that I did this:

By the second time I watched this tape, I became much more fascinated by whom I deemed "clitty" than by anything these dreadful girls were up to. Who's the clitty one? Do you remember?

Eliminations!

Oh, so they win some sort of prize, Tyra tells me. Janice apparently got into whatever Jalexander was sniffing before -- that or she's been debarked. The super guest judge is the forgettable Givenchy woman. Tyra forces them into burlap potato sacks and makes them walk for her amusement. The judges laugh openly as the model still are struggling with the impossible machinations of walking, and Sarah sort of dances around, eliciting a "just walk, Sarah" from Tyra. Lluvy totally made the sack work, but the rest did not make the burlap look like a twenty thousand dollar couture gown as they were commanded to do! Bitches.

Rebecca is judged first, and her picture is seen as "a little slutty," which Janice adores. The Givenchy muse uses her supernatural Givenchy muse powers to -- oh yeah! finally! -- suck out Becky's life force! Becky's eyes roll into her pudgy, off-kilter face and down that bitch goes! Model down! Model down!

The contestants stand there, gasping, sniffling, sniveling.... The judges demand that someone call paramedics or police or someone. No one, of course, moves an inch, crushing my hopes that we'll see paramedics anytime soon. And probably not without shirts and in aprons.

After the commercial break, we rewind two minutes and get to see the hilarity all over again! Now, I remember that Encyclopedia Brown told me that when people faint, they always fall face down. Rebecca fell onto her back (the way she gets the most practice, presumably) and Tyra clearly recognized the error, standing over the prostrate former flight attendant, scowling. Tyra's on to you, you so not fierce -- though possibly clitty -- horror.

Camera-sucking Noelle tells the viewers that Rebecca had previously explained to her that she has a "pre-existing condition" where she "suddenly collapses." Oh, hell yeah: I got this pre-existing condition that makes me show up to family gatherings smashed out of my mind. It's true! Whatever.

After the non-apron clad paramedics take Becks away (hopefully for vivisection) Tyra wants to know how many of the girls were scared. I don't know why. Becky's gonna be okay, though. So don't worry. Really. Dry your eyes, little ones.

More judging! Tatiana is "Stephanie Seymore meets Jacqueline Bissett".... Tiffany can't walk and has the facial features of a jillion ethnicities rolled up into her tiny, screwed up face!.... Sarah walks like the funky chicken (and that's Nole talking, so of course it's dumb).... Lluvy wins another pointless Marin neologism -- "a sexy chihuahua walk." Honestly. And Nigel thinks she's fierce. Please!.... Michelle is happily told that she might as well be on "America's Next Top Antelope," but that's a good thing because "models are weird," says Tyra.... Brandy was not "model angry" or "fierce angry." Bitch was psycho angry. And she wins this week's "dead eyes" award! We hate it and you suck! But in her picture the male model looks nice and the one Siberian Husky is, like, so working it! It's like he stole last cycle Amanda's eyes!.... Christina is beautiful but not fierce.... Naima walks weird, and she distresses Nigel.... Brittany has a heavy walk and heavy make-up. Too heavy, bitch! Oh, and of course she looks like a slut.... Noelle has legs, apparently.... Kahlen has dead arms and a screwy neck.... Keenyah is boring and wears the most appalling bedazzled jeans ever! Hideous! Slamming pic, though....

Oh, if not specifically mentioned, none of these fools can walk yet.

Deliberations teach us nothing new, except to give a moment's airtime to the voices in Janice's head. Today they tell her that Sarah should be on a pirate flag. And that Brandy needs to "transform into hot toddy." Again, I don't know why and couldn‘t even make anything up at this point.

Hey, guess what? Thirteen beautiful girls. Twelve photos. Today's disgusting bottom feeders are Brittany and Sarah. The slut and the one that looks like Joey Lawrence's brother. You know, the one on all those shows? Um, yeah, well, he did stuff. Ugly kid, though. Tyra says Sarah's "melting," should that be more evocative for you.

Since Brittany washed the slut off her face, she gets to stay! And that means bye-bye Sarah. Graciously and in parting, Sarah refers to Brittany as a "porn princess" and says any comparison between them makes her want to vomit. With her perfect bone structure, she tries to play the "I've never felt good enough!" card, but, really, you've been voted out. No one cares about you anymore. And chances are no one ever will. Besides, I'm pretty sure you're the one I thought was clitty, you grotesque monster.

See ya!

Next week: You show me your love game, I'll show you mine. And black girls attack!

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