Tom's a hairy dick
Survivor Season 10: Palau - Episode 10

By SloppyGecko
4/22/2005

We open with a very tasteful shot of flies at Camp Garbage. This is to remind us that Koror enjoys living in their own filth, and left to their own devices they'd be dead from disease.

Janu is shocked at the huge loss of Coby, and she feels betrayed to still be there. Betrayed because she wanted to go, betrayed because she thought she was going, and betrayed because no one told her she was being delusional. Her eyes, they be buggin'. Katie calls Janu a crazy Jack-O-Lantern. Janu overhears and starts throwing her arms around. Katie says Janu is being creepy and then tries to apologize. Janu doesn't want her to apologize. There are no take backs in verbal fights. Janu calls Katie Saturday Night Live. Katie responds with demented scarecrow. Janu comes back with poor man's Ellen DeGeneres. Katie strikes with squishy summer squash. Janu's head splits in half and The Thing crawls out to eat them all. Katie mentions that Janu is scarier impersonating herself and I have to agree. I've never seen her so animated and watching her body work reminds me of a marionette, which reminds me of clowns, which skeeves me out. Janu is a villain straight out of Thunderbirds. Gregg steps in with all of his hair and Janu points out that they're all going to turn on each other anyway so there. Several tribe members look away as if some big family secret was just revealed. Hirsute Gregg calls Janu a buzzkill and 'something they just have to put up with' out there. Like herpes. She plays a role in all of their strategies, you see. Gregg doesn't care if someone deserves to be there or not, that's not what this game is about. Winning isn't about deserving. Your deserving goes as far as your usefulness to him and then WHACK! Gregg would make a decent Mafioso. Better than Boston Rob and his Godfather quotes that's for sure.

Reward Challenge

Two tribes of four will build a tower in the water and retrieve a flag. I never tire of challenges with flags. They're wavy. Wanna know what they're playing for?! A Palauan feast with more alcohol. I swear, these are the best damn well fed and drunk Survivors ever. Anyone else bored with watching them ooh and ahh over food? Didn't they just eat three days ago and learn how to fish? They race into the water with pieces of scaffolding that weigh 30 lbs each. That's like 7.5 pounds per person. Hm. Janu looks pretty tired from doing nothing all day. No, I'm sorry. That's how she always looks, like a wet cat in a toilet. Steph appears once again to be on the losing team. I thought Bobby Jon was the broken-mirror-black-cat-under-a-ladder jinx, but maybe it was Steph all along. She just can't catch a break. Then again, Steph does have to work with ever-fattening Katie. How is that even possible? I know they're always eating but is there an Olive Garden on the island or something? A Krispy Kreme? Someone give Ian some pasta before his pants fall off and we have to look at his winky. One of the teams completes their scaffolding. Janu is allowed the honor of grabbing the flag and taking it back to shore. Janu cries and kisses her hand. Thank you, hand. Thank you for...always being there for me and grabbing onto things. And thank you, feet, for holding me upright when my big pumpkin head gets too heavy.

Tom's been looking forward to meeting the people of the islands and getting some damn respect. He doesn't get enough running Koror and slaying sharks and winning challenges and drinking rum and falling down. Caryn is blessed and is given a headdress that she can buy at any Renaissance Festival. The natives dance.

I see London
I see France
I see your grass underpants!

Janu remarks on the epicurean delights brought forth. Epicurean? Big word for a loser. There's no talking, only eating. Oh, how I wish Katie was there to not talk. Janu starts gagging half way through her meal and excuses herself to go throw up. She thought she was going to have an embolism. Embolism? Interesting. Was she shoving chunks straight into her bloodstream then? That could be bad and not something I'd ever recommend doing. Gregg is disappointed in her for ruining dinner for the four people left at camp which is...stupid. Does he know they can't hear his concern? The puking reminds me of a Real World Challenge and Coral's image flashes before my eyes. Someone is going to pay for that. For once, instead of a scene showing the losers bitch about the food they're not eating, we cut to the chase as the winners return to camp. Tom tells them all about their feast, but it's okay because they brought back food! Quite obviously, too, and not hidden in their anuses or armpits. Once again, these lax food rules are ruining this show about survival. Rupe-nu reaches out and helps herself to some more food like a dried out mummy looking for revenge. It does not go unnoticed. Caryn follows suit and tries to pretend she's invisible as everyone stares kabob skewers at her. I think they see you.

Immunity Challenge

Test your ability to remain calm and not panic. Underwater. As the tide rises. First out is abandoned on a beach overnight. It's about FEAR. Huh. Another sucky MTV show. I hope this isn't the beginning of a trend. Oh noes! Janu is cold. She panics and is out after six minutes. Everyone laughs at her because she's pathetic. How is she with fire? Uh, she doesn't know. She hasn't made fire. Everyone laughs some more because she's pathetic. Jeff jumps down everyone's throats and defends Janu. Janu is Jeff's new Survivor girlfriend! Thanks for ruining all the fun, Jeff. This show is only interesting when people stop being nice and start getting real but you want this show to be bland, don't you, Jeff! Admit it, asshole! God I hate you. Just shut the fuck up and let them cannibalize each other, would you? I really don't appreciate Jeff making friends with the mice. How will he be able to kill them when the experiment is over if he gives them names and personalities? I think it's time that Jeff be "Paige Davis'd". There's some very nice Hitchcockian music to set the tone of impending doom as the challenge continues. Because hanging out under a small grate – instead of trapped in a locked cage – in the water without handcuffs or cement shoes is scary. The music tells you so. Tom wins again with the help of his hand snorkel. In your face, Janu! Who's kissing their hands now?

Abandoned on another island for a few hours of terrifying solitude, Janu tries to make fire and feels very inadequate. Don't worry, Janu, there are many more things that make you inadequate. Think of yourself as someone who excels in inadequacy. In the dead of night she is finally successful making fire! Well played, Janu Probst. She then spins slowly around on the beach and calls it a dance. I'm dancing, too, Janu. Actually, I'm just scratching my crack. It's interpretive dance.

Tom and Gregg discuss who is going to go home because they're the two head Neanderthals. Tom, going back on his word in the best of Survivor tradition, grudgingly admits that maybe Steph should go home. Ian and Gregg think Steph is a threat, yet Tom worries that Janu will skate through and it would be nice to have more seasons where some schlub doesn't surprise everyone and end up in the final two. Janu returns to camp to a lukewarm reception and tells everyone she had a great time. No one really cares. She also looks refreshed. Everyone is ignoring Steph and she's getting the vibe that she's the one to go. She confronts Ian with her suspicions. Ian doesn't say anything because he doesn't work well off the script he's been given by Silverback Tom. He stammers a bit, sticks his thumb in his mouth, and craps his pants.

Tribal Council

Coby sashays into council and Janu beams at him. Jeff is so proud of his girlfriend. She sure showed everyone by making fire and not dying out there with a camera crew and an extraction boat nearby. Caryn is shocked that Janu thinks no one cares about her. She jumps on the crazy Jack-O-Lantern train and says it's all in her head. They pick on her because they love. If she wasn't batshit insane she'd know that. Dumb bitch. BFF!

Gregg again points out that Survivor isn't fair and people's eyes get all big like he's spoken heresy. Katie is quick to point out that she's not a threat. Only if you roll over on someone, sweetheart. Janu says they can get rid of her, there's no reason they should keep her, she doesn't care. Steph is frustrated because she knows that she's going home and Janu doesn't give a shit. Squeak She doesn't understand why they'd keep someone who doesn't even want to be there. Squeak Janu wants to put her torch down and go. Jeff wants her to be absolutely, positively clear that she's done with the game. He has her sign a legal document which is notarized because it's very important that everyone understand without question that Janu doesn't want to be in the game anymore. This goes on for far too long. We get it! Stop bashing my head in! For all that is holy, Janu, throw down your torch! (I think I've had an embolism.)

Jeff looks sad and proud at the same time. Don't go, baby, don't go. Not like this. Lay around some more and cry and wallow in challenges. You know how I like it. Gregg is displeased with having to rethink his strategy because while the game isn't fair there should never be any surprises, either. If Gregg wants to suck the life force off another player he should start with his little moppet, Jen. Is she nervous? No, she's too stupid and trusting to be nervous. Gregg's the perfect boyfriend, and when he's talking about how no one deserves to be there he's not talking about her.

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